Re: Engagement Party - need some advice

[Guest guest]

That's what we did for my sister. (She's 5 years younger than me. So

by the time she got married, the entire family was clued into nada's

insanity.) We were all expecting a huge scene with my nada the day

of her wedding. She pulled all the FOG tactics for months prior to

the wedding so we were all really edgy come the day of. However,

everyone in the wedding party knew to be looking over our shoulders.

We were expecting THE worst. We were all armed with cell phones to

call 911 if we had to. Because of this my sister was truly insulated

from anything nada could have done. Turns out, she showed up

with a boy-toy date that was younger than my sister, played the

silent martyr and sat WAY in the back. She tried to talk with my

sister as she and her husband were leaving down the center aisle

(yes, on the recessional, right after I present to you the new Mr and

Mrs,...the nerve!) but my sister told her she'd talk with her some

other time but not now. So nada left in a huff and didn't attend the

reception. That was it.

We also had to do the same thing at my nada's mother's funeral. But

that's a whole other story.

Bottom line is : the more people you have looking out for you the

better. In my sister's case, nada was facing a huge army of very

protective people. In my case, I got married out of state and I was

NC at the time so it wasn't an issue for me. I never told her, never

invited her to my wedding. That was tough but that was what I chose

to do.

Kindest regards,

Mercy

>

I definitely recommend

> assigning someone else the job of defending against 's mother

on

> that day, so that you can feel free to truly enjoy it.

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

>She blames me that is " cold " and " distant " because he's trying

>to stand up for himself.

I am also a daughter-in-law, and I was told the same thing. Once when

I requested that she stop dropping in unnanounced on Saturday morings

she said, " I've never had a problem getting along with anyone in my

life until I met you. " Then when I was pregnant with my first child

and I told her that when she questioned every thing that I ate, did

and thought I felt like she thought that I was not being a good

mother to my unborn child, her response was: " He (my husband) was

always there for me until he married you. Now it is like I lost my

son. " Huh?

She hasn't changed in 20 years. First she diverts attention from the

issue at hand and she normally accompanies her words with a pout, or

a slowly shaking head, perhaps a single single tear rolling down her

cheek. Raging and cursing is not her style, for some reason, I

sometimes wish it was.

But enough of me venting. . . Until I found this web site I never

encountered so many people who seem to understand what I am talking

about. I have been fortunate that 2 of my three sister-in-laws " get

it " .

I am happy that the two of you are working on this together and that

you aren't buying into her manipulations.

[Guest guest]

That took guts not to invite her, but I'm sure you had a wonderful

wedding day because of it!

-Kyla

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

Dude, you are so asking the wrong group of people how

to establish adult relationships with our parents...

So what I've noticed with my mother (at least what I

noticed last time we had any kind of relationship,

which was almost 5 years ago) was that her memory was

remarkably selective. She would be willing to push

almost everything under the carpet and ignore what had

happened in the past, at least on the surface. Can

you do something small that won't be potentially

dangerous, like go shopping, go for lunch, or go to a

movie? I think that if you sit down and explain the

whole boundaries and your point of view, she will feel

threatened and react poorly. Then if she does act up,

tell her the behavior is not appropriate and if

necessary, leave.

This is my fantasy BPD world, not sure how well it

would work in real life, but that might be how I would

try it.

is

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[Guest guest]

is -- LOL! So true!

Your scenario is a good one, though. That's how I would handle it.

We should call people on their selective memory -- or leave.

-Kyla

[Guest guest]

Kyla,

Well, my nada and I have spent the biggest part of my life NC. I'd

like to think it took guts to not invite her to my wedding but she

had been out of my life for so long that it would have been weird TO

invite her. She never knew I was even engaged. My poor baby sister

was the one who truly struggled with her wedding (sister lived with

nada and nada wanted to control all-things-wedding but sister moved

out and told her no) but by then my family was rallying around her to

protect her. Kinda made me a bit jealous because when nada ran me

out of town everyone believed her, not me. With me being the oldest,

I was the first to catch all her insanity and everyone's advice to me

was,.....yeah, you know it, 'she's your mother, you need to try and

get along.' But, for what it's worth, every one of those people who

used that horrible line came back to me at some point and apologized

for putting me through another round of useless reconciliation

attempts. Once nada's true colors were revealed when I was gone (and

she pulled the same antics with my sister), it became painfully aware

that her trials were not of my doing. Truly, what comes around goes

around.

Kindest regards,

Mercy

>

> That took guts not to invite her, but I'm sure you had a wonderful

> wedding day because of it!

>

> -Kyla

>