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i lost my job on friday. i was let go.....

its okay. i dont know what im going to do now though?

i went out with that girl last night. i think its finally over. i

said should i call you and she looked at me funny. then i left.

it was a weird experience. and let me know that i probably shouldnt

hang out with girls i like. i forgot that ever since my first prozac

use. my emotions esp. with girls i like would go all over the

place. one minute i was like this girl is great, then a few minutes

later i was like im not interested at all. my emotions while not

extremely apparent were def. noticable. i didnt have this problem

before the drugs. this caused so much pain and frustration in my

relationship with my girlfriend in college. and eventually led to

the end of it. i wish me and that girl could just be friends now.

but, she is a very independent person and probably just wants to let

it go now.

i also came off needy again because she makes me feel good. she has

been abroad a couple times and really represents those cultures here,

which is something im looking for. so i cling too much. but, she

reminded me of what i liked when i was over there. and hopefully, i

can hang on to that. i did listen too catherine and didnt force it

as much as i could. its what i do in response to my emotions going

all over the place. and now i know that so i learned a lot.

also, a weird thing has been happening the past couple of days. i

will just be sitting or walking somewhere. and boom, my vision will

go for a couple of seconds and i will get really dizzy and sick to my

stomach. then for the rest of the day. my brain wont really work.

i'll be out of it like i was at the beginning of withdrawl. i will

also get fatigued and my coordination will be off. it has happened

the past two days. and i think this happened before drugs. but, it

just seems more severe now.

oh and i have complained that my face doesnt look the same as it did

before drugs. and i thought it was the stress i have been under.

but, i remember that it looked the same the first few months after

paxil withdrawl. and then changed suddenly. and it changed after i

had trouble sleeping and didnt need as nearly as much sleep. now, my

face is coming back a bit. and it is happening as im starting to be

able to sleep earlier and need more sleep. and its not happening

just because im getting more sleep because thats not necessarily the

case. its the brain changes. i still have a long way to go with

it. but, hopefully it will come mostly back. im not someone that

cares a great deal about looks, money, etc... most of the people know

that that have talked to me for a while now. but, people used to

really like my look and it felt good to have that energy around me.

jason