Been Awhile since I posted

[Guest guest]

It has been awhile since I have posted about my Dad fighting LBD. We have

basically just been sitting idle watching this horrible disease take him from us

slowly. He has only a couple of predicted months left to battle this disease and

emotions for us are running very high. We break out in anger and tears VERY

EASILY.

So I will give you all a brief update and please ask that you keep my Dad in his

battle with LBD and my Mom as his caregiver in your thoughts and prayers.

On dad . . .When I visited Dad this past weekend and walked into his room to let

him know I was there, he looked straight at me and a BIG SMILE came onto his

face, of course I melted, but he said no words to me, but that smile was all I

needed from him to know he knew I had kept my promise and came to see him. I

visit him often but it seems like I never can seem to visit enough. I loved on

him and repeatedly told him I loved him, I never got the words back like I have

in the past but I know he heard me as he would look at me off and on. He did not

interact with my granddaughter this time, but I did notice he would snap his

eyes over at her if she got loud, so he knew of her presence, his stares are

more towards the ceiling now instead of wondering a bit like they have done in

the past.

When I am there I always help Mom change his diaper before I leave or if she

needs help changing him, which she does, so I always make it a point to ask her

or say Mom let's change dad while I am here, just when I think this disease

cannot waste my dad away more making him anymore skinny, which each visit I see

a little more body taken from him. He is a rack of bones laying there, the

weight loss is just horrid from his toes up to his skull, Mom says he cannot sit

up much anymore cause his ribs hurt him to, I knew what she meant, his

protruding bones stick him and hurt him, he of course has NO cushion anywhere of

fat or muscle, he also is exhibiting labored breathing and an occasional cough

is let out. Each time I leave I always think, will I get that call before I can

visit again or is this the last time I hug on my Dad and tell him I love him.

When I talked to Mom after I arrived home from our visit, she said she had gone

in and asked Dad if he knew that I was there and that Mom's brother had visited

he said YES when Mom named off each person that was visiting him that day. She

didn't have to ask him or tell me, I knew by that big stare and big smile I got

from him, he knew I had walked into the room addressing him.

These visits are so hard on me, even thou I keep my visits with dad limited as

to not upset him as it works him up badly if he is over stimulated, so I pop in

his room for very brief moments while visiting Mom and Dad. They are killers on

me mentally when I go to bed, I end up having nightmares that Mom is calling me

in the middle of the night telling me Dad has died, screaming. The dreams are so

real that I always jump up and check my Cell to make sure I missed hearing my

phone ring or to make sure it was a dream. Or if my husband's work phone rings

in the night or early in the AM as it did this morning I literally jump out of

my skin in bed thinking OMG this is the call. I stay on edge now in rest at

nights. This prolonged impending death of my Dad is taking a little bit of each

of us each day, each visit, etc. These are my own emotions that I deal with, I

can only begin to tap the emotions Mom has to deal with as his caregiver

stepping out of her bed either in the middle of the night to check on Dad or

when waking to see if he is still with us, giving us one more day to love him

and show him our love.

Mom said Chaplin had a deep talk with her about loosing Dad. Mom told the

Chaplin she was okay with it cause she did not want him to suffer anymore but

that she was also feeling selfish cause she did not want to let go of her

husband/mate of over 30 yrs. Of course that is completely understandable cause I

feel the same way about Dad leaving us, I don't want him to suffer but gosh I

want as much time with him as possible so I told Mom I am selfish too in some

ways. But we both will accept it when the times comes. Nurse said his vitals

were still good but that she told Mom she has warned her and told her to expect

him eventually not taking in any nourishment, meds. etc. and declining. That is

happening now, Dad is refusing to eat much and take his meds. Best we get him to

do now a days is drink Ensure and juice.

Mom called me one late evening to tell me Dad called her into the room just as

plain as day without a stumble in word. Once she got into his room he told her

he needed a kiss, needed a hug and told her he had to go. She asked him where

did he want to go, he did not answer any specific place, he just repeated he had

to go.

I guess this prompted Mom finally, she held dad's hand and told him he could go

anywhere he wanted, that she would hold his hand wherever he was going. That he

was NOT to worry about her, everything was fine, everything was taken care of

and that Me and (my hubby) would care for her and make sure she would be

taken care of at all cost. She told him she loved him and would always be by his

side and would hold his hand to wherever he wanted to go that it was okay to go

where he needed to go. She then told him she loved him. He asked her for a kiss

and told her he loved her too. She said she was scared to leave his side to do

anything and of course is nervous and is watching him like a hawk.

Of course that phone call had both me and her in tears and typing this out is

just tearing me up inside and outside.

So I just thought I would give you all an update, I will be visiting soon again

and I am hoping I might get some awareness from him in our visit so he knows I

am there as I promised to be.

This sure gets harder and harder . . .

Tammy