Re: Does anyone feel anxiety about inheriting a trait your nada or fada had??

December 30, 2007

,

Yes - just tonight I was thinking to myself how I hope I never become

like her. I am terrified of somehow turning into her, or the kind of

mom she was.

I have a two year old, and a four month old. My two year old was

driving me nuts tonight, and my four month old was as sweet as could

be. My nada used to tell me I was her favorite. I had a moment where I

was frustrated, and almost to lighten my mood, thought, " Oh, the baby

is my favorite! " I only thought this because the baby had colic for

months, and I was terrified I wouldn't bond with her. It just felt

ironic to feel like she was the one I was getting along with for once,

because for months it was my angel of a two year old alongside a

colicky baby. But, in that moment, I thought, " OH NO! I am like nada!

I will favor one child and she will know it... no! " In reality, I

think I felt a moment of irony, or at least I'll call it that. Maybe

it was a flea, but at least I caught myself, whether it was motivated

by a sense of irony or not.

What I am saying is that yes, a huge fear of mine is that I was so

emeshed with her that I am somehow tainted. I think that is one of the

reasons I have such low self esteem. I feel tainted because I feel as

if my brain was wacked with from birth, and my mind messed with from

the start. My worldview and my sense of how I saw others and myself

was so off from day one, I am concerned that I will not be able to

balance.

BUT - I know I will. We are not BP's, and we are on a quest to become

healthier individuals.

Hang in there. It's scary, but it sounds like you have a great support

system in terms of reassurance that you are not in any way like your nada.

Grace

>

> I really did not know how to word this question. I 100% do not want to

> inherit any traits from my nada but, what happens if one day I wake up

> and my brain chemistry has absorbed so much from her, that I start

> doing some things like her? Does that make sense? My husband and even

> my husband's family say I am nothing like her and never will be like

> her. My grandmother was a positive role model and people say I take

> after her, god I pray so! The anxiety level is huge, I often catch

> myself double checking my sense of self, to make sure not even a hint

> of her has come through in me. Will therapy help? Because I was

> diagnosed with cancer at age 13, I have experienced therapy but, never

> really to focus on issues about my mother. Isn't that strange? It was

> like I thought she could her me. All my life she guilted me into

> sharing every detail about my life, my conversations, everything with

> her. Therefore, maybe by avoiding talking about her in therapy I

> wouldn't have to talk to her about it. Just wondering if anyone felt

> this way or how to work on these feelings. Thank you.

>

December 31, 2007

Hey, --

Take a deep breath -- you're worrying about something that's not

likely to happen. If you educate yourself about BPD, re-map the

flawed thinking that was instilled in you, have the courage to

initially set boundaries and " police " them to keep them in place,

these connections in your brain will be " remapped " and you will move

even further away from becoming a BPD like your mother.

BPD is largely a condition brought about by someone who fails to

regulate their emotions -- they push themselves into every situation

and have very little empathy for the effect this has on the other

people in the line of fire. You don't sound ANYTHING like someone

like that.

Having said that, in my own experience I DID have a flea of not

speaking up when I should have, then BLASTING everybody when it got

to be too much. That behavior was role modeled by my mother and I

didn't have a more healthy role model. But since I've discovered

BPD and this board, and realize that I'm not alone, and that I DO

have control over how I conduct myself, I have changed! Just that

quickly! I'm a better wife, mother and friend -- I realize the

world doesn't revolve around whether or not I'm having a " feeling "

(Not that I was as severe as my mother, but I did suffer that

flea).

I now regulate my emotions to have consideration for others -- that

they have the right to conduct their lives as they choose, and I

have the right to decide whether or not I choose to spend time with

them anymore. Others have the right to make their decisions without

any wrath coming from me. (In the past, I usually ended up

embarrassing myself after an emotional meltdown anyway! I've

learned that there are 2 sides to every story, that I could have

some facts wrong, that not everybody's " out to get " me...etc...)

The fact that you're doing this soul searching is probably the BEST

indicator that you DON'T have BPD -- just probably some flea-bites

from being raised by such an emotionally out of control mother --

someone who had power over you and chose to abuse it.

You can dig your way out of this, and it doesn't have to take

another lifetime. Reconstructing your reactions to your mother will

have a ripple effect on your other relationships out in the world.

Your brain will remap how it assesses human interactions. You'll

then have new " instincts " based on your incorporating this new

information and behaviors.

You're going to be fine.

-Kyla

December 31, 2007

Let's all be aware that within each KO, there is the heart of

hearts, that knows itself. It may have been buried very deeply, to

be protected. But it is there, it lives, and it is what keeps us

going even in our saddest moments. It is what takes us to the self-

help section of the book store, has us surfing on the web until we

found this site, observes and analyzes others to find the answer to

our situation. It has been bruised terribly, but it is still the

lifeforce that sustains us.

Sylvia

> >

> > I really did not know how to word this question. I 100% do not

want to

> > inherit any traits from my nada but, what happens if one day I

wake up

> > and my brain chemistry has absorbed so much from her, that I

start

> > doing some things like her? Does that make sense? My husband

and even

> > my husband's family say I am nothing like her and never will be

like

> > her. My grandmother was a positive role model and people say I

take

> > after her, god I pray so! The anxiety level is huge, I often

catch

> > myself double checking my sense of self, to make sure not even a

hint

> > of her has come through in me. Will therapy help? Because I

was

> > diagnosed with cancer at age 13, I have experienced therapy but,

never

> > really to focus on issues about my mother. Isn't that strange?

It was

> > like I thought she could her me. All my life she guilted me

into

> > sharing every detail about my life, my conversations, everything

with

> > her. Therefore, maybe by avoiding talking about her in therapy

I

> > wouldn't have to talk to her about it. Just wondering if anyone

felt

> > this way or how to work on these feelings. Thank you.

> >

>

January 2, 2008

I meant to reply to this earlier Sylvia--this was a beautiful post and very

encouraging to read:)

smhtrain2 wrote: Let's all be aware that within

each KO, there is the heart of

hearts, that knows itself. It may have been buried very deeply, to

be protected. But it is there, it lives, and it is what keeps us

going even in our saddest moments. It is what takes us to the self-

help section of the book store, has us surfing on the web until we

found this site, observes and analyzes others to find the answer to

our situation. It has been bruised terribly, but it is still the

lifeforce that sustains us.

Sylvia

> >

> > I really did not know how to word this question. I 100% do not

want to

> > inherit any traits from my nada but, what happens if one day I

wake up

> > and my brain chemistry has absorbed so much from her, that I

start

> > doing some things like her? Does that make sense? My husband

and even

> > my husband's family say I am nothing like her and never will be

like

> > her. My grandmother was a positive role model and people say I

take

> > after her, god I pray so! The anxiety level is huge, I often

catch

> > myself double checking my sense of self, to make sure not even a

hint

> > of her has come through in me. Will therapy help? Because I

was

> > diagnosed with cancer at age 13, I have experienced therapy but,

never

> > really to focus on issues about my mother. Isn't that strange?

It was

> > like I thought she could her me. All my life she guilted me

into

> > sharing every detail about my life, my conversations, everything

with

> > her. Therefore, maybe by avoiding talking about her in therapy

I

> > wouldn't have to talk to her about it. Just wondering if anyone

felt

> > this way or how to work on these feelings. Thank you.

> >

>

---------------------------------

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January 2, 2008

Hello -

I think everyone here worries about that. I know that I do. Actually,

learning about this disorder has in some ways made me more worried,

not less. You know, as odd, difficult, and potentially violent as my

family was, I thought of them as troubled but more or less normal.

Because of course whatever you learn about it normal.

But when I learned about BPD, it was like oh, I get it! They are

actually certifiably crazy! It all made sense. First there was a huge

wave of relief, then some doubt crept in. If they are crazy, what

about me?

I mean sure, I've done much better than anyone else in the family, I

have a wonderful husband and many dear interesting friends. People

generally like me, I run my own business, and have a fair amount of

fame in my chosen field.

But wait, am I somehow crazy under all that???

Like you, my husband and friends just laugh when I bring it up. But

when I see a little trait in myself that seems like a family trait,

I'll freak out.

I think the important thing to remember is that everyone has these

traits to some degree, but in BPD it's blown way out of scale. Like

when we might feel a bit sorry for ourselves then snap out of it, they

become martyrs and make sure everyone around them suffers just as much

as they are.

I don't think we can help our thoughts and feelings, only how we train

them and put them into action.

I also sometimes feel a sense of being " damaged goods " . For example, a

lot of my pals come from large, loving, happy families where everyone

is pretty darn successful. A few are even from famously prominent

families. So they look at that and it gives them strength and pride in

themselves, like " this is what I come from, so this is what I too am " .

It's a bit different in an abusive family! More like " This is what I

came from, this is what good I could salvage, and this large chunk

here is what I fear and flee... "

Letty