RE: ***Update on me- a few bad words***/ka(bad language also)

[Guest guest]

(((((((((((((ka))))))))))))) Boy, do I relate to how your feeling. And here

is a hug from me to you. I have just about had it with me being ill too and on

top of that my marriage is falling apart and as usual, everything is my fault!!!

If it was not for the fact that I had Katherina I would be so out of here. I

just can not take anymore. I am so sick of my husband thinking he is my

freaking personal doctor and he knows more than the doctors that are treating

me. I just wish for one damn time he would just shut the hell up and listen to

what others have to say. He is so damn perfect and I am just so damn sick and

tired of it. Sure I state my opinion, he states his, but his is always right

and I am wrong. I swear I hate this. This makes my fourth marriage, and I try

to make things work, but dammitt, I am sick of trying to argue my case with him.

I am sick and damn tired of always being around his family. Yes, we all live in

the same house but have different apartments, but still, I am just sick of

dealing with them. ka, there have been plenty of times I have come home

crying from a doctors office because he just does not get it and wants to argue

with the doctors and I have refused to see anymore doctors and just freaking

jump off the bridge. Seriously. I have had it. All this is stressful and I

have to deal with him and his family, plus Katherina, plus the fact that my

three kids from the states hardly call or write to me. I just feel like

everything is my fault and I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. And these

people that sit here and say well, you should not talk about suicide, well, I am

sorry, but why don't you put yourself in our shoes for a while and then maybe

you will think twice. And for those people that say we are trying to make

others feel guilty or bring them down, well, I say I am not doing that. We

should be able to talk about how we feel to others and not feel guilty just

because we do. And for those people that say we need help, well, I have this to

say, I am way past the point of needing help. I do not want anyone sympathy, I

just want someone to listen to me and hear what I am saying. Hell, you do not

have to agree with me, just listen. And for those people that say that they do

not think about suicide once in awhile, well, that is all fine and dandy, but

just do not jump down my throat if I happen to mention it. I am not going to go

through with it, but at the time and heck that is just about all the time, I

would like too and just to get it off my chest seems to make me feel better,

just to let someone know just how bad off I am. I know that I probably

shouldn't say it or think it, but I do and for those people that don't think it

or say it, well, I say you are only lying to yourself and to others if you do

not say it. I am sick and tired of hiding how I feel. I have done it for years

and it is about damn time I said how I feel and if it hurts others oh well. I

can not help how I feel and for me to be stepping on toes just because I might

hurt others is lying to myself and to those around me and I will not do it

anymore. If what I say hurts you or offends you, tell me. Just do not sit

there and pout and then close yourself off to me and distance yourself from me.

That hurts more than anything. Yeah, I know I probably should not have said

what I said or how I feel, but that is how I feel and I can not help how I feel

and I am sick and darn tired of trying to change into what others expect or want

me to be just to satisfy them. I am me and I am not changing for nobody.

Either accept it or leave me the heck alone!!! KWIM?? Anway, ka, I know

how you feel and I am on antidepressants and have just now started seeing a

psychotherapist and all I can say is that the only thing that this

antidepressant is doing is helping me sleep better. It is not helping me feel

any damn better. I honestly do not think and this is my opinion that nobody can

make me feel better but my own self and right now I am so guilt ridden and sick

that I can not even stop myself from crying as I write this. Just know that I

do care, heck maybe that is my problem I care too damn much. And also know that

there are others that feel just like you, whether or not they talk about it or

not or think about it or not. I will close now, I think I am repeating myself

and not making any sense, but I wanted you to know that I know how you feel and

am there myself.

hugs,

Lianne

--

Life is just one big roller coaster ride.  Full of loops and bumps along the

way, so, make the best of it that you can.

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[Guest guest]

Lianne and Errika I am with both of you.. Lianne. as I was reading your post.. I started crying b/c your words hit home for me.. I have the same feeling's you all do, I am tired of trying to smile and let people think I am fine..when I am not. I want people to listen to me. not judge me.. It get's pretty frustrating.. I just wanted to let you both know.. I care for both of you and I for one do understand..and I too have been where you are and still am there.. (((((((Lianne & Errika))))))) Gentle Caring Hug's Marie Marie A. Roomsburg P.O. Box 346 Ava, IL. 62907 E-mail marieava@... or marieava62907@... Messanger. aol. marieava. yahoo. marieava62907