Re: Anyone reading Surviving A Borderline Parent by Roth & Friedman

[Guest guest]

Hi Dolly, I am a 64 year old KO (kid of) and my mother passed away

about sixteen months ago. She was a very high functioning BP with

Queen and Waif qualities. She had a masters in guilt. I was her

youngest daughter ( one of three) and was very enmeshed with her. I

thought I was an independent person until my eyes began to be opened

by finding out about BPD. My mom was never diagnosed professionally,

but only by little me. She certainly had many of the BP traits.

As I began my journey of looking at myself in relation to my mother

and as she aged and became much harder to deal with, I, too, read the

Surviving the Borderline Parent book. I was still in denial about my

real feelings and felt a little guilty for even thinking things were

that bad. But when I read the chapter on Anger, my first thought was,

" I'm not angry, I really don't need this chapter. Oh well, I'll read

it anyway. " As I read on and was asked to write a letter to my mother

telling her how I feel, what my truth was, I first didn't think I

needed to do that. Finally, I did have a few thoughts and decided to

write the darn thing. Once I got started I found the words flowing

so fast I could hardly write them all. Every sentence was beginning

with the words " I hate this or I hate that " My handwriting was large

and full of emotion. ( At least that's how mine looks when I write

under stress and emotion). I ended up with about twelve hand written

pages. When I finished, I was exhausted. I kept that letter and

reread it many times. Whenever the guilt would creep up I used it to

keep myself balanced.

I never cut contact with mother, but I began to set boundaries. She

was very bewildered by all this, but I stuck to my guns and actually

did see some small changes. She became much less likely to yell at

me, as I would just leave or end the phone conversation. The real

changes were in me as I gave up my ownership of her problems and

unhappiness. As I realized that she was determined to be unhappy no

matter what I did, I quit trying so darn hard to make HER life better

and began to live MINE.

The result of my hard work and self-education is that now that she is

gone, I feel at peace. Of course, she isn't here so the stress is

gone, but what I mean is that I feel no guilt nor regret. I know,

looking back, that I did the very best I could in a very hard

situation. Dee

>

> I began reading this book and would enjoy your feedback. What are

> your thoughts about the authors' suggestions?

>

> I have only finished reading the preface and first four chapters. I

> am

>

> I found the activities to be very challenging. Today I completed

> the activity on eulogies as suggested on page 51. That was tough,

> but nonetheless cathartic.

>

> Here's what is suggested in the book, " You're asked to write the

> eulogy for your parent's funeral (you can do this exercise ever if

> your parent is alive). Without regard for diplomacy or reprisals

> from other relatives write YOUR truth. " My mother's eulogy (as

> written by me) painted a poignant picture of her influence in my

> life. It would certainly not be printed in the newspapers because

> it is real and we all know that eulogies are meant to paint a rosy

> picture of the deceased. God forbid we speak the TRUTH!

>

> Another suggested activity: " You're asked to write a eulogy for your

> ideal parent's funeral. Write about the feelings associated with

> the loss of your expectations, hopes and wishes. "

>

>

> I am thoroughly impressed with the list of " ways in which adult

> children of parents with BPD may come to feel overly guilty and

> responsible " It really helped me to see how I accept responsibility

> for my mother's actions and take guilt/shame upon my shoulders.

>

> GREAT SUGGESTIONS on p. 73 for how to explain yourself in adverse

> situations where you are accused or criticized by a BPD parent.

>

>

> Would anyone like to discuss this book and the tenets within? I

> would love to have someone to discuss the activities with, because I

> find unbelievably challenging. It would be nice to have some

> feedback from others who may have read the book or completed the

> suggested activities.

>

> THANK YOU,

> Dolly

>

[Guest guest]

Dee,

Thank you for your thoughtful responses. Your words and experiences

are salve for my open wounds. I do appreciate your support.

I am so sorry to hear about your son's battle with cancer. God alone

can empathize with that level of pain. I'm sorry if I said anything

offensive about cancer. It was certainly not my intention. I just

feel so overwhelmed with BP and it's repercussions in our lives!

It is indeed very difficult to understand this side of Heaven (aka

earth). There are many days where I can hardly wait to face Christ

and have time in His holy presence. I need his help more than

anything else.

I understand (cerebrally) the idea that pain is part of human

existence, but it is often hard for my heart to accept that

reality. I will certainly take this to God in prayer and seek

understanding through Him.

Thank you for getting me back under His wing. I know I need help

from Our Creator.

Bless you, Dee!

Smiles & hugs,

Dolly

[Guest guest]

That's an interesting point. I can't honestly say that I love my nada.

I feel duty bound to her, but I don't feel any love for her. Sometimes

I feel pity for her, other times anger or disgust. That's it, really.

qwerty

>

> in spite of

> everything, we ALL love our NADAs and FADAs really. Or at least i

> think we do.....isn't that what brought us all here to the message

> board?

>

> Take care,

> Sara Jo

[Guest guest]

Qwerty,

I am with you, I have always known that I didn't love Nada, until BPD I felt

like there was

something wrong with me for not loving her. Once I started this self

exploration into who

and what I am, I can and have said with confidence that I don't love her.

I am always met with great resistence from people on this so have started

keeping it to

myself. I have one amazing friend who understands, (now that she is a mother)

and my

therapist.

L

> >

> > in spite of

> > everything, we ALL love our NADAs and FADAs really. Or at least i

> > think we do.....isn't that what brought us all here to the message

> > board?

> >

> > Take care,

> > Sara Jo

>

[Guest guest]

Dolly,

All we need to do is select start topic and call it bookclub: Surviving the

Borderline Parent

Who ever has the first thing to add from reading the book can get it started.

Sorry it took so long to respond. I am kinda out of it. I fell on the ice and

hurt my back

and the painkillers are making me tired.

I really love this idea though.

xoxo Carla

>

> Carla,

>

> That sounds awesome. How do we go about doing that?

>

> I'd love to discuss each of the chapters.

>

>

> Smiles,

> Dolly

>

[Guest guest]

I think rather than love for our NADAa and FADAs, it's love for

ourselves that brings us to message boards like this. We are

searching for answers on how to have a normal life, despite being

influenced by kooks. If any parental love is involved, I suspect

it's more about loving the idea of having a loving parent, which a

BPD parent will never be.

Elle

>

> >

> > in spite of

> > everything, we ALL love our NADAs and FADAs really. Or at least i

> > think we do.....isn't that what brought us all here to the

message

> > board?

> >

> > Take care,

> > Sara Jo

>

[Guest guest]

I just joined this group today, and I can't believe how relieved I

am

to find people with similar problems. I've actually been laughing a

little, b/c the things that would sound so bizarre to " normal

people " , I can totally relate to. Just this w/e, after a

particularly crazy visit to see my BP Nada, my sister and I were

talkign about her fascination with death. Once, when we were about

7

and 10, she took us and my father to a cemetary and said they needed

to buy plots, b/c they were probably going to die soon. She talked

about who would raise us and how they wouldn;t really want children,

so we'd have to work. Just this last w/e she told me that she had

purchased crypts for me, my sister, my daughter, and the daughter I

have yet to adopt. How weird is that? She was ALWAYS telling us

that our father was

going to die of a heart attack, and it would be our fault. She

threatened to kill us all once. She is now 70 and my father died

one

year ago at age 78. I thank God that he now is at peace. He is now

finally away from her. I worried my whole life every day that he

would die, and I couldn't bear it, but after watching him suffer

with

rerenal failure, I was ok with his death. No more invasive

procedures, so more hospital stays. She can't accept it. She's

lost

heher trump card (the threat of his death). She knows that I can

cut

off contact now if I so desire (even though I do feel guilty). My

sister thinks we should cut off contact.

It is so wonderful to hear other people talk about having similar

experiences with their parents. To know i'm not alone, it's not

just

me, it's not my fault, and that the guilt and manipulation are

common.

Joanna

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Joanna -- Welcome!

Your story sounds familiar! Your mom certainly didn't mind

burdening everyone with her death fascination -- and perhaps was

trying to scare you into clinging to her, or something like that.

What a cruel thing to do!

My nada has a fascination with death, too. Her preferred reading

material is true life murder books. My husband pegged it first, he

said " Your mother has a fascination with the Dark Side " ....It's true.

It's also true that BPDs can wig out after a major loss -- I read

that on a website somewhere. My mom has taken a new turn since the

death of her 90 year old mother. She and I hardly ever speak. The

last time we spoke, I had called her for her birthday, and within a

few short minutes of the conversation, she was trying to manipulate

me with tears -- which I don't put up with anymore. And like you, I

feel guilty about that. I feel guilty about the rare contact we

seem to have settled on. But it's also not unrealistic to expect

that SHE make effort toward building a relationship, and she chooses

instead to demand attention through the silent treatment -- so I

have finally given myself permission to relax and not try so hard to

hold the relationship up by myself.

Anyway -- I don't blame you and your sister for wanting to minimize

your relationship with your mother. You have that right to peace

and tranquility in your life.

-Kyla