Guest guest Posted March 22, 2008 Report Share Posted March 22, 2008 Hi there, I'm new too (one week in the group) but I'll have a go at replying. I think there are two paths you can take because you seem to have two questions: (1) Who am I? You don't say how much time, if any, you spend in the company of the BPD parent. Try to spend as little as possible. Instead, seek out people who make you feel happy/comfortable and be around them as much as you can. You can then emulate the aspects of their behavior that you like, so that you will begin to become more like them, and somewhere in the process you may discover the real you. It's easier to focus on the positive (i.e. what aspects of this person's personality do I like, and how can I incorporate them into my own?) than the negative (i.e. how can I NOT be like this person?) (2) About discovering your natural talents and abilities. Can you remember which classes you liked when you were in school? That's a good place to start. You can also ask people who've known you for a long time 'what do you think I'm good at?' their answer may surprise you! If nothing obvious comes to mind, just pick something you are interested in (cooking? psychology? music?) and find some way to learn more about it (anything from buying a book and reading about it to signing up for a class in it!) It may not turn out to be right for you - - you may have to do quite a bit of experimenting before you find something that feels right. But when you do, you'll know it. GOOD LUCK > > Hi everyone, > Here's my first post. My question is ....does anyone feel like they > are so busy being the exact opposite of their bpd parent or...not > being defined by the parents definition, that they don't really know > who they are? I have lately been struggling with questioning > everything about me. I am 45 years old and I look in the mirror and > move through my day analyzing my every move, being hypervigilant about > any signs of BPD and self correcting. There is a lot of internal self > berrating going on but not a whole lot of Yes this is who I am. It's > more like Yes this is who I am not! How do I get to the real me. > Nothing feels very true to me. > I am tired of everything consuming so much energy and want to discover > my natural talents and abilities. Not just the talents and abilities > I have inspite of. Anyone figured out some of this? > Suebee > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 22, 2008 Report Share Posted March 22, 2008 Hello Suebee, I think I can understand very well what you are writing about. I think you put it well, too, " want to discover > my natural talents and abilities. Not just the talents and abilities > I have inspite of. " I'm afraid I cannot give you real advice, since I noticed this behavior in me recently as well. I am currently recovering from some severe migraine crises in a row and an infection of the facial nerve -- and just find myself SO unable to really take this time to recover. When I stay in bed an hour longer than usual, I already see myself like I saw my mother over more than 20 years, on and off: in bed with depression. If I have a day I feel down, I already think I could become suicidal and try to kill myself as I experienced it with my mother. And sometimes I find myself scolding myself the way my mother used to do with me when I was feeling pain, feeling tired. There was always only one who was allowed to feel pain, feel tired, feel sad; and the others had no reason because wasn't it always also their fault? A.s.o. But instead of talking about me, here is maybe something helpful: What helped me recently to soften this kind of harmful projections, was to make a list, and discuss it with my therapist, with all my achievements -- in the broadest sense, and all things I feel/think/believe I am good at. Then I used symbols to distinguish the items on my list that were related to having grown up in a dysfunctional family (your 'in spite of' abilities) and those that weren't (your " natural talents and abilities " . And I made another list with my flaws, weaknesses; and used the same symbols. Both lists helped me to not feel too overwhelmed by the " legacy " of the abuse during my childhood (-till adolescence). They helped to see me better as a personality independent of an in many ways wrecked childhood. Maybe this is something to try out? I wish you strength and good luck Katrina > > Hi everyone, > Here's my first post. My question is ....does anyone feel like they > are so busy being the exact opposite of their bpd parent or...not > being defined by the parents definition, that they don't really know > who they are? I have lately been struggling with questioning > everything about me. I am 45 years old and I look in the mirror and > move through my day analyzing my every move, being hypervigilant about > any signs of BPD and self correcting. There is a lot of internal self > berrating going on but not a whole lot of Yes this is who I am. It's > more like Yes this is who I am not! How do I get to the real me. > Nothing feels very true to me. > I am tired of everything consuming so much energy and want to discover > my natural talents and abilities. Not just the talents and abilities > I have inspite of. Anyone figured out some of this? > Suebee > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 22, 2008 Report Share Posted March 22, 2008 SueBee- I think part of the reason KOs struggle with " who is the real me " is because we've spent the majority of our lives being told we are someone we know deep down we are not. Somewhere along the way we forgot to trust our own instincts and allowed someone else's perception of who we are define us. Our thoughts, feelings, wants, etc. were never given consideration. We did many things with someone elses needs in mind. When we finally do what we want to do, we question it because we are in a sense " breaking the rules " that were defined for our life by our BPD parent. We get the " feeling " we are being selfish when we choose to live our life independently because that is what we were programmed to feel. I think where we all want to end up is simply learning to become comfortable in our own skin. Looking in the mirror, having an opinion of ourself and realizing we are not the one who is wrong. It's a constant battle between what we know intellectually and what we have been programmed to feel. It's almost like we are a computer program with a bug...stuck in a perpetual loop. We need to fix the program to work as designed. There are things that we will do that we will realize are bad habits we learned along the way from our BPD parent. The fact that we can look at ourselves and realize that it is a bad habit, puts us into a completely different league than our BPD parent. It is completely understandable that we learned coping mechanisms and behaviors that are not healthy. All we can do is take each one with the knowledge that we realize it is not a good thing and work to change it where appropriate. As for those things we learned that maybe fall into the category of " in spite of, " I guess I am grateful that there is anything at all positive I could take away from a dysfunctional family. It is no less a talent because it was a skill learned under duress. JJFan > > ...I have lately been struggling with questioning > everything about me. I am 45 years old and I look in the mirror and > move through my day analyzing my every move, being hypervigilant about > any signs of BPD and self correcting. There is a lot of internal self > berrating going on but not a whole lot of Yes this is who I am. It's > more like Yes this is who I am not! How do I get to the real me. > Nothing feels very true to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 22, 2008 Report Share Posted March 22, 2008 hi JJfan, I love your last sentence " It is no less a talent because it was a skill learned under duress " Some how I have felt it is less but now I'm thinking it's more a trigger and thats where I need to do my work. Everything you speak to here is true. Yes I too have always felt grateful for my strengths obtained through horrible circumstances and know my work with children is very important it's just that I wonder If maybe there is another career path or hidden interest thats been buried for 45 years. Thanks for your response. Suebee > > SueBee- > > I think part of the reason KOs struggle with " who is the real me " is > because we've spent the majority of our lives being told we are someone > we know deep down we are not. Somewhere along the way we forgot to > trust our own instincts and allowed someone else's perception of who we > are define us. Our thoughts, feelings, wants, etc. were never given > consideration. We did many things with someone elses needs in mind. > When we finally do what we want to do, we question it because we are in > a sense " breaking the rules " that were defined for our life by our BPD > parent. We get the " feeling " we are being selfish when we choose to > live our life independently because that is what we were programmed to > feel. > > I think where we all want to end up is simply learning to become > comfortable in our own skin. Looking in the mirror, having an opinion > of ourself and realizing we are not the one who is wrong. It's a > constant battle between what we know intellectually and what we have > been programmed to feel. It's almost like we are a computer program > with a bug...stuck in a perpetual loop. We need to fix the program to > work as designed. > > There are things that we will do that we will realize are bad habits we > learned along the way from our BPD parent. The fact that we can look > at ourselves and realize that it is a bad habit, puts us into a > completely different league than our BPD parent. It is completely > understandable that we learned coping mechanisms and behaviors that are > not healthy. All we can do is take each one with the knowledge that we > realize it is not a good thing and work to change it where appropriate. > > As for those things we learned that maybe fall into the category of " in > spite of, " I guess I am grateful that there is anything at all positive > I could take away from a dysfunctional family. It is no less a talent > because it was a skill learned under duress. > > JJFan > > --- Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 22, 2008 Report Share Posted March 22, 2008 Hi Neko, I'm so gald you chose to respond, there indeed was a gem you had to offer. " I'm as different from them as I choose to be, without letting who they are define me. " Right,.... CHOICE.... man am I brain washed!!!! Yes it is about choice I get to decide what I am, who I am and it's true there are some things about my mom I like and I can choose to identify with these. Thanks Hmmm interesting I just noticed I called her mom when thinking of the positive must already be growing. Suebee In WTOAdultChildren1 , " neko_jaimie " wrote: > > Hi Sue, > > I don't normally post, but I thought maybe I had something to offer > this time. I used to be the exact opposite of my bpd nada and grannada > in everything, from the way I do my hair to changing my handwriting > because it looked like theirs. I got to the point where I didn't know > who I was and I had no way to start figuring it out. For me, once I > had been separated from them for some time, I started looking around > at other people and picking out things I liked about them. Like, if I > saw a new way to handle a conflict that seemed to work better, I tried > it out. Eventually, I accepted that in some ways I'm never going to be > completely different from them, because of genetics or whatever. But > I'm as different from them as I choose to be, without letting who they > are define me. > > Good Luck! > > neko > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 22, 2008 Report Share Posted March 22, 2008 {I look in the mirror and move through my day analyzing my every move, being hypervigilant about any signs of BPD and self correcting.} This is my daily routine...fears. Glad to know that I am not the only one. Thanks, Carol In a message dated 3/22/2008 5:51:50 AM Pacific Daylight Time, overtheborder1st@... writes: Hi everyone, Here's my first post. My question is ....does anyone feel like they are so busy being the exact opposite of their bpd parent or...not being defined by the parents definition, that they don't really know who they are? I have lately been struggling with questioning everything about me. I am 45 years old and I look in the mirror and move through my day analyzing my every move, being hypervigilant about any signs of BPD and self correcting. There is a lot of internal self berrating going on but not a whole lot of Yes this is who I am. It's more like Yes this is who I am not! How do I get to the real me. Nothing feels very true to me. I am tired of everything consuming so much energy and want to discover my natural talents and abilities. Not just the talents and abilities I have inspite of. Anyone figured out some of this? Suebee **************Create a Home Theater Like the Pros. Watch the video on AOL Home. (http://home.aol.com/diy/home-improvement-eric-stromer?video=15?ncid=aolhom00030\ 000000001) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 23, 2008 Report Share Posted March 23, 2008 hmmm thats easy. you are YOU > > > {I look in the mirror and move through my day analyzing my every move, being > hypervigilant about any signs of BPD and self correcting.} > > This is my daily routine...fears. Glad to know that I am not the only one. > Thanks, Carol > > > In a message dated 3/22/2008 5:51:50 AM Pacific Daylight Time, > overtheborder1st@... writes: > > Hi everyone, > Here's my first post. My question is ....does anyone feel like they > are so busy being the exact opposite of their bpd parent or...not > being defined by the parents definition, that they don't really know > who they are? I have lately been struggling with questioning > everything about me. I am 45 years old and I look in the mirror and > move through my day analyzing my every move, being hypervigilant about > any signs of BPD and self correcting. There is a lot of internal self > berrating going on but not a whole lot of Yes this is who I am. It's > more like Yes this is who I am not! How do I get to the real me. > Nothing feels very true to me. > I am tired of everything consuming so much energy and want to discover > my natural talents and abilities. Not just the talents and abilities > I have inspite of. Anyone figured out some of this? > Suebee > > > > > > > > **************Create a Home Theater Like the Pros. Watch the video on AOL > Home. > (http://home.aol.com/diy/home-improvement-eric-stromer?video=15? ncid=aolhom00030000000001) > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 23, 2008 Report Share Posted March 23, 2008 Hi Bink, Thanks this sounds very cool it's getting me excited. Books do seem to be my first intro of choice. Nice and safe. When I was in high school I was in the leaders corp for the Y and taught prek and school age children all kinds of things most of which I learned from books on my own. I even applied for a cub scout summer camp when 18 to be the archery instructor and I new nothing went and read up on it and got the job. I was told I was the best archery instructor they had. Maybe because I was so close to the learners level. I still laugh about this. I did that camp for two summers. I'm going to get the books from the library tomarrow. Hmmmm what I wanted to do as a child yea I could go there too. Suebee > > > > Hi everyone, > > Here's my first post. My question is ....does anyone feel like they > > are so busy being the exact opposite of their bpd parent or...not > > being defined by the parents definition, that they don't really know > > who they are? I have lately been struggling with questioning > > everything about me. I am 45 years old and I look in the mirror and > > move through my day analyzing my every move, being hypervigilant about > > any signs of BPD and self correcting. There is a lot of internal self > > berrating going on but not a whole lot of Yes this is who I am. It's > > more like Yes this is who I am not! How do I get to the real me. > > Nothing feels very true to me. > > I am tired of everything consuming so much energy and want to discover > > my natural talents and abilities. Not just the talents and abilities > > I have inspite of. Anyone figured out some of this? > > Suebee > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 23, 2008 Report Share Posted March 23, 2008 - Thanks Malinda, Sometimes just the validation and knowing we have all been there or are there gets me through. Peace to you. Suebee -- In WTOAdultChildren1 , " maparise17 " wrote: > > Hi Suebee, > > Welcome! How many times have I searched for the answers to the same > questions you haved discussed in this post. When I have found out my > mother was a bp...I first was in a panic, hoping I wasn't what she was. > For so many years I did try to not be anything like her. Yes, in doing > that I felt like I did lose myself. Not only being the opposite of my > mother,but also not being under her influence or control. The bp in my > life has had a great impact on my life. She was my first teacher, she > was my mother. She was also very at times controlling, smothering, > painful and destructive. I recently at the age of 49 feel like I am > finally developing a real sense of who I am. > > That internal critical voice is strong and after years of therapy, I > know that I have to tell my inner voice that I am ok. Not only ok, but > a loving and kind woman. > > We have all been were you are, and sometimes I still revisit these > feelings. What you are feeling is part of your recovery and survival of > being raised by a bp. > > I am not saying it very gets a lot easier, but you will get > stronger and in that strengthen you will find what defines you and who > you are. > This who you are is not based on how you are or are not like your bp > mother...it is just who are. > > Many blessings, > Malinda > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 23, 2008 Report Share Posted March 23, 2008 Hi Carol, Yes we really are all in it together.....alone. It is comforting to know others understand and relate in similar ways and......that together we can discover new strategies through the fake it til ya make it technique. Namaste Suebee > > > {I look in the mirror and move through my day analyzing my every move, being > hypervigilant about any signs of BPD and self correcting.} > > This is my daily routine...fears. Glad to know that I am not the only one. > Thanks, Carol > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 23, 2008 Report Share Posted March 23, 2008 Hi c_mh13, like popeye says " I am's what I am's " Thanks Suebee -- In WTOAdultChildren1 , " c_mh13 " wrote: > > hmmm thats easy. you are YOU > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 23, 2008 Report Share Posted March 23, 2008 Hi Suebee, There was recently (in the past few weeks) a thread about how many of us feel like we take on other personalities when we are around people, so I wouldn't feel alone in having difficulties forming a sense of self. But you can do it! As for talents, I'm not a big fan of that term. I had talent for music (and in fact my career is based on music), but I kind of squandered a lot of that because it was too easy for me to do -- too much natural talent. Now there are things that I have absolutely no talent at: cooking, running, rowing, and I even did a stained glass course. Because these activities take work for me, they are trickier than for someone with natural talent, but I feel like the pay-off is no less. So instead of worrying about what you are talented at and have missed the chance to do, I would seek activities that you have always wanted to try. Some of them might stick, and if not, then you know that wasn't the activity for you! is ________________________________________________________________________________\ ____ Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now. http://mobile.yahoo.com/;_ylt=Ahu06i62sR8HDtDypao8Wcj9tAcJ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 23, 2008 Report Share Posted March 23, 2008 WOW! THAT'S AWESOME!!! then maybe it's not so bad to know what you're *not* because not you can just do anything you want to... > > > > > > Hi everyone, > > > Here's my first post. My question is ....does anyone feel like they > > > are so busy being the exact opposite of their bpd parent or...not > > > being defined by the parents definition, that they don't really know > > > who they are? I have lately been struggling with questioning > > > everything about me. I am 45 years old and I look in the mirror and > > > move through my day analyzing my every move, being hypervigilant about > > > any signs of BPD and self correcting. There is a lot of internal self > > > berrating going on but not a whole lot of Yes this is who I am. It's > > > more like Yes this is who I am not! How do I get to the real me. > > > Nothing feels very true to me. > > > I am tired of everything consuming so much energy and want to discover > > > my natural talents and abilities. Not just the talents and abilities > > > I have inspite of. Anyone figured out some of this? > > > Suebee > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 23, 2008 Report Share Posted March 23, 2008 I have been thinking about how it was that I got stifled and I now realize after living here that my dad has to be in complete control at all times. If he is not, he gets upset and abusive and bullying. So none of us kids were allowed to develop in a normal way, although my brothers benefitted better, just from being male in 'traditional' household; they are both talented artists and proficient musicians. My dad has a huge yard and every year I've asked him to choose a spot for me for a small garden of my own. But he never does. Last year as a favor to them I planted some passion flowers along their fence line. We had a severe drought last summer and I babied those plants all summer, carrying water to them twice a day. I came out one day and he had used a weed-eater to cut all the grass along the fence-line down to the bare dirt (he can't just trim, like normal people do). I was so upset I sat down right there in the yard and cried my eyes out, it had taken a herculean effort to keep those plants alive and I'd have done it had it not been for his killing them. He says he 'thought I dug them all up' at an earlier time. I dug up the ones that I knew were going to fail, about 3 or 4. One plant survived the slaughter and started growing again. Though I'd marked it with a rock he ran over it with the lawn mower and killed it for good a couple of weeks later. This has been the story of my life where he is involved, starting with my little kitten that he didn't care for and let get killed when I was 8 years old. I think a part of me feels, why even try... For me it's not so much about being anything 'in reaction' to them, although I am the polar opposite of them in many ways,, I'm old enough to know that this is really 'me' and not remnants of a teenage rebellion, it's that he absolutely cannot allow anyone any independence whatever, he *has* to be in control of the situation, usually to the detriment of everyone involved. With the original passionflower plant, that I dug up from a ditch and put in the yard, which is now a collussus vine that has 40 or 50 blooms every day during the summer months, we got in a horrible argument over that...just a bit of self-assertion from me and suddenly he is standing there yelling at me to f-myself. He is such an arsehole sometimes I can't even believe it, and I'm there when it happens. All of us really got stifled as kids and the three oldest are just now starting to come into our own. I am so used to it that I don't even know how to spread my wings and experiment a little bit, because my dad was will bully us in the drop of a hat, he is physically imposing in order to impose his will, which is really, really intolerable to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 23, 2008 Report Share Posted March 23, 2008 I totally agree with Sarita, about positive role models and finding what you love. It took going NC with my mother for 5 years for my to find the activities that I love so much and they have helped me define who I am and how I spend my time,and who will become good friends - because we have more in common. All of the things that I love now are things that I always loved, but my family got in the way of me doing them. Even as recently as the last time I talked to my dad on the phone, about 4 months ago, he asked me to give up the activities that I love completely to go with him to do cowboy stuff. I was shocked, I mean, I had a previous commitment to do something I love that I " ve worked for day and night for 5 years and he wants me to drop it so he can have company hauling hay. No way! A loving parent wouldn't ask that of their child. > > Hi there, I'm new too (one week in the group) but I'll have a go at > replying. > I think there are two paths you can take because you seem to have two > questions: > (1) Who am I? You don't say how much time, if any, you spend in the > company of the BPD parent. Try to spend as little as possible. > Instead, seek out people who make you feel happy/comfortable and be > around them as much as you can. You can then emulate the aspects of > their behavior that you like, so that you will begin to become more > like them, and somewhere in the process you may discover the real you. > It's easier to focus on the positive (i.e. what aspects of this > person's personality do I like, and how can I incorporate them into my > own?) than the negative (i.e. how can I NOT be like this person?) > (2) About discovering your natural talents and abilities. Can you > remember which classes you liked when you were in school? That's a > good place to start. You can also ask people who've known you for a > long time 'what do you think I'm good at?' their answer may surprise > you! If nothing obvious comes to mind, just pick something you are > interested in (cooking? psychology? music?) and find some way to learn > more about it (anything from buying a book and reading about it to > signing up for a class in it!) It may not turn out to be right for you - > - you may have to do quite a bit of experimenting before you find > something that feels right. But when you do, you'll know it. > GOOD LUCK > > > > > > Hi everyone, > > Here's my first post. My question is ....does anyone feel like they > > are so busy being the exact opposite of their bpd parent or...not > > being defined by the parents definition, that they don't really know > > who they are? I have lately been struggling with questioning > > everything about me. I am 45 years old and I look in the mirror and > > move through my day analyzing my every move, being hypervigilant about > > any signs of BPD and self correcting. There is a lot of internal self > > berrating going on but not a whole lot of Yes this is who I am. It's > > more like Yes this is who I am not! How do I get to the real me. > > Nothing feels very true to me. > > I am tired of everything consuming so much energy and want to discover > > my natural talents and abilities. Not just the talents and abilities > > I have inspite of. Anyone figured out some of this? > > Suebee > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 23, 2008 Report Share Posted March 23, 2008 One more thought - it will take time to build your personal identity and be prepared to feel more fragile in it, esp at first, than other people. But stick with it. Follow your bliss. > > I totally agree with Sarita, about positive role models and finding what > you love. It took going NC with my mother for 5 years for my to find the > activities that I love so much and they have helped me define who I am and > how I spend my time,and who will become good friends - because we have more > in common. All of the things that I love now are things that I always loved, > but my family got in the way of me doing them. Even as recently as the last > time I talked to my dad on the phone, about 4 months ago, he asked me to > give up the activities that I love completely to go with him to do cowboy > stuff. I was shocked, I mean, I had a previous commitment to do something I > love that I " ve worked for day and night for 5 years and he wants me to drop > it so he can have company hauling hay. No way! A loving parent wouldn't ask > that of their child. > > > > > > Hi there, I'm new too (one week in the group) but I'll have a go at > > replying. > > I think there are two paths you can take because you seem to have two > > questions: > > (1) Who am I? You don't say how much time, if any, you spend in the > > company of the BPD parent. Try to spend as little as possible. > > Instead, seek out people who make you feel happy/comfortable and be > > around them as much as you can. You can then emulate the aspects of > > their behavior that you like, so that you will begin to become more > > like them, and somewhere in the process you may discover the real you. > > It's easier to focus on the positive (i.e. what aspects of this > > person's personality do I like, and how can I incorporate them into my > > own?) than the negative (i.e. how can I NOT be like this person?) > > (2) About discovering your natural talents and abilities. Can you > > remember which classes you liked when you were in school? That's a > > good place to start. You can also ask people who've known you for a > > long time 'what do you think I'm good at?' their answer may surprise > > you! If nothing obvious comes to mind, just pick something you are > > interested in (cooking? psychology? music?) and find some way to learn > > more about it (anything from buying a book and reading about it to > > signing up for a class in it!) It may not turn out to be right for you - > > - you may have to do quite a bit of experimenting before you find > > something that feels right. But when you do, you'll know it. > > GOOD LUCK > > > > > > > > > > Hi everyone, > > > Here's my first post. My question is ....does anyone feel like they > > > are so busy being the exact opposite of their bpd parent or...not > > > being defined by the parents definition, that they don't really know > > > who they are? I have lately been struggling with questioning > > > everything about me. I am 45 years old and I look in the mirror and > > > move through my day analyzing my every move, being hypervigilant about > > > any signs of BPD and self correcting. There is a lot of internal self > > > berrating going on but not a whole lot of Yes this is who I am. It's > > > more like Yes this is who I am not! How do I get to the real me. > > > Nothing feels very true to me. > > > I am tired of everything consuming so much energy and want to discover > > > my natural talents and abilities. Not just the talents and abilities > > > I have inspite of. Anyone figured out some of this? > > > Suebee > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 23, 2008 Report Share Posted March 23, 2008 Thanks Girlscout, Going now to follow my bliss and explore some of those ideas I've had for years. As far as feeling fragile well the truth is I already do so I have nothing to lose. Thanks for the support. Suebee -- In WTOAdultChildren1 , " Girlscout Cowboy " wrote: > > One more thought - it will take time to build your personal identity and be > prepared to feel more fragile in it, esp at first, than other people. But > stick with it. Follow your bliss. > > > > > > I totally agree with Sarita, about positive role models and finding what > > you love. It took going NC with my mother for 5 years for my to find the > > activities that I love so much and they have helped me define who I am and > > how I spend my time,and who will become good friends - because we have more > > in common. All of the things that I love now are things that I always loved, > > but my family got in the way of me doing them. Even as recently as the last > > time I talked to my dad on the phone, about 4 months ago, he asked me to > > give up the activities that I love completely to go with him to do cowboy > > stuff. I was shocked, I mean, I had a previous commitment to do something I > > love that I " ve worked for day and night for 5 years and he wants me to drop > > it so he can have company hauling hay. No way! A loving parent wouldn't ask > > that of their child. > > > > > > > > > > Hi there, I'm new too (one week in the group) but I'll have a go at > > > replying. > > > I think there are two paths you can take because you seem to have two > > > questions: > > > (1) Who am I? You don't say how much time, if any, you spend in the > > > company of the BPD parent. Try to spend as little as possible. > > > Instead, seek out people who make you feel happy/comfortable and be > > > around them as much as you can. You can then emulate the aspects of > > > their behavior that you like, so that you will begin to become more > > > like them, and somewhere in the process you may discover the real you. > > > It's easier to focus on the positive (i.e. what aspects of this > > > person's personality do I like, and how can I incorporate them into my > > > own?) than the negative (i.e. how can I NOT be like this person?) > > > (2) About discovering your natural talents and abilities. Can you > > > remember which classes you liked when you were in school? That's a > > > good place to start. You can also ask people who've known you for a > > > long time 'what do you think I'm good at?' their answer may surprise > > > you! If nothing obvious comes to mind, just pick something you are > > > interested in (cooking? psychology? music?) and find some way to learn > > > more about it (anything from buying a book and reading about it to > > > signing up for a class in it!) It may not turn out to be right for you - > > > - you may have to do quite a bit of experimenting before you find > > > something that feels right. But when you do, you'll know it. > > > GOOD LUCK > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Hi everyone, > > > > Here's my first post. My question is ....does anyone feel like they > > > > are so busy being the exact opposite of their bpd parent or...not > > > > being defined by the parents definition, that they don't really know > > > > who they are? I have lately been struggling with questioning > > > > everything about me. I am 45 years old and I look in the mirror and > > > > move through my day analyzing my every move, being hypervigilant about > > > > any signs of BPD and self correcting. There is a lot of internal self > > > > berrating going on but not a whole lot of Yes this is who I am. It's > > > > more like Yes this is who I am not! How do I get to the real me. > > > > Nothing feels very true to me. > > > > I am tired of everything consuming so much energy and want to discover > > > > my natural talents and abilities. Not just the talents and abilities > > > > I have inspite of. Anyone figured out some of this? > > > > Suebee > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 24, 2008 Report Share Posted March 24, 2008 I am so sorry. To kill something that is alive, that you love, that you have poured your heart and soul into...it is devastating. I think it's a form of vengefulness. You are right, it is an intrusion, a violation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 24, 2008 Report Share Posted March 24, 2008 Hey Suebee, I've spent years and years being the anti-nada and living in spite of her. Yes, she has defined who I am by who I'm NOT. I'll fully admit to that in a heartbeat. I'd even go so far as to say that I am extremely proud of that. (Someone shoot me if I EVER become like her.) What's wrong with who I am because I'm not her? Slowly over time, I have found me and not just the anti-her. It's been a long process and I'm still not done. I've discovered me along the way through being a sister, a mom, a wife, an aunt, a singer, a student, a teacher, a friend, a counselor, a volunteer,...all of these characteristics emerge as I continually snuff out the nada-isms about me and discontinue playing her hate-track in my head. I read anything I can get my hands on and try to incorporate new ideas into my thinking. I try new things, even if I am scared, shy or intimidated,...I try just to see if I'll hit on something I want to experience again or something I just might be good at. It could be new hobbies, new places, new foods, new authors, anything! One thing I am determined to never do is be old and closed-minded. The more I look, the more I find things that exclusively define me and have nothing to do with my nada. I just keep moving further and further outside of her circle that she tried to contain me in. The further I go, the less of her influence there is on me and my life. Kindest regards, Mercy > > Hi everyone, > Here's my first post. My question is ....does anyone feel like they > are so busy being the exact opposite of their bpd parent or...not > being defined by the parents definition, that they don't really know > who they are? I have lately been struggling with questioning > everything about me. I am 45 years old and I look in the mirror and > move through my day analyzing my every move, being hypervigilant about > any signs of BPD and self correcting. There is a lot of internal self > berrating going on but not a whole lot of Yes this is who I am. It's > more like Yes this is who I am not! How do I get to the real me. > Nothing feels very true to me. > I am tired of everything consuming so much energy and want to discover > my natural talents and abilities. Not just the talents and abilities > I have inspite of. Anyone figured out some of this? > Suebee > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 24, 2008 Report Share Posted March 24, 2008 one thing I can relate with is I've been becoming more and more interested in drawing lately. I am thinking about taking a class. It was something I never even considered, because my father is an artist. Both of my brothers are very talented as well. My paternal grandfather, and one of my father's brothers were artists too. It runs in my family and I've been thinking I'd like to see if I have any talent. I just never even though of it because he does it, I never got anywhere near art classes...it's like I shut visual art completely out of my consciousness. It's so funny because I've been drawing lately when I have time, and at first it took me aback how self-indulgent it feels. I have to intensley focus on 'nothing' (to my mind). All thoughts are blotted out. The only other time I've felt like this was doing downhills while mountain biking where you are intensely focused on the path directly in front of you. I never knew art closed out the rest of the world and let your mind rest, I've never found anything like this, so I am trying to assure myself if I do this it won't 'turn me into' him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 25, 2008 Report Share Posted March 25, 2008 I am scared to pieces of turning BPD on my son. Which means I do a lot of stop and think, how would I see this if I were six? Should I raise my voice, should I correct his behavior, is he acting out or is he manifesting BPD? Crazy stuff. I am developing limits and setting up criteria. The only thing I can suggest is to keep a journal of the activities that lead you to believe that you are developing BPD and look for trends. No one incident defines you. You can have a bad day and lose your cool, and that doesn't mean you are BPD. I think you need to look for control issues and evidence of hypercompetition. Also, a complete lack of understanding that your actions have consequences and that what you do is intended to mould and control someone else to your own purposes. Tricky questions. It is hard to correct for learned behaviors. Be strong. We are all just trying to figure things out and not perpetuate the mistakes of the past. You are not alone. Who am I if not her? Hi everyone, Here's my first post. My question is ....does anyone feel like they are so busy being the exact opposite of their bpd parent or...not being defined by the parents definition, that they don't really know who they are? I have lately been struggling with questioning everything about me. I am 45 years old and I look in the mirror and move through my day analyzing my every move, being hypervigilant about any signs of BPD and self correcting. There is a lot of internal self berrating going on but not a whole lot of Yes this is who I am. It's more like Yes this is who I am not! How do I get to the real me. Nothing feels very true to me. I am tired of everything consuming so much energy and want to discover my natural talents and abilities. Not just the talents and abilities I have inspite of. Anyone figured out some of this? Suebee __.._,_.___ Messages in this topic (1) Reply (via web post) | Start a new topic Messages Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @.... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP. To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to “Understanding the Borderline Mother” (Lawson) and “Surviving the Borderline Parent,” (Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community! From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook. Change settings via the Web (Yahoo! ID required) Change settings via email: Switch delivery to Daily Digest | Switch format to Traditional Visit Your Group | Yahoo! Groups Terms of Use | Unsubscribe Recent Activity 22New Members Visit Your Group Meditation and Lovingkindness A Yahoo! Group to share and learn. Yahoo! Health Healthy Aging Improve your quality of life. Y! Groups blog The place to go to stay informed on Groups news!. ________________________________________________________________________________\ ____ Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your home page. http://www.yahoo.com/r/hs Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 25, 2008 Report Share Posted March 25, 2008 I sooooo identify with this. It is cruelty. It is a meaness in destroying something that you value and then discounting your feelings about it. It is a power play. You did something nice for your family and instead of appreciating your efforts, whether or not they agreed with it, they piss all over your gift. My brother has a thing about trees, he has never met a tree that he didn't want to take a bulldozer or a chainsaw to. I, on the other hand, value trees and have actually stood in the way of him tearing down trees. To get back at me he had a small grove of trees on the Family farm bulldozed because he knew I valued it. My mother backed him up. The only shade in that pasture is now gone and my brother got his way. In fact he actually gloated that he did it. He has also done this with some other plantings I have done around my mother's house. I don't dare show interest in a plant because he will go destroy it. One day I was talking with my mother while we were looking after my son and his daughter next to a playscape that my mom has on her place about how much I like pepper bushes. We have them growing wild on the farm. My brother went into the shed, got an ax and in front of my mother and I he CHOPPED down all of the pepper plants that I had been harvesting off of for the past two years. He cut them down to the ground. The look on my face was clearly astonished and all mom had to say was, " They will grow back. " I won't play that game, but it still irritates me. I realize that he is sick, but I wish there was something I could do to make him understand that his behavior is not right. I am slowly letting go of that. It is pointless. My mother doesn't help because she has told him that the farm is his when she dies. He thinks he already owns it. And I have to let it go. Doesn't help though, knowing that he gets pleasure out of such destruction because it hurts me. Be strong. Re: Who am I if not her? I have been thinking about how it was that I got stifled and I now realize after living here that my dad has to be in complete control at all times. If he is not, he gets upset and abusive and bullying. So none of us kids were allowed to develop in a normal way, although my brothers benefitted better, just from being male in 'traditional' household; they are both talented artists and proficient musicians. My dad has a huge yard and every year I've asked him to choose a spot for me for a small garden of my own. But he never does. Last year as a favor to them I planted some passion flowers along their fence line. We had a severe drought last summer and I babied those plants all summer, carrying water to them twice a day. I came out one day and he had used a weed-eater to cut all the grass along the fence-line down to the bare dirt (he can't just trim, like normal people do). I was so upset I sat down right there in the yard and cried my eyes out, it had taken a herculean effort to keep those plants alive and I'd have done it had it not been for his killing them. He says he 'thought I dug them all up' at an earlier time. I dug up the ones that I knew were going to fail, about 3 or 4. One plant survived the slaughter and started growing again. Though I'd marked it with a rock he ran over it with the lawn mower and killed it for good a couple of weeks later. This has been the story of my life where he is involved, starting with my little kitten that he didn't care for and let get killed when I was 8 years old.. I think a part of me feels, why even try... For me it's not so much about being anything 'in reaction' to them, although I am the polar opposite of them in many ways,, I'm old enough to know that this is really 'me' and not remnants of a teenage rebellion, it's that he absolutely cannot allow anyone any independence whatever, he *has* to be in control of the situation, usually to the detriment of everyone involved. With the original passionflower plant, that I dug up from a ditch and put in the yard, which is now a collussus vine that has 40 or 50 blooms every day during the summer months, we got in a horrible argument over that....just a bit of self-assertion from me and suddenly he is standing there yelling at me to f-myself. He is such an arsehole sometimes I can't even believe it, and I'm there when it happens. All of us really got stifled as kids and the three oldest are just now starting to come into our own. I am so used to it that I don't even know how to spread my wings and experiment a little bit, because my dad was will bully us in the drop of a hat, he is physically imposing in order to impose his will, which is really, really intolerable to me. ________________________________________________________________________________\ ____ Looking for last minute shopping deals? Find them fast with Yahoo! Search. http://tools.search.yahoo.com/newsearch/category.php?category=shopping Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 25, 2008 Report Share Posted March 25, 2008 Cruelty, destruction. You all sure know that song from Within Temptation with that one line: " whenever she is raging, she takes life away " -- I know who this " she " is (it can also be " he " of course). I'm reminded of our pet bird, who was ill and dying, and me as a four year old, and my mother, one evening late. One of my earliest memories. She could suddenly not bear the thought of that suffering birdie and decided to kill it, to put it out of its misery. She requested me to get the tool to do that --- forced me to watch (but I looked away, though I will forever remember the sound I heard that night) --- forced me to go outside in the cold dark night and bury it. I cried and refused and she hit me. I feel how she must hate me. She let me stand in the cold and went back inside. " You can come back inside when it's done. " I felt the cold soil creep up from my toes into my whole body and I felt the whole universe around me was cruel and cold and silent and black. > > I sooooo identify with this. It is cruelty. It is a meaness in destroying something that you value and then discounting your feelings about it. It is a power play. You did something nice for your family and instead of appreciating your efforts, whether or not they agreed with it, they piss all over your gift. My brother has a thing about trees, he has never met a tree that he didn't want to take a bulldozer or a chainsaw to. I, on the other hand, value trees and have actually stood in the way of him tearing down trees. To get back at me he had a small grove of trees on the Family farm bulldozed because he knew I valued it. My mother backed him up. The only shade in that pasture is now gone and my brother got his way. In fact he actually gloated that he did it. He has also done this with some other plantings I have done around my mother's house. I don't dare show interest in a plant because he will go destroy it. One day I was talking with my mother > while we were looking after my son and his daughter next to a playscape that my mom has on her place about how much I like pepper bushes. We have them growing wild on the farm. My brother went into the shed, got an ax and in front of my mother and I he CHOPPED down all of the pepper plants that I had been harvesting off of for the past two years. He cut them down to the ground. The look on my face was clearly astonished and all mom had to say was, " They will grow back. " > > I won't play that game, but it still irritates me. I realize that he is sick, but I wish there was something I could do to make him understand that his behavior is not right. I am slowly letting go of that. It is pointless. My mother doesn't help because she has told him that the farm is his when she dies. He thinks he already owns it. And I have to let it go. > Doesn't help though, knowing that he gets pleasure out of such destruction because it hurts me. > Be strong. > > > Re: Who am I if not her? > > I have been thinking about how it was that I got stifled and I now > realize after living here that my dad has to be in complete control > at all times. If he is not, he gets upset and abusive and bullying. > So none of us kids were allowed to develop in a normal way, although > my brothers benefitted better, just from being male in 'traditional' > household; they are both talented artists and proficient musicians. > My dad has a huge yard and every year I've asked him to choose a > spot for me for a small garden of my own. But he never does. Last > year as a favor to them I planted some passion flowers along their > fence line. We had a severe drought last summer and I babied those > plants all summer, carrying water to them twice a day. I came out > one day and he had used a weed-eater to cut all the grass along the > fence-line down to the bare dirt (he can't just trim, like normal > people do). I was so upset I sat down right there in the yard and > cried my eyes out, it had taken a herculean effort to keep those > plants alive and I'd have done it had it not been for his killing > them. He says he 'thought I dug them all up' at an earlier time. I > dug up the ones that I knew were going to fail, about 3 or 4. One > plant survived the slaughter and started growing again. Though I'd > marked it with a rock he ran over it with the lawn mower and killed > it for good a couple of weeks later. This has been the story of my > life where he is involved, starting with my little kitten that he > didn't care for and let get killed when I was 8 years old.. I think a > part of me feels, why even try... > > For me it's not so much about being anything 'in reaction' to them, > although I am the polar opposite of them in many ways,, I'm old > enough to know that this is really 'me' and not remnants of a > teenage rebellion, it's that he absolutely cannot allow anyone any > independence whatever, he *has* to be in control of the situation, > usually to the detriment of everyone involved. With the original > passionflower plant, that I dug up from a ditch and put in the > yard, which is now a collussus vine that has 40 or 50 blooms every > day during the summer months, we got in a horrible argument over > that....just a bit of self-assertion from me and suddenly he is > standing there yelling at me to f-myself. He is such an arsehole > sometimes I can't even believe it, and I'm there when it happens. > All of us really got stifled as kids and the three oldest are just > now starting to come into our own. I am so used to it that I don't > even know how to spread my wings and experiment a little bit, > because my dad was will bully us in the drop of a hat, he is > physically imposing in order to impose his will, which is really, > really intolerable to me. > > > > > > ______________________________________________________________________ ______________ > Looking for last minute shopping deals? > Find them fast with Yahoo! Search. http://tools.search.yahoo.com/newsearch/category.php?category=shopping > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 25, 2008 Report Share Posted March 25, 2008 When I would fight with my bpd mom (or probably more accurately, she would fight with me), my dad would say " You know, you are just like her. " I ignored him, but there is still that worry that i might be just like her. Now I know that it was projection. but what a horrible thing to say to your child. > > Hey Suebee, > I've spent years and years being the anti-nada and living in spite of > her. Yes, she has defined who I am by who I'm NOT. I'll fully admit > to that in a heartbeat. I'd even go so far as to say that I am > extremely proud of that. (Someone shoot me if I EVER become like her.) > What's wrong with who I am because I'm not her? Slowly over time, I > have found me and not just the anti-her. It's been a long process and > I'm still not done. I've discovered me along the way through being a > sister, a mom, a wife, an aunt, a singer, a student, a teacher, a > friend, a counselor, a volunteer,...all of these characteristics emerge > as I continually snuff out the nada-isms about me and discontinue > playing her hate-track in my head. > > I read anything I can get my hands on and try to incorporate new ideas > into my thinking. I try new things, even if I am scared, shy or > intimidated,...I try just to see if I'll hit on something I want to > experience again or something I just might be good at. It could be new > hobbies, new places, new foods, new authors, anything! One thing I am > determined to never do is be old and closed-minded. The more I look, > the more I find things that exclusively define me and have nothing to > do with my nada. I just keep moving further and further outside of her > circle that she tried to contain me in. The further I go, the less of > her influence there is on me and my life. > > Kindest regards, > Mercy > > > > > > Hi everyone, > > Here's my first post. My question is ....does anyone feel like they > > are so busy being the exact opposite of their bpd parent or...not > > being defined by the parents definition, that they don't really know > > who they are? I have lately been struggling with questioning > > everything about me. I am 45 years old and I look in the mirror and > > move through my day analyzing my every move, being hypervigilant about > > any signs of BPD and self correcting. There is a lot of internal self > > berrating going on but not a whole lot of Yes this is who I am. It's > > more like Yes this is who I am not! How do I get to the real me. > > Nothing feels very true to me. > > I am tired of everything consuming so much energy and want to discover > > my natural talents and abilities. Not just the talents and abilities > > I have inspite of. Anyone figured out some of this? > > Suebee > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 25, 2008 Report Share Posted March 25, 2008 playing her hate-track in my head. Play on words, good thing she is not in blue ray. I have a weakness for puns. Re: Who am I if not her? Hey Suebee, I've spent years and years being the anti-nada and living in spite of her. Yes, she has defined who I am by who I'm NOT. I'll fully admit to that in a heartbeat.. I'd even go so far as to say that I am extremely proud of that. (Someone shoot me if I EVER become like her.) What's wrong with who I am because I'm not her? Slowly over time, I have found me and not just the anti-her. It's been a long process and I'm still not done. I've discovered me along the way through being a sister, a mom, a wife, an aunt, a singer, a student, a teacher, a friend, a counselor, a volunteer,.. .all of these characteristics emerge as I continually snuff out the nada-isms about me and discontinue playing her hate-track in my head. I read anything I can get my hands on and try to incorporate new ideas into my thinking. I try new things, even if I am scared, shy or intimidated, ...I try just to see if I'll hit on something I want to experience again or something I just might be good at. It could be new hobbies, new places, new foods, new authors, anything! One thing I am determined to never do is be old and closed-minded. The more I look, the more I find things that exclusively define me and have nothing to do with my nada. I just keep moving further and further outside of her circle that she tried to contain me in. The further I go, the less of her influence there is on me and my life. Kindest regards, Mercy > > Hi everyone, > Here's my first post. My question is ....does anyone feel like they > are so busy being the exact opposite of their bpd parent or...not > being defined by the parents definition, that they don't really know > who they are? I have lately been struggling with questioning > everything about me. I am 45 years old and I look in the mirror and > move through my day analyzing my every move, being hypervigilant about > any signs of BPD and self correcting. There is a lot of internal self > berrating going on but not a whole lot of Yes this is who I am. It's > more like Yes this is who I am not! How do I get to the real me. > Nothing feels very true to me. > I am tired of everything consuming so much energy and want to discover > my natural talents and abilities. Not just the talents and abilities > I have inspite of. Anyone figured out some of this? > Suebee > ________________________________________________________________________________\ ____ Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your home page. http://www.yahoo.com/r/hs Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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