Re: Declaring goals publicly not always best idea

[Guest guest]

Complex, you bet!

I think any way you slice it with goals: public, private, tiny steps, little

chunks, realistic, big leaps, there is much more to here worth paying attention

to.

Our new member a got it right when she cautioned recently about giving away

stuff if it's coming from a " should place " , a must place. Yes, and in my

experience even seemingly realistic, small, practical goals don't work all that

well to the degree they come from this place.

I think too it's all more elusive than I had realized.

Noticing lately for example it can get really noisy when I start to even speak

goals.

Even inside my head! Especially inside my head!

So what I'm noticing now is there is a whole chorus that joins in with the: " I

want " .

The moment I am noticing " I want " (x, y, z), there is also:

" oh, yeah, ya think so? Hmm..we'll watch and just see how that goes.. "

and there is

" you go girl...this is your time to shine! "

and there is also

" that's fine, just be careful, make sure the goal is realistic or else you'll

blow it " ...

and then

" oh, sounds like last time when you said you'd do it, here we go again " ..

and so on and so forth.

So very useful to even notice the whole audience in here, sitting with the

longing as I even language up goals. It's distracting enough to start letting

others know what I'm doing. But the noise starts here, inside, with my history.

With respect to verbalizing goals with others..

I'm reminded of a thread we had here a a good while back wherein Steve noted a

time he found it very useful to not verbalize change he was doing (announce to

others) for a period..where he deliberately didn't tell anyone what he was doing

(think it was something about pattern smashing and we were discussing pros and

cons of explaining with others). There was a time he choose to say nothing and

just did the new behavior, didn't explain anything. You might say that in itself

was new behavior, a goal related to being with yourself regardless of

outcome..don't explain and notice what happens as you are doing a new thing and

not apologizing or otherwise trying to explain, have folks understand so they

won't judge or whatever. I remember being very struck by those comments.

I'm sure there are plenty other times he does find it useful to let select

others know. So not to make that a new rule, naturally.

So back to present moment acceptance of whatever is there, whoever is there.

Slow down, back up, stay in your skin and pay attention when you start to get in

touch with the " I want " ...what else is also there? Stay present. What am I

envisioning now? Breathe. Who's there? How old? What does she want? Might I

sit with her kindly some and make room for all her hopes and dreams. Look at

just how lovely she is with her longing.

Until today, I've largely been ignoring the whole chorus that emerges with the

longing itself when goals are made.

As though goals are a separate process you can tease away and " do in isolation "

from defusion, acceptance, values.

I'll be bringing this new chorus awareness in with my new therapist, as she's

big on goals and while it's helpful as a guide, I'm noticing I can get so caught

up with all the lists and the wanting to do good that this and this larger

chorus going on goes un-noticed.

I still really like the whispering to god suggestion. ;-)

kind regards,

terry

> > >

> > > Â

> > > Hi Terry,

> > > Â

> > > I didn't catch the thread you mentioned but the problem with declaring

goals rings true for me. As a part of DBT I was asked to make 3 goals which I

said I would like to meet by the end of DBT classes (6 months).

> > > Â

> > > 1. Maintain/build relationship with my daughter (she left me)

> > > 2. Get a job (I was still unemployed when I'd finished, despite numerous

interviews)

> > > 3. To function autonomously, to finish therapy and continue to move on,

(6 months after DBT I'm still seeing the therapist)

> > > Â

> > > I didn't even make one of my goals. That devastated me and made me feel

totally incompetent as I felt it had nothing to do with a lack of effort, just

everyday skills.

> > > Â

> > > At least I have a job now...one out of three is a start at least.

> > > Â

> > > All the best,

> > > Â

> > > Lou

> > > Â

> > > Â

> > > Â

> > > Â

> > >

> > > From: " theresa.linder@ " <theresa.linder@>

> > > To: ACT_for_the_Public

> > > Sent: Monday, 17 October 2011 5:37 AM

> > > Subject: Declaring goals publicly not always best

idea

> > >

> > >

> > > Â

> > > Anyone catch the thread on the other forum? Some of the problems that

ensue from declaring goals out loud are ones that really resonated!

> > >

> > > kind regards,

> > > Terry

> > >

> >

> >

> >

> >

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> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Lou,

My thoughts about this have changed even since I last commented on this, at

least I think they have. Or grown more nuanced as I sit with this and since I've

made a few recent shifts in my life. I think this is the kind of thing that is

very individual where awareness and honesty and trial and error and holding

lightly with one-self is key. It's a practice of self-expression, and like

anything else better when approached with curiosity and self-kindness.

Some things I notice I'm doing now I hadn't in the past:

I look to see what am I looking for when I speak my goal to another? To feel

less alone? To make the goal more real? To sound like I'm " doing at least

something (to myself, others)? I need to keep that question active. There is

nothing wrong with any of these goals about speaking the goal, but just noticing

the desire is very useful.

As I learn to grow more self-compassionate and embrace more and more

(acceptance), I am getting what an inside job this is and ironically, with that,

it's very nice to share my goals and values with a trusted few, probably because

it's really more okay now if they don't understand, don't get it, say something

that feels judgmental and so forth. I think too that it helps to start the

committed action steps without telling too many people. And another thing I

notice is staying humble when I am talking about my process helps me stay

grounded..like adding in " I have a long way to go, but this feels good so far,

it's a good journey.. " Or joke about what my experience is right now as I'm

telling... " Now that I've said this I'm off sugar, let's go get that piece of

pie! " So I'm more present moment focussed as I speak the goals I guess, and

this helps because that's what they are really, they don't happen out there,

they're happening now, including my thoughts and fears about failing with

them...

And how I tell on myself matters too--am I describing to another from a place of

convincing myself or them, being right...like I'm an object or a commercial? " I

lost 10 pounds in 10 days using this product (and you should too)! " . If I stray

too far from the value that inspired the committed action step (or vs. versa),

and have it be about reasoning, about I figured this out finally..then the whole

telling begins to hollow out...

Also, some are just able to listen better, with less judgment, more interest

than others for a variety of reasons. I make sure to notice that and tell more

to these people more of the time than the other group. No sense making things

more difficult for others or myself.

Anyway, just random thoughts..great question.

> >

> > Anyone catch the thread on the other forum? Some of the problems that ensue

from declaring goals out loud are ones that really resonated!

> >

> > kind regards,

> > Terry

> >

>