Re: Queen Moms who use people as their project

[Guest guest]

Dolly,

I have also questioned myself when helping others. I try so much to go the

complete opposite of her. When my husband and I give to others we do so in a way

where no one could know who the money or help came from.

Kelley

To: WTOAdultChildren1@...: cre8ivegal1975@...: Sat, 29

Dec 2007 00:51:58 +0000Subject: Re: Queen Moms who use

people as their " project "

Of course, I can relate to this in so many ways. My mother has ALWAYS adopted

others' causes and issues as her martyr responsiblity.When I was a child my

mother would actually take me to the state hospital for the mentally and

physically disabled so that she could " volunteer " and rescue people in need. She

spent countless hours in there 'counseling' and saving people from their

adversity. She visited these people and then proceeded to tell her other friends

all about her good deeds.Mom would go to the predominately African American

neighborhoods and adopt families so she could tell the school's principal about

her good deeds (as PTA president, no less). She would adopt women and their

children as if they were her own. Oh wait, she was much better to those outside

of her family than we (immediate family members) were EVER afforded.My mother

also has a physical disability (Multiple Sclerosis) so she has a long list of

people she can adopt as her project of the day/week/month. There are people like

the chef who has epilepsy who frequently comes over to the house for holidays,

the blind friend who Mom says, " needs a purpose in life so I let her come help

me, " etc. etc. etc. This list of people she adopts as pet projects is surreal!

Funny thing is, these " projects " (also known as real people with real emotions

and needs) often let Mom down. She tries to rescue them or fix them and when

they remain " broken " or in dire straits it is because they failed to help

themselves. She cuts them loose at that point with any number of excuses.She's

got a grand case of martyrdom. Annoying!Sometimes, I even find myself

questioning my motivation when I volunteer. I make sure I have pure motives and

that there is no martyrdom being sought. It's hard to break cycles that I have

seen for 32 years.Dolly

_________________________________________________________________

i’m is proud to present Cause Effect, a series about real people making a

difference.

http://im.live.com/Messenger/IM/MTV/?source=text_Cause_Effect

[Guest guest]

Tressa717 said ''Then when she doesn't have enough time for herself she rages

and starts blaming the people around her for her anxious state. Sound

familiar?'

I loved that! Did anyone else have to compulsively apologize for making the

family 'late' when they were little even though it was actually nada's poor time

management? I have such vivid memories of apologizing to my piano and ice

skating teachers, girl scout troop leaders, doctors, pastors, anyone, everyone,

for making us late when I was usually dressed, ready and waiting for her. She'd

scream in the car and blame me for making us late for having showed her a

picture I drew hours earlier or having taken too long to transfer her stuff from

one purse to another etc. My own sense of time was terrible and I was late to

everything until a college friend asked me one day why I thought my time was

more important than hers. It had never occured to me that it was so

inconsiderate to show up late all the time, I've been much more concientious

since then-

---------------------------------

Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your homepage.

[Guest guest]

My stepnada is a teacher too. She seems to be very good at it and

is always telling me how much her " kids " love her, and how many

sweet letters she gets from them. On the flip side, she doesn't get

along with any other teachers and causes drama that goes all the way

up the administration chain. She moves schools frequently. As for

other projects, she is really big into the Locks of Love thing, and

is always trying to guilt me into hacking off my hair ( " it's only

twelve inches!!! It'll grow back!!!). Not gonna happen - I have

never cut my hair shorter than the bottom of my shoulder blades.

She's also huge on loaning people money. Most people don't pay back

loans, which she knows, but she seems to look forward to cutting

them out of her and my father's life when that loan isn't repaid.

Then she does it again with someone else. Her sense of superiority

is ridiculously high - she is always being " taken advantage of. "

She has that Queen thing DOWN.

> >

> > I just remembered something my mom has always done and because

it

> has

> > been so consistent I didn't even think of analyzing it. She

picks

> up

> > people like projects. I can remember being around 8 years old

and

> she

> > (a school teacher) brought home one of her " wild " 8th grade

girls

> (who

> > had a terrible family- she was beat over the head with a hammer

> and

> > left to die but somehow lived) in order to fix this girl.

Someone

> > mentioned how BPD's love drama, death, and walking on the wild

> side. I

> > believe she does this by maintaining her religious perfect self

> > apperance while she picks up some poor soul she deems as wild,

> poor,

> > helpless, sick etc. THis makes her feel better. She always likes

> to

> > put herself in the position of god in other's lives. SHe has to

be

> the

> > superior one. I addressed this at our face to face conversation

> last

> > week and she said it was because of all those years of being a

> teacher

> > (once again got to blame it on something). Does anyone else

relate

> to

> > this?

> >

> > Kelley

> >

>