Re: relationships with siblings

[Guest guest]

Had to chime in here...

During the last blowout with my folks, they referred to my family

as " our grandchildren and their parents " and referred to my daughter

as " the little girl " , never calling her by name. I think it

depersonalizes people and in some cases sets that person's

significance as it relates to them.

> > > > >

> > > > > i was wondering about everybody's relationships with their

> > > siblings.

> > > > i

> > > > > was split black and my youngest sister was split white with

my

> > > middle

> > > > > sister somehow kind of left out of the whole mess (so

anxious

> > > about

> > > > > things that my mom left her alone). even though one was

split

> > > white

> > > > > and the other black and my mom's attempts at pitting us

> against

> > > one

> > > > > another (subconsciously or not, she tried), we more or less

> stuck

> > > > > together through stuff. i was wondering how others

interacted

> > > with

> > > > > their siblings while living at home and what bp parents

> did/do to

> > > > > thwart relationships between their children.

> > > > >

> > > > > bink

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Depersonalization is an interesting way of putting it. In order to destroy

something, it helps if you cut emotional attachments to it. You cause it to

become less than human and thus to have reduced value. That way you don't have

to own your actions if you cause harm.

Sick.

Re: relationships with siblings

Had to chime in here...

During the last blowout with my folks, they referred to my family

as " our grandchildren and their parents " and referred to my daughter

as " the little girl " , never calling her by name. I think it

depersonalizes people and in some cases sets that person's

significance as it relates to them.

> > > > >

> > > > > i was wondering about everybody's relationships with their

> > > siblings.

> > > > i

> > > > > was split black and my youngest sister was split white with

my

> > > middle

> > > > > sister somehow kind of left out of the whole mess (so

anxious

> > > about

> > > > > things that my mom left her alone). even though one was

split

> > > white

> > > > > and the other black and my mom's attempts at pitting us

> against

> > > one

> > > > > another (subconsciously or not, she tried), we more or less

> stuck

> > > > > together through stuff. i was wondering how others

interacted

> > > with

> > > > > their siblings while living at home and what bp parents

> did/do to

> > > > > thwart relationships between their children.

> > > > >

> > > > > bink

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

well, all three of us sisters and my dad do it when we talk about mom.

" your mom wants you to do this. " " your ex-wife needs you to fix her

car again. " detachment works both ways, i guess.

bink

> > > > > >

> > > > > > i was wondering about everybody's relationships with their

> > > > siblings.

> > > > > i

> > > > > > was split black and my youngest sister was split white with

> my

> > > > middle

> > > > > > sister somehow kind of left out of the whole mess (so

> anxious

> > > > about

> > > > > > things that my mom left her alone). even though one was

> split

> > > > white

> > > > > > and the other black and my mom's attempts at pitting us

> > against

> > > > one

> > > > > > another (subconsciously or not, she tried), we more or less

> > stuck

> > > > > > together through stuff. i was wondering how others

> interacted

> > > > with

> > > > > > their siblings while living at home and what bp parents

> > did/do to

> > > > > > thwart relationships between their children.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > bink

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

I love it when I come across other bizzare things that I figure no one else

experiences. Again, this group helps me understand I'm not alone. My nada

refers to my brother and " her son " . She'll be telling me something about my

brother and she'll say " my son took me out to dinner " , rather than just saying

his name. I'd even be ok if she referred to him as " your brother " to me. Then

I'd feel a little more like I'm part of the family.

geminitulip

Re: relationships with siblings

Had to chime in here...

During the last blowout with my folks, they referred to my family

as " our grandchildren and their parents " and referred to my daughter

as " the little girl " , never calling her by name. I think it

depersonalizes people and in some cases sets that person's

significance as it relates to them.

> > > > >

> > > > > i was wondering about everybody's relationships with their

> > > siblings.

> > > > i

> > > > > was split black and my youngest sister was split white with

my

> > > middle

> > > > > sister somehow kind of left out of the whole mess (so

anxious

> > > about

> > > > > things that my mom left her alone). even though one was

split

> > > white

> > > > > and the other black and my mom's attempts at pitting us

> against

> > > one

> > > > > another (subconsciously or not, she tried), we more or less

> stuck

> > > > > together through stuff. i was wondering how others

interacted

> > > with

> > > > > their siblings while living at home and what bp parents

> did/do to

> > > > > thwart relationships between their children.

> > > > >

> > > > > bink

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

What a great post. It would take me me a lifetime to explain the

dynamics of my family. I'll try to sum it up.

I have 3 half brothers and 4 half sisters. Four of my siblings are

from nada's previous marriages and three are from my father's previous

marriage. Nada has tried to destroy just about every relationship in

our family and has been fairly successful at it. I am the only child

of both my mother & father. I was mostly painted white until about 2

years ago. It started when I decided to have a relationship with my

blacklisted sister. The falling out with my parents over this was of

course all part of my sister's evil plan, according to nada. I'm still

in the process of trying to figure out all the truths from lies, that

I have blindly believed most of my life. Nada's children's fathers

have both been painted black, albeit one rightfully so and the other

possibly rightful. My father's children's mother has been painted

black. Our grandparents, most of our aunts, uncles and cousins,

friends and all of my brothers and sisters at some point in time have

been painted black or completely blacklisted. I feel absolutely stupid

for accepting all the lies over the years. You would think that at

some point I would notice that all these people can not be bad. I

guess that's where I'm at.

We have lost contact over the years with my father's family except for

what we hear from my grandmother who has always fought to keep the

family together. Nada resents her for this and devalues her actions by

saying she's needy, controlling and overly emotional.

We have lost contact with nada's family as well, except for our

grandma and grandpa who seem to have given up seeking us, but are

delighted when we seek them.

All of these people have supposedly hurt nada deeply at one time or

another and having any type of contact with them is seen as disloyal

to her. Most of the drama over the last 10 years or so has revolved

around my " bad " sister. Nada traces any conflict in the family back to

her wanting to destroy nada's relationships with everyone or take her

place.

My relationship with my brother has been completely destroyed. He has

cut off all contact with all of us except one of my other brothers and

recently nada.

One of my sisters, who is a wonderful person besides, is a paranoid

pathological liar due to being the main target of nada's emotional &

physical abuse. Nada has convinced her over the years that we all hate

her and that her & her children are inferior to the rest of us,

destroying any hope she can enjoy spending time with us, share her

life with or be supported by us.

Of course even though we were all raised together for the most part &

truly love each other as flesh & blood siblings, nada likes to remind

us that blood is thicker than water. She insists it's not possible for

those of us who aren't blood related to care about each other in this way.

She talks about everyone behind their back. She spreads gossip and

embarrassing stories about details of our lives that either aren't

true or should never be repeated. She plays us against each other by

telling others what we're like or how we feel about each other. Hardly

any of it being factual.

There is such a long, detailed, intricate web of lies and manipulation

that I can barely wrap my mind around it.

Nada's behavior has become increasingly worse with age, to the point

where it's starting to become obvious to anyone who has a conversation

with her that something is seriously wrong.

For years we have all relied on her to keep us updated about each

other. What a HUGE mistake!

I am in the process of rebuilding relationships outside of nada.

>

> i was wondering about everybody's relationships with their siblings. i

> was split black and my youngest sister was split white with my middle

> sister somehow kind of left out of the whole mess (so anxious about

> things that my mom left her alone). even though one was split white

> and the other black and my mom's attempts at pitting us against one

> another (subconsciously or not, she tried), we more or less stuck

> together through stuff. i was wondering how others interacted with

> their siblings while living at home and what bp parents did/do to

> thwart relationships between their children.

>

> bink

>

[Guest guest]

I think it is some sore of distorted bpd message to make us feel guilty. She is

indirectly telling us, " You sister is here spending time with me, why aren't you

-- you selfish bit--. "

It is meant to have meaning to us, but to try and figure out the craziness is

neither worth it and usually a complete waste a time. I always viewed my nada's

conversations as coming from someone in an alternate universe; the conversations

are not supposed to make sense to us " normal " people ;-)

marstonsway wrote:

this made me think!!!

my mother for example, if she were to call me and was in the car with

my sister she will always and has always said, " I am in the car with

YOUR sister " never " I am in the car with . " I always say " I am in

the car with " not " I am in the car with YOUR OTHER DAUGHTER. "

weird, I always felt like it was an accusatory way of saying who she

was with

can anyone relate or understand this???

)

> >

> > i was wondering about everybody's relationships with their

siblings.

> i

> > was split black and my youngest sister was split white with my

middle

> > sister somehow kind of left out of the whole mess (so anxious

about

> > things that my mom left her alone). even though one was split

white

> > and the other black and my mom's attempts at pitting us against

one

> > another (subconsciously or not, she tried), we more or less stuck

> > together through stuff. i was wondering how others interacted

with

> > their siblings while living at home and what bp parents did/do to

> > thwart relationships between their children.

> >

> > bink

> >

>

---------------------------------

You rock. That's why Blockbuster's offering you one month of Blockbuster Total

Access, No Cost.

[Guest guest]

This is hard to read. But this jumped out at me " Nada resents her for this and

devalues her actions by

saying she's needy, controlling and overly emotional. "

It seems to be a very common tactic to use against anyone who does not conform

to Nada's idea of what SHE wants the family to be. I have always said that the

bully's strategy is to accuse you of the very things they are doing in order to

throw you off balance and get you to doubt your judgement. I am glad you are

trying to build relationships with siblings who are willing to take you at face

value. I am in the process of disentangling myself from my brother and

constantly question my decision, but when a person works to make you feel

demeaned then you have no choice. Some of your siblings seem to fit this, others

don't. I would be very cautious of anyone who has come in contact with your Nada

for very long until you know how she has affected them. Good luck.

Re: relationships with siblings

What a great post. It would take me me a lifetime to explain the

dynamics of my family. I'll try to sum it up.

I have 3 half brothers and 4 half sisters. Four of my siblings are

from nada's previous marriages and three are from my father's previous

marriage. Nada has tried to destroy just about every relationship in

our family and has been fairly successful at it. I am the only child

of both my mother & father. I was mostly painted white until about 2

years ago. It started when I decided to have a relationship with my

blacklisted sister. The falling out with my parents over this was of

course all part of my sister's evil plan, according to nada. I'm still

in the process of trying to figure out all the truths from lies, that

I have blindly believed most of my life. Nada's children's fathers

have both been painted black, albeit one rightfully so and the other

possibly rightful. My father's children's mother has been painted

black. Our grandparents, most of our aunts, uncles and cousins,

friends and all of my brothers and sisters at some point in time have

been painted black or completely blacklisted. I feel absolutely stupid

for accepting all the lies over the years. You would think that at

some point I would notice that all these people can not be bad. I

guess that's where I'm at.

We have lost contact over the years with my father's family except for

what we hear from my grandmother who has always fought to keep the

family together. Nada resents her for this and devalues her actions by

saying she's needy, controlling and overly emotional.

We have lost contact with nada's family as well, except for our

grandma and grandpa who seem to have given up seeking us, but are

delighted when we seek them.

All of these people have supposedly hurt nada deeply at one time or

another and having any type of contact with them is seen as disloyal

to her. Most of the drama over the last 10 years or so has revolved

around my " bad " sister. Nada traces any conflict in the family back to

her wanting to destroy nada's relationships with everyone or take her

place.

My relationship with my brother has been completely destroyed. He has

cut off all contact with all of us except one of my other brothers and

recently nada.

One of my sisters, who is a wonderful person besides, is a paranoid

pathological liar due to being the main target of nada's emotional &

physical abuse. Nada has convinced her over the years that we all hate

her and that her & her children are inferior to the rest of us,

destroying any hope she can enjoy spending time with us, share her

life with or be supported by us.

Of course even though we were all raised together for the most part &

truly love each other as flesh & blood siblings, nada likes to remind

us that blood is thicker than water. She insists it's not possible for

those of us who aren't blood related to care about each other in this way.

She talks about everyone behind their back. She spreads gossip and

embarrassing stories about details of our lives that either aren't

true or should never be repeated. She plays us against each other by

telling others what we're like or how we feel about each other. Hardly

any of it being factual.

There is such a long, detailed, intricate web of lies and manipulation

that I can barely wrap my mind around it.

Nada's behavior has become increasingly worse with age, to the point

where it's starting to become obvious to anyone who has a conversation

with her that something is seriously wrong.

For years we have all relied on her to keep us updated about each

other. What a HUGE mistake!

I am in the process of rebuilding relationships outside of nada.

>

> i was wondering about everybody's relationships with their siblings. i

> was split black and my youngest sister was split white with my middle

> sister somehow kind of left out of the whole mess (so anxious about

> things that my mom left her alone). even though one was split white

> and the other black and my mom's attempts at pitting us against one

> another (subconsciously or not, she tried), we more or less stuck

> together through stuff. i was wondering how others interacted with

> their siblings while living at home and what bp parents did/do to

> thwart relationships between their children.

>

> bink

>

________________________________________________________________________________\

____

You rock. That's why Blockbuster's offering you one month of Blockbuster Total

Access, No Cost.

http://tc.deals.yahoo.com/tc/blockbuster/text5.com

[Guest guest]

my mom painted my dad's family black, and i just realized recently

that even though i care about my two favorite aunts a lot, i was still

suspicious of their motives. i'm like, what the hell? they're not

going to do anything bad to me! relax!!

bink

> >

> > i was wondering about everybody's relationships with their

siblings. i

> > was split black and my youngest sister was split white with my middle

> > sister somehow kind of left out of the whole mess (so anxious about

> > things that my mom left her alone). even though one was split white

> > and the other black and my mom's attempts at pitting us against one

> > another (subconsciously or not, she tried), we more or less stuck

> > together through stuff. i was wondering how others interacted with

> > their siblings while living at home and what bp parents did/do to

> > thwart relationships between their children.

> >

> > bink

> >

>

[Guest guest]

My nada ALWAYS refers to her sons as " your brother " ! I've been

wondering why that is... why she doesn't use our names. I know which

one she's talking about because of proximity, and also her tone of

voice depends on whether they are painted black or white, etc. but

what's up with that? It's as if she is reminding us that we are

responsible for our siblings (she's not)? And she always refers to her

ex-husband (my " dad " , ie, the only stable parent I have ever had) by

his first and last name which really pushes my buttons. He's my dad,

not " Mr. Joe Blow " !

> >

> > i was wondering about everybody's relationships with their siblings.

> i

> > was split black and my youngest sister was split white with my middle

> > sister somehow kind of left out of the whole mess (so anxious about

> > things that my mom left her alone). even though one was split white

> > and the other black and my mom's attempts at pitting us against one

> > another (subconsciously or not, she tried), we more or less stuck

> > together through stuff. i was wondering how others interacted with

> > their siblings while living at home and what bp parents did/do to

> > thwart relationships between their children.

> >

> > bink

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> Vernamonti

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

, just wanted to let you know that this sounds REALLY FAMILIAR!

My nada lies to me about what my brother says about me, and vice

versa. My brother not only believes her, but thinks we just need to

accept her for who she is, respect her, be nice to her.... If I try to

give evidence that I'm the healthy one and she's the sick one, he gets

so angry he doesn't talk to me.

>

> My nada has played us kids against one another since I can remember. I

> am the youngest of 4 and no matter how injust the siblings were to me

> (which is normal for siblings to tease and torture), I never got an

> ounce of empathy or compassion from her; nothing! As long as we all

> hated eachother and ran to her to fix whatever it was, she couldn't ask

> for more. As we grew older and connected, she would find anything,

> literally anything to make us mad at eachother. There are so many

> examples, I cannot possibly begin to explain. The sad thing is none of

> my siblings have understood or accepted her illness, I think one of my

> sisters is a possible bp herself, she is a Minnie nada, she has no

> identity with out my mom. She is 30, has a 10 yr old and both live at

> my parents house--my poor, poor nephew. Nada has spent so many years

> trying to turn us siblings on each eachother, and with one of them--it

> worked! And I'm afraid permanently. My sister agrees with nada on

> everything and they create resentment, crisis, ridicule, and judgment

> together as a team. They work together against family, relatives,

> strangers, anyone who may make them feel inferior as a person or anyone

> who has an identity for themselves. The funny/sad part: as soon as

> nada has one of us other siblings alone and away from Minnie nada,

> she'll bad mouth Minnie nada. If I stick up for Minnie Nada, I am

> " sick like her " , if I tell Minnie Nada what nada said (BTW I don't do

> this anymore) she will not believe me, and then they'll go congregate

> together and reassure themselves that I am in fact some kind of freak.

> I could go on and on and on. I have begun to cut ties with them over

> the past 2 yrs. It is the only way. I am only now beginning to reap

> the plethora of rewards.

>

>

>

> I'm new to this group and lingo. What does, NC, LC and painting

> black/white mean????

>

>

>

> Thanks so much,

>

>

>

>

>

>

> --------------------------------------------------------

>

>

[Guest guest]

I have an older sister and brother. I was always put in the

position and made to feel I was responsible for their behavior -

like my mother sees us as one unit. I was called the " peacemaker "

or the glue that holds the family together because I was always

willing to say anything to placate my mom to not cause anymore drama

(walking on eggshells!). Bleh! I'm so tired of that. My mom is

always asking me how my sister and brother are doing and she also

asks why they don't come visit her. I realized that when I was

talking to my counselor and she asked about my childhood, I would

answer " we did this " or " we did that " ! I was answering for my

brother and sister! I have tried to stop doing that and both my

parents have noticed a change - they ask " what happened to my little

peacemaker " ?

~

> > >

> > > i was wondering about everybody's relationships with their

siblings.

> > i

> > > was split black and my youngest sister was split white with my

middle

> > > sister somehow kind of left out of the whole mess (so anxious

about

> > > things that my mom left her alone). even though one was split

white

> > > and the other black and my mom's attempts at pitting us

against one

> > > another (subconsciously or not, she tried), we more or less

stuck

> > > together through stuff. i was wondering how others interacted

with

> > > their siblings while living at home and what bp parents did/do

to

> > > thwart relationships between their children.

> > >

> > > bink

> > >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > Vernamonti

> >

> >

> >