Re: Newbie. And another long familiar text book story...

March 24, 2008

Why not cut your ties and your losses now and extract yourself from

this situation? What price is the stress worth to you? What's

keeping you there to endure all of this drama?

-Kyla

>

> Hi all:

>

> I'm babysitting here while is gone for a few days.

>

> This is an email from the husband of a member talking about coping

with his mother in law. It seems fine to have him on the list as

long as the topic of discussion is the mother in law, not each

other. HK, I hope this is your own email address, not your wife's.

Each person should have their own address.

>

> If I don't have things right or there are concerns, please let me

know.

>

> Thanks.

> Randi Kreger

> Randi @BPDCentral.com

> BPDCentral.com

> Welcome to Oz Community Owner

> Stop Walking on Eggshells and the SWOE Workbook

> ________________________________________________________________

>

> Hello everyone.

>

> My wife has been on this list for a while and has repeatedly

suggested that

> I log in and join. I've been loathe do do so in that I've seen it

as 'her

> space' and didn't want to intrude on that. However, two things

have prompted

> me to join in the conversation a. we are very open with each other

and b. I

> joined another 'caregivers' site and it does not seem to get to

the 'bones

> of the matter' as this group does. As a result I did not introduce

myself to

> that group and am coming here with what could probably be called a

bottled

> up experience. I will try and condense the following as much as

possible.

>

> About 8 years ago I was looking at BPD with interest on the Net

but kept it

> to myself. Two years ago I sat down and read Understanding the

Borderline

> Mother for the first time and things started to fall into place.

My mother

> in law has been described as an example of the worst kind of BPD

one will

> find, according to the therapist who switched us onto the book.

>

> When I met my wife 15 years back her mother had the habit of

calling between

> 10pm and midnight saying she was going to hang her dog with a

piece of wire

> and then kill herself because her daughter was not there with her.

This used

> to pitch her into a blue funk at a time of night when new couples

are eager

> to get into bed and light the candles. After this had happened one

too many

> times for me to ignore, I simply took the phone from her and

politely yet

> firmly told her mother not to call after 9:30pm. At this time of

night she

> would not have consumed enough alcohol to be so maudlin. When this

was not

> respected we changed the number and I immediately became enemy

No.1!

>

> With my audacity to put my foot down her drinking and prescription

drug

> abuse wound her up in hospital. To my horror, the rest of the

family held me

> entirely responsible for this. I was deemed the reason she had to

be

> hospitalised. She had spent a lot of time on that phone making

sure that

> everyone would see it that way.

>

> I cannot deny being the catalyst for her self destructive

behaviour to reach

> its peak by my continued relationship with her daughter and my 'no

nonsense'

> attitude towards her justification for doing so. Her son and her

ex husband

> both tried to dry her out and get her to have a bath on a few

occasions yet

> they both gave up. My wife's father plainly told her it was

her 'duty' to

> look after her mother. My/our life got to the point of being on

hold and

> after about 6 years of this drama I stepped in and decided to take

it on

> myself. I first put her in a drying out clinic and had an 'anti-

booze'

> implant inserted and told her if she drinks she will get horribly

ill or

> die. We brought her back home for a few months and it slowly began

to dawn

> on me that the booze had nothing to do with her behaviour. There

was an

> underlying problem and this was when I stumbled across BPD on the

Net. We

> had her placed in a home.

>

> This is where the real problem started for me and is the reason

why I am

> here. Her son came out from the States and there were two things

the home

> asked us please not to do. One was not to visit her too often as

it would

> take days to calm her down again and the other was to definitely

not take

> her back to her old home environment. He did both.

>

> I called him to have a discussion with my wife and I and told him

that we

> were going to leave the house (too many ghosts of the past), that

he should

> find someone to rent it and that we were going to get on with our

lives. His

> mother was no longer a danger to herself and we would make sure

she had what

> she needed and would visit occasionally when she had settled in

properly.

> However, he begged us to stay, choose a place/city/town where *we

*wished to

> be, that there is a family of means and would offer moral and

emotional

> support, we should sell the house and buy a place with a cottage

for 'mom'

> and take care of her instead of leaving her to die in a home. As

for the

> first time *our *lives were being thought of and accommodated, we

agreed. We

> even told him immediately where we would go.

>

> Within a couple of months we found someone to rent the house in

the city and

> with this we rented an old sprawling stone house in a country

village with a

> cottage. My wife was expecting our second child and we decided

that once the

> newborn was a couple of months old we would bring the old battle-

axe, who

> was now suitably medicated and dry, into our care. My wife's half

sister,

> who grew up separately with their father, did not know the full

details of

> our arrangement with my wife's brother and who had never seen the

extent of

> nada's rage, went to visit her and she started screaming at her

that she

> wanted her money. She went to her bank to get her some and

discovered that

> we were channelling the rental for what we had set up in the

country through

> nada's account. The sh*t hit the fan. We were accused of being

thieves, the

> account was frozen, the brother denied making the agreement with

us and we

> wound up on the street with a three year old, a newborn and three

dogs. The

> entire blame was once more dumped on me and I was ordered to

disappear and

> immediately.

>

> In a daze, I literally engineered the situation from behind the

scenes. I

> got the old stone house back, got a considerably calmer/medicated

nada out

> of the home and rented a room across the street. For a year there

was calm,

> idyll actually. Then it was discovered I was around. There were

threats to

> take nada back to the home and to pull the rug once more. I came

out blazing

> and made sure everyone was clear that without me there was

nothing, that I

> was the one one holding it all together. But we were seen as the

people that

> were stealing from a helpless old lady. The meal was burnt.

>

> For four years I stuck to my guns about our agreement, all the

while looking

> after nada while we were forced to live on next to nothing and

being told

> that we should be 'responsible and grateful', that we were getting

a free

> ride. The brother kept on denying his agreement with us to the

rest of the

> family. However, the sister in law slowly came around to what was

going on

> and put her weight in with us. When we told him of our plans he

tried to

> throw a punch at my wife but hit his head on an eye level cabinet

instead,

> while I was out. We sold another city property and bought a lovely

log cabin

> on a smallholding on a hill just outside of the city. The brother

pledged an

> amount of money to erect a cabin for his mother. We paid for it

with our

> building loan. He transferred the basic cost six months later and

18 months

> down the line he is still holding back on the other half to build

her

> bathroom. This puts her in our space 10 to 20 times in a day. The

man is

> once more in the country and there is little to be seen of him as

he peruses

> spreadsheets and tries to get dirt on me. It must be March!! The

month he is

> usually in the country, same month he made this agreement/request

with us.

>

> Here's the bottom line. He does not contribute in any meaningful

way to the

> upkeep of his mother. He cannot be seen by his father to be co-

operating

> with us as there is a sizeable inheritance in the offing and it is

important

> to keep the status-quo that I am persona non-grata. This was

originally

> initiated by nada and there is still a complete denial of her

condition. We

> sit with a bond that is a millstone around the neck while he

clings to the

> other house his mother owns as part of his inheritance from her.

He has

> taken all her valuables out of safe storage and locked them in a

basement

> without mention or asking. She constantly asks for her things. My

wife, the

> kids and I having an occasional break is simply not thought about.

A house

> help is not thought about. The full responsibility lies with us

and yes

> we're once more becoming frayed at the edges. My question is; What

do I do

> with this man? What would you do with this man?

>

> Thank you very much to those that can take the time to read and

respond to

> this and for being on the planet!

> Love and light.

> H

>

> --

> oldmanriver

>

March 24, 2008

Good grief. That sounds like a mess. I'm curious if, on your side,

your wife's inheritance is influencing how you navigate this

situation. If it isn't and there is nothing to lose, I would

probably call adult protective services and try to find out what is

the best thing to do in this situation and how to best help her. I

don't know about where you are but I know in my state social

services will pay you to care for her (an hourly wage) if she is

dependent. He is half-trying to care for her and half-keeping his

inheritance in good stead. You have rights and the bpd mom has

rights, and it seems like the problem is that all of this is being

done under the table, at the behest of someone not directly involved

in her care who has a financial gain at stake. I would say it all

needs to come out from under the table and be dealt with by the

letter of the law. Because you can't even really rent a house to

someone without a bathroom. That would not get a certificate of

occupancy or pass inspection. It's hard to say anything further

without knowing more about the situation. See what I'm getting at.

My feeling is the brother needs to take complete responsibility for

the mother and meet her care needs adequately (per state

regulations) or he needs to fully turn over that responsibility to

you, openly admit you are the ones doing it, and allow you the money

to build her bathroom so you all aren't violating the law, or get

out of the way so you can place her back in the home, which would

probably be the best for all concerned. He's being selfish beyond

belief here. Does he have some ulterior motive, like power of

attorney, that he is hoping will come into play later on and he can

fleece her for mmore money? Are you sure the possessions are locked

up and not being sold out from under her? Did he even have the

authority to move them? Something is really rotten about his

behavior.

March 24, 2008

That is what I was thinking too Kyla. I cared for my grandmother for 3

years before her death and I am pretty passionate about the rights of

the elderly but your post is brilliant in it's brevity. My feeling is

the woman needs to be institutionalized, for her own care and safety,

like you I agree her not being there would be the best for everyone

involved.

March 25, 2008

Great points, Mayalisa --

I also see the potential for a nasty lawsuit after the mother dies --

if the brother has the audacity to lie about previous agreements

he's made, I see nothing stopping him from lying after she's gone,

and making " H " and his wife the scapegoats (not to

mention " defendants " ) -- perhaps trying to wrest some of their

inheritance from them in a lawsuit.

I think " H " and his wife need to evaluate why they're hanging in for

so much abuse and potential liability -- and talk to a lawyer and

get some things in writing or threaten to " walk off the job " and let

the brother handle it. Not to mention the stress of caring for a

severe, elderly BPD. Some things come at too high a price.

-Kyla

>

> Good grief. That sounds like a mess. I'm curious if, on your side,

> your wife's inheritance is influencing how you navigate this

> situation. If it isn't and there is nothing to lose, I would

> probably call adult protective services and try to find out what

is

> the best thing to do in this situation and how to best help her. I

> don't know about where you are but I know in my state social

> services will pay you to care for her (an hourly wage) if she is

> dependent. He is half-trying to care for her and half-keeping his

> inheritance in good stead. You have rights and the bpd mom has

> rights, and it seems like the problem is that all of this is being

> done under the table, at the behest of someone not directly

involved

> in her care who has a financial gain at stake. I would say it all

> needs to come out from under the table and be dealt with by the

> letter of the law. Because you can't even really rent a house to

> someone without a bathroom. That would not get a certificate of

> occupancy or pass inspection. It's hard to say anything further

> without knowing more about the situation. See what I'm getting at.

> My feeling is the brother needs to take complete responsibility

for

> the mother and meet her care needs adequately (per state

> regulations) or he needs to fully turn over that responsibility to

> you, openly admit you are the ones doing it, and allow you the

money

> to build her bathroom so you all aren't violating the law, or get

> out of the way so you can place her back in the home, which would

> probably be the best for all concerned. He's being selfish beyond

> belief here. Does he have some ulterior motive, like power of

> attorney, that he is hoping will come into play later on and he

can

> fleece her for mmore money? Are you sure the possessions are

locked

> up and not being sold out from under her? Did he even have the

> authority to move them? Something is really rotten about his

> behavior.

>

March 25, 2008

true, and in my unpalatable experience with bpd's, one thing I have

noticed is that they seem to know that any arbitrator of a dispute is

going to assume that both parties are lying to promote their own

interests, and will render a decision 'in the middle'. I've

experienced this several times on jobs. BPD's seem to really

understand that authority figures try to be fair, so they can lie

their arses off and move the outcome a lot closer to their desired

outcome, and further away from what is just, just by playing on the

arbitrator's assumption that both parties are biased to themselves; it

seems it's not very often that a mediator realizes one party can be

mentally healthy, and the other a bpd, they operate instead from the

presumption that both parties are flawed and grasping for more than

their fair share. That is why it is so important to have documentation

for EVERYTHING and the brother-in-law is setting it up so that there

is no documentation for anything...plus the act of putting the

mother's possessions under lock and key...he will probably claim at

some point he had to protect her things from being stolen. It probably

will escalate into a great big mess, with the caretaking couple being

fleeced both now and in the end.

March 25, 2008

Oops, sorry for the presumption you were in the U.S., very American

of me (blushes).

That is interesting about the collapse of institutional care there,

home-based is the best but not always in situations like yours. Wow,

it seems that social worker really keyed in on the seriousness,

giving you the protective order. It certainly gives you leverage to

get things changed. His behavior is so strange and inconsistent that

it is hard to tell what his motives are...I think he needs to come

cleaner about whose interests he is operating in, just as I am sure

you and your wife wish he would. And then he needs to straighten up

and either take more responsibility or stop interfering completely,

it sounds like your willingness to do as much as you have has

spoiled him...but I know how it is in these situations, having cared

for my grandmother, you can't *not* care for the elder relative,

someone has to. I hope that it all works out for the best. Perhaps

you can go back to the social worker and say 'look, I appreciate the

protective order but that is a bit drastic and might create more

problems than it solves (and it will if the brother thinks it will

affect his inheritance, which it could I guess), is there any less

drastic way to handle this?' She might know of a less radical

approach to take that is in compliance with the law.

March 25, 2008

If ever anyone needed a lawyer, it is you. I do hope this message gets to you.

It is called bait and switch and your brother in law is a pro. Find a lawyer to

set up a contract that explains the terms of the deal, who gets what and how

much. What are allowable living wages, in home help and up keep for the " battle

axe " and what you are allow as living expenses because you are assuming the

burden of seeing that she is looked after. Spell it out, no more gentleman's

agreements because your brother in law is no gentleman and he is angling for a

big share of the pie. Get it in writing and have the lawyer deal with the SOB

who makes deals and reneges on them. You need to distance yourself from it.

There should be an audit of your mother in law's valuables and they should be

stored in a BANK safety deposit box, period. Two family members should have keys

and there should be a record of when that box gets opened and what is taken out.

Unfortunately your brother in law is every bit as BPD as the mum. Protect

yourself and disentangle yourself from this sorry mess. If no one wants to go

along with this, DUMP your mother in law on the son's door step with the

understanding that she is now his problem and stick to it. No more MR Nice guy.

You are being taken advantage of and it needs to stop. If I have been too blunt,

please forgive me, but as I read it you are expected to assume full

responsibility for this nada, have actually stabilized her, WITHOUT credit for

the actions. It is not fair and seems to me that you have tried to be extremely

fair.

The threat to transfer the nada back to the son should do it, if not put her in

a home and be done with it. Protect yourself and let the family twist in the

wind for a while.

Be strong

Newbie. And another long familiar text book

story...

Hi all:

I'm babysitting here while is gone for a few days.

This is an email from the husband of a member talking about coping with his

mother in law. It seems fine to have him on the list as long as the topic of

discussion is the mother in law, not each other. HK, I hope this is your own

email address, not your wife's. Each person should have their own address.

If I don't have things right or there are concerns, please let me know.

Thanks.

Randi Kreger

Randi @BPDCentral. com

BPDCentral.com

Welcome to Oz Community Owner

Stop Walking on Eggshells and the SWOE Workbook

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _

Hello everyone.

My wife has been on this list for a while and has repeatedly suggested that

I log in and join. I've been loathe do do so in that I've seen it as 'her

space' and didn't want to intrude on that. However, two things have prompted

me to join in the conversation a. we are very open with each other and b. I

joined another 'caregivers' site and it does not seem to get to the 'bones

of the matter' as this group does. As a result I did not introduce myself to

that group and am coming here with what could probably be called a bottled

up experience. I will try and condense the following as much as possible.

About 8 years ago I was looking at BPD with interest on the Net but kept it

to myself. Two years ago I sat down and read Understanding the Borderline

Mother for the first time and things started to fall into place. My mother

in law has been described as an example of the worst kind of BPD one will

find, according to the therapist who switched us onto the book.

When I met my wife 15 years back her mother had the habit of calling between

10pm and midnight saying she was going to hang her dog with a piece of wire

and then kill herself because her daughter was not there with her. This used

to pitch her into a blue funk at a time of night when new couples are eager

to get into bed and light the candles. After this had happened one too many

times for me to ignore, I simply took the phone from her and politely yet

firmly told her mother not to call after 9:30pm. At this time of night she

would not have consumed enough alcohol to be so maudlin. When this was not

respected we changed the number and I immediately became enemy No.1!

With my audacity to put my foot down her drinking and prescription drug

abuse wound her up in hospital. To my horror, the rest of the family held me

entirely responsible for this. I was deemed the reason she had to be

hospitalised. She had spent a lot of time on that phone making sure that

everyone would see it that way.

I cannot deny being the catalyst for her self destructive behaviour to reach

its peak by my continued relationship with her daughter and my 'no nonsense'

attitude towards her justification for doing so. Her son and her ex husband

both tried to dry her out and get her to have a bath on a few occasions yet

they both gave up. My wife's father plainly told her it was her 'duty' to

look after her mother. My/our life got to the point of being on hold and

after about 6 years of this drama I stepped in and decided to take it on

myself. I first put her in a drying out clinic and had an 'anti-booze'

implant inserted and told her if she drinks she will get horribly ill or

die. We brought her back home for a few months and it slowly began to dawn

on me that the booze had nothing to do with her behaviour. There was an

underlying problem and this was when I stumbled across BPD on the Net. We

had her placed in a home.

This is where the real problem started for me and is the reason why I am

here. Her son came out from the States and there were two things the home

asked us please not to do. One was not to visit her too often as it would

take days to calm her down again and the other was to definitely not take

her back to her old home environment. He did both.

I called him to have a discussion with my wife and I and told him that we

were going to leave the house (too many ghosts of the past), that he should

find someone to rent it and that we were going to get on with our lives. His

mother was no longer a danger to herself and we would make sure she had what

she needed and would visit occasionally when she had settled in properly.

However, he begged us to stay, choose a place/city/town where *we *wished to

be, that there is a family of means and would offer moral and emotional

support, we should sell the house and buy a place with a cottage for 'mom'

and take care of her instead of leaving her to die in a home. As for the

first time *our *lives were being thought of and accommodated, we agreed. We

even told him immediately where we would go.

Within a couple of months we found someone to rent the house in the city and

with this we rented an old sprawling stone house in a country village with a

cottage. My wife was expecting our second child and we decided that once the

newborn was a couple of months old we would bring the old battle-axe, who

was now suitably medicated and dry, into our care. My wife's half sister,

who grew up separately with their father, did not know the full details of

our arrangement with my wife's brother and who had never seen the extent of

nada's rage, went to visit her and she started screaming at her that she

wanted her money. She went to her bank to get her some and discovered that

we were channelling the rental for what we had set up in the country through

nada's account. The sh*t hit the fan. We were accused of being thieves, the

account was frozen, the brother denied making the agreement with us and we

wound up on the street with a three year old, a newborn and three dogs. The

entire blame was once more dumped on me and I was ordered to disappear and

immediately.

In a daze, I literally engineered the situation from behind the scenes. I

got the old stone house back, got a considerably calmer/medicated nada out

of the home and rented a room across the street. For a year there was calm,

idyll actually. Then it was discovered I was around. There were threats to

take nada back to the home and to pull the rug once more. I came out blazing

and made sure everyone was clear that without me there was nothing, that I

was the one one holding it all together. But we were seen as the people that

were stealing from a helpless old lady. The meal was burnt.

For four years I stuck to my guns about our agreement, all the while looking

after nada while we were forced to live on next to nothing and being told

that we should be 'responsible and grateful', that we were getting a free

ride. The brother kept on denying his agreement with us to the rest of the

family. However, the sister in law slowly came around to what was going on

and put her weight in with us. When we told him of our plans he tried to

throw a punch at my wife but hit his head on an eye level cabinet instead,

while I was out. We sold another city property and bought a lovely log cabin

on a smallholding on a hill just outside of the city. The brother pledged an

amount of money to erect a cabin for his mother. We paid for it with our

building loan. He transferred the basic cost six months later and 18 months

down the line he is still holding back on the other half to build her

bathroom. This puts her in our space 10 to 20 times in a day. The man is

once more in the country and there is little to be seen of him as he peruses

spreadsheets and tries to get dirt on me. It must be March!! The month he is

usually in the country, same month he made this agreement/request with us.

Here's the bottom line. He does not contribute in any meaningful way to the

upkeep of his mother. He cannot be seen by his father to be co-operating

with us as there is a sizeable inheritance in the offing and it is important

to keep the status-quo that I am persona non-grata. This was originally

initiated by nada and there is still a complete denial of her condition. We

sit with a bond that is a millstone around the neck while he clings to the

other house his mother owns as part of his inheritance from her. He has

taken all her valuables out of safe storage and locked them in a basement

without mention or asking. She constantly asks for her things. My wife, the

kids and I having an occasional break is simply not thought about. A house

help is not thought about. The full responsibility lies with us and yes

we're once more becoming frayed at the edges. My question is; What do I do

with this man? What would you do with this man?

Thank you very much to those that can take the time to read and respond to

this and for being on the planet!

Love and light.

H

--

oldmanriver

March 25, 2008

An amazing tool the internet. South Africa, very cool. I don't know what the

laws are like in your country, but if you do nothing else other than get the

" understanding " on paper and SIGNED by all parties affected by the situation,

you will be doing yourself a great deal of good. You are between a rock and a

hard place. Stand your ground and don't take anymore foolishness from your

brother in law.

Be Strong

Re: Newbie. And another long familiar text book

story...

Hi Mayalisa.

Thank you, this is the kind of feedback I have been hoping for. I

cringed at the length and the emotional dump of my first post but I

figure there is a lot of pressure behind the tap! Inheritance is of

very little concern to both my wife and myself. To define that I will

go so far as to say we are more the 'living by faith' types and feel

very fortunate with what we already have. My wife has even gone so far

as saying she wants to officially 'disinherit' herself to get out of

the loop of the other 'brown-nosing' siblings to put it bluntly. For

the sake of clarity it is the father who has the money, not the mother

(his ex wife).. As already mentioned, there is still an atmosphere of

denial about her condition and it was all passed off to alcohol abuse

until that factor was eliminated and what was under the wall-paper

began to show.

We live in South Africa and the Health dept. has shifted towards home

based care rather than institutionalisatio n, in fact most of the

previous care centres have gone to pot and many have closed down. One

need just read the news here to get an idea. There is plenty tax money

to support these institutions as ZA is still a thriving economy, but

corruption is rife.

Re the bathroom situation. Nada spends the majority of her time in the

main house quietly watching the telly or dozing off and her cottage is

right next to us, she chose the spot for the view of Table Mountain.

In that sense she is very happy, when we lived inland she always

expressed a desire to live here and I figured 'well lets do that and

eliminate that from the wish-list'. Its not as though she has no

ablutions, it would be great if she had her own, like more than a year

ago, as promised by her son.

The brother/son has unfortunately been the headache in the situation

as he assumes the right of involvement by virtue of being her son. Its

kind of the same as the entitlement shown by a BPD mother who sees her

children as possessions rather than individuals. The recent mention of

mothering being a verb and not a noun describes the phenomenon very

well. My concern has been/is how to deal with this. I have taken in

all the suggestions here and with gratitude am going to mull it over

while I go and deliver some compost. Suffice to say that a few months

back I consulted a state Social Worker and her response was to supply

us with a protection/restrain ing order. One can only begin to imagine

the furore this will create. It is good however to be able to

communicate with people who understand where one is coming from and

have the experience in order to comment. Thank once again. hk

________________________________________________________________________________\

____

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March 25, 2008

Goodness me, the chorus for new people here must be " I can't believe

this group actually exists! "

Thank you . That's quite a mouthful. Sort of have me looking

around thinking 'who said that?' I will need to read a few times till

its all in. A few of things that may not seem to be related but for

the sake of further clarity.

About 4 years ago said brother in law was in the country (he lives in

SFran CA and therefore its rather difficult to dump nada on his

doorstep) and came with with his mother and I to see a neurologist. As

we walked in the doc asked who the son was and the son pointed at me.

It was a telling moment. I've been actively involved in taking care of

her for more than 10 years. This was before we were introduced to UBM

or even BPD by a therapist. Ironically it was him who had to post us

two copies from the States as there were none available here in South

Africa. Months later I heard that he had 'not got around to reading

it' himself and was reportedly unconvinced by the content.

You suggest that he is BPD as well as his nada. My jaw dropped with

the unspoken words. When my brain went into search mode to try and

verify this it spat out the image of him trying to punch his sister

when it became clear we were going to hold him to his word/request.

The plausibility in public rounds it off. I/we did not lay a charge as

he would have had to appear in court in ZA at a later date and would

have lost his Green card. Obviously things are more peaceful when he

is out of the country...

I have asked for support/advice and I have been given it in a flash

for which I am very grateful. We have a saying here in the local

language roughly translated as " Clever catches his own boss " . There

are already some significant papers that are in place from run of the

mill conveyance and in the last year my SO has taken some solid steps

to protect her own interests in a fair and square way. It has been

clear for some time that her brother has an attitude of entitlement

and will try take more than his share. But BPD himself? Narcissistic

yes, but that does give serious food for thought. No small wonder my

repulsion and caution, eg. when he is in the country I wont leave SO

and the kids alone with him. Not any more. I will have to carefully

consider what legal steps can best be taken forthwith.

Bed calling!

Hylton/H

>

> If ever anyone needed a lawyer, it is you. I do hope this message

gets to you. It is called bait and switch and your brother in law is a

pro. Find a lawyer to set up a contract that explains the terms of the

deal, who gets what and how much. What are allowable living wages, in

March 25, 2008

If I have overstepped any boundaries, please let me know. I don't know the full

extent of what goes on, but based on your posting that is what jumped out at me.

The fact that he would get the book UBM and hand it to you but not read it just

cements the suspicion. That he would make an agreement and then go back on it

and broadcast to the rest of the family that it was your fault is another item

that leads me to believe that your brother in law is probably BPD. That he threw

a punch at your wife, classic. You are right to seek protection and keep your

eye on your family. As we say in Texas with a very pronounced drawl, " Your wife

done goooood in pickin' you. " Even the battle axe should be grateful that you

are looking after her and not her " son " .

Take care and let us know how it turns out.