Re: Sacrilegious thoughts

[Guest guest]

Thank you for saying this. I, too, have felt this way about my

mother. She's sick, completely miserable and hateful. She hates

life and all of the people who are around her. Mother would much

rather be " on the other side " (if you know what I'm saying).

There's nothing related to me that she enjoys. She finds joy in

frolicking about town with her " friends " and " projects " but there's

none of that for my father, brother or me.

I, unfortunately, have no fond memories of a warm, snuggly,

affectionate mother so I don't mourn the loss of much. I would

consider it a blessing had I ever experienced a good side. My

mother died (emotionally) years ago! Unfortunately, I have to sit

on my hands and watch as she self-destructs and withers away over

the years. We're weathering year 12 of cyclical isolation and self-

destruction that typically results in a full psych ward admittance

for 3 weeks to 3 months. It's her cycle. We've just come to accept

it, tie a knot in the rope and hang on for a insanely, WILD ride.

Guilty? Oh yes, I feel that. Shame? You betcha! But, that's not

ALL of me! I am so much more than my past. As are you, my friend!

My solace - getting away from Mom and being reminded that there ARE

healthy people! I find comfort in true friends who remind me that

life ain't that bad. There is a LOT to celebrate and enjoy! Find

comfort in those special activities and people! You're worth it! A

healthy relationship with your boyfriend is worth the risk!

People are intrinsically loving and supportive. It is the disease

that has contaminated your mother's mind. There's nothing you can

do to force her to change. Get away from unhealthy people and find

good people to spend time with. Her demise is not your only

salve/solution.

Don't take on her problems as your own. You are an individual.

Only take responsibility for yourself and what you can take control

of. Otherwise, you risk falling into her trap and being codependent

or repeating the BPD cycle in your own life.

What have you done for YOURSELF today? (I wish people would bravely

ask that question from time to time.)

Take care of yourself!

Smyles & Hugs,

Dolly

[Guest guest]

Thanks for these kind words Kyla!! I like your phrase pity junkie:) It's

perfect.

kylaboo728 wrote: Josobak --

I can identify with a lot in your post -- it was well-written and I

found a lot of myself in there. I could especially identify with

your method of " retreat " , which was " my bed, my books " -- I do that,

too.

And my mom picks fights, too, when her emotions get to be too much

for her. I carry guilt for not wanting to have anything to do with

her. I feel really bad for that -- guilty, like a bad girl. And my

dad is only too happy to make sure I feel guilty, too.

Your mother definitely sounds out of control, so it seems perfectly

natural for you to want the anguish in yourself (regarding her) to

go away. You're so close to the situation and she turns her insane

gaze toward you every once in awhile, so I can see where you're

coming from. I'd want her to just go away, too, so I could get back

to my calmer life.

It's got to be hard on you watching her slowly destroy herself, and

torture your stepfather in the process. You would be wise to limit

your time with them, if that's your wish. I can really identify

with your words " how much I dread coming home... " I dread coming

around my mom, too -- she's getting worse and like you said " the

warm, snuggly, affectionate mom " isn't much around anymore -- or is

so infused with the new " pity junkie " , that you can't really see the

affectionate mom anymore. And she's so prickly and unstable, it's

hard to relax and be affectionate with her anymore.

I'm glad you have a therapist and boyfriend that you can go to for

support -- and here, too! You're not alone in your feeling guilty --

I wrestle with that daily. I'm detaching from my parents, my

father has lashed out and called me terrible names, and my mother

resolutely refuses to call or contact me or my children. They have

very little to do with me, yet wag the finger of shame, as if this

deteriorating relationship is 100% my fault. They operate as if my

mother was just as normal as any normal mother. (What a crock!)

And yet, I'm the one who feels guilty! I think we were programmed

that way in childhood -- try not to let yourself get too burned up

with it. Contrary to what we were taught, we're not here to hold up

the rest of the universe by ourselves. A little guilt just shows

you're human and have a heart.

-Kyla

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