Re: insecurities and fear- raising you to be independent

[Guest guest]

This sounds exactly like something my nada would have done to me. I

am really not sure if it was because I was a child and somehow she

doesn't think children can have feelings, or if it was because she can

only acknowledge her own feelings.

When I was in about the 5th grade, I was put into the school spelling

bee because of my good grades. I came home with a list of words to

study and asked her to help me, to quiz me. She refused (she was a

teacher BTW). So I tried to study by myself, with no tape recorder,

as best I could.

Later, I came to her and asked her to challenge me; I was confident I

knew the words. (Of course, it is nearly impossible to study spelling

words with no help from a person or audio device) I missed the first

couple and she laughed heartily at me, so I left the room crying.

-Deanna

>

> Last night my 3 year old got up scared because he heard the

> fireworks all around our house. My husband and I put him back in bed

> and my husband looked right into my 3 year old's eyes and said, " No

> matter what I will never let anything happen to you. I will protect

> you! " He said it in a way that was extremely moving. My 3 year old

> nodded his head and said okay. When I thought of this experience

> this morning I couldn't recall my father ever saying anything I like

> this to me. He was gone a lot. In fact I can't remember my father

> ever tucking me into bed. I remember once when I was scared to go to

> sleep because I didn't tell my mother I got in trouble at school

> (first grade). My conscience was so thick I had to get up, walk down

> the hall into the living room where she was laying on the couch. I

> was crying and she asked me what was wrong. I told her I got in

> trouble at school for talking and I couldn't go to sleep because I

> didn't tell her earlier that day. My mother laughed at me. I

> remember being very confused about her response. Here I was a scared

> little 6 year old girl fretting over not being able to go to sleep

> because I didn't fully confess everything to her about my day at

> school and when I finally had the courage to do it she laughed at me

> and basically told me how I was a little too sensitive. I cannot

> remember her hugging me, telling me it was alright (at least in a

> way I believed). I do remember walking down the long hall crying by

> myself and putting myself back into bed. She braggs about how she

> raised her daughters to be independent. I guess when a 6 year old

> cries herself back to sleep because her mother failed to help her in

> her distress this creates independence in her eyes. Has anyone had a

> similar experience or memory?

>

> Kelley

>

[Guest guest]

The most disturbing memory I have about this actually concerns my

brother, who is two years older than me. I remember when he was

about 6 or 7, and he was desparately crying about something, trying

to get nada's reassurance. She took out a black Sharpie and started

drawing on his face, saying " Look at the sad clown " and laughing at

him. I remember feeling really bothered about this, and wanting to

give my brother a hug myself, but knowing I'd get in trouble if I

did. What kind of sick person mocks their child when s/he is crying?

>

> Last night my 3 year old got up scared because he heard the

> fireworks all around our house. My husband and I put him back in

bed

> and my husband looked right into my 3 year old's eyes and

said, " No

> matter what I will never let anything happen to you. I will

protect

> you! " He said it in a way that was extremely moving. My 3 year old

> nodded his head and said okay. When I thought of this experience

> this morning I couldn't recall my father ever saying anything I

like

> this to me. He was gone a lot. In fact I can't remember my father

> ever tucking me into bed. I remember once when I was scared to go

to

> sleep because I didn't tell my mother I got in trouble at school

> (first grade). My conscience was so thick I had to get up, walk

down

> the hall into the living room where she was laying on the couch. I

> was crying and she asked me what was wrong. I told her I got in

> trouble at school for talking and I couldn't go to sleep because I

> didn't tell her earlier that day. My mother laughed at me. I

> remember being very confused about her response. Here I was a

scared

> little 6 year old girl fretting over not being able to go to sleep

> because I didn't fully confess everything to her about my day at

> school and when I finally had the courage to do it she laughed at

me

> and basically told me how I was a little too sensitive. I cannot

> remember her hugging me, telling me it was alright (at least in a

> way I believed). I do remember walking down the long hall crying

by

> myself and putting myself back into bed. She braggs about how she

> raised her daughters to be independent. I guess when a 6 year old

> cries herself back to sleep because her mother failed to help her

in

> her distress this creates independence in her eyes. Has anyone had

a

> similar experience or memory?

>

> Kelley

>

[Guest guest]

I remember getting into fights with my nada all the time starting

from when i was very young. the fights would be over something

pointless and then escalate into screaming. she would storm into her

room and lock the door and i would go to my room crying. although i

don't remember the exact circumstances, i remember dozens of nights

when i cried myself to sleep, sometimes praying that she would come

back in and make me feel better. but usually she never did. so i

would cry until i wore myself out and fell asleep. i used to think it

was normal and that i was just being bad so i didn't deserve

attention, but now i see any good parent should calm their child and

make them feel better. but i felt like it was my fault she was mad so

i had to make things right

>

> Last night my 3 year old got up scared because he heard the

> fireworks all around our house. My husband and I put him back in

bed

> and my husband looked right into my 3 year old's eyes and said, " No

> matter what I will never let anything happen to you. I will protect

> you! " He said it in a way that was extremely moving. My 3 year old

> nodded his head and said okay. When I thought of this experience

> this morning I couldn't recall my father ever saying anything I

like

> this to me. He was gone a lot. In fact I can't remember my father

> ever tucking me into bed. I remember once when I was scared to go

to

> sleep because I didn't tell my mother I got in trouble at school

> (first grade). My conscience was so thick I had to get up, walk

down

> the hall into the living room where she was laying on the couch. I

> was crying and she asked me what was wrong. I told her I got in

> trouble at school for talking and I couldn't go to sleep because I

> didn't tell her earlier that day. My mother laughed at me. I

> remember being very confused about her response. Here I was a

scared

> little 6 year old girl fretting over not being able to go to sleep

> because I didn't fully confess everything to her about my day at

> school and when I finally had the courage to do it she laughed at

me

> and basically told me how I was a little too sensitive. I cannot

> remember her hugging me, telling me it was alright (at least in a

> way I believed). I do remember walking down the long hall crying by

> myself and putting myself back into bed. She braggs about how she

> raised her daughters to be independent. I guess when a 6 year old

> cries herself back to sleep because her mother failed to help her

in

> her distress this creates independence in her eyes. Has anyone had

a

> similar experience or memory?

>

> Kelley

>

[Guest guest]

it's funny you use the word " cruelty " . Thats a word i heard a lot

from my nada. i remember she would burst into tears all the time and

finally by the time i was a teenager i would be so disgusted by her

episodes that i wouldn't go hug her and make her feel better. She

would always call me cruel for being so insensitive to her feelings

> > > > >

> > > > > Last night my 3 year old got up scared because he heard the

> > > > > fireworks all around our house. My husband and I put him

back

> > in

> > > > bed

> > > > > and my husband looked right into my 3 year old's eyes and

> > > > said, " No

> > > > > matter what I will never let anything happen to you. I will

> > > > protect

> > > > > you! " He said it in a way that was extremely moving. My 3

year

> > old

> > > > > nodded his head and said okay. When I thought of this

> > experience

> > > > > this morning I couldn't recall my father ever saying

anything

> > I

> > > > like

> > > > > this to me. He was gone a lot. In fact I can't remember my

> > father

> > > > > ever tucking me into bed. I remember once when I was scared

to

> > go

> > > > to

> > > > > sleep because I didn't tell my mother I got in trouble at

> > school

> > > > > (first grade). My conscience was so thick I had to get up,

> > walk

> > > > down

> > > > > the hall into the living room where she was laying on the

> > couch. I

> > > > > was crying and she asked me what was wrong. I told her I

got

> > in

> > > > > trouble at school for talking and I couldn't go to sleep

> > because I

> > > > > didn't tell her earlier that day. My mother laughed at me.

I

> > > > > remember being very confused about her response. Here I was

a

> > > > scared

> > > > > little 6 year old girl fretting over not being able to go

to

> > sleep

> > > > > because I didn't fully confess everything to her about my

day

> > at

> > > > > school and when I finally had the courage to do it she

laughed

> > at

> > > > me

> > > > > and basically told me how I was a little too sensitive. I

> > cannot

> > > > > remember her hugging me, telling me it was alright (at

least

> > in a

> > > > > way I believed). I do remember walking down the long hall

> > crying

> > > > by

> > > > > myself and putting myself back into bed. She braggs about

how

> > she

> > > > > raised her daughters to be independent. I guess when a 6

year

> > old

> > > > > cries herself back to sleep because her mother failed to

help

> > her

> > > > in

> > > > > her distress this creates independence in her eyes. Has

anyone

> > had

> > > > a

> > > > > similar experience or memory?

> > > > >

> > > > > Kelley

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Dear c_mh13,

I can relate to what you just wrote. I went through the same thing.

When there was a fight, my NADA would always lock herself in her

room....her withdrawal from me was her way of punishing me until i

was brave enough to knock on her door and beg for forgiveness.

I would cry in my bed....wishing and praying that i had someone to

soothe me and take my trouble away. when mom was mad i wasn't allowed

to use the phone, because she knew i loved my best friend and she

made me feel better.

the terror i would feel when she would go away into her room out of

anger was indescribable. I can't forget that feeling of hopelessness,

and " what's going to happen now " ? it was agonizing.

That feeling remained with me until almost 2 months ago when i

finally decided to go NC and control my own feelings.

Thanks for making that post, it reminded me of things i needed to

remember.....even though they were bad memories...sometimes i feel

guilty for " leaving " my mother and i need to be reminded why i did it

in the first place.

hang in there.

~Sara Jo

> >

> > Last night my 3 year old got up scared because he heard the

> > fireworks all around our house. My husband and I put him back in

> bed

> > and my husband looked right into my 3 year old's eyes and

said, " No

> > matter what I will never let anything happen to you. I will

protect

> > you! " He said it in a way that was extremely moving. My 3 year

old

> > nodded his head and said okay. When I thought of this experience

> > this morning I couldn't recall my father ever saying anything I

> like

> > this to me. He was gone a lot. In fact I can't remember my father

> > ever tucking me into bed. I remember once when I was scared to go

> to

> > sleep because I didn't tell my mother I got in trouble at school

> > (first grade). My conscience was so thick I had to get up, walk

> down

> > the hall into the living room where she was laying on the couch.

I

> > was crying and she asked me what was wrong. I told her I got in

> > trouble at school for talking and I couldn't go to sleep because

I

> > didn't tell her earlier that day. My mother laughed at me. I

> > remember being very confused about her response. Here I was a

> scared

> > little 6 year old girl fretting over not being able to go to

sleep

> > because I didn't fully confess everything to her about my day at

> > school and when I finally had the courage to do it she laughed at

> me

> > and basically told me how I was a little too sensitive. I cannot

> > remember her hugging me, telling me it was alright (at least in a

> > way I believed). I do remember walking down the long hall crying

by

> > myself and putting myself back into bed. She braggs about how she

> > raised her daughters to be independent. I guess when a 6 year old

> > cries herself back to sleep because her mother failed to help her

> in

> > her distress this creates independence in her eyes. Has anyone

had

> a

> > similar experience or memory?

> >

> > Kelley

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Wow, this post brought up two very old memories up for me

1. When I was little and would have a nightmare I would go to my dad. He would

scooch

over and let me lay next to him in bed until I felt better and then I would go

back to my room

the next morning my mom would yell at me for waking up my dad who had to get up

and go

to work early.

Still to no fail I would go to him the next time. I used to say it was b/c he

was closer to the

door, but I wonder if it was because he was the one who would' t turn me away,

like I am

sure she would have.

2. After my dad died and she would fight with me and my brother she would tell

us she

wished she was the one that died and wished she was dead and then she would take

off in

the car and be gone for hours. Leaving my brother and I scared to death that

she wouldn't

return because she drove off the road.

Guess I will have a good therapy session next week.

L

[Guest guest]

Me, too ! Even today, I have to fight the urge to roll my eyes when

she starts her chin-quivering, boo-hooing. I'm immune to it now.