Re: LC/NC: where to draw the line

[Guest guest]

>

> Based on my experiences, it could be possible that you still have

> more healing to do over childhood abuses. What your nada is saying

> now may be triggering old hurts. That could explain why you say it

> isn't too bad now - and yet you still feel hurt, exhausted with

> dealing with her, and so on.

Yes, I think that's exactly what's going on for me. This week I've

dealt with several issues in which I felt that other people were

trying to dismiss me or my feelings. I noticed that I've been

sensitive to these issues, because I'm finally dealing with them and

understanding what they are and where they come from.

Thanks for pointing this out to me!

qwerty

[Guest guest]

Thanks for that, Sylvia. That's very validating to hear and certainly

helps me to make a decision. I'm glad you found a method that works

for you.

qwerty

>

> Qwerty,

>

> This is pretty much the reason I went NC. I would still get upset

> when I was around her; I didn't like anything she said; and I

> couldn't be myself around her without also upsetting other people

> too. I finally decided that it was just too exhausting, and there

> was absolutely no benefit to spending any time with my nada.

>

> sylvia

>

[Guest guest]

Hi is,

You're right, my nada is causing me quite a bit of stress. I think

issues are coming up in therapy that I am dealing with and am

sensitive about. She, of course, triggers these issues because that's

just how she sees me. To her I am some kind of extension of herself or

alternatively, a horrible non-person who can be blamed for a host of

things. I'm finally starting to realize that I have a right to my

needs, and that recognizing this is the first step to being kinder to

myself and to those I love. Her behavior flies in the face of that

realization and makes me angry all over again. It's like I just

realized I'm a real person, and she tries to remind me in any way she

can that she thinks I'm not. It's not intentional, that's just how she

sees me.

I think I need some space to figure all that out, without being

subject to the Twilight Zone as often as I am. To that end, I think

I'll cut down phone calls to once a month, until I figure out the next

step.

Thank you for your advice. I'm sorry your mom was so unsupportive of

you. I know that hurts . Glad that you're doing better though, now

that you've been NC for 5 years.

qwerty

>

> Hi Qwerty,

>

> You seem to be experiencing a lot of stress right now caused by your

mother. What if you

> took a 1-week break away to assess the situation? When I went NC

with my mother, I

> didn't intend to be in this state for four and a half years (wow,

five is coming up soon!). I

> was upset with her about the way she handled a situation.

Basically, she had told me she

> would be at an important event for me, then didn't bother to show up

and didn't even

> bother to tell me, instead sending the message via someone else. Of

course, when I

> confronted her about it, she made all kinds of excuses and blamed me

for not having more

> consideration for her feelings. And that was it. I just couldn't

talk to her at that point. I

> just needed a bit of time away to figure out how I felt and sort out

my own feelings. Is

> there a chance that you can try that?

>

> is

[Guest guest]

is & qwerty --

I can SO identify with both of your posts. I am feeling very

comforted by them. First, qwerty, you have reminded me of my right

to step back and assess what kind of relationship I actually have

with my parents, without obligation being the deciding factor. And

is, your situation is almost IDENTICAL to mine in that the last

straw was my mom ditching me yet again, and putting my father up to

letting me know (which he was in no rush to do), and on top of that,

my father had the gall to then tell me to " bite the bullet and call

your mother -- and be prepared for someone not in a good mood. "

That told me that not only was she still at home and capable of

calling and cancelling on this big planned event herself, but then

to FURTHER try and force ME to call HER because for some unknown

reason, she's mad at me!

HA! Thanks, but no thanks, Dad. She's all yours now.

As with is, my " stepping back " has led to all sorts of

discoveries about the true nature of this relationship. And it also

has stretched longer than I anticipated: about a year and a half

now, and counting. And also as with you, if I were to confront her,

she would do her usual lip-quivering, boo-hoo sob story about how

she was losing her mother and she couldn't think straight at the

time, etc., etc. When I read your post, it was as if I had written

it. It was comforting to see your situation was almost exactly like

mine.

-Kyla

> >

> > Hi Qwerty,

> >

> > You seem to be experiencing a lot of stress right now caused by

your

> mother. What if you

> > took a 1-week break away to assess the situation? When I went NC

> with my mother, I

> > didn't intend to be in this state for four and a half years (wow,

> five is coming up soon!). I

> > was upset with her about the way she handled a situation.

> Basically, she had told me she

> > would be at an important event for me, then didn't bother to

show up

> and didn't even

> > bother to tell me, instead sending the message via someone

else. Of

> course, when I

> > confronted her about it, she made all kinds of excuses and

blamed me

> for not having more

> > consideration for her feelings. And that was it. I just

couldn't

> talk to her at that point. I

> > just needed a bit of time away to figure out how I felt and sort

out

> my own feelings. Is

> > there a chance that you can try that?

> >

> > is

>

[Guest guest]

Hey, Non-BP -- good to see you!

I like your post, especially the phrase: " My door was

> and will be open to their healthy participation "

That's really the heart of it -- their HEALTHY participation!

My dad brought up that I'm supposed to honor them, and that I wasn't

complying with that commandment (he realizes I revere my religious

beliefs, so he was really going for the gut on that one.), but by

leaving the door open to a healthy relationship, as you put it, I

really AM honoring them. If they were acquaintances or friends, I

would have dropped them and never looked back.

I try to honor them in other ways -- keeping them in touch with the

kids' activities, and I'll send something for Christmas,

birthdays.....you know, those types of things. I'm always polite

when they call, or the rare times we're together. So, in those

respects, I believe I AM honoring them as my beliefs direct me to.

Glad to see you're in a healthy place and mindset about your

family. This board has helped me, too -- more than I can say.

You've said it for me!

-Kyla