RE: nada text me after 7mths NC

[Guest guest]

Josafina,

Whitfield said in his book " Boundaries and Relationships " " A key to my

boundaries is knowning my inner life. My inner life includes my beliefs,

thoughts, feelings, decisions, choices and experiences. It also includes my

wants, needs, sensations within my body. If I am unaware of or out of touch with

my inner life, (numb) I can't know all of my boundaries and limits. When I am

aware of my inner life, I can more readily know my boundaries. "

I think you are where I was a few months ago after going LC with my Nada. I felt

numb towards her. Then my numbness turned to anger. What I found out is anger

separates. I was so enmeshed with her I was numb; however, when I allowed myself

to feel angry, sad, and down right screaming mad at times about what she had

allowed herself to do to me and what I had allowed her to continue to do to me

as an adult. This anger lasted a while but it helped me separate from her. What

I learned was anger separated. You cannot truly love someone unless there is

freedom to not love them. You might not have freedom at this point to not love

her because you haven't completely separated from her, worked through all your

hurt and pain, and then thought about how you can maintain a relationship with

her by keeping your boundaries. For weeks I would say to my husband, " I hate

her " ; " I cannot stand her " ; " I don't care if I ever see her again. " And I meant

every word I said. I remember when we first started talking again she would say

a quick " I love you " before getting off the phone and I still felt numb.

Sometimes I would repeat it back to her just in words. I learned from Dr. Henry

Cloud and Dr. Townsend that love protects the separateness of the other.

When we are in relationship, the we is still you and me. A safe connection

invovles two people trusting, opening up, and being honest with each other. Yet

the second greate theme of relaitonship, after connection, is separateness. Love

withers and dies without separateness. It is simply impossible to connect if you

are not free to disagree. That kind of love is compliance and people-pleasing.

it is not real love. The opposite of separateness is enmeshment. In enmeshment,

one person feels threatened by the individuality of the other, and actively

seeks to control the other by intimidating or manipulating them. They say safe

people respect your no, do not withdraw emotionally when you say no, do not get

hurt and make you feel guilty when you say no, have a life and interests

separate from you, and encourage you to also have a separate life.Their book

Safe People and Boundaries has really helped me.

Kelley

To: WTOAdultChildren1@...: saidaq@...: Mon, 31 Dec

2007 20:59:18 -0600Subject: nada text me after 7mths NC

I need some adviceI have been NC since May 7, 07. My nada has called me in the

past and Isimply cut her off quickly.She apologized for what she had done but in

these words, " if it was that badI'm sorry " .I never explained why I left the

state or why I don't even speak with her. Ibelieve she knows and understandswhat

she has done. My first step in going NC was when I hung up on her.Since then I

spoken to her maybe twice. Once when she caught me off guardsleeping and another

time when the caller ID said private.I don't answer any of her calls otherwise.

She recently text me saying " Ilove you " . I didn't respond. two days later she

text me again with a passagefrom our sacred book. I didn't reply.I remember her

being my world when I was younger even as I grew older. WhenI went NC at first I

was sick to my stomach.I would have reoccurring dreams with her same behaviors.

In my dreams shewould act up yelling at me. At other times she would cry in my

dreams.Finally after being with the therapist for a while I began to realize in

mydreams that I didn't have to put up with her treating me like a child, I'm38.

My emotions were very strong in the dreams.I was wondering if I should write her

or keep on with how I'm doing now. I'ma bit worried because my friend said to

simply write " I love you too " andleave it at that. Problem is that I don't feel

I love her anymore. I feelnothing. Numb.I can't write a lie. Now I wonder if I

ever loved her. Was it ever love? Iwas enmeshed with her. Once she didn't have

control over how I did thingsshe began doing things like me. If I had or bought

anything she had to haveor do the same. I tried to keep her happy but you all

know how it goes, it'snever enough.How do you know it's time to talk? What if I

never have affection for herever again?She is the only family I have ever had

because she isolated me. I have allmy kids tho and they want nothing to do with

her.I'm in thought wondering if I should text anything back. I know she istrying

to reach out. I also don't know if I'm ready. How did some of youdeal with

this?fina

[Guest guest]

Hey --

I could have written your post -- it perfectly encapsulates the

current state of my relationship with my mother at the moment.

And as for the " I love you " issue -- I've shortened mine to a

chirpy " Love you, too " -- just a trained response at this point --

and I truly think my mom thinks that her status as mother

automatically entitles her to automatic " love " from me. She even

throws out comments about her own mother that I'm sure have hidden

meaning for me. Like when mom was being summoned to play slave to

her mother (who refused to hire help, even though she shouldn't have

been living alone anymore), my mom would say " Oh, I am DREADING

this, I do NOT want to go into that again, but, she's MY MOTHER, so

what could I say? "

My mom does NOTHING to nurture a relationship with me, yet EXPECTS

that I will have this deep, abiding love for her, simply due to the

fact that she gave birth to me. She can alternately accept me and

reject me without warning, and that's not supposed to affect me at

all. All she has to do is say, but I'm your MOTHER -- or get my dad

to say " SHE'S YOUR MOTHER!!! " (because mom is currently in Silent

Treatment mode)

Fantasy land.....They really don't have a clue about how to build a

true relationship, do they? And, to be fair, I struggle with it

myself, but I darn sure have a relationship with my daughter that is

different, so I trust that over the years, We'll still laugh about

funny stuff together, She's got her own life, I won't be a burden to

her, I'll come when she needs help, and she'll want to come around

because we enjoy each other's company.

-Kyla