Re: why I need an NT

[Guest guest]

I just joined the list, and this was the first message I selected to

read. I feel a bit crushed by reading it, maybe because I am a bit

upset about the diagnosis of AS or HFA in the first place...

I LOVE email, and love to write to people. And I've read that " email

is not so good " thing many times, or been told it by people I want to

email to who would rather talk on the phone (which I hate) or even

(yikes!) get together in person. I have people I love to communicate

with, and if it is in writing, it is much more meaningful to me. I

have a friend who lives 3 miles away. We used to live long distance,

and so emailed lots of thoughtful letters. When she moved into the

same state and right down the street, with less email access, the

emails petered out and I felt I lost a friend even though I could

have gone over to her house in less than 4 minutes! WAAAH. I am not

very happy today.

I should now introduce myself, huh? I am 45 years old and was

reading about children with HFA and AS and all of a sudden, I

thought " Un-oh.... " This was after several days of thinking very hard

about why it is that I don't really have FRIENDS other than my one

friend mentioned above. So I went to the Wired site and took the AQ

test and came out with a score of 36. Then read lots of sites

regarding HFA and AS symptoms, printed out a bunch of it and took it

to my husband who just nodded and smiled. I was very upset... you

see, I think that if I could just get my nose out of books and

projects, that I could somehow learn to be a " people person " and have

friends. I DO get lonely and observe other people having friends and

wonder how they do it... I had been pondering the mystery of it all

and just happened to find the article on AS while I was working on a

project.

So I told my husband, wailing a bit, " Now I KNOW I will NEVER be

normal! " He is a fine man. He said " Sweetie, you have never been

normal anyway. I love you.. " or something like that. Then this

morning I told him that I do NOT have HFA or AS, and he gently

said " Well, the info is there if you ever need it... " I had printed

all the " characteristics " for him and he said " Yep. It's a lot like

you. Not all of it but a lot of it. "

I know I am now supposed to trot off to someone who has a doctorate

and get myself properly diagnosed, but my real reason for joining the

list is to find RESOURCES.

RESOURCES I NEED:

How does a person at age 46 learn to " socialize " or to make friends,

or to keep them once I've made them (I forget to call them back for

months on end, or get bored, even though I like the person, or say

something socially STUPID and then don't call them because I figure

they think I am stupid....)

It does seem to be something other than social anxiety. But maybe

could be a bit of that. My one friend mentioned above has always said

that of all her friends, I am the one who seems to need people the

least.

But I DO need them, sometimes, I guess, because I really do feel a

sense of loneliness, or maybe just thinking other people have

something I don't so I want it.

Is there a book or online resources that tells one: " If someone says

THIS, then you say THAT. If you meet someone for the first time, they

say THIS and then you say THAT. " And also, " How to keep from putting

your foot in your mouth, how to give and take in a conversation, how

to practice making eye contact (how scary for me!) and how to tell if

anyone even wants to talk to you anyway! "

And sometimes I rock. But not very often. I have a hard time staying

at my desk and so I tried different things to keep myself there and I

found that if I rock I can work for a much longer period of time.

Rhonda

[Guest guest]

Rhoda wrote:

>I just joined the list, and this was the first message I selected to

>read. I feel a bit crushed by reading it....

Why did you feel a bit crushed? Because you don't have social skills

and want them and saw my comments as " proof " that if you are an autie

you never will?

Or for some other reason?

I guess I've gotten over the desire to have social skills (if I ever

had it, which I don't remember). At some point in the past, I was

able to feel lonely sometimes. It must be sad to feel lonely when one

is married and living with one's spouse.

These days, I'm mostly happy on my own, though I sometimes wish I

could do things that I can't do on my own (go places, mostly).

Jane

P.S. One reason I'm not lonely is because I live with a lot of bears,

some of whom may be visited on my web site, http://mjane.zolaweb.com

[Guest guest]

Um, first off I probably owe an apology to everyone, because I

said " Waah, now I will never be normal! " which I guess could be an

insult. Although at many times I am glad I am myself and if that's

not noraml, too bad.

I was not upset by your comments but by the article you quoted,

because most people I know who are NOT aspies/auties (these are

called NTs, right?) think it's a good idea to NOT email, and I really

LIKE it, I think I get more " social contact " by doing it. By social

contact I probably mean sharing IDEAS, which are more interesting to

me than feelings, in a way. And since most people I know are NTs, the

pool of email buddies just got shorter. Or, I guess I could never

have a real " email relationship " with an NT person, even though it

seems to be NT people that I think I want to " be friends " with. And

when I talk with people in social situations I want it to be about

THINGS we are passionately interested in.

I think that since the whole idea is new to me I will have some

trouble getting used to the concept. Although I am 45, I was still

holding out some hope that if I just found the right way to approach

it, I could " fit in " better. (If I would just drop everything I want

to do instead and actually work on the fitting in!) Part of that is

because I grew up in a family where " fitting in " was one of the

highest priorities. Having a mom who always said " What will the

neighbors think!? " does not help if one can't know or even care what

said neighbors think!!!! It made me very self-conscious and still

does.

It's true I can be very lonely even with my husband around. And a

child, too! I think that they both are wonderful, but sometimes I

yearn for some other kind of connections, and am not even sure what

they would be. It might be something I think I " should " do even

though if I look at what I actually DO do, I don't go out of my way

to cement friendships or to even follow up on the overtures people

sometimes make to me.

Also, people have tended to laugh at me at various times in my life,

starting in early school when I daydreamed and couldn't find the

place in the stupid book we were supposed to be reading aloud, etc.

etc. I am just very sensitive about being laughed at. I think that's

maybe not an autie characteristic but comes from the way my family

was.

That's why I want some resources, so I can fit in if I HAVE to, like

at work or a social situation, without feeling like I'm doing the

wrong thing AGAIN. I don't think I want a cure, just a better way of

faking it when I have to!

Bears! I have to go look at your site.

Rhonda