Always checking for deeper meaning to her words

December 30, 2007

Hi! I just remembered a comment my Nada made last week when we were

together. She was talking on and on about a friend of hers whose

father had just died (one I didn't even know or care to hear about)

and she said, " His daughter came to the hospital and rushed to his

side to whisper in his ear how wonderful of a father he was. " My mom

said she did this because he had always thought he did a horrible job

with his kids and she wanted to tell him one last time that he was

wonderful. Am I reading into this too much by believing this was

another stab from her in her passive aggressive way to tell me how I

better see the wonderful things she did before she dies or she won't

be able to go out in peace (like this man was able to do after he

heard her words). Any thoughts on this or am I just being

hypervigilant?

Kelley

December 30, 2007

it could actually be that your mom is having a " moment of clarity " and

hoping that even though she did crappy things, you think she was a good

mom. when i went on my first international trip (a month in europe),

apparently my mom had a complete and utter meltdown on my little

sisters about how she was a horrible mom to me and then made herself

persona non grata with several of her oldest friends by trying to " fix "

one of them. dramaDRAMAdramaDRAMA. the point: i think sometimes they

get the feeling that they didn't do such a great job raising their

kids, but when confronted by this reality, they either need to be able

to hop right back into denial (oh, she deserved to be hit) or have

instant reasurance (well, she's a functioning adult, i couldn't have

been THAT bad).

GAH!!! HOW FRUSTRATING IS IT THAT OUR SUCCESS IN LIFE IS SEEN BY OUR

PARENTS AS ONE OF THEIR ACCOMPLISHMENTS?!???!??!?!??! we are

successful in SPITE of them.

bink

>

> Hi! I just remembered a comment my Nada made last week when we were

> together. She was talking on and on about a friend of hers whose

> father had just died (one I didn't even know or care to hear about)

> and she said, " His daughter came to the hospital and rushed to his

> side to whisper in his ear how wonderful of a father he was. " My mom

> said she did this because he had always thought he did a horrible job

> with his kids and she wanted to tell him one last time that he was

> wonderful. Am I reading into this too much by believing this was

> another stab from her in her passive aggressive way to tell me how I

> better see the wonderful things she did before she dies or she won't

> be able to go out in peace (like this man was able to do after he

> heard her words). Any thoughts on this or am I just being

> hypervigilant?

>

> Kelley

>

December 30, 2007

You are not reading into something that is not there; you are right on

target thinking your mother is giving you a stab. She IS trying to

manipulate you through guilt. Somehow our BPD parents know how

powerful OUR compassion is, despite being completely devoid of

compassion themselves. It's like they are aliens who understand us and

use it to their advantage.

I was faced with the same dilemna this summer: my husband and I had

gone LC and were on our way to NC, finally, after many years of abuse

from his BPD father. I decided to be detached from this man who had

personally injured me time and time again for many years. Things got

worse for everyone as he raged out of control when my H and I were

struggling in our marriage. We separated and H ended up living with

BPD Dad and Nada for a few months. While there, the true selfish,

uncaring personality came out and H left feeling " kicked out " and once

again, unloved and ignored by his parents. Everyone in the family was

stunned by the coldness of these parents and LC or NC seemed our only

solution.

H and I entered counseling we started to talk about reconciliation when

we suddenly got the news that his father was diagnosed with cancer.

Suddenly, family members were swarming us to forgive and forget since

the man might be dying. They believed we should just ignore the real

relationship and pretend nothing ever happened. The truth is, the

simple existence of mortality is not enough to change who these people

are and who they've been TO us and we shouldn't forget this. LC was

the only thing giving us the relief we needed to survive his cycle of

abuse and attempt to rebuild our lives. His behaviors had basically

been one of the biggest factors in tearing my family apart and my

marriage as well. Getting out from under this man's black cloud

enabled us to buckle down and live right, including being honest,

alcohol-free, and devoid of negativity.

After he went through surgery and seemed on the road to recovery, we

decided to see him at our child's sporting event--just to test the

waters in the hopes that his brush with death might have changed him

profoundly. This was our hope. No such luck. We immediately saw that

he assumed we were all back to where we were before and ignored all the

hurt that had gone between us. He just expected us to be doting

children, as he always had and to be accepting of his unacceptable

acting out. This did not sit well with me or my H and we decided to

continue LC. H sent letters to his father explaining this and asked

him to respect our wishes. Unfortunately, BPD Dad still tries to get

to us through emails to our children which are laced with subtle

sarcasm and pleas for attention in his dying years... We don't feel

it's at all appropriate to send such letters to a child! So now, we

must monitor and often delete these notes before our children see

them. Passive agressive to the letter; he seems like the loving

grandfather who is ill and longs to hear from his grandchildren.

Meanwhile he has 7 other grandchildren whose parents are still

struggling under his reign of ugly grip. We won't let him control our

children and if we need to seem cruel and unloving to others, so be

it. Those who know us know how he's hurt us and our children for many

years, under the guise of a big, sensitive, soft-hearted grandpa.

People know how he endangered our children and tried to drive them

while drunk, how he encourages his children to bully their spouses, how

he turns his back on people who come to him for help... and he uses

everyone and everything to satisfy his need for self-fulfillment. We

know the truth. All of you know the truth too and you should not feel

the least bit guilty when you think you might be losing your BP

parent. Keep in mind that parents who love their children don't

require this much stress or thought at the end of their lives because

our love for them comes naturally, as they have loved us throughout

their life. Trust your gut. Elle.