Re: I miss my dad

June 17, 2008

((((((((jess)))))

You have my sympathy for the loss of your father. My father died at

56 year of age. Nearly 21 years ago, and I still miss him.

It may not help to hear this now, but you will forgive yourself

someday. Your father knew you and loved you. He knew what you were

up against. Try not to kick yourself for not being able to predict

the future, for not savoring every moment and realizing how fleeting

they were. We all do that from time to time. Remember to let those

people who are precious in your life know how much you care for them

and how much they mean to you. It is one of the best things a father

could have taught his daughter. Be thankful that you learned that

from him as painful as the lesson is to you now.

((((((((jess)))))))

>

> My dad passed away in August of 2005, at age 58. I miss him more

> every single day. I think that the loss of my dad is what has

really

> been the hardest thing for me to get over when it comes to my anger

> at my mother. To be truthful, my dad and I didn't have much of a

> relationship at all. My mom was very much the gatekeeper, though I

> didn't see it at the time. When I was younger, and my mother was

> more sane, my dad was an AWESOME dad. I was very much a daddy's

> girl, he called me his " baby girl, " for my whole life, and it was

> definitely reality. As I got older and my mom became nuts, she

> started interfering with my (and my sis') relationship with my

dad.

> He was in the Navy and so wasn't home all the time, but he wrote us

> wonderful letters, called frequently, and clearly loved us very

> much. As much as he became distant when I was older, I NEVER

doubted

> my dad's love for me. When there was a problem in my life I knew I

> could go to him and he would hug me and be there for me WITOUT

> JUDGING. Anyway, my dad became (I believe) very depressed over the

> years. Having lived with my mom for nearly 38 years, I don't blame

> him! He ended up spending most of his time in his room (they

didn't

> share a room from the time I was 12, supposedly because of " his

> snoring " ). When I called the house to talk, if my dad picked up

the

> phone, my mom would pick up another extension and tell dad to hang

> up. Unfortunately, he always did. If I came over to spend time

and

> was talking with my dad, mom would have an urgent need for my

> help...and I always went.

>

> My mom HATED my dad. She was cruel to him and quite open about

it.

> She blamed him for everything, judged him for everything, and

nothing

> he ever said or did was right. I wish with all my heart he would

> have divorced her and been able to live a happier life. My dad DID

> stand up for me when he witnessed my mom's psycho behavior. He

would

> take me out somewhere, or give me permission to do something if we

> knew she would throw a fit, and in my older years when she would

rail

> on me he would step in with, " That's ENOUGH! " I remember one time

(I

> was 24 years old, by the way) she and my sister had me trapped in a

> room for an " intervention " about the man I was dating, and I was

> crouched in a corner sobbing because of how awful they were being.

> My dad barged in, grabbed me up and hugged me and told them to

stop.

> My mom always called and complained about my dad to me no matter

how

> often I told her to stop. She would say " I'm your MOTHER, " and I

> would say " And HE is my FATHER! "

>

> When he got sick with cancer, he only lasted 6 weeks. During that

> time, my mom got to play martyr. She would sit by his bedside all

> day, directing everything, stroking his head, holding his hand.

All

> of a sudden my dad was painted white...and she LOVED the " grieving

> wife " routine. My grandpa (her dad) had Altzeimers and lived with

> them...and so when my dad was in the hospital (all but 1 week of

his

> 6 week illness) someone had to take care of grandpa. During the

day

> my sister did it (she didn't have a job) and when I got off work I

> had to do it because sis wanted time to go to the hospital. So

when

> did I get to see my dad? Rarely. Only on the weekends and even

then

> my sis and I had to split the time caring for grandpa. I barely

got

> any time with my dad and I will never forgive my mother for being

so

> damn selfish. She didn't even like him, and for me he was my

world,

> the only true unconditional love I had ever felt.

>

> I will never forgive myself for not spending more time with my

dad.

> I will never forgive myself for not telling my mom to hang up the

> damn phone when she picked up. I will never forgive myself for not

> just sitting in his room with him, enjoying the baseball game

> together. I think what kills me the most is that I always WANTED

to

> do those things...but I felt so responsible for my mom AND if I did

> retreat from her or family get-togethers to hang with my dad, I

> got " you're just like your father. " I let what my insane mother

> thought of me dictate the way I treated the only person who has

ever

> loved ME for ME.

>

> I think this is my biggest problem. Sometimes I wish I could just

> die because I must have hurt him so badly. He must have really

> thought I didn't care. I hate that stupid b****. I feel like the

> most disgusting evil person for saying this, but: I wish he was

still

> here and she wasn't.

>

> Sorry...Father's Day dredged up a lot.

>

June 17, 2008

Jess, you can't blame yourself for the horrible problems your mother

caused. You may think you could have done things better, but there was

a reason you didn't-- your mother. I look back at my childhood and

think, " Why didn't I just say, 'who cares what my mother thinks'? " and

do what was best for me. It just isn't that easy. They have emotional

holds over us that are impossible to understand unless you are there, in

the moment.

These are the facts: you did stand up for your father, you did try to

spend time with him when he was in the hospital, you did love him and

appreciate him. He has to have known that.

If you could talk to your father right now, do you really think he would

condemn you in any way for how you acted towards him? He knows what an

impossible situation your mother created for you. He knows that you

loved him. I seriously doubt he would want you to carry around guilt

for things you didn't do. For all you know, if your father were here he

might be thinking just what you are thinking-- that he could have done

more and tried harder and he wishes you knew how much he loves you. But

you do know!

June 18, 2008

Jess,

Thank you so much for sharing about your dad. I understand completely

how you feel when you say you wish he was still here and it was your

nada who was gone. This group is full of people who know exactly

where you're coming from.

Your dad knew how much you loved him, and he knew more about your

nada than you realize. He no doubt saw her hand interfering in your

relationship with him. The fact that he would step in to stop her

berating you with the " That's ENOUGH " - that spoke volumes.

I went NC with my dad for 5 years because of his alcoholism and quite

frankly, because he was such a nasty piece of work that I just cut

him out. He was on marriage #4 (nada was #2) and had 2 girlfriends

and was still drinking but was also going to AA and was trying to

counsel me on my choice of careers (that's what he did for a living)

and to give me AA advice on how to run my own life. I just had enough

and wrote him a long letter enumerating why I was going NC.

Like I said, we were NC for 5 years. But I practically worshipped my

dad when I was a little girl. We have much the same sense of humor,

we look alike, we talk alike...he was a " fun drunk " (if there is such

a thing) and he provided me with a lot of good times when I was a kid

(as opposed to nada, who took the piss out of me every chance she

got). As he got older it began to wear on me that it was a distinct

possibility that while we were NC, he might die (not just age, but

the way he lived). So, with the help of my therapist, we worked on me

getting to a point where I could drop the NC.

When there's a nada in your life, you know how hard it is to get

forgiveness from them. But with my dad - in the 5 years we were NC,

he did the work, he did his program, he completely stopped drinking,

and he welcomed me with open arms and no bitterness after 5 years of

my being NC.

That was 10 years ago this fall. We've had a lot of bumps in our

road. But I don't regret being in contact with him now, even though

he's reverting to his own ways. In the last 10 years I've worked MY

program in Al-Anon too, and have grown, and I'm not perfect and he's

not perfect, but at least we work on ourselves.

If only nada would do the same. I think that's where your frustration

comes in - you see how good your relationship was with your dad, and

so you know it's possible for a parent to be good, but your nada's

not making an effort. It is heartbreaking when we know how good it

COULD BE if nada would just cut the BS and do the work.

((hugs))