when nada's gone

[Guest guest]

Sylvia:

Something we often post about, but don't hear much about, is how we

will feel after our parents are dead. In talking about this with my

former therapist, we agreed that I have already mourned the loss of

my parents - not through a physical death, but through the knowledge

that they never were true parents, and through the death of my

fantasies of having a loving family.

If you could, would you share with us your experiences regarding the

difference between experiencing the physical deaths of your parents

and the death of your dreams of a happy family.

> Sylvia,

>

> Thanks for asking this question. I have also wondered how the

> grieving process will be different when they physically pass away.

> I'm also interested in hearing from or anyone else whose

> BP parent has died about their experience with different kinds

> of grief.

>

> I likewise ditto 's eloquent thanks to everyone on the board.

> See y'all around =)

>

>

Thanks to Sylvia and for bringing up questions about grief

in the borderline family. I thought this should be its own thread.

When my nada died, I knew nothing about BPD, that was still to be

a few years away. I don't think that I can answer quite the question

that Sylvia poses, because there was no validation for me that my

mother had a mental illness. I was questioning all that on my own,

but the family usually blamed me for problems, not her. There was

tons of denial. She was bedridden in the hospital for a year before

finally succumbing to terminal stomach cancer. She claimed that she

had a hiatal hernia, and never mentioned to us that she was dying.

I didn't have a WTO group back then. If I had, then everything

would have been different and better. I hope that others here can

share their experiences of losing their BP parents.

I highly recommend having someone with you who understands what you

have lived through. If you have a sympathetic sibling or partner,

then that is a good thing. Also, just being on this group is great

support and will help you through your grieving process(es). If/when

these events happen to you, please write to the group and talk about

what you are going through -- even you folks who never posted before.

The funeral was particularly hard on me, for reasons that won't

be immediately obvious, put you will relate as soon as I start

describing what happened ...

The neighbors, relatives and church members show up at the funeral

home. Then they start saying what everyone says at funerals ...

'Your nada, she was such a lovely, loving soul. So kind, and she

worked so hard for you kids. We will all miss her, just like you

will miss her. I know that she is watching you from heaven, and

that she is very proud of you. You are so much like her' ...

I'm trying to smile at the well-intentioned neighbors, wishing that

I could stick my finger down my throat. This scene is so alienating,

very disruptive to what should have been my own grieving process.

The problem was that the roles were all screwed up, again. Here,

the neighbors were supposed to be there to comfort ME, but instead,

I end up faking along, so that THEY will feel welcome and comfortable

at the funeral. They weren't doing anything wrong, of course, but

MY grieving process was being postponed. You will do better if you

know this in advance and have someone (real) to help you through it.

It's also important to see in nada that she is a spiritual being who

gave us life, crazy as it may have been. So the duality of grieving

that Sylvia is mentioning above played out a little differently in

my experience. On one hand I would get some permanent relief from

nada's raging and surrealism, but it/she was still my mother. The

struggles to resolve this desire for meaning and intimacy -- the

mysteries of life -- are further complicated for us KOs, and can

last with us for many years.

Thanks, and I'll try to share some more later.