Grace - Re: mostly OT whine, vent, pout, cry. (HUGE rant) No need to reply, delete if you want, this is therapy for me.

[Guest guest]

> And Jacquie - most importantly - have you thought about whether adopting a

> child will appease your baby pangs? For me, I know it wouldn't. I would

> have loved to adopt a child, but if I had baby pangs, it would not be

> because I could not have a baby in my life, but more because I " should not "

> <if there is such a thing> give birth to another child of my own. I am

> quite sure that adopting a child would not appease THAT kind of baby pangs

> for me.

It is different from infertility, absolutely. I feel guilty for feeling bad

that I'm not having another, since I CHOSE to not have another, and there's many

people out there who would be GLAD to have *whatever* baby came out of my womb,

since they are unable to have one of their own.

So I mean I *could* have another baby if I wanted, but I won't, and can't, or

feel like I can't, and.......just follow this line of thinking in circles for a

while. That's the only place it goes. In circles.

> It's bad right now, but IF you were to be like me and not have those envy

> feelings and pangs subsided by an adoption, where would you be? Two kids on

> the spectrum and feeling exactly like you are now, yes?

Or worse. Feeling like I did right now I could handle. Feeling WORSE, I could

not handle.

> I would not doubt your ability to raise another child, adopted or birthed.

> But there is a big diffference between the kind of pangs you feel, and the

> kind that a person who is infertile would feel, no?

Yes, there is. A huge difference. Like I said, I'm selectively " unable " to

have another. Very different thing.

>I don't know that I would pick out an

> autistic one at this point <despite my undying urge for 3 on the spectrum

> lol> but it would make sense, I suppose.

I would take an autistic child because that is what I KNOW. I would know what

to expect and not have any false hopes or shattered dreams to deal with - again.

I think knowing from the outset would be much MUCH easier on the emotions. No

wondering if the baby would be NT, no wondering if the baby would be high- low-

or moderate functioning. What you see is what you get, more or less. KNOWING

what to expect from day one would be completely different, I think, from

expecting one thing and getting something entirely different.

For me, autism is not the problem. For me, it's the not KNOWING that is the

problem.

Of course, I'd love to adopt a brand-new baby and take my chances at the great

lottery of life, but they're pretty hard to come by on a budget. :-)

> Besides, it wouldn't help. I gave it months and months of thought last

> year. I do not like cats AT ALL... ok, so I hate cats, but I do love dogs.

> But what I had to think about was - - what place was this new dog supposed

> to fill?

> And then it hit me, a canine companion <or feline> could never fill the hole

> that it was supposed to. Hence, another reason to go spiralling down.

Yup, I kNOW that's why I want another pet. To fill a hole. I was even looking

for Sea Monkeys today, can you believe it? THAT'S how desperate I've become...

Jacquie

[Guest guest]

> It is different from infertility, absolutely. I feel guilty for feeling

bad that I'm not having another, since I CHOSE to not have another, and

there's many people out there who would be GLAD to have *whatever* baby came

out of my womb, since they are unable to have one of their own.

>

Well, no need to feel bad. While it IS different - the desire for a child,

and the eventual inablity to give birth to a child are both present for both

situations. Only, the reasons you are not going to have another one are not

the same, albeit both quite biological.

> So I mean I *could* have another baby if I wanted, but I won't, and can't,

or feel like I can't, and.......just follow this line of thinking in circles

for a while. That's the only place it goes. In circles.

>

Yep.

Trust me that it is not that I want another baby, but - - sometimes,

because I know Shaun wants more, I wonder. The picture is always nice,

initially, and then, within in a few months, things get very - well, much

like my typical Sims household. Not good.

> I would take an autistic child because that is what I KNOW. I would know

what to expect and not have any false hopes or shattered dreams to deal

with - again. I think knowing from the outset would be much MUCH easier on

the emotions. No wondering if the baby would be NT, no wondering if the

baby would be high- low- or moderate functioning. What you see is what you

get, more or less. KNOWING what to expect from day one would be completely

different, I think, from expecting one thing and getting something entirely

different.

>

Yeah - but in however small way, having another autistic child is a part of

the reason you won't have one more of your own, despite being able to. If

were NT and you were most likely going to have another NT kid - - then

the psychosis parts of what you experience due to the pregnancies would be

somewhat less of a deterrent. Yes? No? See my point?

> For me, autism is not the problem. For me, it's the not KNOWING that is

the problem.

>

Well, yes.

But motherhood for you has not been what it was supposed to be, even in your

liberal mind, because of autism. Not because of " not knowing " .

I'm not trying to convince you any which way. Just shootin' the breeze,

that's all.

> Yup, I kNOW that's why I want another pet. To fill a hole. I was even

looking for Sea Monkeys today, can you believe it? THAT'S how desperate

I've become...

>

It's a hole that nobody and nothing can fill, I've decided. For me, anyhow.

It's a hole that the great autistic kids we have now left in our hearts over

the years. Nothing else can fill it, nor would we let them fill it. That

hole is just for these kids.... and bit by bit, THEY can fill it. Nothing

else can.

And surely nothing with fur.

Grace