Re: Nursing Home Visit Dread

[Guest guest]

Hi there, my sisters and I are experiencing the same thing with my Dad. Most of

the time, not always he will demand to " check out pay the bill " to go home. The

only person he really wants to see is my Mom. We all take turns going there to

see him during the week. Its hard bec we all are close to my Dad and love him

tons. There are times when he appears lucid and it makes you doubt yourself as

to why he is there. But all the other issues such as not walking well, falls,

hard time feeding himself, and etc in addition to the memory issues with LBD

parkinsons, reminds us why he is there. We tell him " Dr says you have to stay so

there's nothing we can do " . He's been there since December. It is real hard

when he becomes agitated and sometimes hallucinates as he has sundowners too.

There's certain times of the day to visit. Nightime is def not the best. So

perhaps figure out which part of the day to visit? I usually tell him I have to

go home and feed my daughter, or go to a work-related event. He usually asks to

go with me but I tell him he can't gently. Sometimes he accepts it easily,

sometimes not. The days I visit are never the same as the last time. Support for

your self via this grp is a good step in the right direction.

Sheri A. Farinha

Chief Executive Officer

NorCal Services for Deaf & Hard of Hearing

4708 Roseville Rd, Suite 111

North Highlands, CA 95660

www.norcalcenter.org

Email: SFarinha@...

Pager: xoSheri@...

Telephone:

VP: (916)993-3040 or (916)626-4928

Nursing Home Visit Dread

My father is in a memory care unit at a local nursing home. He is widowed and I

am an only child. I placed him in the home after having him live with my

husband and I for 10 months after my mother's death.

Every single visit, he will only discuss how he wants me to get him an apartment

and let him live alone. He truly believes that nothing is wrong with him and

that he does not have dementia. He even claims that one of the nurses there

told him that he didn't belong there. The social worker there advised me to try

to redirect the conversation when it occurs. I've tried that but he always

comes back to it. I basically have to get up and leave him in mid-sentence at

the end of the visit because he senses I am about to leave and starts asking me

when we are going to visit apartments.

After every visit, I so strongly feel that I just never want to go and see him

again. We never had a close relationship and there is no enjoyment for me in

the visit. There is no love connection between us. It is rather sad. I think

he appreciates that I take him out to Mc's for an ice cream cone but I

don't really think he gets any particular enjoyment in seeing me or talking to

me. I do feel a strong responsibility for him and of course guilt that I did

place him in the nursing home. He has periods of low functioning and periods

like now of fairly high function. I almost think he is so mad at being in the

nursing home that it is keeping him more alert.

It seems like it takes me two days to get over the visit, then I have a few days

of peace and then I can feel dread coming over me for a day or two before the

next visit. I try to go once a week. I even have intestinal problems the day

of or day before. So far, I keep making myself go visit.

I don't know how much longer I can take it.

T.

[Guest guest]

This is so typical ...so many people have posted about it here! I went

through it with my mom for many months. Like your dad, my mom and I

weren't close, in fact she had pretty much shut my sister and me out of

her life and kept us at arm's length for years. So when I suddenly had

to step in and deal with her illness, I was flying blind as to her

history, personality, issues, etc.

Anyway, it took probably close to a year before she got used to the fact

that she was going to stay at the nursing home. It is an excellent

facility, and she does better there than anywhere else. For those first

months, and to a gradually lesser degree through the first year, though,

it was tears, suicide threats, rage, and all sorts of nastiness to try

and manipulate me. I'd come home shaking.

The reason it bothered me so much was the guilt, frankly. We are

programmed to think of nursing homes as bad places, " last resorts " , the

end of the line, rather than helpful and useful places that can help

people reach their fullest potential given where they are in life. So

even though they could do for her what I couldn't, and it was the best

place for her to get her needs met, I still felt guilt. And when she was

yanking my chain it was my (misplaced!) guilt that responded and made me

miserable.

There is no need to feel guilt when we are doing the best thing for our

parents. It took me a while to realize that. And yes, she was miserable,

and I didn't like that...but it is a miserable disease, I didn't cause

it, and ultimately she had to deal with it. I could help her the best

that I could but I couldn't assume responsibility for her feelings and

misery.

Putting things into perspective is what ultimately helped me to deal

with the feelings that you are also now experiencing. The disease wasn't

my fault, I had to get to a point where I would refuse to let her put

her misery on my shoulders. I was doing everything I could for her, the

BEST I could do for her, and I had to banish the guilt. And mostly, I

had to stop allowing her - make a choice not to let her - yank my chain

about her situation.

It was difficult and it was hard work to retrain my thinking but in the

end we are both happier. She finally adjusted, and we are closer than

we've ever been. It was really tough, especially those first few months,

but in the end almost a blessing because we are so very close, we go out

together a lot, she spends entire days at my home with me, and life is

even fun together. A blessing in disguise, otherwise she would have

lived out her life and left it without us ever having a relationship

again.

I'm hoping that once you get through your own feelings that are allowing

your dad's behavior to upset you so much, you and he will enjoy a richer

relationship than you know now .

His,

Sherry

daughter/guardian of , dx 4/09 with LBD, living in a nearby NH

> My father is in a memory care unit at a local nursing home. He is widowed and

I am an only child. I placed him in the home after having him live with my

husband and I for 10 months after my mother's death.

>

> Every single visit, he will only discuss how he wants me to get him an

apartment and let him live alone. He truly believes that nothing is wrong with

him and that he does not have dementia. He even claims that one of the nurses

there told him that he didn't belong there. The social worker there advised me

to try to redirect the conversation when it occurs. I've tried that but he

always comes back to it. I basically have to get up and leave him in

mid-sentence at the end of the visit because he senses I am about to leave and

starts asking me when we are going to visit apartments.

>

> After every visit, I so strongly feel that I just never want to go and see him

again. We never had a close relationship and there is no enjoyment for me in

the visit. There is no love connection between us. It is rather sad. I think

he appreciates that I take him out to Mc's for an ice cream cone but I

don't really think he gets any particular enjoyment in seeing me or talking to

me. I do feel a strong responsibility for him and of course guilt that I did

place him in the nursing home. He has periods of low functioning and periods

like now of fairly high function. I almost think he is so mad at being in the

nursing home that it is keeping him more alert.

>

> It seems like it takes me two days to get over the visit, then I have a few

days of peace and then I can feel dread coming over me for a day or two before

the next visit. I try to go once a week. I even have intestinal problems the

day of or day before. So far, I keep making myself go visit.

>

> I don't know how much longer I can take it.

[Guest guest]

I think I will have to reread your reply before and after each visit. Did your

mom deny that anything was wrong with her? My dad doesn't remember his episodes

and doesn't recognize his cognitive problems. I have felt that he is trying to

be manipulative sometimes. Things you've said about not being responsible for

his happiness have run through my mind but I guess they have been pushed out by

that guilt feeling. I rethink my decisions over and over again. He has been at

the nursing home for 3.5 months. I need to work on myself it seems. It is

hard. I'll keep trying.

During her adjusting months did you try to " redirect " conversations about

leaving the nursing home or did you " tell it like it is. " The redirecting

didn't seem to work well for me. It rather left it open to the possibility that

he would be leaving. It didn't feel right.

T.

> > My father is in a memory care unit at a local nursing home. He is widowed

and I am an only child. I placed him in the home after having him live with my

husband and I for 10 months after my mother's death.

> >

> > Every single visit, he will only discuss how he wants me to get him an

apartment and let him live alone. He truly believes that nothing is wrong with

him and that he does not have dementia. He even claims that one of the nurses

there told him that he didn't belong there. The social worker there advised me

to try to redirect the conversation when it occurs. I've tried that but he

always comes back to it. I basically have to get up and leave him in

mid-sentence at the end of the visit because he senses I am about to leave and

starts asking me when we are going to visit apartments.

> >

> > After every visit, I so strongly feel that I just never want to go and see

him again. We never had a close relationship and there is no enjoyment for me

in the visit. There is no love connection between us. It is rather sad. I

think he appreciates that I take him out to Mc's for an ice cream cone but

I don't really think he gets any particular enjoyment in seeing me or talking to

me. I do feel a strong responsibility for him and of course guilt that I did

place him in the nursing home. He has periods of low functioning and periods

like now of fairly high function. I almost think he is so mad at being in the

nursing home that it is keeping him more alert.

> >

> > It seems like it takes me two days to get over the visit, then I have a few

days of peace and then I can feel dread coming over me for a day or two before

the next visit. I try to go once a week. I even have intestinal problems the

day of or day before. So far, I keep making myself go visit.

> >

> > I don't know how much longer I can take it.

>