Re: the drama never ends.-update.---need your thoughts.

[Guest guest]

Well, my sister did end up going on the trip with my mom.

when susie went to see mom last night, she was over there for 3

hours, during which NADA solidified my sisters guilty decision to go

on the trip.

but here is one funny thing...

i guess they had some kind of long talk. and susie actually told mom

that when she thinks of her childhood, that she remembers living out

of " FEAR, OBLIGATION, and GUILT " . FOG! after susie said that mom

didn't say ANYTHING. almost like she wasn't surprised....her plan had

worked.

Later in the night NADA made some kind of sarcastic remark about what

susie said, but that was all.

i think mom knows what shes done but of course will never admit it.

before susie went over there i was talking with her and told her

about fog. i guess it made sense to her so she just told NADA! to say

something like that to NADA is not something i would dare to do, but

mom will often tolerate more of that kind of stuff from susie rather

than me because growing up susie was painted black, and I guess

her " expectations " of susie are lower than of me.

when susie came back from moms she was in a much better mood, and was

laughing and joking. she simply said " i don't care anymore, im not

going to hold back any more. i know i have to set more limits and she

is just going to have to deal with it " . im so proud of my sister.

but the boundaries and limits didn't work for me. i think its for the

same reason i mentioned above, that i was painted white growing up

and susie was painted black, so what NADA is willing to tolerate is

different with each kid. has anyone had this issue?

>

> One more thing: start a Holiday Journal!!

>

> -Kyla

>

[Guest guest]

YES! My brother was the one who acted out in his teen years, and

was a HANDFUL to my parents. Now, he's got his act together and

doesn't give a hoot if my dad tries to bully him to come over and

see them. My brother just does whatever he chooses, and doesn't

care if it makes them mad. And he's still in their good graces.

And my brother will tell Nada off in a heartbeat -- fada, too! My

brother says stuff I WISH I could say to them. He's unafraid, and

they still welcome him back.

You've seen what happens when I try to speak my mind to them! I get

a " fiery screamer " in return! They never call me -- and berate me

for not calling them. Yet, my brother? My dad calls him 2 or 3

times a day, stops by when he feels like a visit.

So, yes, I have that two-tier system going in my life, too! Double

standard everywhere you look.

In time, you might find that makes you the lucky one!

Your sister may have more difficulty extracting herself from nada.

Although, from the sounds of what's going on now, there's hope for

your sister, too!

-Kyla

[Guest guest]

bink -- I'm so sorry she hit you, and I'm so glad to see you stood up

for yourself. Sounds like you're in a good place. It gives hope to

anyone reading this board who is enduring what you did.

-Kyla

[Guest guest]

Sara Jo, that's funny about the painted black vs. white. I was

thinking the same thing about my sister and I. My sister can rant,

rave, yell and swear at my parents. And they just brush it off.

Because my sister has always been dramatic...always been as you say

the painted black one. Me I have a calm conversation about my

feelings and I don't hear the end of it, my dad doesn't believe me,

he'll take my mom's side when my mom changes her story and lies. I

was the good student, always responsible, painted white. So as you

said I guess they expect more out of me. They expect me to keep my

mouth shut, not rock the boat, stay calm, etc Now that I'm speaking

up for myself and will keep my distance if need be, they can't stand

it.

Jill

> >

> > One more thing: start a Holiday Journal!!

> >

> > -Kyla

> >

>

[Guest guest]

thanks kyla. it's really bizarre to finally acknowledge all this

stuff that has happened once and for all. i seriously never believed

that anyone could possibly have a childhood as weird as mine, but this

board has banished that notion!

bink

>

> bink -- I'm so sorry she hit you, and I'm so glad to see you stood up

> for yourself. Sounds like you're in a good place. It gives hope to

> anyone reading this board who is enduring what you did.

>

> -Kyla

>

[Guest guest]

I think what is so confusing for your parents is that they don't

know what to think about you any more. Since your sister was

painted black, they could accept such treatment. But since they

need to see you as white - all good - they don't know how to handle

you when you voice your own opinions and stand up for yourself.

You are right - they can't stand it. You are rocking their

fictional world, and they just can't handle it.

Sylvia

> > >

> > > One more thing: start a Holiday Journal!!

> > >

> > > -Kyla

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Isn't that a wonderful truth? People who actually understand what

life with a nada is like. I'm grateful for everyone on this board -

thank you!

Reia (reiadm)

> >

> > bink -- I'm so sorry she hit you, and I'm so glad to see you

stood up

> > for yourself. Sounds like you're in a good place. It gives hope

to

> > anyone reading this board who is enduring what you did.

> >

> > -Kyla

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Bink,

I wish I too had stood up to her abuse physically, emotionally, spiritually etc.

But I was so enmeshed I didn't believe anything was my own property my mind,

body, and soul belonged to her. My sister also does what your middle sister does

and sometimes says, " Our childhood wasn't that bad. It could have been much

worse. " I agree that it could have been worse but from my perspective it was

that bad. I don't let her try and convince me otherwise. I just remind her we

both have the right to our own perspectives (something she says to me often so I

know this is something she understands).

Kelley

To: WTOAdultChildren1@...: i.miss.my.cupcake@...:

Sun, 23 Dec 2007 15:09:37 +0000Subject: Re: the drama never

ends.-update.---need your thoughts.

i have two little sisters. my youngest is just like my dad and i: hyper

rational. my middle sister is similar to my mom: everything goes through an

emotional circuit before being analyzed in her mind. my mom has had physical

altercations with all three of us. for me, my mom hit me frequently from age 11

to age 17 until i told her i would kill her if she hit me again. when i moved

out at 19, she turned on my middle sister (who was 17), but stopped picking

fights with her because my middle sister beat the crap out of her (i actually

had to go intervene in that fight because my sister told me she would kill mom

if i didn't show up and it was probably the truth). the middle one moved out

when my kid sister was 12 and mom turned on HER, but mom was shocked and

dismayed to find that the little one also hit back, and hard.point 1 is that

even though my middle sister is more aligned to my mom's pov and actually

sympathizes with her on some issues, they have weirdness between them. i think

it's important not to paint our siblings either way. siblings have to stick

together on this or we're just repeating the past. yes my mom treats my little

sisters differently. no it is not their faults. it doesn't have anything to do

with my sisters. it's the luck of the draw. full disclosure (showing them

emails, playing phone messages, telling them the WHOLE story on things and not

just the edited mom versions) has helped bridge the understanding gap. yes, my

middle sister sometimes says stuff like, " you know, it wasn't THAT bad, " but i

can take it. i just ask her why she so desperately needs to believe that our

family was normal because it WASN'T and this kind of stuff shouldn't happen to

little kids...or adults for that matter. this was not always easy. my middle

sister was in major denial for a while, but i did not let her convince me

differently of what i KNEW was true and she has finally come around.point 2 is

that i wish i had just followed my instincts and punched mom in the face every

time i got knocked around. stand up for yourself as soon as you can. it's hard

at first, but it gets easier. the fastest way to make a mom like mine more

tolerable is to let her know in no uncertain terms that she has nothing over my

head and she is only in my life because i choose to allow her to be in it. yes,

there is an initial explosion, but it will pass. bink> >> > YES! My brother was the one who acted

out in his teen years, and > > was a HANDFUL to my parents. Now, he's got his

act together and > > doesn't give a hoot if my dad tries to bully him to come

over and > > see them. My brother just does whatever he chooses, and doesn't > >

care if it makes them mad. And he's still in their good graces.> > > > And my

brother will tell Nada off in a heartbeat -- fada, too! My > > brother says

stuff I WISH I could say to them. He's unafraid, and > > they still welcome him

back.> > > > You've seen what happens when I try to speak my mind to them! I >

get > > a " fiery screamer " in return! They never call me -- and berate me > >

for not calling them. Yet, my brother? My dad calls him 2 or 3 > > times a day,

stops by when he feels like a visit. > > > > So, yes, I have that two-tier

system going in my life, too! > Double > > standard everywhere you look.> > > >

In time, you might find that makes you the lucky one!> > Your sister may have

more difficulty extracting herself from > nada. > > Although, from the sounds of

what's going on now, there's hope for > > your sister, too!> > > > -Kyla> >>

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