Re: foreclosure

[Guest guest]

It is truly amazing how demanding they are, and enough is never, ever

enough. My father is trying to get my other brother to move here.

Thanks be to go he can't leave the state of Florida because he is

trying to get custody of his child and that is where she is. But my

dad can't conceive we have lives of our own. It's interesting that he

wants us around but he dogs us out terribly behind our backs and we

are sometimes verbal whipping posts for him. I can't imagine what he

says about me because I hear the stuff he says about the others.

It is unreal how the gaping void in them is like a black hole and the

only way sometimes I think they could possibly be happy is if we died.

I don't know why I think that, but it's because they yawning void in

them is *their* unmet needs, and *of course* we cannot meet them,

ever.

[Guest guest]

that is so true, engulf and consume, like pac-man or something. And it

isn't fixable. I sometimes think it's neediness but part of me wonders

if it is just that the person never had anyone set boundaries with

them and they don't know when to stop. I think the origins of this

stuff is fascinating but I probably need to focus more on just

recovering from it instead of trying to figure out why, why, why.

It has been a rough day for me, coming here is like an oasis of sorts

because sometimes it's the only place in the world where things make

sense.

[Guest guest]

i don't know if this is a flea or not, but it's kind of worrying me. i

think the word " void " struck a chord and i don't know if this is on

topic or not, but i figure i'd throw it out there anyway.

i don't feel like i have normal levels of caring for others, like

friendship-wise. it's like, either i care about you or i don't...and

if i care about you, i REALLY CARE A LOT!!! i mean, i practically

adopt people. there doesn't seem to be any middle ground, and i find

myself being standoffish towards people i care about because i can't

bare to let them know just how much i care...it's embarrassing because

i don't want to come off as needy... i don't know if any of this makes

sense, but i think it might be a boundary issue with me. maybe i just

assume the other person would never care about me that much and it

would just hurt too much to deal with it, so i keep it to myself.

???

bink

>

> that is so true, engulf and consume, like pac-man or something. And

it

> isn't fixable. I sometimes think it's neediness but part of me

wonders

> if it is just that the person never had anyone set boundaries with

> them and they don't know when to stop. I think the origins of this

> stuff is fascinating but I probably need to focus more on just

> recovering from it instead of trying to figure out why, why, why.

> It has been a rough day for me, coming here is like an oasis of sorts

> because sometimes it's the only place in the world where things make

> sense.

>

[Guest guest]

It makes perfect sense and it is all about boundaries and how to set them. You

are not alone. Because we all have to deal with people who basically cannot

relate to us on a normal level we go overboard and become hyper-empathic. You

get to the point where you want to mother the world. When you find a person

worthy of your attention, just explain to them in basic terms that you give a

damn and leave it at that.

Re: foreclosure

i don't know if this is a flea or not, but it's kind of worrying me. i

think the word " void " struck a chord and i don't know if this is on

topic or not, but i figure i'd throw it out there anyway.

i don't feel like i have normal levels of caring for others, like

friendship-wise. it's like, either i care about you or i don't...and

if i care about you, i REALLY CARE A LOT!!! i mean, i practically

adopt people. there doesn't seem to be any middle ground, and i find

myself being standoffish towards people i care about because i can't

bare to let them know just how much i care...it's embarrassing because

i don't want to come off as needy... i don't know if any of this makes

sense, but i think it might be a boundary issue with me. maybe i just

assume the other person would never care about me that much and it

would just hurt too much to deal with it, so i keep it to myself.

???

bink

>

> that is so true, engulf and consume, like pac-man or something. And

it

> isn't fixable. I sometimes think it's neediness but part of me

wonders

> if it is just that the person never had anyone set boundaries with

> them and they don't know when to stop.. I think the origins of this

> stuff is fascinating but I probably need to focus more on just

> recovering from it instead of trying to figure out why, why, why.

> It has been a rough day for me, coming here is like an oasis of sorts

> because sometimes it's the only place in the world where things make

> sense.

>

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[Guest guest]

I do not think this is a corny metaphor at all. I love it. Your lightbulb

moment shined on

all of us today!

Carla

>

> I'm just putting this out there because it is on my mind today. We

> are doing teenage years in developmental psychology and the stages

> of finding an identity. There are four identity statuses but the one

> I related with was 'foreclosure', when a person has an identity

> status determined by an adult rather than from personal exploration.

> It really leapt out at me when I read it today, I was

> totally 'foreclosed on' by my parents, before I could develop a

> sense of self they called the note. I wasn't given a chance to

> develop and grow and experiment because of the scapegoating and

> abuse and sometimes psychological torment of their weirdness. I keep

> seeing myself as a house that I was trying to develop (pay the

> mortgage) but I wasn't given the chance and because of that I was

> sold on the cheap (didn't live up to my potential and made choices

> that were much less than I deserved). I didn't mean this to be full

> of corny metaphors but now I have a stable owner (me) and I want to

> renovate this place so it can live up to it's potential. I know it

> sounds silly but that really resonated with me today when I read it,

> it realy is an ominous word that is an apt description of what

> happens when you grow up with a bpd projecting all this bile onto

> you every moment of the day. It also solidifies for me my hypothesis

> of why kids of addicted parents sometimes have much more of a sense

> of self than those that are KO's because there is space and time to

> experiment, etc, when the parent is wacked out half the time.

>

[Guest guest]

This topic resonates with me; my nada forclosed upon my person very early in

my life. By age 3 I remember being condemned for emulating her ... using

her lipstick, trying so hard to be blonde .... the rest of my life has been an

effort to 'not be her'.

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000000001)

[Guest guest]

This is incredibly hard for me to read. Maybe it is because I take on the

problems of the world, but telling your child that you loved the dead baby more

than the live child is sick sick sick. I think some of my problems with my

brother being the " golden child " is that he is actually the replacment child for

a baby my mother lost before she had him. There is a lot of analysis on this.

And it can explain some of what occured after the little one passed and your

mother had other children. But what she said was hurtful. It almost seems as if

she couldn't help herself. You are better off NC. That is just plain wrong to do

that to a child. Either be the parent or don't have children.

Re: Re: foreclosure

The part about

" sometimes I think they could possibly be happy is if we died. "

is so true to me.

My mother spilt people who had died as wonderful and golden and those of us

who were living could never live up to her distorted memories. It was hard

as a little kid, esp after she got pregant when I was 11 and the baby died

prematurely, because she loved the dead child (a boy)bthe most and would

openly tell me so. Actually, it's still hard. 5 years ago when I went NC

with her for good, she sent me a letter that says " I know why you are angry

with me. It is because I loved your brothers more. "

I wasn't angry with her about that, I was angry about her because of

something much less complicated, but the fact that she would respond with

something so hateful is unforgivable to me.

I believe that because I am NC, she has probably, for the first time, split

me as being good. I think she only loves people who are absent or dead. I

don't really care either way, because she is now " past tense " for me.

But, I can relate to your comment that the only way to be loved is to be

dead.

>

> It is truly amazing how demanding they are, and enough is never, ever

> enough. My father is trying to get my other brother to move here.

> Thanks be to go he can't leave the state of Florida because he is

> trying to get custody of his child and that is where she is. But my

> dad can't conceive we have lives of our own. It's interesting that he

> wants us around but he dogs us out terribly behind our backs and we

> are sometimes verbal whipping posts for him. I can't imagine what he

> says about me because I hear the stuff he says about the others.

>

> It is unreal how the gaping void in them is like a black hole and the

> only way sometimes I think they could possibly be happy is if we died.

> I don't know why I think that, but it's because they yawning void in

> them is *their* unmet needs, and *of course* we cannot meet them,

> ever.

>

>

>