Re: Accustomed to projection

January 1, 2008

Ooh! Ooh! Me, too! Me. too! (hand waving in air)

I hear it as a criticism of something I didn't do when I should

have. There are a lot of " shoulds " in my brain. I was raised on

pronouncements from my mother about what needed to be done, but

always vague enough that no one really knew who she was expecting to

do these things. This, as it happens, has left me feeling axious

whenever a " we need " is mentioned.

My mother always does the " Would SOMEBODY take out this disgusting

trash?!? " like she's asked a million times and no one has listened.

And if the wrong person jumps up to do it, she'll tell them that she

didn't mean them, and then shout across the room to the person she

wanted to do it (Dad).

It's like we all had our assigned jobs to make her life easy, and

there is no switching. If I, as an adult, visit, when she

says, " Will SOMEBODY set that table? Dinner's almost ready! " then

that is one I am " allowed " to respond to, the trash is not. She has

it all figured out in her mind.

I now ignore all of that, and if she makes a deal of me not asking

how high when she says " jump, " I casually tell her I didn't hear her

say my name and leave the room to do something else. Usually

the " something else " is rolling my eyes at my husband, who is waiting

for me with a smirk and a hug.

Every now and then my husband will answer one of the SOMEBODY calls,

and that is always fun. Since he's not a blood relative, she never

even thinks of him as in the room, let alone someone who could take

out the trash if asked. It almost seems to shame her - and

definitely shuts her up - if he steps in and does something to help

instead of my dad or I. I don't think her brain knows how to process

the idea of a " non-relative " being helpful and kind. It's fun to

watch her head explode when he does something nice or helpful.

Of course this leaves him wide open for a criticism, about his

haircut or his goatee (she can't stand facial hair), his job, his

PARENTS - whoa, what a minefield the INLAWS are! Especially when

they do things like NOT drive 8 hours to stand guard near us while my

parents go on vacaton. It's like she thinks we need an emergency

babysitting crew on call 24 hours when they leave town, and she gets

so upset when my hubby says they can't leave work for a week while my

parents go on vacation! But I digress...

>

> Happy New Year everyone! I had a very wierd experience this

morning.

> I awoke with one very lucid thought in my mind. My husband will

> occasionally say things like " The house is a mess " (which is

usually

> true) or " We should take the kids to get their hair cut soon. "

Both

> non-accusatory statements, right? Except every time he'd say

something

> like that, I'd immediately feel awful. And for whatever reason, I

woke

> up this morning and realized that growing up with someone who was

> always projecting on me, I had grown used to these types of

statements

> being jabs at me, off-handed statements about things that I should

be

> doing. In other words, if nada said " The house is a mess " , it

> meant, " You better clean the house or else. " " We should take the

kids

> to get their hair cut soon, " would be interpreted as " YOU need to

take

> better care of the kids. " I realized this morning that I have been

> internally processing these types of statements as personal

attacks,

> and although I certainly bear some responsibility for the upkeep of

my

> house and children, I need to better consider the intent behind

these

> statements. Anyone else with similar experiences?

>

January 1, 2008

Oh dear, yes. One of the best lessons I learned was to not put

unspoken meaning into such statements. After years of trying to

figure out what, exactly, nada meant, I did the same with everyone

else in my life, always thinking that there was another meaning

behind their words, and like you, thinking that it was really a

hidden criticism of me.

I had a very hard time getting rid of this in self talk, too. Now,

I know that when a simple statement makes me feel bad, it is because

it is triggering something from my past, and it doesn't mean the

speaker has any hidden mmeans anything negative. And, if I am not

sure, I ask for an explanation. We couldn't communicate with our BP

parents, but we can communicate with others in our lives.

Sylvia

>

> Happy New Year everyone! I had a very wierd experience this

morning.

> I awoke with one very lucid thought in my mind. My husband will

> occasionally say things like " The house is a mess " (which is

usually

> true) or " We should take the kids to get their hair cut soon. "

Both

> non-accusatory statements, right? Except every time he'd say

something

> like that, I'd immediately feel awful. And for whatever reason, I

woke

> up this morning and realized that growing up with someone who was

> always projecting on me, I had grown used to these types of

statements

> being jabs at me, off-handed statements about things that I should

be

> doing. In other words, if nada said " The house is a mess " , it

> meant, " You better clean the house or else. " " We should take the

kids

> to get their hair cut soon, " would be interpreted as " YOU need to

take

> better care of the kids. " I realized this morning that I have

been

> internally processing these types of statements as personal

attacks,

> and although I certainly bear some responsibility for the upkeep

of my

> house and children, I need to better consider the intent behind

these

> statements. Anyone else with similar experiences?

>

January 1, 2008

Hi missing writer, this is actually the biggest issue I'm dealing with right

now. I am trying

to learn to alter the self-talk I get from my husband's actions. It is a huge

project and I'm

not sure if I'm going to be successful. My nada was a hermit and waif with me,

and

sometimes a witch. So when he says or does the following, here's what happens:

'The dog has a flea.'

I hear: (1) oh no! the dog is miserable and dying and is going to explode, the

world is

ending! (2) you are a terrible terrible owner for not making sure she has no

fleas, and i

hate you

He means: I know you are concerned about the fleas on her and I found one for

you, I

hope this information is helpful to you.

'When are we going to the store?'

I hear: you are lazy and stupid for taking so long to get up and get dressed,

surely it can't

be MY fault you are this way, and you are inconveniencing me terribly and I hate

you

He means: when are we going to the store.

Leaving the house without kissing me goodbye; going to sleep without kissing me

goodnight.

I experience: you are fat and ugly and disgusting and BAD for not keeping me

happy

enough to want to kiss you, and I definitely DON'T want to kiss you, and I am

furious with

you and hope your world ends because of it! and you deserve to be rejected and

abandoned.

He experiences: nothing. if he was mad he would say so. when he remembers, he

tries to

kiss me goodnight but unless he wants sex it doesn't come up naturally in his

mind to do

so.

I say something to him and he doesn't answer, or just says 'cool' or smiles.

I experience: I am stupid and ridiculous and disgusting and he doesn't want to

talk to me,

and how stupid i was to actually try and say something, why do I talk so much

and say

such stupid things, I'd better try to keep my mouth shut and not be so ugly and

undesirable!

He experiences: I couldn't think of anything to say in response to that, so

rather than say

the wrong thing or something that might upset her, I'll just kindof nod and

smile, and

hope it's okay.

***These are just a few examples but basically, because my husband has a lot of

Asperger's qualities, my ENTIRE day right now consists of battles like this.

Battles of

interpretation, and power of mind. It is not unique to marriages though--this

is also

applicable in the work place, and anywhere one encounters the same person often.

I am very interested to hear other examples of how people experience things like

this!

Take care,

Charlie

>

> Happy New Year everyone! I had a very wierd experience this morning.

> I awoke with one very lucid thought in my mind. My husband will

> occasionally say things like " The house is a mess " (which is usually

> true) or " We should take the kids to get their hair cut soon. " Both

> non-accusatory statements, right? Except every time he'd say something

> like that, I'd immediately feel awful. And for whatever reason, I woke

> up this morning and realized that growing up with someone who was

> always projecting on me, I had grown used to these types of statements

> being jabs at me, off-handed statements about things that I should be

> doing. In other words, if nada said " The house is a mess " , it

> meant, " You better clean the house or else. " " We should take the kids

> to get their hair cut soon, " would be interpreted as " YOU need to take

> better care of the kids. " I realized this morning that I have been

> internally processing these types of statements as personal attacks,

> and although I certainly bear some responsibility for the upkeep of my

> house and children, I need to better consider the intent behind these

> statements. Anyone else with similar experiences?

>

January 3, 2008

Yes! I agree! My husband is always reminding me not to take things

personally. If he says " the house is a mess, " i think he is attacking

my ability to clean it.

I'm right there with you!

Grace