Re: Did nada pull your hair out?

March 10, 2008

Hi Ishy - glad you are here. I joined only a little over a month ago and this

site has changed my life. This is the first time I have ever been in the

company of people who understand what I went through. You will find complete

support and many opportunities for healing here. Glad you found us.

Tag

Re: Did nada pull your hair out?

Ok. Hello everyone. I joined this group about a week ago and I have

been reading all your emails ( so many...) I will eventually post a

proper introduction but for now I would like to add my 2 cents with

respect to the HAIR PULLING. Along with chasing me with a fly swatter,

belittling me in front of ANYONE and EVERYONE, and throwing inanimate

objects at my head... this was one of her (will not call her mother

and I'm not feeling the Nada thing -- this woman was not nothing to

me, she consumed me) favorite pastimes.

She loved to pull my hair. Did it daily and sometimes twice a day. I

hated it and yet, I had no defense against it. If she was throwing

things, I could duck and cover. If she was chasing me, I could run. If

she was belittling me, I could be sarcastic or try to humiliate her as

well. But when someone is pulling your hair, the only thing you can do

is... go with it. If you try to pull away, it just hurts more. I have

never and will never strike her. I have bottled up so much rage

against this woman that I fear that if I were to ever uncork it, I

would surely kill her.

She would also go crazy brushing and combing my hair. Just ripping at

it. She either could not comprehend how painful this was or she

enjoyed it. My guess would be the latter. (My hair was always long --

my father's mandate.)

I don't remember any ponytails. But instead of elastic headbands, she

would make me wear plastic ones which were always a little small and

they would dig into my temples causing painful headaches. Eventually,

once out of her sight, I would take off the headband and break it.

When I returned home, she would rage. Pull my hair, smack me in the

face, she would even spit on me. Then she would pull out another

torturous headband and slap it on my head -- she must have bought them

by the hundred. This went on for quite awhile, then, at some point she

decided that instead of waiting for me to come home, she would come

outside to find me playing with my friends. She would then produce the

dreaded headband, and say something to the effect of " Looks like you

lost you're headband, Toots " and snap it on my head. It was so

embarrassing. Not just the headband but the Toots -- short for

Tootsie. My friends would laugh and call me Toots. I hated her.

My Father told me last week that he once tried to leave her and take

us kids. She told him that if he left, she would kill his children.

How about that Medea move? He should have left her anyway. She was and

still is a low-functioning BPP. Very intimated by authority figures

and intellectuals. Even fifty years ago, I don't believe she could

have kept her sh!t together in court.

Thank you all for being here.

Ishy

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March 10, 2008

It's bizarre that there are so many of us who share hair stories! I

can still remember my second grade school picture day like it was a

horrific sci-fi thriller.

Nada was raging at the time. She was upset because I looked so

hideous for school pictures. She put me in a red, pin-striped dress

that looked Shirley Temple-like and proceeded to brush (yank) my

disgusting curly hair straight. She yelled at me for fidgeting

(because I was in PAIN) and told me how ugly I was. She said she

would not be embarassed by her daughter. She got out the curling

iron and curled my hair in some nada-esque style do. I hated it! It

was awful. She hit me with that brush a number of times and

threatened a variety of things about chopping my hair off because I

was so irresponsible in taking care of my hair. I WAS FRIGGIN' EIGHT

YEARS OLD! C'mon! Any neglect of my haicare was not mine to carry...

When I was a child she obsessed over my hair being short and curly.

She made me get perms and keep the hair as short as hers. I hated

it! My natural hair is stick straight and now is long and

beautiful. I love being able to make my own choices and defy her

control...

And every flippin' time I see that woman (nada) she says something

about my hair. It's ugly; it's desheveled; it's thin; it's in need

of a cut; it's ragged; it's dirty; and on rare occasion she'll say

something about it looking somewhat acceptable...

I know her issues with hair come from a childhood of abuse, but why

do I have to continue to endure the repetitive conversations

perseverating on hair? Her mother was a narcisstic, alcoholic who

frequently abused her physically and attempted to kill her on a

number of occasions. Her mother was insanely jealous of the love she

(nada) received from her father. The whole triangle is quite morbid

and disgusting.

I used to apply the least amount of effort in my physical appearance

because of nada's accusations and psychotic babble. I tried to look

ugly just to defend myself from her attacks. Now that I'm more

distant from her I find myself dressing and acting like a lady. I

enjoy playing with my hair and pretending to be a princess. I've

even been known to wear pig tails to go for a nice run (I'm 32 so I

don't know how socially appropriate that is, but I like the feeling

of being childish with my hair sometimes).

I don't cringe at the sight of a curling iron (anymore) but I still

have an aversion to hairbrushes. To this day, I still prefer the use

of combs over brushes. They just bring back too many yucky feelings!

Oh, and the whole hair being pulled out...That's another story

altogether. Nada threatened to kill me in 1997 (following the death

of her mother) and she ripped my hair as a means of control

(garnering attention she would later refer to it as). She had

everyone's undivided attention when she had my head in her grasp. It

took three grown me to get her to release grasp of my scalp!

Psycho?!?! Yah! I know... Sometimes I like this site because it

pulls some very old stuff up from the trenches (where I've stored it

for a very long time) but then there are other times when I wonder

what I'll do with this recollection. Do I forgive her and let this

go or do I just put this story and the associated emotions back in

the cage for another time? I've heard some of you say that you're

afraid to let the emotion out for fear that it will consume you...

My sentiments exactly...

on the edge,

dolly

> > > > >

> > > > > I've been reading about hair pulling as a symptom of BPD. I

> don't

> > > > remember

> > > > > nada pulling out her own hair, though I wouldn't doubt it,

> but up

> > > > until the

> > > > > last time I saw her, she would rip my hair out by the roots!

> > > > >

> > > > > When I was a child, I thought that every mother did it as

> part

> > of normal

> > > > > grooming, but as i got older I realized that it was

> unacceptable. It

> > > > made me

> > > > > furious. She would wait until I was relaxed or focused on

> something,

> > > > like

> > > > > reading a book, and then she would grab a single hair and

> rip it out

> > > > by the

> > > > > root.

> > > > >

> > > > > I can't remember a time when she did it when she didn't

have

> an

> > > > audience -

> > > > > either my dad or a family friend in the room. She only did

> one hair

> > > > per day

> > > > > or so, so I never really lost any hair. She would always

> tell me

> > > > after that

> > > > > the hair she ripped out was out of place or sticking

> straight out of

> > > > my head

> > > > > and so she was helping me look better.

> > > > >

> > > > > It really bugged me! I'm curious to know if anyone else had

> this

> > > > experience

> > > > > and if it could be part of the self destructive BPD acting

> in/out.

> > > > >

> > > > > I also remember her burning me with the curling iron an

> awful lot

> > > > when I was

> > > > > 4 or 5. Anyone else have that happen?

> > > > >

March 10, 2008

Geez, seriously, does anyone know what it is with them and hair? I mean how

weird. I have so many bad memories of my mom related to hair, from curling

iron burns to insults. There has to be some neurological connection!?

>

> >

> > Ok. Hello everyone. I joined this group about a week ago and I have

> > been reading all your emails ( so many...) I will eventually post a

> > proper introduction but for now I would like to add my 2 cents with

> > respect to the HAIR PULLING. Along with chasing me with a fly

> swatter,

> > belittling me in front of ANYONE and EVERYONE, and throwing

> inanimate

> > objects at my head... this was one of her (will not call her mother

> > and I'm not feeling the Nada thing -- this woman was not nothing to

> > me, she consumed me) favorite pastimes.

> >

> > She loved to pull my hair. Did it daily and sometimes twice a day. I

> > hated it and yet, I had no defense against it. If she was throwing

> > things, I could duck and cover. If she was chasing me, I could run.

> If

> > she was belittling me, I could be sarcastic or try to humiliate her

> as

> > well. But when someone is pulling your hair, the only thing you can

> do

> > is... go with it. If you try to pull away, it just hurts more. I

> have

> > never and will never strike her. I have bottled up so much rage

> > against this woman that I fear that if I were to ever uncork it, I

> > would surely kill her.

> >

> > She would also go crazy brushing and combing my hair. Just ripping

> at

> > it. She either could not comprehend how painful this was or she

> > enjoyed it. My guess would be the latter. (My hair was always long -

> -

> > my father's mandate.)

> >

> > I don't remember any ponytails. But instead of elastic headbands,

> she

> > would make me wear plastic ones which were always a little small and

> > they would dig into my temples causing painful headaches.

> Eventually,

> > once out of her sight, I would take off the headband and break it.

> > When I returned home, she would rage. Pull my hair, smack me in the

> > face, she would even spit on me. Then she would pull out another

> > torturous headband and slap it on my head -- she must have bought

> them

> > by the hundred. This went on for quite awhile, then, at some point

> she

> > decided that instead of waiting for me to come home, she would come

> > outside to find me playing with my friends. She would then produce

> the

> > dreaded headband, and say something to the effect of " Looks like you

> > lost you're headband, Toots " and snap it on my head. It was so

> > embarrassing. Not just the headband but the Toots -- short for

> > Tootsie. My friends would laugh and call me Toots. I hated her.

> >

> > My Father told me last week that he once tried to leave her and take

> > us kids. She told him that if he left, she would kill his children.

> > How about that Medea move? He should have left her anyway. She was

> and

> > still is a low-functioning BPP. Very intimated by authority figures

> > and intellectuals. Even fifty years ago, I don't believe she could

> > have kept her sh!t together in court.

> >

> > Thank you all for being here.

> >

> > Ishy

> >

>

March 11, 2008

IMO you are on to something here. Hair is a very personal thing and generally

says something about you. I never realized how lucky I was to escape this. My

only hair incident was going to my mom's hair dresser and having them conspire

to give me a hair do I had not asked for. I was so upset that when I got home I

washed my hair to get some of the perm out. I looked like a puff ball. My mother

never tried to style my hair after that.

Re: Did nada pull your hair out?

Here's my thoughts on this one GirlScout,

Hair is a very personal, individual thing, I think. I mean, think

about how much hair means to a cancer patient or how hair references

have been used in literature symbolically. One example that comes to

mind is the woman that dried Jesus' feet with her hair,...very

symbolic. Or even Rapunzel, Lady Godiva or Medusa.. To start with

criticism and insults to a person about physical aspects they have no

control over are very demeaning. It's a personal attack as well as

physical. I also think,...now go with me here for just a second, I'm

speculating, ...hair also has an attraction factor or a sexual

identification about it. Hair is very defining in our personal

identity. Nada ripping at it, attacking it, or painfully tying it

into braids and ponies are all very symbolic ways of destroying,

taming, controlling and binding up our very identities. Add to that

how many sexual hangups nadas seem to have and bingo,...go for the

hair.

Thoughts?

Mercy

>

> Geez, seriously, does anyone know what it is with them and hair? I

mean how

> weird. I have so many bad memories of my mom related to hair, from

curling

> iron burns to insults. There has to be some neurological

connection!?

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March 11, 2008

What a crack up!!!

I got my hair pulled, while she bitched " this is why you need to

brush your hair more " . She had a hairdresser friend who also had 2

girls and they would get drunk and decide to cut our

hair.....freakin forhead eddie's!!!

I also had to wear her bra's, which were always way too small (she

denied my hugmongous boobs that I hated) and totally see through

which had no protection from a cold breeze.....if ya know what I

mean. And if we wanted to use a tampon to go swimming we had to use

her size.....SUPER PLUS, PLUS, PLUS's (which you try only once, and

then left to have a panic attack trying to get it out) (Sorry Guys

if it is TMI).

Thank God for growing up and getting out......I ended up with a

breast reduction, and bra's that don't show your head

lights.......and I can wear the appropriate size tampons as

needed ;0) And hair that I can wear long, short, up or down.

Life is good......drlingirl

> > > >

> > > > What the hell is going on? I can't believe this. I got beaned

> > all the

> > > > time with those little plastic suckers. And the term " snatch

you

> > bald " -

> > > > I'm very familier with that one. My nada found out that one

of

> > my aunts

> > > > used to bash her daughter in the head with the brush when she

> > wouldn't sit

> > > > still and she used to threaten me with it all the time. One

> > time, she

> > > > finally knocked me right on the top of the head with the

brush -

> > strange

> > > > dmeaningless detail - it was a purple Fuller brush brush.

> > > >

> > > > Tag

> >

>

March 13, 2008

Deb,

That was a lightbulb moment for me too. I had a naturopathic doctor

tell me that your body actually 'remembers' everything, not only in

your mind but in different areas of the body as if it just happened,

just like you mentioned. Different 'memories' of past hurts and abuse

can cause different reactions in different people. Sometimes it even

manifests in different types of ailments. For example, I learned that

my food intolerances were in part because of some of the past abuse I

had been carrying around and hadn't dealt with. Sounds unlikely but

once I dealt with the memories and let it go, my food intolerances have

eased up. The human body is an amazing thing.

Mercy

>

> It says that the body can

> not tell whether the stress danger from a memory

> happened 10 years age or today. I am like " wow " ... I

> had no idea.

March 13, 2008

This whole issue is why my teenage boy has long hair! He's got the

most beautiful dark curly shoulder-length hair. I refuse to push him

to cut it,...first off, he's an actor (it was great for Midsummer

Night Dream!) secondly, I refuse to do battle with him over his

hair. He's a good kid, not a discipline problem, doesn't do drugs,

doesn't party, doesn't stay out past curfew,...so he's got long

hair? So what. He'll cut it when he's good and ready.

But the coolest thing is this,...he LETS me brush it! Begs me to

actually! How's that for a turnaround? In your FACE, nada!!

Mercy

> >

> > mercysaidno415 <mercysaidno415@>

> > quote, " Hair is very defining in our personal

> > identity. Nada ripping at it, attacking it, or

> > painfully tying it into braids and ponies are all very

> > symbolic ways of destroying, taming, controlling and

> > binding up our very identities. "

March 13, 2008

I am prone to panic attacks. I went to the emergency room many times in the

middle of the night because I knew I was having a heart attack. I saw doctors

and everyone of them would not name my condition, I had to go on-line and figure

it out by myself. All the symptoms were there. I was fine but my mind could not

process the stress and my body freaked out.

What helps me is that when I recognize that I am getting wound up, I immediately

start breathing exercises: a long breath in to the count of two and a slow

breath out to the count of 4. This slows down the hyperventelation and gets

oxygen to my brain. Then I critically analyze what has happened in the last few

MONTHS that might be putting stress on me. I can usually pick out at least half

a dozen major issues that I have stuffed reacting to. Once I have recognized

what is triggering the attack I can self talk my way out of it using positive

self talk.

Works for me. I haven't had a major attack in a year. Hope this helps.

Re: Re: Did nada pull your hair out?

> > > >

> > > > Geez, seriously, does anyone know what it is

> with

> > > them and hair? I

> > > mean how

> > > > weird. I have so many bad memories of my mom

> > > related to hair, from

> > > curling

> > > > iron burns to insults. There has to be some

> > > neurological

> > > connection!?

> > >

> >

>

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> > >

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>

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March 13, 2008

Hi,

I completely agree about the body remembering everything. That's why some

people wind up crying or laughing when they have a chiropractic adjustment or a

deep tissue massage. I posted a while ago about breaking and dislocating my

elbow at my nada's house. I had an extremely emotional reaction at physical

therapy when they were working on the scar tissue. I felt so embarrassed, but

the physical therapist said they are very used to it and see it every day.