New to list, question about therapy

February 7, 2008

Hello,

As a new member, it is overwhelming to go through some of the previous posts and

realize that I could cut and paste so many of them to create a book which

accurately depicts my relationship with my mother. I'm happy to have found a

community. Thanks to everyone for being brave enough for sharing your stories.

I knew I was in the right place when I saw so many posts about BPD mom's

claiming that their kids have ruined their holidays/Christmas! As per usual, I

had an AWFUL run-in with my mother on Christmas and I even had the presence of

mind NOT to go visit (we live 2,000 miles apart).

Basically, I began a journey of " healing " 9 months ago when I realized my own

sense of self was way out of whack. I'm in graduate school, about to be

married, in my late 20's, etc. so the stress of these " life moments " sort of

created a toxic mix which led to an emotional melt down. It scared the sh* & out

of me because I've always had it very " together " and then my childhood just came

crashing back into me.

Luckily, with the help of a supportive partner, friends, and a good therapist,

I've started what I know will be a long road to healing.

I have a question for those of you who have done therapy. My therapist and I

are doing a lot of what I would call " memory work " and I absolutely hate it. I

feel like I'm entering a shameful, disgusting place in my psyche and I have huge

shame and trust issues about " going there " with my therapist. Plus, usually

after an intense session, I'll have nightmares for the next couple of nights or

feel generally overwhelmed. It is hard not to have this interfere with my

relationship or my school work.

My therapist is great...but I just am just not that straightforward with her...I

don't know why I'm not honest...perhaps I'm protecting my mom or trying to

retain " control " over the abuse. Also, I rarely cry in therapy -- I keep

bottling it all in because a 50 min session just isn't enough to get it all out.

Any tips on how to become more trusting of the healing process (and the healer

-- the therapist) would be great!

In the meantime, I'm trying to be gentle with myself and realize that I deserve

to be happy, have fun, and be free from all of this.

thanks for reading.

-DT

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