Nursing Home Visit Dread

[Guest guest]

My father is in a memory care unit at a local nursing home. He is widowed and I

am an only child. I placed him in the home after having him live with my

husband and I for 10 months after my mother's death.

Every single visit, he will only discuss how he wants me to get him an apartment

and let him live alone. He truly believes that nothing is wrong with him and

that he does not have dementia. He even claims that one of the nurses there

told him that he didn't belong there. The social worker there advised me to try

to redirect the conversation when it occurs. I've tried that but he always

comes back to it. I basically have to get up and leave him in mid-sentence at

the end of the visit because he senses I am about to leave and starts asking me

when we are going to visit apartments.

After every visit, I so strongly feel that I just never want to go and see him

again. We never had a close relationship and there is no enjoyment for me in

the visit. There is no love connection between us. It is rather sad. I think

he appreciates that I take him out to Mc's for an ice cream cone but I

don't really think he gets any particular enjoyment in seeing me or talking to

me. I do feel a strong responsibility for him and of course guilt that I did

place him in the nursing home. He has periods of low functioning and periods

like now of fairly high function. I almost think he is so mad at being in the

nursing home that it is keeping him more alert.

It seems like it takes me two days to get over the visit, then I have a few days

of peace and then I can feel dread coming over me for a day or two before the

next visit. I try to go once a week. I even have intestinal problems the day

of or day before. So far, I keep making myself go visit.

I don't know how much longer I can take it.

T.