You all saved my New Year's Eve

[Guest guest]

Hello all,

I, like several others on this board including tressa717 and Blonde

Fishy, am new to this discussion board. I am also new to the idea that

my mother has BPD, although 'discovering' this fact has felt like

coming out of a long and intense fog. Like Tressa, my mother is a high

functioning BP, although in reviewing her past relationships it is

obvious to me now that she has 'painted' people one way or another,

and alienated the people she needed the most because of this

personality disorder.

Anyway, I recently joined this support group and I can't believe what

an impact it has made - especially tonight. I often struggle with

myself and my own tendencies that reflect my mother (fleas, i guess),

and tonight it was especially bad. I was sitting upstairs about to cry

because I just felt so devastated and terrified that I was acting like

my mom - not acting out or anything, just feeling incredibly lonely

and isolated and like everyone else was against me or something, which

was totally not true. Then I was like, oh my god, what if this just

gets worse over time and i wind up just like her??? I should tell my

boyfriend to get out now! Save yourself, I would tell him - SAVE

YOURSELF! But then I signed onto here and I heard the exact same

sentiment, by Grace:

" Yes - just tonight I was thinking to myself how I hope I never become

like her. I am terrified of somehow turning into her, or the kind of

mom she was. "

It was amazing how just knowing that there was someone else who felt

this way, who had this fear, made me feel better - literally

instantly. But wait, more was to come. Then there were wonderful words

of wisdom, like this:

" Let's all be aware that within each KO, there is the heart of hearts,

that knows itself. It may have been buried very deeply, to be

protected. But it is there, it lives, and it is what keeps us

going even in our saddest moments. It is what takes us to the

self-help section of the book store, has us surfing on the web until

we found this site, observes and analyzes others to find the answer to

our situation. It has been bruised terribly, but it is still the

lifeforce that sustains us. " (By Sylvia)

So not only did I know I was not alone, I was confirmed in thinking

that there IS hope, that I AM on the right path to becoming a healthy

individual, and that I can be an exterminator and rid myself of fleas

- I am strong and am only getting stronger. Then (bonus!) there was

the helpful thread on whether BPs ever get therapy, including

Wisteria's fascinating post:

" She told her doc he could talk to me once because she just knew he'd

tell me what a bitch of a daughter I was, but instead he said " Your

mother has a problem. She's always going to have a problem. It can't

be fixed and it isn't your fault. Whatever you do, don't let her make

you feel guilty, because it's one of the things she does best. " "

And I could definitely see my mother listing all of my 'faults' to a

therapist, sure that they'd agree with her. Again, I just can't

believe how much I relate to stuff on here.

Anyway, I have more to say but for now I just wanted to say a HUGE

thank you to all of you for saving my New Year's. I was literally

upstairs about to start bawling, and I came back downstairs to join

the party. I forgave my sister for being bitchy (which I had no

problem doing all of a sudden, whereas before it had been this big

*thing* and I was like oh my god! i'm not 'catching' BPD, am i???),

and had a really fun, stress-free, happy night. That is in large part

due to all of you, so you should ALL be proud of yourselves. I toast

and salute you, fellow KOs! HAPPY 2008!!!

Love