Re: Confusssed

[Guest guest]

Hi Kale,

It sounds like the mistrust you speak of began when you were a tiny child. I experienced that, too, my parents having abandoned us five kids when we were toddlers by placing us in various children's homes and foster homes, which were highly abusive themselves. It is only now, looking back, that I see that they did the best they could and it was probably best for us kids to not be brought up by them. They were not capable of being nurturing and trustworthy parents. Fortunately for me, some caring and trustworthy people became involved in my life at various times along the way and now, as an adult, I am able to trust again. It took years, and I can say that because I am old enough to be your grandmother! At 23, I was a mess and I only wish ACT had been available to me then; my life may have unfolded quite differently. I can honestly say, however, that I am in a good place right now and I don't regret any part of my journey.

To answer your question about how to reverse 23 years of mistrust, I would say, first of all, that you can't do that, anymore than you can undo the fact that you were born. But you can learn to trust, just as you learned back then that you couldn't trust. You can give yourself permission to be scared and untrusting, and you can also give yourself permission to trust, a little bit at a time. It could take awhile, so be patient. The goal is progress, not perfection. I'm glad you found ACT, because if you make use of its tools, it could be a huge help to you in the process of learning to trust again.

I would suggest reading some ACT books, if you haven't already. Excellent ones: The Happiness Trap and Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life - you've probably heard of those, if you don't already have them. Read them, practice the exercises. They show you how to use defusion techniques to keep you from buying into untrue thoughts. They show you how to live life according to your values. Your thoughts may tell you that nobody is trustworthy, that nothing is safe. You may have come to believe that, but it is actually not true; logically, you probably recognize that.

If you fear being judged, that's OK. Most people do. Let the judgment happen, feel the fear, and move on in spite of it. In other words, fear does not have to dictate who you will be or what you will or will not do in life. "Don't let fear stop you." When I got the ACT message down, huge changes started to happen in how I perceived myself and the rest of the big scary world, and I learned how to proceed with fear instead of trying to get rid of it. Amazingly, as I learned to do this, the fear lost its power.

When you get a clear sense of your values - the direction you want to take in life that will give it meaning - you will begin to know what you will need to do to get there; you can set goals and take tiny steps toward them. For example, if you value connection with others and the ability to trust, that will become a part of how you live your life. "Knowing your values and taking action toward them" is almost a cliche in ACT, but it is the really powerful part of it - the part that sets it apart from other therapies, IMO.

I hope you find this helpful. Please keep posting; a lot of us can identify with what you are experiencing.

Helena

> >> I act completely different in everyday social settings as opposed to when I'm in the comfort of my "safety zones", which to me is being alone or in a controlled environment. Acting in a social manner would be hard because the thing about acting is I don't know how/what to act like. And when in social situations, I go numb and distract myself with little things going on around me and/or hum the first song that comes to my head and I tend to just hold everything in unless I know it's absolutely safe to proceed with my comments, thoughts, etc. My thoughts are never really clear because I'm so distracted so I'll automatically go to my list of cliches or the most literal interpretation of the subject at hand. In a way, it's cause me to see both sides of things so it's hard for me to side with people , I think I do it out of fear of being judged... I sometimes remind myself to not care what other people think, but not actually feel that way so I never act accordingly.>> In son's stages of development, our first crisis is trust vs mistrust. This particular crisis is something I feel I need to pass. But how the fuck am I suppose to reverse 23 years of mistrust. Mistrust is used extremely vaguely but it kind of sums of my personality. I make myself seem like I'm alright, at peace, content, but on the inside, I'm eating myself up and stopping myself from living life.>> >> >>> >>> > I need to start from the beginning because I don't know how to ask what I>> want to ask. I'm 23 and a student in a small community college (~4500>> students). This girl recently sparked a mental breakdown in the works for>> what seems like a lifetime. Now first off, I'm very shy. I never approach>> strangers unless I'm asking them for the time or directions or something>> like that. I never initiated a friendship. Talking to people is kind of>> uncomfortable, because I noticed I have an irrational fear of saying the>> wrong thing and I start to feel anxious and clam up, then I start to worry>> about how to keep the conversation going or how I can end it without making>> them feel weird, then I start to think that they must think I'm weird...>> that story. So, she started talking to me in class when we got put into a>> discussion group. I sensed she was interested in me, but I thought to myself>> that I'm crazy to think that. We started kind of flirting with each other>> through texts, but every text I sent would be a while before I actually>> responded because I had to calculate every single word. Then when we started>> hanging out outside of class, that where I started to loose it. She is super>> cute, really smart, and really comfortable with herself and that really>> attracted me to her, but I never told her that. When I was around her, I was>> at a constant loss of words. Every time I was around her, it was like I was>> stuck in a mine field. Constantly watching my every action. And in the back>> of my head, I thought "just be yourself." That's when I realized I didn't>> know who I was and it dawned on me that that's why I've never been intimate>> with anyone before. After we hung out, I would play the entire episode back>> in my head, imagining the "i should of did this..." "if i said that instead>> of..." all that bullshit. After a while, she became less flirty and she>> stopped responding as frequently like she used to. I still tried to keep it>> up, but sensed she wasn't into it anymore. Then like a loon, I called her>> one night after she didn't respond to my texts the entire day. I was>> distressed and probably came off crazy but I felt I needed to confess that I>> had a crush on her. She gave me the cliche that she had just gotten out of a>> long relationship. Instinctively, I told her I knew she didn't like me and>> started to go into how I've never been intimate with anyone ever and a bunch>> of shit I can't recall. She suggested I see a therapist, which I ended up>> doing, but I became extremely depressed after that night. I couldn't>> concentrate at all in school. I tried to go back to the class we had>> together, but ended up not going because it was too hard to concentrate, it>> felt like a waste of time, so I just took the F.>> >>> > I started to see a therapist, but even with him it was hard talking with>> him because I have a hard time getting my point across in my head,>> translating my thoughts into comprehensive sentences is a feat in itself.>> And one thing he insisted on me doing was start to take anti-depressants.>> But I told him I didn't want to because it wasn't natural and I'm all about>> natural alternatives. So he suggested I practice defusion and introduced ACT>> to me. I read the happiness trap and started to practice the different>> techniques. I notices that it does help dealing with my troublesome>> thoughts, memories, etc. But I feel like its becoming another one of my>> defense mechanisms. I have no problem using it when I'm alone, but when I'm>> around others, no matter who, my family, friends, strangers, I'll always go>> to my safety zone aka my head. When I realize what I'm doing, I question my>> values and that's where I get stuck. I don't know what I value. I have ideas>> of things I should value, like my health, but I think my motives are out of>> fear. I don't even know what I'm trying to ask anymore...>> >>> > I'm a loner. A closet case. I'm aware that I am a loner, that I have a>> fear of rejection, that I repress most all of my emotions and have been for>> quite some time, I never felt loved, and a plethora of other shit. I don't>> know how to fix them or how to reverse them. I want feel a connection with>> others because I've never felt that before. I'm very disconnect with myself>> and my emotions and don't think I can connect with others. How do you>> connect to others?>> > -->> Darrell G King, RN, CASAC-T>> Rochester, NY, US>> http://darrellking.com>> DarrellGKing@...>>>> -- Darrell G King, RN, CASAC-TRochester, NY, UShttp://darrellking.comDarrellGKing@...