Re: Re: How do we know we are right?

[Guest guest]

Hey Everyone,

Just wanted to thank you for all your suport, it has been incredible. Just one

quick note, I think people have gotten the idea that i am newly married, as i am

sure i am more newly married then most, I have been married for 2.5 years. All

of this has kind of been tinkering with coming to life, but has somehow stayed

calm enough to not cause any of this. But we recently took a vacation in hawaii

with my parents, where all of this began. In hawaii is where my wife thought

she may have had a miscarriage. After that, my wife did not talk much on the

trip. not cause of the miscarriage even , we thought it might have been a

slight possiblity, but were pretty sure it was not, but she was quite more

because my parents made her feel awkward. They came down her about this and it

started a fight. When we got back my parents told me to leave everything that

happend in the past in the past. However, they were now demanding that my wife

call them mom and dad,

something they had said she would not have to do since they knew she wouldnt be

comfortable with it. they kept demanding she either call them dad and mom, or

mr. and mrs. mess. i would not allow this so it blew up into a big fight.

finally my mom and i talked things out, and i thought things were better. until

i got a call from my dad asking how i could treat my mom this way, she has been

crying since our meeting. i had no idea what he was talking about and told him

this, that it went well and we were moving on. he said no we arent, your mom is

very upset and you have made her that way. so we were back to square one.

finally my mom called again and said my dad has control issues, and said that

she has decided, with him, that they are going to move on from all this. i said

fine and we met them for breakfast a few days later. the whole meal they did

not say a word to my wife, and to be fair, my wife did not say anything to them

either. this

made me mad and made me want to write the letter that i read to them. i

included in there that i have been having health issues because of all this, and

i do not want to do it anymore. i told them that i was stressed out and have

poor memories of my wedding because of what they put me through, and we are

thinking of having kids and i do not want to have the same sour memories having

kids as i did with the wedding. they took great offense to the letter, and i

ended up getting off the phone asking for them to just leave me alone, i could

see that they were not wanting to own up to their portion of the fault in the

arguement. next i know it is 11:30 pm on a week night, and my parents are

knocking on my door. they asked to come inside and i refused, saying they are

over stepping there boundaries and i and becca have work early in the morning

and now wasnt the time. after a brief exchange, my mother burst through my arm

holding the door half shut and

went into my kitchen. i continued to ask her to leave, and my wife now came

out and also respectfully asked them to leave. my mom kept going into histarics

yelling that i am a selfish bastard, and called my wife a bitch. i then

threatened to call the police if she did not leave my house. when she didnt, i

picked up the phone and dialed. just as it rung, my dad picked up my mom and

draged her out. long story short, after a few more dramatic events, we got an

email from my mom appoligizing for calling becca a bitch, and that was it. a

day later i got a voicemail from my dad saying he cannot believe i had not

appoligized yet, and that i am out of the family until i do so. a day after

that is when i got the toxic email from my mom. so that brings us up to date.

the email was sent about a month and a half ago, with very minimal contact with

them since.

sorry for another lengthy post, but i thought it was only fair to tell the whole

story. i think it is much more understanding had this been a newer marraige,

but all this has happened recently, after being married 2.5 years. anyways,

thanks again for all that have helped me out so much so far, and i hope to be

able to pay that forward to others after i have made it through this difficult

time.

Thanks,

T

Re: How do we know we are right?

Tony,

There are 'rules', 'laws', and moral teachings that can be our

benchmarks for if we are right or wrong. Are you breaking any laws,

do you try to follow the dictates of a religion or of society in

general? This is one way to know if you are right.

For me, I had to make a decision - either I was going to trust

myself, or I was going to be forever at the mercy of other people

telling me if I was right or wrong and also telling me what I should

do and how I should live my life. I came to this point after several

things in my life had blown up in my face. Those events had one

thing in common, that I was focused on trying to make someone happy

with me, and I lost contact with what I needed and what was best for

me in those situations.

Making the decision to trust myself was full of anxiety. After all,

up until that time, I only felt good about myself when someone else

felt good about what I had done. Up until then, I never felt that I

was an okay person, just because - that I didn't have to perform to

someone else's standard to be considered good.

But I put a few facts together - I was reasonably intelligent, I

could tell right from wrong, I knew that I was respectful of others

(maybe too much so). I also knew that any complaints against me

should be able to be discussed, but if the person who was complaining

was not ready to discuss them with me, was not being respectful of

me, was not willing to give me the benefit of the doubt until they

heard my version, (all things that I would do for someone else), then

I wasn't going to put too much credence in that person's complaints.

Tony - a loving mother DOES NOT write the kind of email that you

received from your mother. They just don't, no matter how old the

child is. Even if they have to administer tough love, it is done in

a respectful manner, not with hateful and demeaning statements.

I think we can know we are right when we realize that at times we may

be wrong - and we are open to examining our actions when they are

questioned. We are right, when we try our best in situations with

others - but we don't allow them to abuse us. It is not right to let

someone abuse us, even if that someone is a parent.

I believe the emotional reaction you are now experiencing is due to

conflicts between what you are experiencing and allowing a different

viewpoint to enter your mind against how you have been programed to

think your parents are always right - including when they so harshly

critize you. You could also be doubting yourself because your

parents never gave you the opportunity to make your own decisions,

and they probably never congratulated you on a good decision or

showed empathy with a bad decision. (Except maybe when you made a

decision to do exactly what they wanted you to do.)

So far, everyone who has written about no contact and limited contact

has said how it has helped them. that has been my experience also.

No or limited contact gives us the opportunity to get away from the

crazy making statements and be able to listen better to our heart of

hearts. How can you possibly know what is inside you when you have

all that screaming and howling coming at you from your mother?

And on this site, we also tell KOs when we think they are making a

mistake. Hopefully, this constructive criticism comes across in a

respectful way.

As to your anxiety, I do understand it. But please think on this,

life isn't meant to be lived with constant or chronic anxiety. At

times, you just need to 'let go' of the worry, the what ifs, the

should ofs, would ofs, could ofs and accept the gifts that each day

brings to us. (And it is hard to recognize those gifts when were are

beating up on ourselves.)

This is the first Christmas for you and your wife together, right?

Hey, isn't that great! You love each other, you are going to be

making memories and traditions together.... these are things that will

help you out when life gets rough for the two of you (not that it

isn't rough now!) Grab yourself some fun! Be around people who are

caring and supportive, who will respectfully tell you if you have

made a mistake, because they know that it wasn't intentional, and

they know you will listen to the message when it is presented in that

way. Stay away from the toxic people as much as you possibly can,

and when you can't, protect yourself as much as possible, and after

being with them, give yourself time to process your feelings and

reactions.

Take care,

Sylvia

>

> Hey all, if you cannot tell i do suffer from anxiety so i worry a

> lot, and all this crap is really hard on me. I read through all

> these responses to and from everyone, and I am wondering, how do we

> know we are right. I feel like there are so many variables in all

of

> our situations, and it is mind blowing when you think about it.

How

> do we know we are not bad kids causing this, and blaming it on our

> parents? In some cases yes we have some evidence such as emails,

> letters, remarks and so on, but how do we know they are deserved,

> do we know what is normal and not normal. I am really struggling

in

> thinking about my parents this way, like i have been dilusional all

> this time as to them being good parents, when all this stuff has

been

> going on in the background. How do I know that the email I got

from

> my mom, although it is obvious there was a lot of anger in it, but

> that I and my wife some how instigated it, and she just handled it

> wrong. How do I know if I am percieving things correctly. I feel

> like the room starts spinning when i start thinking about all this,

> but it has always been a concern of my about whether my perception

of

> things are accurate, or how can you judge ones perception of

things.

> Two people could percieve things entirely differently, but who is

to

> say which was the right way that things happend. I think that is a

> little confusing, and I confused myself there

>

> I am just saying, people keep making reference to us being " bad

> kids. " How do we know that we aren't? that we arent making

> mistakes? that by having NC with are parents, we are making things

> worse? i just feel like i am questioning everything right now. i

> feel like i used to be such a great person, everyone told me that.

> and now i no longer feel that way, and i am questioning a lot of

> things.

>

> sorry if this was rambling or didnt make much sense. i am trying

to

> make sense of a lot here and just get by these holidays:)

>

> Thanks again to everyone.

> T

>

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