I did it!

[Guest guest]

Hi all,

I just wanted to share a victory I had tonight. In spite of going

through withdrawals and feeling depressed and unmotivated I decided

to join a community band in my area in order to play my flute.

Although since I've been on all these psychiatric medications I've

lost my passion for playing the flute, but I long to get this desire

back some day. I remember how much joy and fulfillment I had

playing my flute. I pushed through my feelings and crappy emotions

and physical depression and my tendency to want to withdraw and

hibernate in my room, which I do the majority of the time and go to

band rehearsals tonight. I'm quite rusty with my playing, but

decided to go just to see if I could experience some enjoyment and

help me to get involved in doing things outside of my home, like

socializing (which I hate to do). I just felt like I had to do it

and trust that the enjoyment will come back at some point. Well, I

couldn't play all the music, but I decided to focus on what I could

play with the number one goal of enjoying myself and being sure not

to put so much pressure on myself to play with perfection (I tend to

be a perfectionist with everything I do, so to play and not get

frustrated with what I couldn't do is a really big deal), and just

enjoy playing when I can and be glad I'm out of the house and

meeting new people. I accomplished this goal tonight. I was

welcomed with open arms by the other flute players and one flute

player was glad to have me playing next to her and said I actually

helped her to be able to play. So my spirits were encouraged

tonight. I need a little time to play even admist the withdrawal

and miserable times I'm going through. I did enjoy myself tonight

inspite of my lack of ability to play some of the music. This is a

foreign experience for me, but I learned that having this attitude

really makes a difference. I just hope that my depression doesn't

get in the way of my committment to the community band. I know I

will have to force myself to be at the rehearsals and performances

sometimes. I just hope I can overcome. I've avoided so much

outside activities previously because I was afraid of my depression

and withdrawals standing in the way and keeping me from being

involved in activities. But I had a victory tonight and it actually

feels good. whoa! what a foreign thought and experience for me.