Re: I don't know what to do!

[Guest guest]

I'm not a proponent of the supervised visit thing, especially when

the jabs are verbal. At least with a punch you can see the windup

coming and have a chance to step in. My mom will just hurl insanity

without warning, leaving no chance to step in, and you can't undo

it. And then you'd be faced with trying to explain that to your

child, most likely in front of your mom who would make another scene

because you're trying to show your child why what she did was wrong,

and then you would be evil (in her eyes). Very, very confusing and

guilt-inducing to the kid, if you ask me.

>

> I sent my mother an email almost 3 weeks ago about how she won't be

> having contact with my son unless I am present. I really don't

want

> her to have contact AT ALL, but at that point I was trying to make

> things easier on my son by not cutting his grandma out of his life,

> destructive though she may be. My mom doesn't have email access at

> home, but I am sure that in the last almost 3 weeks she has gone to

> the library or Kinkos and checked her email like she does every

week

> or so. So I don't know if she actually got the email or not because

> she never responded.

>

> Now today she called for the first time in weeks. She left a

message

> on my home phone and then called my cell and left a message also.

> She wants to get together with my son to celebrate school being

> out " like she does every year. " Wha? I take him out every year,

not

> her! Sometimes we've invited her, but that's it, it wasn't her

> doing! Her 2nd message was the same with a bunch of " I need you to

> call me " yada-yada-yada and " you never called me back the other

times

> I've called. " Yes, mother, I am aware of that since it is ME you

are

> talking about. She said " I really need to talk to you. " Well of

> course she does. She's lost her grip on me. I'm living my own

life

> now and ignoring her.

>

> Part of me wants to just call her back, but the other part of me

> wants to continue to ignore it. I know that if I ignore much

longer

> though, she'll start coming over and I just can't handle that

drama.

> She'll stand out there and gaze at my son's window, he'll probably

> gaze out of his window (as he does whenever he hears the doorbell)

> and they'll lock eyes...she'll mouth " I love you! " while her eyes

> fill with tears, then she'll do a weird " I love you " in hand

> gestures. I can see it now.

>

> The idea of calling her makes me want to throw up. Her false

cheery

> voice makes my skin crawl. She only uses it because like a person

> trying to lure thier prey she thinks it will disarm me. If I DO

call

> her voice will stay cheery until I don't agree to her plans, and

then

> *BAM* it will be the cold, heartless voice. Do I call anyway and

> just do my best to lay this to rest? Do I agree to meet up so my

son

> can spend a short time with his grandma? And does me supervising

> even matter, since she always says what she wants to say whether

I'm

> present or not?

>

> HELP!

>

[Guest guest]

Her phone calls with heightened drama are not the same as you

needing to have heightened drama. She can get as excited as she

wants, and she can TRY to demand that you call her back on HER

schedule -- doesn't mean you're obligated to comply!!

I have always thought that people who say " I keep calling you and

you don't call me back " are RUDE, hostile and inconsiderate. She's

testing you. Testing your new resolve -- she senses it. She'll

make you be more direct -- be ready for it.

You are under no obligation to make her " urgency " the same as YOUR

urgency. If you don't want to call her, don't. But, if you think

she'll just ramp up the hostility and track you down, you're going

to have no choice but to lay down your boundaries. You can write

them down on index cards so you'll have them ready to go, with the

wording that feels right to you.

She's trying to take over -- don't let her. Unfortunately,

sometimes they force us to state our boundaries. Hints don't work

with a lot of BPDs, because they just get more aggressive to wear

you down and discourage you from taking up for yourself.

If you don't want your son unsupervised with your mother, then call

her back and say something like " I don't think we're going to do

that. You're welcome to join us at the park when we go tomorrow (or

whatever you visualized when you said 'supervised visits'. "

Start working on your memorized phrases that put your boundaries in

place. Then feel the fear and DO IT ANYWAY! She'll smell fear on

you if you back down, and she'll just get MORE aggressive next time

to shut you up faster. Like letting one's child know who's boss,

you're going to have to do that with your mother, too. Assert your

authority.

-kyla

>

> I sent my mother an email almost 3 weeks ago about how she won't

be

> having contact with my son unless I am present. I really don't

want

> her to have contact AT ALL, but at that point I was trying to make

> things easier on my son by not cutting his grandma out of his

life,

> destructive though she may be. My mom doesn't have email access

at

> home, but I am sure that in the last almost 3 weeks she has gone

to

> the library or Kinkos and checked her email like she does every

week

> or so. So I don't know if she actually got the email or not

because

> she never responded.

>

> Now today she called for the first time in weeks. She left a

message

> on my home phone and then called my cell and left a message also.

> She wants to get together with my son to celebrate school being

> out " like she does every year. " Wha? I take him out every year,

not

> her! Sometimes we've invited her, but that's it, it wasn't her

> doing! Her 2nd message was the same with a bunch of " I need you

to

> call me " yada-yada-yada and " you never called me back the other

times

> I've called. " Yes, mother, I am aware of that since it is ME you

are

> talking about. She said " I really need to talk to you. " Well of

> course she does. She's lost her grip on me. I'm living my own

life

> now and ignoring her.

>

> Part of me wants to just call her back, but the other part of me

> wants to continue to ignore it. I know that if I ignore much

longer

> though, she'll start coming over and I just can't handle that

drama.

> She'll stand out there and gaze at my son's window, he'll probably

> gaze out of his window (as he does whenever he hears the doorbell)

> and they'll lock eyes...she'll mouth " I love you! " while her eyes

> fill with tears, then she'll do a weird " I love you " in hand

> gestures. I can see it now.

>

> The idea of calling her makes me want to throw up. Her false

cheery

> voice makes my skin crawl. She only uses it because like a person

> trying to lure thier prey she thinks it will disarm me. If I DO

call

> her voice will stay cheery until I don't agree to her plans, and

then

> *BAM* it will be the cold, heartless voice. Do I call anyway and

> just do my best to lay this to rest? Do I agree to meet up so my

son

> can spend a short time with his grandma? And does me supervising

> even matter, since she always says what she wants to say whether

I'm

> present or not?

>

> HELP!

>

[Guest guest]

There is no one but me, that's a big part of the problem. I have no

husband or boyfriend, but even if I did, I wouldn't subject him to

spending time with her. My exhusband i sscared of her, so he won't,

and I don't blame him.

Appearances ARE everything, you've got that right. Lately though

she's becoming more and more low-functioning and her craziness is

becoming more apparent to all.

I did call. My son wanted to invite her and I didn't want to say

no because he does truly love her. I did it on MY terms though, and

we are meeting in a public place for ice cream. I also asked her to

bring the few things she has of ours and we're returning some things

of hers. So at least I am taking away that last hold of " but I have

your stuff " and " you need to give me back those valuable DVDs you

have! " that she has over me.

> >

> > I sent my mother an email almost 3 weeks ago about how she won't

be

> > having contact with my son unless I am present. I really don't

> want

> > her to have contact AT ALL, but at that point I was trying to

make

> > things easier on my son by not cutting his grandma out of his

life,

> > destructive though she may be. My mom doesn't have email access

at

> > home, but I am sure that in the last almost 3 weeks she has gone

to

> > the library or Kinkos and checked her email like she does every

> week

> > or so. So I don't know if she actually got the email or not

because

> > she never responded.

> >

> > Now today she called for the first time in weeks. She left a

> message

> > on my home phone and then called my cell and left a message

also.

> > She wants to get together with my son to celebrate school being

> > out " like she does every year. " Wha? I take him out every year,

> not

> > her! Sometimes we've invited her, but that's it, it wasn't her

> > doing! Her 2nd message was the same with a bunch of " I need you

to

> > call me " yada-yada-yada and " you never called me back the other

> times

> > I've called. " Yes, mother, I am aware of that since it is ME you

> are

> > talking about. She said " I really need to talk to you. " Well of

> > course she does. She's lost her grip on me. I'm living my own

> life

> > now and ignoring her.

> >

> > Part of me wants to just call her back, but the other part of me

> > wants to continue to ignore it. I know that if I ignore much

> longer

> > though, she'll start coming over and I just can't handle that

> drama.

> > She'll stand out there and gaze at my son's window, he'll

probably

> > gaze out of his window (as he does whenever he hears the

doorbell)

> > and they'll lock eyes...she'll mouth " I love you! " while her eyes

> > fill with tears, then she'll do a weird " I love you " in hand

> > gestures. I can see it now.

> >

> > The idea of calling her makes me want to throw up. Her false

> cheery

> > voice makes my skin crawl. She only uses it because like a

person

> > trying to lure thier prey she thinks it will disarm me. If I DO

> call

> > her voice will stay cheery until I don't agree to her plans, and

> then

> > *BAM* it will be the cold, heartless voice. Do I call anyway and

> > just do my best to lay this to rest? Do I agree to meet up so my

> son

> > can spend a short time with his grandma? And does me supervising

> > even matter, since she always says what she wants to say whether

> I'm

> > present or not?

> >

> > HELP!

> >

>

[Guest guest]

> If she acts up, can you throw something of hers at her, grab your

> son's arm, stomp off, nose in the air, looking indignant? :0)

Hahaha! Thanks for the laugh. I think rather than throw

something of hers at her, I'll throw my blizzard (we're going to

Dairy Queen). That would be satisfying on so many levels! And I can

tell my son, " mommy and grandma were just having a food fight. " He's

a boy, he can dig it. Heeheehee

> > > >

> > > > I sent my mother an email almost 3 weeks ago about how she

> won't

> > be

> > > > having contact with my son unless I am present. I really

don't

> > > want

> > > > her to have contact AT ALL, but at that point I was trying to

> > make

> > > > things easier on my son by not cutting his grandma out of his

> > life,

> > > > destructive though she may be. My mom doesn't have email

> access

> > at

> > > > home, but I am sure that in the last almost 3 weeks she has

> gone

> > to

> > > > the library or Kinkos and checked her email like she does

every

> > > week

> > > > or so. So I don't know if she actually got the email or not

> > because

> > > > she never responded.

> > > >

> > > > Now today she called for the first time in weeks. She left a

> > > message

> > > > on my home phone and then called my cell and left a message

> > also.

> > > > She wants to get together with my son to celebrate school

being

> > > > out " like she does every year. " Wha? I take him out every

> year,

> > > not

> > > > her! Sometimes we've invited her, but that's it, it wasn't

her

> > > > doing! Her 2nd message was the same with a bunch of " I need

> you

> > to

> > > > call me " yada-yada-yada and " you never called me back the

other

> > > times

> > > > I've called. " Yes, mother, I am aware of that since it is ME

> you

> > > are

> > > > talking about. She said " I really need to talk to you. "

Well

> of

> > > > course she does. She's lost her grip on me. I'm living my

own

> > > life

> > > > now and ignoring her.

> > > >

> > > > Part of me wants to just call her back, but the other part of

> me

> > > > wants to continue to ignore it. I know that if I ignore much

> > > longer

> > > > though, she'll start coming over and I just can't handle that

> > > drama.

> > > > She'll stand out there and gaze at my son's window, he'll

> > probably

> > > > gaze out of his window (as he does whenever he hears the

> > doorbell)

> > > > and they'll lock eyes...she'll mouth " I love you! " while her

> eyes

> > > > fill with tears, then she'll do a weird " I love you " in hand

> > > > gestures. I can see it now.

> > > >

> > > > The idea of calling her makes me want to throw up. Her false

> > > cheery

> > > > voice makes my skin crawl. She only uses it because like a

> > person

> > > > trying to lure thier prey she thinks it will disarm me. If I

> DO

> > > call

> > > > her voice will stay cheery until I don't agree to her plans,

> and

> > > then

> > > > *BAM* it will be the cold, heartless voice. Do I call anyway

> and

> > > > just do my best to lay this to rest? Do I agree to meet up

so

> my

> > > son

> > > > can spend a short time with his grandma? And does me

> supervising

> > > > even matter, since she always says what she wants to say

> whether

> > > I'm

> > > > present or not?

> > > >

> > > > HELP!

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Bwaaahahahahaha!

> > > > > >

> > > > > > I sent my mother an email almost 3 weeks ago about how

she

> > > won't

> > > > be

> > > > > > having contact with my son unless I am present. I really

> > don't

> > > > > want

> > > > > > her to have contact AT ALL, but at that point I was

trying

> to

> > > > make

> > > > > > things easier on my son by not cutting his grandma out of

> his

> > > > life,

> > > > > > destructive though she may be. My mom doesn't have email

> > > access

> > > > at

> > > > > > home, but I am sure that in the last almost 3 weeks she

has

> > > gone

> > > > to

> > > > > > the library or Kinkos and checked her email like she does

> > every

> > > > > week

> > > > > > or so. So I don't know if she actually got the email or

not

> > > > because

> > > > > > she never responded.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Now today she called for the first time in weeks. She

left

> a

> > > > > message

> > > > > > on my home phone and then called my cell and left a

message

> > > > also.

> > > > > > She wants to get together with my son to celebrate school

> > being

> > > > > > out " like she does every year. " Wha? I take him out

every

> > > year,

> > > > > not

> > > > > > her! Sometimes we've invited her, but that's it, it

wasn't

> > her

> > > > > > doing! Her 2nd message was the same with a bunch of " I

> need

> > > you

> > > > to

> > > > > > call me " yada-yada-yada and " you never called me back the

> > other

> > > > > times

> > > > > > I've called. " Yes, mother, I am aware of that since it

is

> ME

> > > you

> > > > > are

> > > > > > talking about. She said " I really need to talk to you. "

> > Well

> > > of

> > > > > > course she does. She's lost her grip on me. I'm living

my

> > own

> > > > > life

> > > > > > now and ignoring her.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Part of me wants to just call her back, but the other

part

> of

> > > me

> > > > > > wants to continue to ignore it. I know that if I ignore

> much

> > > > > longer

> > > > > > though, she'll start coming over and I just can't handle

> that

> > > > > drama.

> > > > > > She'll stand out there and gaze at my son's window, he'll

> > > > probably

> > > > > > gaze out of his window (as he does whenever he hears the

> > > > doorbell)

> > > > > > and they'll lock eyes...she'll mouth " I love you! " while

> her

> > > eyes

> > > > > > fill with tears, then she'll do a weird " I love you " in

> hand

> > > > > > gestures. I can see it now.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > The idea of calling her makes me want to throw up. Her

> false

> > > > > cheery

> > > > > > voice makes my skin crawl. She only uses it because like

a

> > > > person

> > > > > > trying to lure thier prey she thinks it will disarm me.

If

> I

> > > DO

> > > > > call

> > > > > > her voice will stay cheery until I don't agree to her

> plans,

> > > and

> > > > > then

> > > > > > *BAM* it will be the cold, heartless voice. Do I call

> anyway

> > > and

> > > > > > just do my best to lay this to rest? Do I agree to meet

up

> > so

> > > my

> > > > > son

> > > > > > can spend a short time with his grandma? And does me

> > > supervising

> > > > > > even matter, since she always says what she wants to say

> > > whether

> > > > > I'm

> > > > > > present or not?

> > > > > >

> > > > > > HELP!

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

ack!! that is unbelievably creepy, the stalking outside the window

thing. You might end up having to get a restraining order someday for

that one.

There is no reason why you can't e-mail her again. Can you leave a

voice message and tell her to check her e-mail and she will find her

answer there? I don't blame you for not wanting to discuss it.

[Guest guest]

Jess,

2 possibilities - either your mother HASN'T checked her email

(doubtful) or she HAS checked it and is now pretending not to have

read it.

The thing about her standing outside your house and staring into your

son's room is just plain creepy. And spooky. If I was a kid it would

scare me to death to see my grandma do that outside the window. And

it would confuse me and I'd do a lot of ruminating on it. Plus I

wouldn't ask my mom why her mom was out there since it very obviously

upsets my mom to even talk about grandma.

I'm not sure what you hope to accomplish by allowing your child to be

around someone who obviously doesn't respect his parents. Even if it

is his grandma. Plus, you're putting him in the middle of the two of

you. It is extremely distressing to children to be in the middle of

two warring adults. They are very aware of the tension between you,

even without you saying anything.

I honestly believe that it is more harmful for your child to be

around his grandma than it would be to sit him down and explain that

what grandma does, how she treats you and how she lies about it, is

unacceptable and for his own good you'd rather keep him away from her

right now.

And personally, I'd call her and read the email you sent her aloud.

Then hang up. If she shows up, draw the shades and bring your son to

a part of the house where she can't see him and he can't see her.

What she is doing is very sick. She doesn't want to see him to

benefit him - she is twisting a knife in you by acting this way. She

is harming your son. You'd stop a stranger from doing that. Don't let

the title " grandma " fool you into thinking she is automatically

deserving of spending time with your child. Blood doesn't grant

privileges.

Protect your son from the craziness YOU had to endure. No one

protected you, but you can now protect HIM.

>

> I sent my mother an email almost 3 weeks ago about how she won't be

> having contact with my son unless I am present. I really don't

want

> her to have contact AT ALL, but at that point I was trying to make

> things easier on my son by not cutting his grandma out of his life,

> destructive though she may be. My mom doesn't have email access at

> home, but I am sure that in the last almost 3 weeks she has gone to

> the library or Kinkos and checked her email like she does every

week

> or so. So I don't know if she actually got the email or not because

> she never responded.

>

> Now today she called for the first time in weeks. She left a

message

> on my home phone and then called my cell and left a message also.

> She wants to get together with my son to celebrate school being

> out " like she does every year. " Wha? I take him out every year,

not

> her! Sometimes we've invited her, but that's it, it wasn't her

> doing! Her 2nd message was the same with a bunch of " I need you to

> call me " yada-yada-yada and " you never called me back the other

times

> I've called. " Yes, mother, I am aware of that since it is ME you

are

> talking about. She said " I really need to talk to you. " Well of

> course she does. She's lost her grip on me. I'm living my own

life

> now and ignoring her.

>

> Part of me wants to just call her back, but the other part of me

> wants to continue to ignore it. I know that if I ignore much

longer

> though, she'll start coming over and I just can't handle that

drama.

> She'll stand out there and gaze at my son's window, he'll probably

> gaze out of his window (as he does whenever he hears the doorbell)

> and they'll lock eyes...she'll mouth " I love you! " while her eyes

> fill with tears, then she'll do a weird " I love you " in hand

> gestures. I can see it now.

>

> The idea of calling her makes me want to throw up. Her false

cheery

> voice makes my skin crawl. She only uses it because like a person

> trying to lure thier prey she thinks it will disarm me. If I DO

call

> her voice will stay cheery until I don't agree to her plans, and

then

> *BAM* it will be the cold, heartless voice. Do I call anyway and

> just do my best to lay this to rest? Do I agree to meet up so my

son

> can spend a short time with his grandma? And does me supervising

> even matter, since she always says what she wants to say whether

I'm

> present or not?

>

> HELP!

>

[Guest guest]

I dunno about the public places thing. My nada has lost it in a very

crowded Ikea (when she decided to inform me I was no longer the

executrix of her estate) and don't forget about the zoo incident. I'm

sure the lions still think about it. ROFL

> >

> > There is no one but me, that's a big part of the problem. I have

> no

> > husband or boyfriend, but even if I did, I wouldn't subject him

to

> > spending time with her. My exhusband i sscared of her, so he

won't,

> > and I don't blame him.

> >

> > Appearances ARE everything, you've got that right. Lately though

> > she's becoming more and more low-functioning and her craziness is

> > becoming more apparent to all.

> >

> > I did call. My son wanted to invite her and I didn't want to

> say

> > no because he does truly love her. I did it on MY terms though,

> and

> > we are meeting in a public place for ice cream. I also asked her

to

> > bring the few things she has of ours and we're returning some

> things

> > of hers. So at least I am taking away that last hold of " but I

> have

> > your stuff " and " you need to give me back those valuable DVDs you

> > have! " that she has over me.

> >

[Guest guest]

The thing about her standing outside your house and staring into your

> son's room is just plain creepy. And spooky. If I was a kid it

would

> scare me to death to see my grandma do that outside the window. And

> it would confuse me and I'd do a lot of ruminating on it. Plus I

> wouldn't ask my mom why her mom was out there since it very

obviously

> upsets my mom to even talk about grandma.

His window is on the 2nd floor, so she isn't technically staring in,

just at. She does this if she comes by and I don't open the door,

because my son will run to the window (if he's in his room) anytime

the doorbell rings. My mom can tell we're home because my car is in

the driveway, so as she walks away she turns and looks at the

house...and there he is staring out the window. So I just wanted to

clear up that she isn't stalking per se, it's not her intention to

come over and look in windows. Probalby sounds like I'm defending

her but I'm not, I just didn't want the wrong idea to be out there.

As far as my son being in the middle or feeling like I get upset when

he talks about grandma or whatever...I may be naive but I really

don't think he sees it. He talks about her all the time and I just

smile and listen, I don't say anything negative. I think that with

all the practice I've had due to having to deal with his dad, I'm a

good faker. It helps that my son is completely self-absorbed and

oblivious. He has some special needs and basically is completely

unable (or unwilling) to read a person's non-verbal cues such as body

language or tone of voice.

My son's birth mom abandoned him at age 2 1/2. His dad and I

separated when he was 6 (and later divorced). Up until the last

couple of months, his dad has been almost completely absent from his

life. His family lives several states away and never call or visit.

The only people that have consistently been involved with him are me

and my mother. I don't want to take her comletely away from him. I

would rather put on a happy face and let him have some LC with her

instead of creating another abandonment scenario for him...because

regardless of how I explain the situation, if I keep him from his

grandma he's going to think that she doesn't WANT anything to do with

him. He already feels unlovable and flawed, I don't want to add to

it.

So that's the reason why I want him to have some contact with her. I

just have to do everything I can to make sure that contact is as

positive as possible. Yesterday we met her for ice cream and I hated

every minute of it, but I fake it well, and it was a happy experience

for him. There will be only public get-togethers, and they will be

infrequent. I really don't know what else I can do. I just want

what's best for my son. He has almost no one else.

> >

> > I sent my mother an email almost 3 weeks ago about how she won't

be

> > having contact with my son unless I am present. I really don't

> want

> > her to have contact AT ALL, but at that point I was trying to

make

> > things easier on my son by not cutting his grandma out of his

life,

> > destructive though she may be. My mom doesn't have email access

at

> > home, but I am sure that in the last almost 3 weeks she has gone

to

> > the library or Kinkos and checked her email like she does every

> week

> > or so. So I don't know if she actually got the email or not

because

> > she never responded.

> >

> > Now today she called for the first time in weeks. She left a

> message

> > on my home phone and then called my cell and left a message

also.

> > She wants to get together with my son to celebrate school being

> > out " like she does every year. " Wha? I take him out every year,

> not

> > her! Sometimes we've invited her, but that's it, it wasn't her

> > doing! Her 2nd message was the same with a bunch of " I need you

to

> > call me " yada-yada-yada and " you never called me back the other

> times

> > I've called. " Yes, mother, I am aware of that since it is ME you

> are

> > talking about. She said " I really need to talk to you. " Well of

> > course she does. She's lost her grip on me. I'm living my own

> life

> > now and ignoring her.

> >

> > Part of me wants to just call her back, but the other part of me

> > wants to continue to ignore it. I know that if I ignore much

> longer

> > though, she'll start coming over and I just can't handle that

> drama.

> > She'll stand out there and gaze at my son's window, he'll

probably

> > gaze out of his window (as he does whenever he hears the

doorbell)

> > and they'll lock eyes...she'll mouth " I love you! " while her eyes

> > fill with tears, then she'll do a weird " I love you " in hand

> > gestures. I can see it now.

> >

> > The idea of calling her makes me want to throw up. Her false

> cheery

> > voice makes my skin crawl. She only uses it because like a

person

> > trying to lure thier prey she thinks it will disarm me. If I DO

> call

> > her voice will stay cheery until I don't agree to her plans, and

> then

> > *BAM* it will be the cold, heartless voice. Do I call anyway and

> > just do my best to lay this to rest? Do I agree to meet up so my

> son

> > can spend a short time with his grandma? And does me supervising

> > even matter, since she always says what she wants to say whether

> I'm

> > present or not?

> >

> > HELP!

> >

>