Re: Do most people get help??

[Guest guest]

Wet finger in the air, I'd say that about half the folks here have

officially undiagnosed parents. But that's the nature of the

disorder: they don't think there's anything wrong with them, it's

always somebody or something else. So essentially there is no

getting them into therapy. Therapy only works if the participants

want to change. If you don't want to change, there is no therapy.

>

> Ok, one more post. Being new to the group, I have so many

questions.

> Is my mother one of the few that has not had long term therapy? I

have

> not had a chance to read a lot of messages but, did see one where

the

> nada had been in and out of therpy. My mother did get her and my

> father to a therapist one time but, when the therapist confronted

her

> about her problems she bolted. How would you get a nada or fada

into

> therapy? At this point I can not take that extra struggle on,

> especially since I finally made the decision to end the

relationship.

> Some how though, I feel like am failing by not pushing and

fighting to

> get her help. Although, in her eyes I always failed.

>

[Guest guest]

,

Welcome to the group! I check this every few days, and am catching up

on my reading of these posts.

To answer your question, I can only speak for my own situation. My

nada has not been in therapy for her BP... she was diagnosed while in

marriage counseling before leaving my dad. I doubt she'd go now. The

very idea of having to face her issues, be held accountable, and look

at herself too closely is more than she can handle.

If I knew how to get a nada or fada into therapy, I'd be working on

mine. I've been NC for over a year now, which is sad. Good in ways,

but it honestly sucks. I know it's been the right choice, but it's

still hard.

BP's are notoriously unable/unwilling to take responsibility for their

actions, and because they shift the blame all over the place to other

people, it would be hard to get them into therapy (I think). I have

also heard that some therapists do not agree to treat BP's because

BP's are so good at sucking people in.

Good luck... if you have any suggestions yourself on how to get a nada

into therapy that would be great. I would love to see mine get some

help so she could have some healthy relationships in her life.

Grace

>

> Ok, one more post. Being new to the group, I have so many questions.

> Is my mother one of the few that has not had long term therapy? I have

> not had a chance to read a lot of messages but, did see one where the

> nada had been in and out of therpy. My mother did get her and my

> father to a therapist one time but, when the therapist confronted her

> about her problems she bolted. How would you get a nada or fada into

> therapy? At this point I can not take that extra struggle on,

> especially since I finally made the decision to end the relationship.

> Some how though, I feel like am failing by not pushing and fighting to

> get her help. Although, in her eyes I always failed.

>

[Guest guest]

,

My own nada was hospitalized for somewhere between 6 and 8 months when I was an

infant. She was in postpartum depression/psychosis which basically the final

straw. She

was held in the state mental hospital and whatever they called BPD back then

that was

what she had. She has had a contentious relationship with me and my brother for

as long

as we can remember. She has had some therapy but not consistently. She is high

functioning and at most she is considered " difficult " by those that know her.

Of course

they never see or hear how toxic she is when she spills her venom in our ears.

If her friend

s and fellow church congregationers could hear the things she says about them

they

would never speak to her again. The only way she can function with them is to

dump all

her toxic waste with us.

She did say that the hospital chaplain thought she could benefit from some group

therapy

for recent widows and from personal counseling for her ideas about God and

retribution

and forgiveness. This was just a couple of days ago. I am crossing my fingers.

xoxo Carla

>

> Ok, one more post. Being new to the group, I have so many questions.

> Is my mother one of the few that has not had long term therapy? I have

> not had a chance to read a lot of messages but, did see one where the

> nada had been in and out of therpy. My mother did get her and my

> father to a therapist one time but, when the therapist confronted her

> about her problems she bolted. How would you get a nada or fada into

> therapy? At this point I can not take that extra struggle on,

> especially since I finally made the decision to end the relationship.

> Some how though, I feel like am failing by not pushing and fighting to

> get her help. Although, in her eyes I always failed.

>

[Guest guest]

BPDs are tricky when it comes to therapy -- they are difficult to

treat and usually need LOTS of treatment. They usually deny,

project and don't take responsibility for their actions, so anytime

the therapy starts to focus on THEM, they usually stop going.

My mom was BIG on therapy for a time -- back when I was a teenager

and she and I were at odds with each other. That therapist -- bless

her! -- would call my mom on some of HER behaviors (I think my mom

was thinking she'd drag me in there and the therapist would

straighten me out!). My mother took it well, and I learned for the

first time that SHE was out of line sometimes! That same therapist

was very encouraging of my independence. It was the first time in

my life I felt comfortable speaking out on stuff my mother was

doing. (Unheard of! You don't talk back to the Queen!!!!)

Back to my mom -- she stopped going and claimed this therapist said

she was " cured " (no mention was ever made of BPD). What a crock --

that same therapist shared with me that my mom had a lot more work

to do.

But my mother proudly tells anyone who'll listen that she's all

finished with therapy -- like it's high school graduation or

something.

BPD is so difficult to treat for this reason. From the description

of your mother's antics, I don't see her humbling herself and

submitting to the care of a therapist. Better that you take care of

yourself and save your own future. I've heard it described on this

board as " swimming to shore and saving yourself -- if you let her

keep attaching to you, she'll pull you under. She's determined to

drown -- but you can break away and swim to shore. "

-Kyla

[Guest guest]

,

Most people with BPD do not get therapy. One of the traits of this

condition is that they see themselves as victims and innocent. They

see others as having mental problems, but not themselves. Someone

with BPD has the emotional makeup of a 3 - 5 year old child. They

see things in black and white, all right or all wrong, etc. They

also project their feelings on other people, and this includes

projecting their feelings of 'craziness' on others. My mother used

to call me crazy all the time. I came to learn that it was she who

felt crazy, could not deal with it, and therefore projected it onto

me. Once she could convince herself that I was the crazy one, her

feelings subsided.

You do not get a nada or fada into therapy. In fact, you don't even

tell them you suspect they have BPD. What you do is change yourself

in ways that are healthy for you. You change the focus from taking

care of them to taking care of yourself. Your mother's behavior

when being confronted by the therapist is typical.

You are not failing them - you are the child - it never was your

responsibility to take care of them. They were supposed to take

care of you! And yes, you failed in her eyes. You will never be

able to satisfy her, because only she can give herself what she

needs, and she does not know what that is, nor does she know how to

take care of herself. What she has learned to do is to manipulate

others whenever she is feeling badly.

You have to stop 'seeing yourself through her eyes'. She is not

your judge and jury. You have to start seeing yourself through your

own eyes, and start accepting yourself as your are, the good and the

not so good.

Take care,

Sylvia

>

> Ok, one more post. Being new to the group, I have so many

questions.

> Is my mother one of the few that has not had long term therapy? I

have

> not had a chance to read a lot of messages but, did see one where

the

> nada had been in and out of therpy. My mother did get her and my

> father to a therapist one time but, when the therapist confronted

her

> about her problems she bolted. How would you get a nada or fada

into

> therapy? At this point I can not take that extra struggle on,

> especially since I finally made the decision to end the

relationship.

> Some how though, I feel like am failing by not pushing and

fighting to

> get her help. Although, in her eyes I always failed.

>

[Guest guest]

, let me add to Sylvia's posting. Some BPDs go to therapy

because they think the therapist will agree with them that everyone is

just horrible and abusive. Nada went to a psychiatrist years ago but

quit going because she wasn't willing to face the fact that she caused

her own problems. She told her doc he could talk to me once because

she just knew he'd tell me what a bitch of a daughter I was, but

instead he said " Your mother has a problem. She's always going to

have a problem. It can't be fixed and it isn't your fault. Whatever

you do, don't let her make you feel guilty, because it's one of the

things she does best. "

Mind you, he told me this about 15 years ago, and I still have a

relationship with her, and it's still crappy. It is depressing to

read all of these posts and face the fact that it's such an ongoing

problem. Even if you're NC, you're still dealing with the emotional

fallout.

And my friend's wife, who is a therapist confirmed to me that many

therapists just won't deal with a BPD because it's so frustrating and

such a waste of time. That tells you that this isn't our imaginations!

Wisteria