Re: Sacrilegious thoughts

January 1, 2008

> I'm also trying not to feel guilty about what I consider to be

somewhat sacreligious thoughts--lately I've found myself wishing she

just wasn't around any more. [...] I keep thinking her demise might be

the only solution. My therapists says thoughts like this are normal

in this sort of circumstance but I still feel guilty for having

them--any thoughts on this (for those of you patient enough to have

read this far)?

>

I think these kinds of thoughts have the potential to be quite the

opposite of sacreligious. When I was 12, I was asked not to come back

to sunday school because my questions were " confusing the other children. "

That's when I started to figure out that the southern baptist way of

life wasn't for me. (just me, it could be right for other folks)

That began a quest to find something the fit me better, and it's

evolved into a non-structured Taoist agnostic type thing. One of the

things I do believe is that the physical principle that energy can be

neither created nor destroyed applies to people energy as well, i.e.

reincarnation. (I'm getting to my point, I promise) Even if you don't

believe in the recycling of souls, there might be some sort of

afterlife thing. I believe that we're here to do stuff, learn stuff,

and maybe even figure a thing or two out.

I honestly feel like my mom is broken. She had an horrific childhood

that very likely caused or contributed to her BPD, she spends her

whole life in fear, she can't hold a job, can't keep friends, lovers

or family around her. She's afloat at the moment because she's dating

the rich widower of her last client (long story) but will inevitably

drive him away too. I don't wish her dead, per se. but I do feel like

she would be more at peace. She's not going to be 'fixed' in this

lifetime, and perhaps there's still a learning experience in it for

us, but of the purpose of life is to love and learn, and you can do

none of those, it's not bad to wish that she gets a " do over. " There's

more to life than just using oxygen.

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