Re: Being ignored, and feeling manipulated

[Guest guest]

i have had to adopt some very forward anti-jerk strategies recently.

maybe they'll help you guys:

1. never have a meeting alone with someone who is being a jerk to you

at work.

2. find an advocate for yourself at work.

3. if you can't, carry a tape recorder around for " notes. " keep it

out in the open. if someone doesn't want to be recorded, then tell

them that the meeting obviously has no merit and refuse to meet.

4. document EVERYTHING. if someone is emailing only you about a group

project, cc it to everyone on the project.

that's all i've got so far. i've noticed at my work that the people

who keep to themselves and try to do their jobs are the targets,

whereas the ones who complain and harass are the ones who get

attention from the administration. very lame. the last thing we need

is to be victimized at work the same way we were as kids. we're

adults now, so we can call some of the shots. we don't have to fall

into situations with coworkers where they act one way to us and

another way to others.

bink

>

> I can relate so much, particularly to this:

>

> " I

> work with people who lie and undercut me to make themselves look

> good.

> My counselor says it's because I'm an easy mark and there are people

> who pick up on that and use it to their advantage. They perceive me

> as

> the weakest link. "

>

> I worked on some of this stuff with the last therapist that I went

> to and the interesting thing was that he was so supportive of me in

> this. When I explained to him the things that have gone on in my

> jobs he said it made him angry on my behalf that people would

> exploit a vulnerability that someone has, expecially one that came

> out of such pain (mainly my panic reaction in conflict due to an

> attempted rape when I was six years old and then some ensuing

> emotional torment). It was the first time in my life, I believe,

> that someone has had an *appropriate* rather than a *shaming*

> reaction to my inability to handle conflict well. Because I think

> that people just popping off with 'you shoulds' as in 'you should be

> more assertive, you should stand up for yourself, you should say

> this or do that or just essentially not have the problems that you

> are coming to me for support for in the first place' can be very

> counter-productive and damaging. Of course it's possible people

> perceive you as an easy mark, but does that make it right? Hell no.

> Is it an admirable trait, to look around for the 'easy marks' and

> exploit them? Hell no. Should I be further ashamed because I have

> this reaction and or difficulties I have in these situations? NO.

> Should the arseholes out there in the world with this kind of

> psychology be ashamed? Hell YES. I believe in the great beyond and

> the big picture and especially in karma so I believe they are

> digging their own graves, however they may 'succeed' on the surface

> and in the physical realm. I am much, much better than I used to be,

> but I am very careful whom I talk to and where I go for help with

> these problems; my philosophy is If you want to help me, by all

> means help me, but if you want to shame me, and make me feel worse

> about something I have struggled with for decades, take a leap.

>

> I truly believe that your lack of guile and the innocent way in

> which you described the scenario above in your post are indicative

> that you have very good qualities, and to not be able to understand

> those machiavellian tactics means you probably have a good heart and

> this is probably the main reason you are not a bpd. Bpd/npd types

> seem to really be able to read social situations like this and place

> themselves in the most advantageous position, regardless of how

> right or wrong their tactics are, everything is a means to an end.

>

[Guest guest]

Abby,

    I can relate to this game.  As KO's I think we are so involved in BPD's

world that we forget to have our own.  Start finding your own world.  One of

which has nothing to do with your nada.  It becomes so empowering and such a

freedom!  I see the same things (trees and colors, for example) with brand new

eyes and I feel reborn in that sense.  It's quite magical.  I hope that all

makes sense to you.  And I hope I don't sound crazy because it makes sense to

me.  But, then again, what's the dif anyway {wink}.

 

Take Care Of You,

JaneSoul

Being ignored, and feeling manipulated

So, nada has not called in ages which is unlike her. I feel like I'm

being manipulated. She's done this before waiting for me to " give in "

and call her. When I have called her in the past her response has

been " oh thank you for calling I didn't expect you to call " , which I

know is crap. She was waiting for it. I think she's doing the same

thing this time. She's angry because I'm trying to set boundaries and

she doesn't like it. I feel like it's more mindgames on her part.

I have mixed feelings towards this. Part of me is glad she's not

bothering me, but the other part of me is extremely anxious about it,

anticipating what's going to happen when she does call. (She'll call

eventually). Another part of me feels like I did when I was a kid and

upset my mother. I would feel her wrath either by her rages or the

silence. I would be the one who would run to her, console her and make

sure she was okay so she would love me again and everything would be

okay until the next time.

Does this ever end? It's starting to carry over into my work. I allow

people to walk all over me. I try to assert myself and they kick it up

a notch. I'm not able to hold my ground because I'm too insecure to

believe what I'm saying or that I'm worth being treated with respect. I

work with people who lie and undercut me to make themselves look good.

My counselor says it's because I'm an easy mark and there are people

who pick up on that and use it to their advantage. They perceive me as

the weakest link. I don't talk back. I don't assert myself. I shutup

and take whatever they throw at me.. I don't want to be this way. I hate

that growing up in a home with a BP and an alcoholic has had such a

powerful effect on me and the way I view myself. It has carried over

into all my relationships, my professional life and my social life. I

don't trust people. I'm afraid to get close to people. When someone

does something that hurts or disappoints me I'm not surprised. I expect

it. At times I wonder if I will ever be able to respond like a normal

person without feeling like I'm going to burst into tear, beating

myself up and my head/heart pounding.

I'm just having a bad day and need to vent.

Abby

[Guest guest]

Janesoul, i would say the exact same thing. Once you are free from the BPD,

you see the world in color instead of black and white, where you saw fear

before, you see opportunity.

>

> Abby,

> I can relate to this game. As KO's I think we are so involved in BPD's

> world that we forget to have our own. Start finding your own world. One of

> which has nothing to do with your nada. It becomes so empowering and such a

> freedom! I see the same things (trees and colors, for example) with brand

> new eyes and I feel reborn in that sense. It's quite magical. I hope that

> all makes sense to you. And I hope I don't sound crazy because it makes

> sense to me. But, then again, what's the dif anyway {wink}.

>

>

> Take Care Of You,

> JaneSoul

>

>

>

> Being ignored, and feeling manipulated

>

>

> So, nada has not called in ages which is unlike her. I feel like I'm

> being manipulated. She's done this before waiting for me to " give in "

> and call her. When I have called her in the past her response has

> been " oh thank you for calling I didn't expect you to call " , which I

> know is crap. She was waiting for it. I think she's doing the same

> thing this time. She's angry because I'm trying to set boundaries and

> she doesn't like it. I feel like it's more mindgames on her part.

>

> I have mixed feelings towards this. Part of me is glad she's not

> bothering me, but the other part of me is extremely anxious about it,

> anticipating what's going to happen when she does call. (She'll call

> eventually). Another part of me feels like I did when I was a kid and

> upset my mother. I would feel her wrath either by her rages or the

> silence. I would be the one who would run to her, console her and make

> sure she was okay so she would love me again and everything would be

> okay until the next time.

>

> Does this ever end? It's starting to carry over into my work. I allow

> people to walk all over me. I try to assert myself and they kick it up

> a notch. I'm not able to hold my ground because I'm too insecure to

> believe what I'm saying or that I'm worth being treated with respect. I

> work with people who lie and undercut me to make themselves look good.

> My counselor says it's because I'm an easy mark and there are people

> who pick up on that and use it to their advantage. They perceive me as

> the weakest link. I don't talk back. I don't assert myself. I shutup

> and take whatever they throw at me.. I don't want to be this way. I hate

> that growing up in a home with a BP and an alcoholic has had such a

> powerful effect on me and the way I view myself. It has carried over

> into all my relationships, my professional life and my social life. I

> don't trust people. I'm afraid to get close to people. When someone

> does something that hurts or disappoints me I'm not surprised. I expect

> it. At times I wonder if I will ever be able to respond like a normal

> person without feeling like I'm going to burst into tear, beating

> myself up and my head/heart pounding.

>

> I'm just having a bad day and need to vent.

>

> Abby

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

My mom used to call me at least a couple times a day when I first

moved away, but for several years, I can probably count the times

she's called me on both hands. I usually call her. I do think it's

a game. The last time I called her, she said, " I was just about to

call you. " Sure. And she proceeded to tell me that she went to the

emergency room several days earlier. Umm, what!? Thanks for

telling me. It's all a game, I guess.

I, too, feel taken advantage of by other people, and I have a hard

time saying no or expressing myself for fear of how it will make

someone else feel. After I have a conversation with someone, I

usually overanalyze everything I said and regret a lot of it.

I, too, have a hard time trusting people. I tend to see the

negative in everyone, rather than the positive, maybe for fear of

getting too close, which will result in getting hurt. I rarely

accept help or ask for help from anyone. I am basically the text

book child of a Waif, as described in UBM. That book was a

frighteningly accurate decription of my family, all the way down to

the all-good child, the no-good child, and the alcholic husband. I

wonder if my mom has become a Queen in a way, because her most

recent SO is a definite NPD.

>

> So, nada has not called in ages which is unlike her. I feel like

I'm

> being manipulated. She's done this before waiting for me to " give

in "

> and call her. When I have called her in the past her response has

> been " oh thank you for calling I didn't expect you to call " , which

I

> know is crap. She was waiting for it. I think she's doing the same

> thing this time. She's angry because I'm trying to set boundaries

and

> she doesn't like it. I feel like it's more mindgames on her part.

>

> I have mixed feelings towards this. Part of me is glad she's not

> bothering me, but the other part of me is extremely anxious about

it,

> anticipating what's going to happen when she does call. (She'll

call

> eventually). Another part of me feels like I did when I was a kid

and

> upset my mother. I would feel her wrath either by her rages or the

> silence. I would be the one who would run to her, console her and

make

> sure she was okay so she would love me again and everything would

be

> okay until the next time.

>

> Does this ever end? It's starting to carry over into my work. I

allow

> people to walk all over me. I try to assert myself and they kick

it up

> a notch. I'm not able to hold my ground because I'm too insecure

to

> believe what I'm saying or that I'm worth being treated with

respect. I

> work with people who lie and undercut me to make themselves look

good.

> My counselor says it's because I'm an easy mark and there are

people

> who pick up on that and use it to their advantage. They perceive

me as

> the weakest link. I don't talk back. I don't assert myself. I

shutup

> and take whatever they throw at me. I don't want to be this way. I

hate

> that growing up in a home with a BP and an alcoholic has had such

a

> powerful effect on me and the way I view myself. It has carried

over

> into all my relationships, my professional life and my social

life. I

> don't trust people. I'm afraid to get close to people. When

someone

> does something that hurts or disappoints me I'm not surprised. I

expect

> it. At times I wonder if I will ever be able to respond like a

normal

> person without feeling like I'm going to burst into tear, beating

> myself up and my head/heart pounding.

>

> I'm just having a bad day and need to vent.

>

> Abby

>

[Guest guest]

Girlscout,

I can relate so well to analyzing things I say, regretting much of it

later, etc. I review conversations in my head, put myself in place of

the other person to " feel out " what impact my words might have had,

etc. I didn't know extroverted individuals did this too.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > My mom used to call me at least a couple times a day when I

> > > first

> > > > > > moved away, but for several years, I can probably count the

> > > times

> > > > > > she's called me on both hands. I usually call her. I do

> > think

> > > it's

> > > > > > a game. The last time I called her, she said, " I was just

> > about

> > > to

> > > > > > call you. " Sure. And she proceeded to tell me that she went

> > to

> > > the

> > > > > > emergency room several days earlier. Umm, what!? Thanks for

> > > > > > telling me. It's all a game, I guess.

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

[Guest guest]

Abby, I know you made this post a few days ago, but I'm just now

reading it. You wrote :

" I would be the one who would run to her, console her and make

sure she was okay so she would love me again and everything would be

okay until the next time. " .

That is the story of my life exactly. This is how my childhood and

even part of my adult life was like. Like a never ending game.

~Sara Jo

>

> So, nada has not called in ages which is unlike her. I feel like

I'm

> being manipulated. She's done this before waiting for me to " give

in "

> and call her. When I have called her in the past her response has

> been " oh thank you for calling I didn't expect you to call " , which

I

> know is crap. She was waiting for it. I think she's doing the same

> thing this time. She's angry because I'm trying to set boundaries

and

> she doesn't like it. I feel like it's more mindgames on her part.

>

> I have mixed feelings towards this. Part of me is glad she's not

> bothering me, but the other part of me is extremely anxious about

it,

> anticipating what's going to happen when she does call. (She'll

call

> eventually). Another part of me feels like I did when I was a kid

and

> upset my mother. I would feel her wrath either by her rages or the

> silence. I would be the one who would run to her, console her and

make

> sure she was okay so she would love me again and everything would

be

> okay until the next time.

>

> Does this ever end? It's starting to carry over into my work. I

allow

> people to walk all over me. I try to assert myself and they kick

it up

> a notch. I'm not able to hold my ground because I'm too insecure

to

> believe what I'm saying or that I'm worth being treated with

respect. I

> work with people who lie and undercut me to make themselves look

good.

> My counselor says it's because I'm an easy mark and there are

people

> who pick up on that and use it to their advantage. They perceive

me as

> the weakest link. I don't talk back. I don't assert myself. I

shutup

> and take whatever they throw at me. I don't want to be this way. I

hate

> that growing up in a home with a BP and an alcoholic has had such

a

> powerful effect on me and the way I view myself. It has carried

over

> into all my relationships, my professional life and my social

life. I

> don't trust people. I'm afraid to get close to people. When

someone

> does something that hurts or disappoints me I'm not surprised. I

expect

> it. At times I wonder if I will ever be able to respond like a

normal

> person without feeling like I'm going to burst into tear, beating

> myself up and my head/heart pounding.

>

> I'm just having a bad day and need to vent.

>

> Abby

>

[Guest guest]

Wow, you are right on, Kyla. Thanks for your advice. I have a

tendency to get angry with my mom instead of responding in a calm

way, with remarks that would change the dynamics of our behavior.

I'll definitely work on it!

> > > > >

> > > > > My mom used to call me at least a couple times a day when I

> > first

> > > > > moved away, but for several years, I can probably count the

> > times

> > > > > she's called me on both hands. I usually call her. I do

> think

> > it's

> > > > > a game. The last time I called her, she said, " I was just

> about

> > to

> > > > > call you. " Sure. And she proceeded to tell me that she went

> to

> > the

> > > > > emergency room several days earlier. Umm, what!? Thanks for

> > > > > telling me. It's all a game, I guess.

> > > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

[Guest guest]

Good! Calmly and politely denying them the payoff they seek keeps

them off their footing -- throws them a curveball.

My mother used to try to torture me with how much a young co-worker

admired her and sought motherly advice from her. I think she was

trying to make me feel left out.

But I just kept acting enthusiastic about it and told her " that's so

nice that you get along with your co-worker -- it makes the day go

by so much faster and enjoyably " ....(words to that effect).

After all, what I said was actually TRUE -- I'm sure it frustrated

her to no end! And it served to keep me from picking up the bait.

And if you're being polite and well-wishing to her or anybody else,

it nurtures you, too.

-Kyla

> > > > > >

> > > > > > My mom used to call me at least a couple times a day

when I

> > > first

> > > > > > moved away, but for several years, I can probably count

the

> > > times

> > > > > > she's called me on both hands. I usually call her. I do

> > think

> > > it's

> > > > > > a game. The last time I called her, she said, " I was

just

> > about

> > > to

> > > > > > call you. " Sure. And she proceeded to tell me that she

went

> > to

> > > the

> > > > > > emergency room several days earlier. Umm, what!? Thanks

for

> > > > > > telling me. It's all a game, I guess.

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

[Guest guest]

My mother too was the queen of the silent treatment. She was very

surprised that my sister and I learned so well how to use it....on

HER. In a way, she taught us how to go LC and occasionally, NC. I

still have problems in differentiating the silent treatment as

punishment, and the silent treatment as LC/NC. I never want to use

LC/NC to punish her, I use it for self-preservation, but sometimes I

get this little nip of smug self-satisfaction in knowing that the

very weapon she used on all of us is occasionally used on her.

Don't know if that's karma or revenge - or reaping and sowing -

whatever it is, I'm still sorting it out.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > So, nada has not called in ages which is unlike her. I

feel

> > > like

> > > > > I'm

> > > > > > being manipulated. She's done this before waiting for me

> > > to " give

> > > > > in "

> > > > > > and call her. When I have called her in the past her

> response

> > > has

> > > > > > been " oh thank you for calling I didn't expect you to

call " ,

> > > > which

> > > > > I

> > > > > > know is crap. She was waiting for it. I think she's doing

> the

> > > > same

> > > > > > thing this time. She's angry because I'm trying to set

> > > boundaries

> > > > > and

> > > > > > she doesn't like it. I feel like it's more mindgames on

her

> > > part.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > I have mixed feelings towards this. Part of me is glad

she's

> > > not

> > > > > > bothering me, but the other part of me is extremely

anxious

> > > about

> > > > > it,

> > > > > > anticipating what's going to happen when she does call.

> (She'll

> > > > > call

> > > > > > eventually). Another part of me feels like I did when I

was

> a

> > > kid

> > > > > and

> > > > > > upset my mother. I would feel her wrath either by her

rages

> or

> > > > the

> > > > > > silence. I would be the one who would run to her, console

> her

> > > and

> > > > > make

> > > > > > sure she was okay so she would love me again and

everything

> > > would

> > > > > be

> > > > > > okay until the next time.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Does this ever end? It's starting to carry over into my

> work. I

> > > > > allow

> > > > > > people to walk all over me. I try to assert myself and

they

> > > kick

> > > > it

> > > > > up

> > > > > > a notch. I'm not able to hold my ground because I'm too

> > > insecure

> > > > to

> > > > > > believe what I'm saying or that I'm worth being treated

with

> > > > > respect. I

> > > > > > work with people who lie and undercut me to make

themselves

> > > look

> > > > > good.

> > > > > > My counselor says it's because I'm an easy mark and there

> are

> > > > > people

> > > > > > who pick up on that and use it to their advantage. They

> > > perceive

> > > > me

> > > > > as

> > > > > > the weakest link. I don't talk back. I don't assert

myself.

> I

> > > > > shutup

> > > > > > and take whatever they throw at me. I don't want to be

this

> > > way.

> > > > I

> > > > > hate

> > > > > > that growing up in a home with a BP and an alcoholic has

had

> > > such

> > > > a

> > > > > > powerful effect on me and the way I view myself. It has

> carried

> > > > > over

> > > > > > into all my relationships, my professional life and my

> social

> > > > life.

> > > > > I

> > > > > > don't trust people. I'm afraid to get close to people.

When

> > > > someone

> > > > > > does something that hurts or disappoints me I'm not

> surprised.

> > > I

> > > > > expect

> > > > > > it. At times I wonder if I will ever be able to respond

> like a

> > > > > normal

> > > > > > person without feeling like I'm going to burst into tear,

> > > beating

> > > > > > myself up and my head/heart pounding.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > I'm just having a bad day and need to vent.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Abby

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >