Re:Positive change tested-Is small talk possible with BPD?

[Guest guest]

I don't know about anyone else's but for me the answer is no. Like

your mother she will yammer on and on about people I don't know,

correcting herself in stories about them - " And then her husband

said their son was going to UCLA. It was their oldest son, Their

youngest son is 12 and the middle son is 15, so he wouldn't be going

to college yet, I'm talking about the oldest one... " Blah, blah blah

until you die of boredom. And she's an interesting person - an

artist and a world traveler! Oh well.

The one are I've had minimal success in holding conversations with

her about is my kids. She'll converse longer about them before

changing the subject back to herself than anything else. Maybe this

will work for you?

LJ

[Guest guest]

LOL -- your description of her self-correcting stories was funny --

My nada has a different way of manipulating conversation: She'll

ask about you, but look sad and disinterested while you answer.

It's all a ploy to get you to focus on her and either her sadness or

anger at whoever. I don't want to go around her precisely because

I'll either have to watch while she breaks down in tears, or sit

there while she lists the hurts that people inflict on her

(including her brothers, etc.), or while she splits certain people

white when I know good and well these people are tired of her boo-

hooing phone calls, too.

I've come to realize it's not really a conversation, but a ploy by

her and my dad to get an audience in the theater so she can be

pitied. I'm sick of being dragged in there to be manipulated that

way. She's too self-absorbed in her own pain and emotion to be a

contributing member of the conversation, much less the relationship.

I just feel like if I go over there, things will be OK for awhile,

then she'll start the boo-hooing, and I don't have much sympathy for

her. And I can't exactly say " Gee, mom, maybe if you actually

stopped marinating in your misery and figured out what you'd like to

do with your days -- get out of the house, cultivated some interests

or did something for someone else -- you wouldn't continue to be so

miserable.... " I'm sure that would piss her off. Then she'd tell

my dad -- and he'd be pissed off. How dare I be so " ungrateful and

uncaring " (my dad's exact words when I suggested she get help.)

My other choice is to sit there and converse with her, ignoring her

ploys and frequently checking my watch for a good time to get the

hell out of that miserable place. House of Gloom and Self-Pity.

So, you can see why " conversations " with her aren't high on my " To

Do " list. I feel like I'm walking into a bait and switch!

-Kyla