One last message... Vent ~ And then I am done.

December 31, 2004

Hey all... just wanted to ask for prayers. Our car is going down

now and we really need it for to get back and forth to work. I

am feeling pretty miserible right now as it seems like nothing is

going right. Dont get me wrong I have no right to complain. There

are alot of people in worse shape than me right now. At least I

have a home and clothes on my back and am warm and people that me

and such, for which I am thankful for... it just gets depressing

after awhile when every time something gets planned that would be

something nice, it seems to be yanked out from underneath us. I am

too the point I am starting to ask what next and waiting for

anything bad as that is what always seems to fall... even when I try

to get a positive outlook on things.

Am just tired of wanting nice things andworking hard to save up

for it and then something major happens to take it all away. Am

starting to feel like Job in the Bible... well not THAT extensive...

but I get my hopes up for something and we plan and scrimp and

tighten our belts for it and boom doesnt happen because of something

else that HAS too be taken care of as it is a priority.

Just very depressed right now...

Anyway, it looks as if it may be a long while now before the

internet and such get turned back on as our car is more a priority

now. And also unless it doesnt cost too much to fix or as long as

we dont end up having to get another car, not sure where the wedding

thing stands now. Going to take one day at a time with that one.

worse comes to worse we will rent the grounds and get the food and

such and we just go from there. I dont know..

I hate having FM... I cant work, can do anything to help with

these finances and we are always just bobbing underneath the water

gasping for air so to speak. Or in a hole with a ladder that

reaches almost to the top but ends just far enough away that even

standing on the last rung the edge is still just too far away to

grab hold of to pull ourselves up...

Again, I know I have a lot to be thankful for and I am, especially

considering all that is going on right now all over the world... I

feel petty and selfish. But darn it, would like to have one nice

happy memory... instead of lose and frustration and never ending

debt and so on and so on...

For those of you who read this... thank you for listening.

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