Guest guest Posted June 14, 2008 Report Share Posted June 14, 2008 Ouch! Okay, ouch doesn't quite cover it, but ouch. I think that is their way of creating an um, disincentive, for giving any criticism. Like how dare you point out she's always horribly late...she'll make sure you never point out something like that again. I think it's this kind of dirty fighting that makes it so hard to resolve anything with our nada's. It is that way with mine that she makes it COST me very highly if I make her uncomfortable in any way. That cost is so high, that for much of my life I have just gone along unless I absolutely couldn't for some reason. I got some tremendous validation the other day when I found out one of her sisters also experiences the same problem, so it's a game that works on others too. j > > Has anyone ever had a sincere apology from a BPD? I never have - in fact she > uses times when she should apologize as a way to make things much much worse > and to twist the knife. For instance, I was angry with her for always being > at least 2 hours late for an appointment and she says " I know why you are > angry with me. It's because I loved your brothers more than I ever loved > you. " I mean being 2 hours late for everything for 26 years was bad but not > as bad as that. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 15, 2008 Report Share Posted June 15, 2008 you bring up an interesting point. if you say something that is truthful, a lot of the times it is interpreted by them as something that is HURTFUL. where did this idea that truth=hurt come from? bink > > > > Has anyone ever had a sincere apology from a BPD? I never have - in > fact she > > uses times when she should apologize as a way to make things much > much worse > > and to twist the knife. For instance, I was angry with her for > always being > > at least 2 hours late for an appointment and she says " I know why > you are > > angry with me. It's because I loved your brothers more than I ever loved > > you. " I mean being 2 hours late for everything for 26 years was bad > but not > > as bad as that. > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 15, 2008 Report Share Posted June 15, 2008 Never. Either it was a situation like you described below, or an " I'm sorry, but... " followed by some explanation that exonerated him/her from responsibility or made it my fault. Example: in high school my then-boyfriend went to Norway and got me a gorgeous wool sweater, hand-made, truly irreplaceable. My dad washed it and dried it, and it ended up the size appropriate for a four year old. I was crushed and crying. My dad's explanation? " Well, you shouldn't have left it out like that. " He took no responsibility for it whatsoever. > > Has anyone ever had a sincere apology from a BPD? I never have - in fact she > uses times when she should apologize as a way to make things much much worse > and to twist the knife. For instance, I was angry with her for always being > at least 2 hours late for an appointment and she says " I know why you are > angry with me. It's because I loved your brothers more than I ever loved > you. " I mean being 2 hours late for everything for 26 years was bad but not > as bad as that. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 15, 2008 Report Share Posted June 15, 2008 if you say something that is > truthful, a lot of the times it is interpreted by them as something > that is HURTFUL. Exactly! That is one of the most frustrating things I have to deal with with my mom. I can never say ANYTHING but positive things to her because if I mention anything else no matter how truthful it is, I'm " cruel " because I'm " trying to hurt " her. I said " you constantly undermine me with my son, " and her response was: " you're so CRUEL! " Wha? > > > > > > Has anyone ever had a sincere apology from a BPD? I never have - in > > fact she > > > uses times when she should apologize as a way to make things much > > much worse > > > and to twist the knife. For instance, I was angry with her for > > always being > > > at least 2 hours late for an appointment and she says " I know why > > you are > > > angry with me. It's because I loved your brothers more than I ever > loved > > > you. " I mean being 2 hours late for everything for 26 years was bad > > but not > > > as bad as that. > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 19, 2008 Report Share Posted June 19, 2008 I like the way you told her exactly why the " apology " was not an apology. I wonder if she'll get it, or just be like oh, I tried to apologize to Emma but she has to hold a grudge, she can't let go of things. . . In a recent conversation with my mil she apologized for things she " doesn't remember " saying. I'm suspicious of this memory lapse, but I don't say anything to her. Because really, nobody knows what is actually going on in someone else's mind. I did say, when you use the word " if " or " but " in an apology, it isn't an apology, it's an excuse. It is impossible to apologize for something if you believe it never happened (ie, don't remember saying it). I did say, I'm not holding the " incident " against you, I'm not nursing a grudge. I'm protecting us from further unpredictable " incidents " by limiting my contact with you. She doesn't get it. Since I told her that I want to limit my contact with her, she's been calling here more often. Thank you caller id, thank you answering machine. I'm not returning her calls. > > Oh man it pisses me off how they either dont apologise or do but in the most insincere > way they can think of!! > > I absolutely HATE that my mum is so ignorant that at the age of 50 she doesnt even have > a clue how to apologise to someone sincerely.... I just have so much trouble respecting > someone who is that ignorant. > > Here's a recent one (gosh its like communicating with a 4yr old): > Nada: " Oh well Im sorry then " (snapping) > Me: " Im not sure what you mean - what are you sorry for exactly? " > Nada: " Oh I dont know... everything! " > Me: " I do not accept your apology - its not sincere and you dont even know what you are > apologising for. " > Nada: " Oh well thanks a lot for that Emma! " (how DARE you not accept my VERY generous > apology) > > Aaaaaaaaagggggggghhhhhhhhh! > > Suppose I should at least be grateful the word sorry came out of her mouth - that doesnt > happen very often at all. > > I totally hear what you are all saying! > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 19, 2008 Report Share Posted June 19, 2008 I don't see it as ignorance -- it's a steadfast refusal to humble themselves and accept responsibility. -Kyla > > Oh man it pisses me off how they either dont apologise or do but in the most insincere > way they can think of!! > > I absolutely HATE that my mum is so ignorant that at the age of 50 she doesnt even have > a clue how to apologise to someone sincerely.... I just have so much trouble respecting > someone who is that ignorant. > > Here's a recent one (gosh its like communicating with a 4yr old): > Nada: " Oh well Im sorry then " (snapping) > Me: " Im not sure what you mean - what are you sorry for exactly? " > Nada: " Oh I dont know... everything! " > Me: " I do not accept your apology - its not sincere and you dont even know what you are > apologising for. " > Nada: " Oh well thanks a lot for that Emma! " (how DARE you not accept my VERY generous > apology) > > Aaaaaaaaagggggggghhhhhhhhh! > > Suppose I should at least be grateful the word sorry came out of her mouth - that doesnt > happen very often at all. > > I totally hear what you are all saying! > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 19, 2008 Report Share Posted June 19, 2008 -- with a little hostility thrown in for good measure! > > > > Oh man it pisses me off how they either dont apologise or do but > in the most insincere > > way they can think of!! > > > > I absolutely HATE that my mum is so ignorant that at the age of 50 > she doesnt even have > > a clue how to apologise to someone sincerely.... I just have so > much trouble respecting > > someone who is that ignorant. > > > > Here's a recent one (gosh its like communicating with a 4yr old): > > Nada: " Oh well Im sorry then " (snapping) > > Me: " Im not sure what you mean - what are you sorry for exactly? " > > Nada: " Oh I dont know... everything! " > > Me: " I do not accept your apology - its not sincere and you dont > even know what you are > > apologising for. " > > Nada: " Oh well thanks a lot for that Emma! " (how DARE you not > accept my VERY generous > > apology) > > > > Aaaaaaaaagggggggghhhhhhhhh! > > > > Suppose I should at least be grateful the word sorry came out of > her mouth - that doesnt > > happen very often at all. > > > > I totally hear what you are all saying! > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 19, 2008 Report Share Posted June 19, 2008 > > how about nada's favourite.. " I'm sorry if you feel that way, but.. " > .. . . I would never do or say anything to hurt you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 20, 2008 Report Share Posted June 20, 2008 Not once has my nada ever apoligized for being wrong, for hurting me and my feelings, for anything wrong that she has done. In her mind she does nothing wrong EVER. Must be a burden being perfect. BPD apologies Has anyone ever had a sincere apology from a BPD? I never have - in fact she uses times when she should apologize as a way to make things much much worse and to twist the knife. For instance, I was angry with her for always being at least 2 hours late for an appointment and she says " I know why you are angry with me. It's because I loved your brothers more than I ever loved you. " I mean being 2 hours late for everything for 26 years was bad but not as bad as that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 22, 2008 Report Share Posted June 22, 2008 > . . . I would never do or say anything to hurt you. > Ugh, I hate that one. It's like my mother's mantra or something. The translation is something like this, " I know that it would be frowned upon if others knew that I did that. I can't bear to think that I could have done something bad, because that means I--my core self--am bad. Therefore, it isn't even possible for me to do that. I would never do that. " Oh yeah, Mom? You'd never hurt me? THEN HOW COME I'M HURT???? HUH? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 22, 2008 Report Share Posted June 22, 2008 " I'm sorry if you feel that way, but.. " LOL - I was just going to write that one too. Classic nada and I agree that the empty appology is just another way for them to reflect any negative feelings back onto us without nada even having to touch it emotionally. Double ugh! > > > > > > Oh man it pisses me off how they either dont apologise or do but > > in the most insincere > > > way they can think of!! > > > > > > I absolutely HATE that my mum is so ignorant that at the age of > 50 > > she doesnt even have > > > a clue how to apologise to someone sincerely.... I just have so > > much trouble respecting > > > someone who is that ignorant. > > > > > > Here's a recent one (gosh its like communicating with a 4yr old): > > > Nada: " Oh well Im sorry then " (snapping) > > > Me: " Im not sure what you mean - what are you sorry for exactly? " > > > Nada: " Oh I dont know... everything! " > > > Me: " I do not accept your apology - its not sincere and you dont > > even know what you are > > > apologising for. " > > > Nada: " Oh well thanks a lot for that Emma! " (how DARE you not > > accept my VERY generous > > > apology) > > > > > > Aaaaaaaaagggggggghhhhhhhhh! > > > > > > Suppose I should at least be grateful the word sorry came out of > > her mouth - that doesnt > > > happen very often at all. > > > > > > I totally hear what you are all saying! > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 23, 2008 Report Share Posted June 23, 2008 I too have never heard an apology.....I think it would actually kill her to apologize. She, on the other hand, says that I have NEVER said I am sorry (her ugly projection). She believes this as a fact. She has said this to me since I was a child and will tell anyone who will listen this..... Funny, I have a sucessful 20 year marriage with a wonderful man, and we are raising 3 mentally healthy young adults....all this with NEVER saying I'm sorry.....not hardly!!! Must be so hard to never say your sorry.......I personally couldn't sleep at night. Its healthy to say sorry so you can let it go.... drlingirl > > Not once has my nada ever apoligized for being wrong, for hurting me and my feelings, for anything wrong that she has done. In her mind she does nothing wrong EVER. Must be a burden being perfect. > > > > BPD apologies > > > Has anyone ever had a sincere apology from a BPD? I never have - in fact she > uses times when she should apologize as a way to make things much much worse > and to twist the knife. For instance, I was angry with her for always being > at least 2 hours late for an appointment and she says " I know why you are > angry with me. It's because I loved your brothers more than I ever loved > you. " I mean being 2 hours late for everything for 26 years was bad but not > as bad as that. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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