Re: now what?

[Guest guest]

Yes, my fada does the same thing -- changes the 'story' to make me 'wrong' and

him right. I'm finally on the look-out for that and just call him on it and

leave right then. It's hopeless to try to wait for them to change -- so just

accept that you DO have a crazy mother, take care of yourself and move on. I

heard of a book today on Sirius Radio (Lime channel 114), it's: " When Hope Can

Kill " -- I think the title is food for thought.

AZClown

now what?

God I can't stand this! As you may remember I posted not long ago

about my nada calling me a heathen for making someone (nutcase) cry

and for saying my couin looked like an alien as a baby. So my dad

called to ask me about it, I told him what was bothering me. Then

nada called me and I told her. She just said " sorry, I'll have to

watch what I say " . Just now my dad calls about something else, not my

mom, so I said " did mom tell you that we talked? " " yes, I don't want

to get in the middle of it " I'm like " what!? " He went on to say that

my mom told him that I misunderstood her that she called me a " heal "

not a " heathen " ; so I was like ok if that's the case why didn't she

tell me that on the phone when I brought it up. My dad kept talking

about how I misunderstood her, and that she told me

that,blablabhbhhbhh . I'm like " NO SHE DIDN'T TELL ME THAT I

MISUNDERSTOOD HER " He's like I thought she did. NO. HUh......I said

if I did misunderstand, why would she tell you and not me that???

He's like I don't know. She's trying to back track, back pedal,

manipulate us both. Oh no, why would she do that.....Folks tell me is

she not trying to manipulate us, change the story all around for her

benefit??? I could have misunderstood her, I'll give her that, but

why wouldn't she say that. Can I just say I wish I'd never moved to

be near them....what someone was saying in an earlier post about once

you get married, it really brings issues out, boy were they right.

She got really weird when I got married, and just crazier w/each baby

I have. Somebody tell me how do I deal w/her, how she makes comments,

and tells me one thing and my dad another... I'm sick of having a

crazy mother!!!!!! !!

________________________________________________________________________________\

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[Guest guest]

Quit engaging in these arguments with her. Twisting things around to

suit themselves is a hallmark of BPD. You'll never change her.

You've got to coat yourself in a sort of emotional teflon and quit

attaching " feelers " to what she says. Detach and don't engage. It's

making you crazy.

-Kyla

[Guest guest]

The others gave good advice. I would only supplement by saying that it

looks like you've been trying a tactic we've all employed at some time

or other and failed at consistently--trying to get these people to be

reasonable! It doesn't work. It will always leave you feeling

frustrated and invalidated or worse.

What I would suggest firstly is to simply stop arguing. They'll never

accept your point of view because they're so invested in their own

phoney reality.

Next, consider deciding not to accept name-calling. If your mother

calls you a heathen, set a boundary, e.g., " Mom, I am not for calling

names. If you choose to call me a name in the future, I will [walk

away, hang up the phone], etc. " Just stop it right there instead of

waiting to argue about whether she called you something or not. Just

step away.

Hope that helps a little.

[Guest guest]

You are right - getting married and having children really brings out

the issues!!!

I married my husband four and a half years ago, and that's when

everything started getting weird w/ my nada. When I was pregnant with

my first daughter, things got worse w/ nada. She flipped her lid when

I told her I was thinking about having a friend in the delivery room

instead of her. I mean, she FLIPPED out. We went LC for a few months,

but sort of pushed through it all in time for my daughter's birth

(incidentally, only my husband was there). Things were ok until nada

asked about guardianship of my daughter in the event that my husband

and I were to pass away (only because I told her we were considering

going skydiving, which freaked nada out). When I told nada that my

in-laws had been chosen as my daughter's guardians, she flipped like

nothing else. That was the catalyst that led to my DH and I going NC.

Since then, we haven't spoken in a year, and I have since had another

baby. I didn't even tell nada I was pregnant. Of course she found out,

but that's another story.

I feel for you. It's awful having a crazy mother. You'll get through

it... and we are here to support you.

Grace

>

> God I can't stand this! As you may remember I posted not long ago

> about my nada calling me a heathen for making someone (nutcase) cry

> and for saying my couin looked like an alien as a baby. So my dad

> called to ask me about it, I told him what was bothering me. Then

> nada called me and I told her. She just said " sorry, I'll have to

> watch what I say " . Just now my dad calls about something else, not my

> mom, so I said " did mom tell you that we talked? " " yes, I don't want

> to get in the middle of it " I'm like " what!? " He went on to say that

> my mom told him that I misunderstood her that she called me a " heal "

> not a " heathen " ; so I was like ok if that's the case why didn't she

> tell me that on the phone when I brought it up. My dad kept talking

> about how I misunderstood her, and that she told me

> that,blablabhbhhbhh. I'm like " NO SHE DIDN'T TELL ME THAT I

> MISUNDERSTOOD HER " He's like I thought she did. NO. HUh......I said

> if I did misunderstand, why would she tell you and not me that???

> He's like I don't know. She's trying to back track, back pedal,

> manipulate us both. Oh no, why would she do that.....Folks tell me is

> she not trying to manipulate us, change the story all around for her

> benefit??? I could have misunderstood her, I'll give her that, but

> why wouldn't she say that. Can I just say I wish I'd never moved to

> be near them....what someone was saying in an earlier post about once

> you get married, it really brings issues out, boy were they right.

> She got really weird when I got married, and just crazier w/each baby

> I have. Somebody tell me how do I deal w/her, how she makes comments,

> and tells me one thing and my dad another... I'm sick of having a

> crazy mother!!!!!!!!

>