Helpful Putter? Suggestions needed!

[Guest guest]

Putter, as some of you may recall, has his own religious ed class with his own

volunteer special ed catechist. He follows the regular curriculum and next year

they plan to introduce him into a regular class with his current teacher

functioning as an aide.

Today Ms. s, Putter's catechist, handed me all his materials and gave me

some construction paper circles. I was familiar with those from Lents gone by.

The parent is to write down on the circles some helpful actions by the child and

they put them all up in a huge row (making a giant caterpillar) in the room

where they serve coffee and doughnuts. I accepted the circles, saying, " Oh,

yes, I know about these! "

But while I was driving home, I thought, " Helpful? Putter? " It isn't that

Putter is actively unhelpful; it is just that he lacks enough understanding of

other people to grasp the whole concept of helpful. He is very OCD, so

sometimes he tidies things up in what appears to be a helpful manner but which

is really an obsessive manner. Should I count that? The spirit is definitely

wrong though...

Otherwise perhaps I should count any time he does what he is told? Of course,

he has auditory processing problems so sometimes he doesn't do what I ask

because he is deep in Putter LaLaLand and I do not exist in that delightful

place. Sometimes he does what he is told automatically, because it is part of a

routine, and sometimes he does what he is told because he agrees with it.

I am not sure he EVER does what he is told to please me. The closest perhaps is

that he gives kisses when asked and I don't think he really likes kisses much

for himself. But, really, I think he has just been taught that giving a kiss

when asked is an appropriate way to behave. His eyes are usually gazing

elsewhere with an amused look when he gives the kiss too.

The whole concept of pleasing someone else is a bit beyond him, but I want to

fill out those circles with something suitable for the level that Putter is

actually on. Any ideas?

Salli

[Guest guest]

So as I write the last note, Jacqui actually solves a problem peacefully,

sort of.

We have 2 computers in the office. dh is using one, I am using the other.

Usually, when Jacqui wants to use one, one of us gets to give up our spot so

she can get on. Instead of bugging one of us incessently, she found dh's

Laptop that he uses for work. LOL. Dh didn't let her use that one, but went

and got out our personal laptop...she is happily playing on that now.

I guess it's not hopeless.

Penny :-D

[Guest guest]

Well....I remember Putter helping you wash the floors a while back...doesn't

that count?

I understand your dilemma, Salli. Jacqui's teacher did a week long " Solving

problems peacefully " section. She sent papers home and we were suppose to

write down anytime Jacqui " solved a problem peacefully " . hmph. First of

all, she doesn't get herself into those kinds of problems. So, we were

pretty much out of it right there. I had to dig REALLY deep to find

something to write. I came up with 2. I only remember one of them, and it

was a stretch.

So, again...these exercises that are geared toward the " emotional " side of a

child may go completely undone.

Good Luck.

Penny

[Guest guest]

If what he does helps you in any way, I would write it

down. You can't read his mind or be expected to know

his motives. And writing down the times he listened

to you is good too. Perhaps (wishful thinking) when

he sees his caterpillar growing, he will be impressed

and encouraged to do more.

Tuna

>>>He is very OCD, so sometimes he tidies things up in

what appears to be a helpful manner but which is

really an obsessive manner. Should I count that? The

spirit is definitely wrong though... Otherwise perhaps

I should count any time he does what he is told? Of

course, he has auditory processing problems so

sometimes he doesn't do what I ask because he is deep

in Putter LaLaLand and I do not exist in that

delightful place. Sometimes he does what he is told

automatically, because it is part of a routine, and

sometimes he does what he is told because he agrees

with it. I am not sure he EVER does what he is told to

please me.<<<

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[Guest guest]

I think I would put down whatever he does that is helpful even if it

is not necessarily done to please someone else. The point is that it

is helpful, at least that is the point right now for Putter, and that

these are good sorts of behaviors to have. They why will come later

hopefully, for now it's the doing, and he does do some which

should be recognized.

has finally gotten to the point where sometimes he does want to

be helpful, but only if it is something that he deems is worth being

helpful with and only if it is something that fits with what he wants

to do. Then he becomes very frustrated when his efforts to be

helpful do not work out the way he had intricately planned already.

Sigh. He does succeed sometimes though with small things. It's a

start.

[Guest guest]

> I am not sure he EVER does what he is told to please me. The closest

perhaps is that he gives kisses when asked and I don't think he really likes

kisses much for himself. But, really, I think he has just been taught that

giving a kiss when asked is an appropriate way to behave. His eyes are

usually gazing elsewhere with an amused look when he gives the kiss too.

>

> The whole concept of pleasing someone else is a bit beyond him, but I want

to fill out those circles with something suitable for the level that Putter

is actually on. Any ideas?

I say go with whatever helps YOU. Intention is not always that important

when it comes to helping someone. I could write an e-mail about something,

perhaps about how rewarding autistic children can be, and if it is at a

moment when you needed to hear it most - - I have helped you, in essence,

although my only intention was to get what I felt down on " paper " .

Sure, Putter may not do the things he does JUST to please you, or if at all

to please you, but he does do certain things that end up helping you.

A kiss... well, I can't think of anything more helpful. Granted, not

everyone might want a kiss from Putter - but for YOU, I'm sure it is often

helpful. I know that nothing rejuvenates me more than when my girls run up

and kiss me. <Even if it IS just to get something from me, or manipulate me

into doing something.> There is also no better way to get up in the morning

than to have them jump onto your bed and kiss you. Kisses are worth a 1000

helping hands.

Putter can also write the alphabet. That can be helpful to younger kids who

can't read yet. He can always write out the alphabet for them, and they can

practice learning with what he's written. Long shot, yes. But again, this

is Putter's Helpful Personality - autism style.

Also - his newfound knowledge on..... wildlife, is it...... that can be

helpful. He's like a tiny little walking encyclopaedia about wildlife

animals....? No? ( Yeah, I don't like this one either.

Putter can also teach manners. He seems to always say please when

requesting something. That is good.

Putter can also be helpful in that when you want it - he can leave you alone

and get engulfed in something else, be it Nintendo or drawing, or " c is for

cat " activities. Now THAT is something many NT kids his age cannot do.

These things may not be the same kind of helpful that " helps to wash dishes "

might be, but it IS helpful, and helpful is relative. It's also a person's

style. Some people help by giving huge amounts of money, but can't say a

nice word to save their lives. Others help by taking your child for a day

even if they don't have a cent to offer. And some people help by offering

coffee at the exact right time, and talking with you just when you need it

most. " Help " is relative, and totally dependent on what you need at the

moment. One single person can't be helpful in every single situation, and

thus, I think Putter can be extremely helpful when you need HELP

" Putter-style " .

[Guest guest]

--

Why dont you give him some chores to do at home like clearing the

table, and then give him some type of reward, not necessarily candy,

but, a favorite item or whatever with a lot of praise.This way you

can say this is helpful and teach Putter the actual virtue of being

helpful. It seems to me that most kids at his age are helpful because

they get something for it, like an allowance or whatever. I mean ive

heard that teenagers are no better, least helpful. I would also count

the times he follows directions, because he is being helpful by

complying and in a sense is pleasing you. I know its a difficult

area, does things like wash clothes (even when they dont need

it) but, I think its done more out of imitation (my husband is

obsessed with this), than just wanting to be nice. However, I feel

its a positive behavior (well sometimes, my underwear are still wet)

for the most part. Maybe some of Putter's cleanliness is also the

same thing, and this is a positive part of his autism. You have

probably unwittingly reinforced this behavior because it is positive

and he now may do it because italso pleases you or gets your The

attention. The other thing you could put down is when he clearly

communicates something, I mean his desire to talk is helpful esp if

he is using it to communicate something other than his wants, that is

his way of sharing part of him with you.

Thea

- In parenting_autism@y..., " bunnytiner " <bunnytiner@c...> wrote:

> Putter, as some of you may recall, has his own religious ed class

with his own volunteer special ed catechist. He follows the regular

curriculum and next year they plan to introduce him into a regular

class with his current teacher functioning as an aide.

>

> Today Ms. s, Putter's catechist, handed me all his materials

and gave me some construction paper circles. I was familiar with

those from Lents gone by. The parent is to write down on the circles

some helpful actions by the child and they put them all up in a huge

row (making a giant caterpillar) in the room where they serve coffee

and doughnuts. I accepted the circles, saying, " Oh, yes, I know

about these! "

>

> But while I was driving home, I thought, " Helpful? Putter? " It

isn't that Putter is actively unhelpful; it is just that he lacks

enough understanding of other people to grasp the whole concept of

helpful. He is very OCD, so sometimes he tidies things up in what

appears to be a helpful manner but which is really an obsessive

manner. Should I count that? The spirit is definitely wrong

though...

>

> Otherwise perhaps I should count any time he does what he is told?

Of course, he has auditory processing problems so sometimes he

doesn't do what I ask because he is deep in Putter LaLaLand and I do

not exist in that delightful place. Sometimes he does what he is

told automatically, because it is part of a routine, and sometimes he

does what he is told because he agrees with it.

>

> I am not sure he EVER does what he is told to please me. The

closest perhaps is that he gives kisses when asked and I don't think

he really likes kisses much for himself. But, really, I think he has

just been taught that giving a kiss when asked is an appropriate way

to behave. His eyes are usually gazing elsewhere with an amused look

when he gives the kiss too.

>

> The whole concept of pleasing someone else is a bit beyond him, but

I want to fill out those circles with something suitable for the

level that Putter is actually on. Any ideas?

>

> Salli

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I think it would be appropriate to say that he amuses Robbie from time to

time. That can be helpful to you. I know what you mean about the idea

behind it though. I'm sure Kep doesn't do anything to be helpful either.

He complies, but that is different than actively being helpful. Hmmm. I'll

think some more.

Amy

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