Re: New here--feeling relieved and confused

[Guest guest]

Hi Beth. I'm new too. I went through the same thing when I first learned about

BPD last year, thinking maybe I had it too, and my husband assuring me I did

not. I definitely learned some BPD behaviors from my nada, but the difference

is now that I am educated about the disorder I recognize the behaviors and have

worked hard to stop them. My nada will never recognize and change her behavior!

One example was when my three boys were being rowdy in the house, and I was

trying to read. I yelled at them, " Why are you doing this to me? " They stopped

and looked at me funny and then went on playing more quietly. I suddenly

realized they weren't doing anything to me, they were just being kids. I

realized they had no intention to bother or annoy me. Their behavior had

nothing to do with me at all! I realized I had learned from my nada that

everything a child does is about their precious nada -- which of course is

false. Once I had my realization moment, this particular behavior/attitude was

pretty easy to change. Others are not so easy!

Good Luck, Missy

beth571804 wrote: Hi,

I'm Beth, 36 years old, married SAHM, and I think I'm the daughter of

a father with BPD. In the past couple weeks, I've been helping a

friend leave her verbally abusive husband. It's a difficult

situation, made more difficult by the fact that in gathering info on

abuse for her and convincing her that she's not crazy and she's not

over-reacting, I'm recognizing myself in her and my father's behavior

in her husband's.

There's so much I'm not sure what to write. I've always felt like

there was something " wrong " in my FOO, but there was no physical or

sexual abuse, and my parents both told me I was " too sensitive, " or

even that I was the cause of all the problems in the family (I was a

straight-A student, got college scholarships and completed a

Bachelor's degree, never in any trouble, so go figure...) One way my

father tried to " fix " my sensitivity was by forcing me to play

these " games " where he'd make up a sweet little story with my doll,

then make me hit it, tell me it was dead, and the other dolls would

cry and yell at me for killing it. I was around 4 years old, and as

soon as he picked up a doll I'd start crying and begging him not to

make me play, and he'd yell at me for being stupid, it was just a

doll. Both my parents still laugh about it and use it as evidence

that I've always been " too sensitive. " I have a 5 year old, and it

makes me sick to think of anyone ever doing such a thing to her, much

less repeatedly, and laughing about it! I started keeping a diary at

13 because I started wondering if I was crazy--they would do or say

things, then when I brought it up later, I was told I was making it

up.

My father grew up with an abusive/neglectful mother, and is overtly

sexist and racist. If any of us expressed a different opinion on

that, he would scream at us for hours and tell us we were stupid. My

mother would then yell at me for " making " my father say awful things,

because I knew he couldn't back down, therefore I should. My parents

had no friends and we weren't supposed to, either. On the rare

occassions I was allowed to go to a friend's house, my father would

ask, " You didn't tell any family business, did you? " I'd ask what

this big secret was that I was supposed to be hiding, and I'd

get, " There's no secret! Just don't tell anybody anything! " My

father couldn't keep a job because he couldn't deal with anyone in

authority. He was always right, always knew more, and was always

justified in walking off the job for some perceived slight. He would

say completely inappropriate or rude things at family gatherings,

eventually alienating a lot of relatives. He would never apologize

for anything, no matter how outrageous. My sister threatened to kill

herself when she was 6--instead of getting her help, my parents'

response was, " Oh, you just heard that from your sister " (I was a

teen at the time, and probably was suicidal, but I know I would never

have said that in front of her, I tried very hard to protect her).

There's so much more, but that's a little, at least. Still, I feel

like maybe I'm exaggerating, maybe I am dramatic and that's just

normal stuff that happens in families sometimes? It was regular, but

not like it was every single day. I find it impossible to trust my

own impressions. I've gone to counseling, but the usual " counselor-

ese " of " Your feelings are legitimate " doesn't work for me, because

then I get home and think, " But he only knows what I told him, and

what if I'm wrong? What if he just says that because he has to--I

mean, what else is he going to say? 'You're feelings are wrong,

you're childhood was wonderful and you're just whiny'? " And in

reading about BPD, I see some of my own traits, too (I have a hard

time calming myself when I'm angry, rather than getting more upset

because in my head I'm saying, " It's all your fault, you ruined

everything, you always do " )--so maybe my parents were right, maybe

I'm the one with the problem? So, like the subject line, I'm in

turns relieved because I read and feel like " This is dad! This was

the problem! I'm not the only one! " and then other times wondering if

maybe *I'm* the one with BPD (for what it's worth, my husband assures

me I'm not. He says people may pick up behaviors from their parents,

but it doesn't mean you have the whole disorder).

I'd really welcome any thoughts/opinions/advice from those of you who

may be further along in understanding this than I am. Thank you for

listening!

[Guest guest]

THANK YOU!!!!!!!!

You know, I never would've anticipated that having people tell me

that my father was an ass, I was psychologically tortured, and my

parents were f***ed up would feel SO GOOD!!! But I guess if you're

here, you understand! I'm sitting here reading the responses over

and over, laughing out loud and crying, feeling like a huge weight

has been taken off my shoulders. It's NOT my fault! I'm NOT wrong!

*happy dance!*

{{{{Hugs}}} to rinkled, ktelewis, and bink--thank you for confirming

my sanity.

Beth

> >

> > Hi,

> > I'm Beth, 36 years old, married SAHM, and I think I'm the

daughter of

> > a father with BPD. In the past couple weeks, I've been helping a

> > friend leave her verbally abusive husband. It's a difficult

> > situation, made more difficult by the fact that in gathering info

on

> > abuse for her and convincing her that she's not crazy and she's

not

> > over-reacting, I'm recognizing myself in her and my father's

behavior

> > in her husband's.

> >

> > There's so much I'm not sure what to write. I've always felt like

> > there was something " wrong " in my FOO, but there was no physical

or

> > sexual abuse, and my parents both told me I was " too sensitive, "

or

> > even that I was the cause of all the problems in the family (I

was a

> > straight-A student, got college scholarships and completed a

> > Bachelor's degree, never in any trouble, so go figure...) One way

my

> > father tried to " fix " my sensitivity was by forcing me to play

> > these " games " where he'd make up a sweet little story with my

doll,

> > then make me hit it, tell me it was dead, and the other dolls

would

> > cry and yell at me for killing it. I was around 4 years old, and

as

> > soon as he picked up a doll I'd start crying and begging him not

to

> > make me play, and he'd yell at me for being stupid, it was just a

> > doll. Both my parents still laugh about it and use it as

evidence

> > that I've always been " too sensitive. " I have a 5 year old, and

it

> > makes me sick to think of anyone ever doing such a thing to her,

much

> > less repeatedly, and laughing about it! I started keeping a diary

at

> > 13 because I started wondering if I was crazy--they would do or

say

> > things, then when I brought it up later, I was told I was making

it

> > up.

> >

> > My father grew up with an abusive/neglectful mother, and is

overtly

> > sexist and racist. If any of us expressed a different opinion on

> > that, he would scream at us for hours and tell us we were stupid.

My

> > mother would then yell at me for " making " my father say awful

things,

> > because I knew he couldn't back down, therefore I should. My

parents

> > had no friends and we weren't supposed to, either. On the rare

> > occassions I was allowed to go to a friend's house, my father

would

> > ask, " You didn't tell any family business, did you? " I'd ask

what

> > this big secret was that I was supposed to be hiding, and I'd

> > get, " There's no secret! Just don't tell anybody anything! " My

> > father couldn't keep a job because he couldn't deal with anyone

in

> > authority. He was always right, always knew more, and was always

> > justified in walking off the job for some perceived slight. He

would

> > say completely inappropriate or rude things at family gatherings,

> > eventually alienating a lot of relatives. He would never

apologize

> > for anything, no matter how outrageous. My sister threatened to

kill

> > herself when she was 6--instead of getting her help, my parents'

> > response was, " Oh, you just heard that from your sister " (I was a

> > teen at the time, and probably was suicidal, but I know I would

never

> > have said that in front of her, I tried very hard to protect her).

> >

> > There's so much more, but that's a little, at least. Still, I

feel

> > like maybe I'm exaggerating, maybe I am dramatic and that's just

> > normal stuff that happens in families sometimes? It was regular,

but

> > not like it was every single day. I find it impossible to trust

my

> > own impressions. I've gone to counseling, but the

usual " counselor-

> > ese " of " Your feelings are legitimate " doesn't work for me,

because

> > then I get home and think, " But he only knows what I told him,

and

> > what if I'm wrong? What if he just says that because he has to--I

> > mean, what else is he going to say? 'You're feelings are wrong,

> > you're childhood was wonderful and you're just whiny'? " And in

> > reading about BPD, I see some of my own traits, too (I have a

hard

> > time calming myself when I'm angry, rather than getting more

upset

> > because in my head I'm saying, " It's all your fault, you ruined

> > everything, you always do " )--so maybe my parents were right,

maybe

> > I'm the one with the problem? So, like the subject line, I'm in

> > turns relieved because I read and feel like " This is dad! This

was

> > the problem! I'm not the only one! " and then other times

wondering if

> > maybe *I'm* the one with BPD (for what it's worth, my husband

assures

> > me I'm not. He says people may pick up behaviors from their

parents,

> > but it doesn't mean you have the whole disorder).

> >

> > I'd really welcome any thoughts/opinions/advice from those of you

who

> > may be further along in understanding this than I am. Thank you

for

> > listening!

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks for writing, Missy. You're describing where I'm hoping to get

to now that I have a name for what was wrong. I recognize what you're

saying about the incident with your children--I've felt the same! I

hope that the more we learn about this, the more we'll be able to

recognize and eliminate the " fleas. "

Thank you--good luck to you, too!

Beth

Hi,

> I'm Beth, 36 years old, married SAHM, and I think I'm the daughter

of

> a father with BPD. In the past couple weeks, I've been helping a

> friend leave her verbally abusive husband. It's a difficult

> situation, made more difficult by the fact that in gathering info

on

> abuse for her and convincing her that she's not crazy and she's

not

> over-reacting, I'm recognizing myself in her and my father's

behavior

> in her husband's.

>

> There's so much I'm not sure what to write. I've always felt like

> there was something " wrong " in my FOO, but there was no physical

or

> sexual abuse, and my parents both told me I was " too sensitive, "

or

> even that I was the cause of all the problems in the family (I was

a

> straight-A student, got college scholarships and completed a

> Bachelor's degree, never in any trouble, so go figure...) One way

my

> father tried to " fix " my sensitivity was by forcing me to play

> these " games " where he'd make up a sweet little story with my

doll,

> then make me hit it, tell me it was dead, and the other dolls

would

> cry and yell at me for killing it. I was around 4 years old, and

as

> soon as he picked up a doll I'd start crying and begging him not

to

> make me play, and he'd yell at me for being stupid, it was just a

> doll. Both my parents still laugh about it and use it as evidence

> that I've always been " too sensitive. " I have a 5 year old, and it

> makes me sick to think of anyone ever doing such a thing to her,

much

> less repeatedly, and laughing about it! I started keeping a diary

at

> 13 because I started wondering if I was crazy--they would do or

say

> things, then when I brought it up later, I was told I was making

it

> up.

>

> My father grew up with an abusive/neglectful mother, and is

overtly

> sexist and racist. If any of us expressed a different opinion on

> that, he would scream at us for hours and tell us we were stupid.

My

> mother would then yell at me for " making " my father say awful

things,

> because I knew he couldn't back down, therefore I should. My

parents

> had no friends and we weren't supposed to, either. On the rare

> occassions I was allowed to go to a friend's house, my father

would

> ask, " You didn't tell any family business, did you? " I'd ask what

> this big secret was that I was supposed to be hiding, and I'd

> get, " There's no secret! Just don't tell anybody anything! " My

> father couldn't keep a job because he couldn't deal with anyone in

> authority. He was always right, always knew more, and was always

> justified in walking off the job for some perceived slight. He

would

> say completely inappropriate or rude things at family gatherings,

> eventually alienating a lot of relatives. He would never apologize

> for anything, no matter how outrageous. My sister threatened to

kill

> herself when she was 6--instead of getting her help, my parents'

> response was, " Oh, you just heard that from your sister " (I was a

> teen at the time, and probably was suicidal, but I know I would

never

> have said that in front of her, I tried very hard to protect her).

>

> There's so much more, but that's a little, at least. Still, I feel

> like maybe I'm exaggerating, maybe I am dramatic and that's just

> normal stuff that happens in families sometimes? It was regular,

but

> not like it was every single day. I find it impossible to trust my

> own impressions. I've gone to counseling, but the usual " counselor-

> ese " of " Your feelings are legitimate " doesn't work for me,

because

> then I get home and think, " But he only knows what I told him, and

> what if I'm wrong? What if he just says that because he has to--I

> mean, what else is he going to say? 'You're feelings are wrong,

> you're childhood was wonderful and you're just whiny'? " And in

> reading about BPD, I see some of my own traits, too (I have a hard

> time calming myself when I'm angry, rather than getting more upset

> because in my head I'm saying, " It's all your fault, you ruined

> everything, you always do " )--so maybe my parents were right, maybe

> I'm the one with the problem? So, like the subject line, I'm in

> turns relieved because I read and feel like " This is dad! This was

> the problem! I'm not the only one! " and then other times wondering

if

> maybe *I'm* the one with BPD (for what it's worth, my husband

assures

> me I'm not. He says people may pick up behaviors from their

parents,

> but it doesn't mean you have the whole disorder).

>

> I'd really welcome any thoughts/opinions/advice from those of you

who

> may be further along in understanding this than I am. Thank you

for

> listening!

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Beth,

Welcome! You've found the place where your life experiences can be

validated, understood, and believed. We have all gone through eerily

similar things.

As a non-practicing psychologist, I can absolutely and unequivocally

tell you that a father who makes his daughter " kill " a doll and then

all the other dolls " yell " at her for it is the height of emotional

abuse. It may interest you to know that this is something that is

also done in a similar way by adults who sexually abuse children.

This is highly abnormal behavior. And your mother was wrong not to

protect you from this monster.

I urge you to read the book " The Gaslight Effect " because that is

what your parents have done to you. None of this is your fault.

You've finally figured out what's wrong with your father. I urge you

to also read " Stop Walking On Eggshells " and anything else you can

get your hands on about BP. It will be a revelation and will help you

in your recovery. And you can recover.

You are in the right place. Welcome!

>

> Hi,

> I'm Beth, 36 years old, married SAHM, and I think I'm the daughter

of

> a father with BPD. In the past couple weeks, I've been helping a

> friend leave her verbally abusive husband. It's a difficult

> situation, made more difficult by the fact that in gathering info

on

> abuse for her and convincing her that she's not crazy and she's not

> over-reacting, I'm recognizing myself in her and my father's

behavior

> in her husband's.

>

> There's so much I'm not sure what to write. I've always felt like

> there was something " wrong " in my FOO, but there was no physical or

> sexual abuse, and my parents both told me I was " too sensitive, " or

> even that I was the cause of all the problems in the family (I was

a

> straight-A student, got college scholarships and completed a

> Bachelor's degree, never in any trouble, so go figure...) One way

my

> father tried to " fix " my sensitivity was by forcing me to play

> these " games " where he'd make up a sweet little story with my doll,

> then make me hit it, tell me it was dead, and the other dolls would

> cry and yell at me for killing it. I was around 4 years old, and

as

> soon as he picked up a doll I'd start crying and begging him not to

> make me play, and he'd yell at me for being stupid, it was just a

> doll. Both my parents still laugh about it and use it as evidence

> that I've always been " too sensitive. " I have a 5 year old, and it

> makes me sick to think of anyone ever doing such a thing to her,

much

> less repeatedly, and laughing about it! I started keeping a diary

at

> 13 because I started wondering if I was crazy--they would do or say

> things, then when I brought it up later, I was told I was making it

> up.

>

> My father grew up with an abusive/neglectful mother, and is overtly

> sexist and racist. If any of us expressed a different opinion on

> that, he would scream at us for hours and tell us we were stupid.

My

> mother would then yell at me for " making " my father say awful

things,

> because I knew he couldn't back down, therefore I should. My

parents

> had no friends and we weren't supposed to, either. On the rare

> occassions I was allowed to go to a friend's house, my father would

> ask, " You didn't tell any family business, did you? " I'd ask what

> this big secret was that I was supposed to be hiding, and I'd

> get, " There's no secret! Just don't tell anybody anything! " My

> father couldn't keep a job because he couldn't deal with anyone in

> authority. He was always right, always knew more, and was always

> justified in walking off the job for some perceived slight. He

would

> say completely inappropriate or rude things at family gatherings,

> eventually alienating a lot of relatives. He would never apologize

> for anything, no matter how outrageous. My sister threatened to

kill

> herself when she was 6--instead of getting her help, my parents'

> response was, " Oh, you just heard that from your sister " (I was a

> teen at the time, and probably was suicidal, but I know I would

never

> have said that in front of her, I tried very hard to protect her).

>

> There's so much more, but that's a little, at least. Still, I feel

> like maybe I'm exaggerating, maybe I am dramatic and that's just

> normal stuff that happens in families sometimes? It was regular,

but

> not like it was every single day. I find it impossible to trust my

> own impressions. I've gone to counseling, but the usual " counselor-

> ese " of " Your feelings are legitimate " doesn't work for me, because

> then I get home and think, " But he only knows what I told him, and

> what if I'm wrong? What if he just says that because he has to--I

> mean, what else is he going to say? 'You're feelings are wrong,

> you're childhood was wonderful and you're just whiny'? " And in

> reading about BPD, I see some of my own traits, too (I have a hard

> time calming myself when I'm angry, rather than getting more upset

> because in my head I'm saying, " It's all your fault, you ruined

> everything, you always do " )--so maybe my parents were right, maybe

> I'm the one with the problem? So, like the subject line, I'm in

> turns relieved because I read and feel like " This is dad! This was

> the problem! I'm not the only one! " and then other times wondering

if

> maybe *I'm* the one with BPD (for what it's worth, my husband

assures

> me I'm not. He says people may pick up behaviors from their

parents,

> but it doesn't mean you have the whole disorder).

>

> I'd really welcome any thoughts/opinions/advice from those of you

who

> may be further along in understanding this than I am. Thank you

for

> listening!

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Beth!

Welcome to our group, such as it is! You'll find a lot of help and

support here as you come to a new understanding of the old reality.

Your dad's behavior sounds especially familiar, besides mocking

my " sensitivity " , the secretiveness and hostility, we had a different

doll " scene " at my house, and like you I am horrified when I put it

into adult perspective.

Just when you think you've heard it all...! Anyway, we hear you and

believe you and are glad you're here. Don't doubt your sanity any

longer.

[Guest guest]

Thank you, . Oh my goodness, you mean we weren't even the only

ones with a " doll game " ?! Not that I'd wish this on anyone, but it

sure is a relief to know that you weren't the one who was wrong to feel

that way, KWIM? Thank you!

Beth

>

> Hi Beth!

>

> Welcome to our group, such as it is! You'll find a lot of help and

> support here as you come to a new understanding of the old reality.

> Your dad's behavior sounds especially familiar, besides mocking

> my " sensitivity " , the secretiveness and hostility, we had a different

> doll " scene " at my house, and like you I am horrified when I put it

> into adult perspective.

>

> Just when you think you've heard it all...! Anyway, we hear you and

> believe you and are glad you're here. Don't doubt your sanity any

> longer.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Beth, welcome, wow your dad sounds like a piece of work and your mom

sounds like a dishrag. One of the hardest things I've had to deal with is

the " It wasn't that bad " part. My dad said that to me almost constantly - he

was covering for my insane mother - " You don't know what it is to have it

bad. It wasn't that bad. " Guess what? It was bad!!! It was very bad. I'm

getting ready to get a tattoo on my arm to remind me " It WAS that bad. " A

lot of the books I've read say that surviving a childhood with a personality

disordered parent is exactly like surviving a Nazi concentration camp.

That's where I am getting the tat - same place a concentration camp survivor

would have one.

welcom, girlscout

>

> Thank you, . Oh my goodness, you mean we weren't even the only

> ones with a " doll game " ?! Not that I'd wish this on anyone, but it

> sure is a relief to know that you weren't the one who was wrong to feel

> that way, KWIM? Thank you!

> Beth

>

>

> >

> > Hi Beth!

> >

> > Welcome to our group, such as it is! You'll find a lot of help and

> > support here as you come to a new understanding of the old reality.

> > Your dad's behavior sounds especially familiar, besides mocking

> > my " sensitivity " , the secretiveness and hostility, we had a different

> > doll " scene " at my house, and like you I am horrified when I put it

> > into adult perspective.

> >

> > Just when you think you've heard it all...! Anyway, we hear you and

> > believe you and are glad you're here. Don't doubt your sanity any

> > longer.

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

, THANK YOU!!! I can't explain how good it feels to have

someone hear the specifics of my childhood and affirm what I felt--

that he was wrong, not me! It's interesting that you say similar

things are done by sexual abusers--I spent a while confused, because

I had all the emotional signs of sexual abuse, but don't believe I

was ever abused that way (though my father seemed obsessed with a

fear that I would be--still don't know what to make of that...maybe

someday I'll get it all figured out!), but maybe the similar abuse

pattern explains the similar reaction I see in myself. Thank you for

the book suggestions--I have a lot to read and learn, but it's such a

relief to have a name for what was wrong and some idea of where to

start. Thank you so much for the support.

Beth

> >

> > Hi,

> > I'm Beth, 36 years old, married SAHM, and I think I'm the

daughter

> of

> > a father with BPD. In the past couple weeks, I've been helping a

> > friend leave her verbally abusive husband. It's a difficult

> > situation, made more difficult by the fact that in gathering info

> on

> > abuse for her and convincing her that she's not crazy and she's

not

> > over-reacting, I'm recognizing myself in her and my father's

> behavior

> > in her husband's.

> >

> > There's so much I'm not sure what to write. I've always felt like

> > there was something " wrong " in my FOO, but there was no physical

or

> > sexual abuse, and my parents both told me I was " too sensitive, "

or

> > even that I was the cause of all the problems in the family (I

was

> a

> > straight-A student, got college scholarships and completed a

> > Bachelor's degree, never in any trouble, so go figure...) One way

> my

> > father tried to " fix " my sensitivity was by forcing me to play

> > these " games " where he'd make up a sweet little story with my

doll,

> > then make me hit it, tell me it was dead, and the other dolls

would

> > cry and yell at me for killing it. I was around 4 years old, and

> as

> > soon as he picked up a doll I'd start crying and begging him not

to

> > make me play, and he'd yell at me for being stupid, it was just a

> > doll. Both my parents still laugh about it and use it as

evidence

> > that I've always been " too sensitive. " I have a 5 year old, and

it

> > makes me sick to think of anyone ever doing such a thing to her,

> much

> > less repeatedly, and laughing about it! I started keeping a diary

> at

> > 13 because I started wondering if I was crazy--they would do or

say

> > things, then when I brought it up later, I was told I was making

it

> > up.

> >

> > My father grew up with an abusive/neglectful mother, and is

overtly

> > sexist and racist. If any of us expressed a different opinion on

> > that, he would scream at us for hours and tell us we were stupid.

> My

> > mother would then yell at me for " making " my father say awful

> things,

> > because I knew he couldn't back down, therefore I should. My

> parents

> > had no friends and we weren't supposed to, either. On the rare

> > occassions I was allowed to go to a friend's house, my father

would

> > ask, " You didn't tell any family business, did you? " I'd ask

what

> > this big secret was that I was supposed to be hiding, and I'd

> > get, " There's no secret! Just don't tell anybody anything! " My

> > father couldn't keep a job because he couldn't deal with anyone

in

> > authority. He was always right, always knew more, and was always

> > justified in walking off the job for some perceived slight. He

> would

> > say completely inappropriate or rude things at family gatherings,

> > eventually alienating a lot of relatives. He would never

apologize

> > for anything, no matter how outrageous. My sister threatened to

> kill

> > herself when she was 6--instead of getting her help, my parents'

> > response was, " Oh, you just heard that from your sister " (I was a

> > teen at the time, and probably was suicidal, but I know I would

> never

> > have said that in front of her, I tried very hard to protect her).

> >

> > There's so much more, but that's a little, at least. Still, I

feel

> > like maybe I'm exaggerating, maybe I am dramatic and that's just

> > normal stuff that happens in families sometimes? It was regular,

> but

> > not like it was every single day. I find it impossible to trust

my

> > own impressions. I've gone to counseling, but the

usual " counselor-

> > ese " of " Your feelings are legitimate " doesn't work for me,

because

> > then I get home and think, " But he only knows what I told him,

and

> > what if I'm wrong? What if he just says that because he has to--I

> > mean, what else is he going to say? 'You're feelings are wrong,

> > you're childhood was wonderful and you're just whiny'? " And in

> > reading about BPD, I see some of my own traits, too (I have a

hard

> > time calming myself when I'm angry, rather than getting more

upset

> > because in my head I'm saying, " It's all your fault, you ruined

> > everything, you always do " )--so maybe my parents were right,

maybe

> > I'm the one with the problem? So, like the subject line, I'm in

> > turns relieved because I read and feel like " This is dad! This

was

> > the problem! I'm not the only one! " and then other times

wondering

> if

> > maybe *I'm* the one with BPD (for what it's worth, my husband

> assures

> > me I'm not. He says people may pick up behaviors from their

> parents,

> > but it doesn't mean you have the whole disorder).

> >

> > I'd really welcome any thoughts/opinions/advice from those of you

> who

> > may be further along in understanding this than I am. Thank you

> for

> > listening!

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hey Beth-

So glad that you joined us. I remember the same feeling of amazing

relief when I found this site two years ago. I came here to deal with

a bro who I thought might maybe have some kind of personality disorder.

As I read story after story I realized that yes, he has BPD, and that

my raging bizarre father also had BPD. In my house, it was my bro who

tortured the dolls (then complained I had no sense of humor about it)

and my dad who was creepily obsessed with me. I still remember the

wave of horror that passed over the dinner table one night when I was

about 12 and I looked up to find him staring at me. " Your lips are

so....red " he murmured in this weird, husky voice. BLLLARRRGGHHH! I

can still see the way his fat cheeks shone in the lamplight, the piece

of corn hanging off his chin. Of course, my mom went into instant

denial mode and started talking brightly about something else.

Still makes the hair lift the back of my neck to think about it.

Then, after about a year reading this site, I started thinking isn't

it funny how my mother who of course MUST be perfectly normal because

that's what she always told me, has done so many of the same things as

all these other mothers with BPD? I'd think Wow! my mom did something

just as crazy and hurtful as that, but of course that was an isolated

incident. Okay, maybe a half-dozen such incidents. Okay, actually,

several dozens such incidents. Right, okay, maybe 100 such incidents.

It took a while for the other shoe to drop, but I finally realized

that she has the disorder, too.

Yes, they are all crazy. And I am not. Like you, I had a hard time

believing this at first. It sounds implausible, doesn't it? " I'm

having trouble with my family, and it's all their fault because they

are crazy " .

But really it makes sense. He's BPD, she's narcisstic and BPD, they

are both highly functioning (well, most of the time). It's a recipe

for a whirlwind romance! And my bro fell prey to abuse and genetics.

It's a bullet I mercifully dodged (the genetics, that is. The abuse I

got three-fold).

And think - here are you, this person in their midst, who they know

deep down in their twisty minds is actually sane, who has the

potential to escape their misery and be happy. You are loving, you are

giving, you have emotions they can not feel, you respond to them and

care about them when no-one else does -- how can they resist trying to

shoot you down? My mother actually said to me once " I know that you

are being abused, but you are stronger than we are so I know that you

can take it better than I can take admitting that it is

happening...this is really hard on me! " then she asked me to hug her.

Welcome to you, welcome to the site, I hope it helps you to see your

story repeated by so many other people. Yes, it's weirdly comforting

to realize other people had parents just as spooky and weird as yours,

and in the exact same way!!!

Yes, I was called " too sensitive " , when they deliberately teased me to

the point of tears I " couldn't take a joke " , I too was not exactly

sexually abused by my dad, but that same creepiness was in the air all

around me. Boundaries constantly violated in all kinds of odd ways.

It's hard to put into words, but I honestly don't think it occurred to

any of them that I was separate person from them, with my own rights

and needs. When I tried to explain this to my BPD bro recently before

going NC (no contact) he actually responded " Rights? You have no

rights! Respect? I've decided you don't deserve any respect! You

should crawl before me on your knees!! "

Then he wonders why I don't love him and want to visit him!

So sorry you've had the BPD craziness to deal with as well, but I

promise you this site will help you.

Letty

> > >

> > > Hi Beth!

> > >

> > > Welcome to our group, such as it is! You'll find a lot of help and

> > > support here as you come to a new understanding of the old reality.

> > > Your dad's behavior sounds especially familiar, besides mocking

> > > my " sensitivity " , the secretiveness and hostility, we had a

different

> > > doll " scene " at my house, and like you I am horrified when I put it

> > > into adult perspective.

> > >

> > > Just when you think you've heard it all...! Anyway, we hear you and

> > > believe you and are glad you're here. Don't doubt your sanity any

> > > longer.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

people assume i have been sexually abused as well. i don't like

strangers to touch me. i don't like people who want to force me to

hug them. i'm totally affectionate to my husband, but that's about

it. i notice sexual tension. i have tons of friends who have been

sexually abused. i don't know if this is because it's that common or

because i'm sometimes a mom/dad surogate for my friends (i was living

in a different city for a while and one of my friends emailed that i

needed to come back because i " provided stability " ).

my case is kind of weird because the one who was weird about

sexuality was my mom. i'm a girl, but she expected me to fill the

role of my dad when they got divorced. i have done some research

into this and there's a thing called covert or emotional incest.

it's when you just get the heebeejeebees, but nothing has ever

happened.

don't know if that's anything like what you've felt, but if it is,

then check it out.

bink

> > >

> > > Hi,

> > > I'm Beth, 36 years old, married SAHM, and I think I'm the

> daughter

> > of

> > > a father with BPD. In the past couple weeks, I've been helping

a

> > > friend leave her verbally abusive husband. It's a difficult

> > > situation, made more difficult by the fact that in gathering

info

> > on

> > > abuse for her and convincing her that she's not crazy and she's

> not

> > > over-reacting, I'm recognizing myself in her and my father's

> > behavior

> > > in her husband's.

> > >

> > > There's so much I'm not sure what to write. I've always felt

like

> > > there was something " wrong " in my FOO, but there was no

physical

> or

> > > sexual abuse, and my parents both told me I was " too

sensitive, "

> or

> > > even that I was the cause of all the problems in the family (I

> was

> > a

> > > straight-A student, got college scholarships and completed a

> > > Bachelor's degree, never in any trouble, so go figure...) One

way

> > my

> > > father tried to " fix " my sensitivity was by forcing me to play

> > > these " games " where he'd make up a sweet little story with my

> doll,

> > > then make me hit it, tell me it was dead, and the other dolls

> would

> > > cry and yell at me for killing it. I was around 4 years old,

and

> > as

> > > soon as he picked up a doll I'd start crying and begging him

not

> to

> > > make me play, and he'd yell at me for being stupid, it was just

a

> > > doll. Both my parents still laugh about it and use it as

> evidence

> > > that I've always been " too sensitive. " I have a 5 year old, and

> it

> > > makes me sick to think of anyone ever doing such a thing to

her,

> > much

> > > less repeatedly, and laughing about it! I started keeping a

diary

> > at

> > > 13 because I started wondering if I was crazy--they would do or

> say

> > > things, then when I brought it up later, I was told I was

making

> it

> > > up.

> > >

> > > My father grew up with an abusive/neglectful mother, and is

> overtly

> > > sexist and racist. If any of us expressed a different opinion

on

> > > that, he would scream at us for hours and tell us we were

stupid.

> > My

> > > mother would then yell at me for " making " my father say awful

> > things,

> > > because I knew he couldn't back down, therefore I should. My

> > parents

> > > had no friends and we weren't supposed to, either. On the rare

> > > occassions I was allowed to go to a friend's house, my father

> would

> > > ask, " You didn't tell any family business, did you? " I'd ask

> what

> > > this big secret was that I was supposed to be hiding, and I'd

> > > get, " There's no secret! Just don't tell anybody anything! "

My

> > > father couldn't keep a job because he couldn't deal with anyone

> in

> > > authority. He was always right, always knew more, and was

always

> > > justified in walking off the job for some perceived slight. He

> > would

> > > say completely inappropriate or rude things at family

gatherings,

> > > eventually alienating a lot of relatives. He would never

> apologize

> > > for anything, no matter how outrageous. My sister threatened to

> > kill

> > > herself when she was 6--instead of getting her help, my

parents'

> > > response was, " Oh, you just heard that from your sister " (I was

a

> > > teen at the time, and probably was suicidal, but I know I would

> > never

> > > have said that in front of her, I tried very hard to protect

her).

> > >

> > > There's so much more, but that's a little, at least. Still, I

> feel

> > > like maybe I'm exaggerating, maybe I am dramatic and that's

just

> > > normal stuff that happens in families sometimes? It was

regular,

> > but

> > > not like it was every single day. I find it impossible to trust

> my

> > > own impressions. I've gone to counseling, but the

> usual " counselor-

> > > ese " of " Your feelings are legitimate " doesn't work for me,

> because

> > > then I get home and think, " But he only knows what I told him,

> and

> > > what if I'm wrong? What if he just says that because he has to--

I

> > > mean, what else is he going to say? 'You're feelings are wrong,

> > > you're childhood was wonderful and you're just whiny'? " And in

> > > reading about BPD, I see some of my own traits, too (I have a

> hard

> > > time calming myself when I'm angry, rather than getting more

> upset

> > > because in my head I'm saying, " It's all your fault, you ruined

> > > everything, you always do " )--so maybe my parents were right,

> maybe

> > > I'm the one with the problem? So, like the subject line, I'm

in

> > > turns relieved because I read and feel like " This is dad! This

> was

> > > the problem! I'm not the only one! " and then other times

> wondering

> > if

> > > maybe *I'm* the one with BPD (for what it's worth, my husband

> > assures

> > > me I'm not. He says people may pick up behaviors from their

> > parents,

> > > but it doesn't mean you have the whole disorder).

> > >

> > > I'd really welcome any thoughts/opinions/advice from those of

you

> > who

> > > may be further along in understanding this than I am. Thank

you

> > for

> > > listening!

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

> *happy dance!*

>

I have this thing I do at times and I call it " the happy dance " too!

I just get so surprised at similarities on this forum. :-)

[Guest guest]

" It was him that was overtly abusive, but SHE was the one that told

me what I was witnessing/experiencing didn't happen, and that I was

crazy. "

Yes, Mayalisa, I can relate to what you're saying there so much! It

was very confusing (still is at times), because I remember times when

I was a teen just hating my mother and seeing my father as a victim

(even tho he was still the one raging at and demeaning me), because

mom was the one telling me as he was doing it, " He loves you more

than anyone, you're his little princess, how could you ever be angry

at him? " --so I'd believe her and then blame her! Other times, I

hated him and saw her as the victim, wishing she'd leave him and

start her own life. Only very recently am I beginning to see that

they were (and are--still married after 30+ years, still acting awful

to each other!) engaged in this sick dance with each other, and the

only victims were my sister and I!

So much of your post sounded so familiar to me. It's very reassuring

to realize I wasn't crazy or wrong! Thank you!

Beth

>

> I am the child of a bpd fada too, and I can relate to so much of

> what you shared. I was a very sensitive child as well. I think

> sensitivity level is inborn and you can't change it in a child, you

> can only destroy that child.

>

> My father had the same instability with jobs. He has the same

> xenophobia and authoritarianism in a general sense, but like yours

> can't deal with authority figures on a personal level. One thing

> I've understood since being on the board here is that everything

> that happens in the microcosm of our bpd families is evident in the

> larger world. It's helped me understand the 'ism's of xenophobia as

> motivated by the same urge to displace negativity that motivate a

> parent to paint one child as 'all black' and one as 'all white. So

> it's really no surprise that a person that designates and enemy

> within the family (the painted black child) would designate one

> outside of the family too (whatever race or sex or religion the

> family member is against). These folks can't freaking deal with

> their own demons and their whole lives are spent projecting on to

> individuals as well as whole groups of people.

>

> I am so sorry that he did that with your dolls. I would have found

> that very hurtful, and to me it seems more like the bully child of

> an abusive parent acting out with a younger sibling, than anything

> fatherly, and just plain moronic. And that your mother did not

> intervene. One thing I am coping with now is my mother's enabling

of

> his behavior. I'd have been better off in some ways if not for her.

> It was him that was overtly abusive, but SHE was the one that told

> me what I was witnessing/experiencing didn't happen, and that I was

> crazy. She took my self-esteem away from me, my confidence in my

> perceptions. So it is like a double-edged sword. I am glad you are

> here and are working your way out of the darkness. Hugs.

>