partial memory/long post

[Guest guest]

Hi everyone,

The emotional incest thread gave me a little courage to post about

something that's been gnawing at me for years. I don't know if I was

ever physically molested but have always had the clear symptoms of a

survivor. Since starting therapy a few years ago I have had this

ongoing flash back very short incomplete snippet of an incident when I

was Five. It is always the same. I also feel very uncomfortable with

my Dad in regards to any physical contact hugs kisses dancing

sometimes just statements. It isn't that he is being inappropriate,

well most of the time he's not hell I don't know what is appropriate

for a Dad, it's just a feeling. My Mom is and always has been very

shame based in regards to me and my body and sensuality/sexuality.

She would sneak into my room at night and when I was almost asleep

quickly grab the covers off me to see if I was " touching myself " I was

5-9 when she did this. I never was but she kept lurking for the one

time I would. I know it is normal and healthy for young children to

explore these feelings. She also always put a divider between my Dad

and me and would sexualize any kind of normal interaction. So I don't

know if my feelings are just from the shame my mom created in me or if

something my Dad did when I was 5 got my mom crazy around this stuff?

Last summer I cleaned out my moms house to get it ready to sell. I

began having horrible flash backs and actually lost time. I was

totally freaked. It is the house I grew up in . The partial memory

became one of the most prevalent flash backs. I have not told anyone

about it not even my therapist. But my therapist does know about the

other flashbacks and the rough summer. Anyway I guess my question is

how do I figure out the rest of this memory and how do I figure out if

my dad did molest me or came close, and do I even need to? I am

having intimacy issues with husband and have every since last summer.

Any suggestions maybe a book? I am so shame based I haven't gotton

the courage to tell my therapist about this yet. Also my dad was a

drunk and stopped drinking when I was 5 and 2 different spiritual body

workers out of the blue have said you were really hurt at age 5 and

you need to heal what happened to you at 5 I was like WTF I don't know

what happened? My dad started drinking again when I was 26 and there

was significant sexual overt behavior when ever he had been drinking

to all women who were around, including saying some inappropriate

stuff to me. For instance..I had just miscarried my first baby and

was in the hospital. They came to visit and my dad looked behind me

and said " well I sure do like those gowns they give ya " . Ok so yea

that seems ridiculously obvious. I looked at them all and said " I

need rest can everyone leave me alone " and they left. My dad became

sober a year later and has been in AA since ,20 years now, is really

recovered and a very decent man. He said to me once that I could ask

him about anything from the past. Should I? Ok even posting this

makes me anxious and I didn't even tell you what the memory was geez.

any ideas or suggestions are welcome.

Suebee