Your Self Esteem

[Guest guest]

Hi all:

is gone for Christmas vacation and I was so busy writing I

forgot to release the posts. As an apology, I am giving you a short

piece on non-BPs and self-esteem is from my third book, the Essential

Family Guide to BPD: New Tools and Techniques to Stop Walking on

Eggshells. It's from Chapter 8, " Uncover What's Keeping You Feel

Stuck. " The book will be published late in 2008. This is a ROUGH

DRAFT, don't worry about typos or base your life on the contents

herein which have not been yet professionally vetted.

Randi Kreger

RandiBPD@....

BPDCentral.com

Welcome to Oz Community Owner

Stop Walking on Eggshells and the SWOE Workbook

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Some non-BPs, like parents, have normal to high self-esteem. It

plummets, however, when they can't " fix " their child. Like guilt, low

self-esteem can cause parents to feel less competent and lose faith

in their parenting abilities. When children sense that their parents

lack confidence in themselves, it becomes easier to act out to get

their own needs met. The cycle continues.

Other non-BPs, like partners, already suffer from low self-esteem by

the time they meet their Borderline mate. If the BP is emotionally

abusive, their self-esteem falls even lower. Feeling insignificant,

they let their limits slide and their BP's behavior becomes worse.

The cycle continues. A combination of invalidation, inconsistency,

and unpredictability fills adult children of BPs with shame and

feelings of inferiority that can haunt all their relationships.

You may know on an intellectual level that your family member's

attacks on your character are unjust. But on an emotional level

(which you know is stronger), you may believe you deserve the

treatment you're getting. Criticism is a corrosive acid that eats

away feelings of self worth and fractures the bonds that keep people

together.

People with lower self-esteem may try to relieve their shame by being

good. " Goodness " comes from sacrificing themselves, their time, what

they want out of life to make up for their " badness. " It often means

making excuses for abusive behavior, ignoring advice from people who

care, and being blind to actions they could take to improve their

life. Being super good relieves shame—but only temporarily. The BP

gets used to it and requires high doses. Both BP and non-BP get

hooked. These kinds of behaviors can be reinforced by others—

especially if it means the result is fewer demands on them.

Your BP is right about one thing: you are imperfect—just like the

rest of humankind. All human beings have the delicious and

inalienable right to be imperfect. Not only that, you have the right

to want and need things for yourself, too.

Barbara Cowan Berg, author of " How to Escape the No-Win Trap, " says

that low self-esteem is a big reason why people feel stuck. The key

to getting unstuck, she says, is know beyond a shadow of a doubt that

we have a right to be heard and get our needs met, too. Without self-

esteem, she argues, life is only one double bind after another.

Keep reminding yourself that while your BP may be smart, intuitive,

and an expert about many things, he (or she) is not an objective

authority on your character. To him, you are whatever he feels you

are. The disorder creates a powerful need in its victims to maintain

a façade of flawlessness, and this requires projecting

everything " bad " onto other people—especially those nearest and

dearest. You, however, can step back, and recognize the words for

what they are: a DSM trait sprung free from the page.

Starting today, it's time to trust your inner voice. No one but you

has the power to define you. As you start to become more confident in

your own feelings and trust your own judgment, you stop giving other

people control of how you feel and what you do. It will enable you to

set limits that work because you finally, truly believe you have a

right to set them.