RE: Re: Does anyone feel anxiety about inheriting a trait your nada or fada had?

[Guest guest]

Grace,

I too have this flash BPD moments but I must remind myself it is just an old

pattern set in my brain. It is not a reflection of who I truly am. I have to

take these thoughts captive and just remember as humans we have all sorts of

fleas and sinful thoughts that are just temptations. It is only when I believe

these thoughts and then practice them overtime that the thoughts become who I

am. I am so thankful that as a KO I learned to be hypervigilant of everything so

if I can keep this type of outlook then I can remember this is just a thought

and give no weight to it.

Kelley

To: WTOAdultChildren1@...: whatacutemom@...: Mon, 31

Dec 2007 04:11:51 +0000Subject: Re: Does anyone feel anxiety

about inheriting a trait your nada or fada had??

,Yes - just tonight I was thinking to myself how I hope I never becomelike

her. I am terrified of somehow turning into her, or the kind ofmom she was. I

have a two year old, and a four month old. My two year old wasdriving me nuts

tonight, and my four month old was as sweet as couldbe. My nada used to tell me

I was her favorite. I had a moment where Iwas frustrated, and almost to lighten

my mood, thought, " Oh, the babyis my favorite! " I only thought this because the

baby had colic formonths, and I was terrified I wouldn't bond with her. It just

feltironic to feel like she was the one I was getting along with for

once,because for months it was my angel of a two year old alongside acolicky

baby. But, in that moment, I thought, " OH NO! I am like nada!I will favor one

child and she will know it... no! " In reality, Ithink I felt a moment of irony,

or at least I'll call it that. Maybeit was a flea, but at least I caught myself,

whether it was motivatedby a sense of irony or not.What I am saying is that yes,

a huge fear of mine is that I was soemeshed with her that I am somehow tainted.

I think that is one of thereasons I have such low self esteem. I feel tainted

because I feel asif my brain was wacked with from birth, and my mind messed with

fromthe start. My worldview and my sense of how I saw others and myselfwas so

off from day one, I am concerned that I will not be able tobalance.BUT - I know

I will. We are not BP's, and we are on a quest to becomehealthier

individuals.Hang in there. It's scary, but it sounds like you have a great

supportsystem in terms of reassurance that you are not in any way like your

nada.Grace>> I really did not know how to word this question. I 100% do not want to

> inherit any traits from my nada but, what happens if one day I wake up > and

my brain chemistry has absorbed so much from her, that I start > doing some

things like her? Does that make sense? My husband and even > my husband's family

say I am nothing like her and never will be like > her. My grandmother was a

positive role model and people say I take > after her, god I pray so! The

anxiety level is huge, I often catch > myself double checking my sense of self,

to make sure not even a hint > of her has come through in me. Will therapy help?

Because I was > diagnosed with cancer at age 13, I have experienced therapy but,

never > really to focus on issues about my mother. Isn't that strange? It was >

like I thought she could her me. All my life she guilted me into > sharing every

detail about my life, my conversations, everything with > her. Therefore, maybe

by avoiding talking about her in therapy I > wouldn't have to talk to her about

it. Just wondering if anyone felt > this way or how to work on these feelings.

Thank you.> > >

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