Re: need some advice from my fellow group members:-)

[Guest guest]

Hi ,I wish I could help you more, but for now there's just one question that comes to me:Does this woman believe that she deserves to be punished, having transgressed a religious law?If so, would it be possible for her to defuse a bit from this? Or does she fear that this increases the conflict with her family - and maybe her religion?All the best,Maarten

>> > > hi guys:-)> i hope you don't mind, but i would TRULY APPRECIATE it if i could get some advice from u'll. As i mentioned before, i did a lecture introducing how i use ACT to cope with my own set of challanges, my next lexture is coming up. Nov 12th. It will be twice the no. of people atleast if not more, it will be publicised this week, so i needed some help, advice, guidance, support, from u'll:-) While i willl be simultaneosuly applying ACT on myself, need help with the muslims sisters issues, as i will have to adress them there, and base my second presentation on it. > While i not a professional, simply a sufferer, hence can't give any 'theraputic'advice, these sisters are in a situation where they r so stuck anyways, and seeking profesionaly advice is out of the question for now, for several reason. So even if what i havta offer them is minor relief, enough to keep them going temporarilty, that initself will be A HUUUGE HELP to them!> > sister 1> got divorced 3 yrs back. husband cheated on her. extreme daily verbal abuse, left her while she got pregnant. > had a miscarriage from immense stress & depression. > Comes from very conservative family. Surrounded by a community, some who undiretcly blame her, some try to advice her as to what she could have done better to keep the marriage etc. etc. > Had no one to confide in, asked if she could seeek prof. help. STIGMA,TABOO, hence never happened. > mentally Blocked those 6 months of pain (marriage lasted 6 months) from her life completely. then left for egypt for 4 months to get of of the country. came back , Drowned herself in skoool to keep herself busy. > Problem now everytime stress level incrases (either finals, papers, family reminding her) she goes into depression/anxiety mode. has trouble functioning daily. +marriage took place in oct. so the toughest month for her coz it reminds her of her abusive life with the man, and the distress goes on until spring, so suffering lasts a few months. > confided in me today about not being able to focus on midterms , plus family casually mentions something or the other about the past, but she can't take it. even if it is not something hurtful. has flashbacks of what she has wroked so hard to block. > my advice: (i am gonna try to make it very brief so i don't ramble off:> blocking, distracting or any control stratergy will not work to completely rid that painful memory. we cannot rid a memory, especially one that has had such a neg. impact on ur life> changing your relationship with that memory is what u need to work on. > what u expreinced those 6 months of daily torture was PAIN. what u r expercing now is immense SUFFERING.the great news, while pain not in our control, suffering is. though it is hard to pull apart the 2 in the begining, yet it is possible.how to change relationship: > when u feel the pain from the memory popping up, show some compassion> and kindness towards urself, truth is, it was a horribly painful> expereince. hence accept that it causes pain. i asked her what does it say about her when the memory pops up, she said she getz upset at herself & critizes herslef (so judgement right there)if this month is hard on u, then accept that it is. don't have same academic expections and results here, as u would on the other months. u don't get an A, no biggie, adding extra stress over stress won't help. > can u still do what it is u need to do with the memories being there? only to the best of ur capacity. > my question, HOW THOUGH?> u know i completely forgot what else i told her, we had a 20 min chat, then another sister came , and she had another very traumatic expereince, so i got busy with her. > > my question, she has not fully dealt with that pain from her expreince then. HOW should she accept it now after 4 yrs? relatives r constatly reminding her of the past, how to deal with that and function normally?shoot..i do apologize for my lenght of this email...any advice or input would be greatly appreciated and i do hope me posting these questions doesn't offend anyone. > wasalaam:-)> > > -K Designs.>

[Guest guest]

hi marteenthanks for your reply. no actually she is a very religious girl, and does not have her religion confused with culture, so she knows that according to the religion she has NOT transgresed any law at all. And the community here knows that too. Her family on the otherhand r very cultural, and sticking around in a marriage to somehow make it work coz divorce is such a 'bad' thing according to them, is where the problem lies, hence she is constantly reminded of what she could have done better. Also in her culture, once divorced, women r unable to get married easily. so the fear of staying a unmarried for the rest of her life is there too, as.-K Designs.

[Guest guest]

Oww... So her family is, at least in

part with the intention of « helping » her, rubbing it in

constantly - and so interfering with her capacity to defuse and

accept ? It's so hard to heal from trauma when one is so often

blamed for those events having happened !

I wonder, though : is there a way

for her to both validate the family's intention to help her – and

the rest of the family - the best they know how, and... sharing with them

what responses abou what happened to her would be more helpful for

her - and for the honor of the family ?

Difficult, I know ; but

impossible ?

All the best,

Maarten

>> > hi marteen> thanks for your reply. no actually she is a very religious girl, and does not have her religion confused with culture, so she knows that according to the religion she has NOT transgresed any law at all. And the community here knows that too. > Her family on the otherhand r very cultural, and sticking around in a marriage to somehow make it work coz divorce is such a 'bad' thing according to them, is where the problem lies, hence she is constantly reminded of what she could have done better. Also in her culture, once divorced, women r unable to get married easily. so the fear of staying a unmarried for the rest of her life is there too, as.> > -K Designs.>