Re: What's Normal Like?

[Guest guest]

,

I dont think there is such a thing as " normal " its " normal " to be

dysfunctional ahahaha...

Even families that appear in good shape have thier problems.

One thing that I do remember at family gatherings, which has been a

very long time as I live out of state and dont visit. No one had any

fights it was always hunky dory. Wouldnt know we werent normal <grin>

>

> Hi everyone,

> With Christmas and all that just over, has anyone else been thoroughly

> confused about what goes on in families that aren't *completely*

> dysfunctional? (ie don't revolve around neurotic prats?)

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

,

I am blessed that my in laws are pretty functional. The only thing they do that

is unhealthy is watch too much TV and over eat. Beside that they are loving,

concerned, and accepting. What has helped me is being able to see how a healthy

family compares to mine. However, as we know none of us are 100% healthy just

some are much more unhealthy than others.

Kelley

To: WTOAdultChildren1@...: femspirit@...: Thu, 27 Dec

2007 20:53:34 +0000Subject: Re: What's Normal Like?

, I dont think there is such a thing as " normal " its " normal " to

bedysfunctional ahahaha... Even families that appear in good shape have thier

problems. One thing that I do remember at family gatherings, which has been

avery long time as I live out of state and dont visit. No one had anyfights it

was always hunky dory. Wouldnt know we werent normal <grin>>> Hi

everyone,> With Christmas and all that just over, has anyone else been

thoroughly> confused about what goes on in families that aren't *completely*>

dysfunctional? (ie don't revolve around neurotic prats?)> > >

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[Guest guest]

Great question!!

I remember in a therapy session, I was relating that my mother didn't

volunteer at the school, didn't really get too involved in our lives

as children, etc. And then I added " But, that may have just been the

times back then. " (I'm 45) -- My therapist chimed in: " There was

plenty she could have done back then -- plenty of moms were involved

with their kids. " I tend to agree with her -- I know there were good,

involved moms somewhere!!

My therapist was working full time and raised three children -- you

can bet SHE was involved with her kids.

I just never got the feeling that my parents were than " in tune " or

much interested in us. Their gaze didn't land directly on us very

often.

I love the idea of this thread -- instead of focusing on the

dysfunction we know so well, how about some anecdotes from normal

families we've observed?

We could call it " Notes from Normal Land!! "

-Kyla

>

[Guest guest]

OK, there might not be a normal, but there's certainly an abnormal (grin).

> >

> > Hi everyone,

> > With Christmas and all that just over, has anyone else been thoroughly

> > confused about what goes on in families that aren't *completely*

> > dysfunctional? (ie don't revolve around neurotic prats?)

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

,

My family is 'normal'. We love each other, provide emotional support

for each other, respect our differences. At holiday time, we have a

few traditions that we try to repeat, but are understanding if we

cannot. We are comfortable turning to each other in times of need.

We don't force judgements on each other.

I feel I have broken the dysfunctional behavior of my parents - and I

beleive my sister has also.

We do have problems, but we recognize that, we accept our own

responsibility in negative events. We apologize, we make amends, and

we take steps to not allow any dysfunctional behavior to continue.

I could not have come to this point with my family if I had not been

touched by many angels (in disguise as humans) that guided me on my

journey toward 'normal'. I am so grateful for meeting people who were

my guides.

I knew, at a very young age, that there was a better way than how my

family behaved. Perhaps this knowleged is what helped me see this

better way in other families that I met.

Sylvia

>

> Hi everyone,

> With Christmas and all that just over, has anyone else been

thoroughly

> confused about what goes on in families that aren't *completely*

> dysfunctional? (ie don't revolve around neurotic prats?)

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Well I remember alot of families I knew as a kid growing up and

thought they were normal loving families then through the years have

found out one after the other had skeletons in thier closets and was

totally shocked. So have learned to not believe what you see I still

think most families have issues and disfunction but dont show it in

public is all. My mom didnt show her bpd in public. And not even at

family gatherings as what would they think? She cared more about what

others would think of her so was careful to always appear perfect,

giving etc.

Her true colors only came out alone with her at home with only me,my

bro, harvey there. The rest of the world had no clue. Come to find out

when I was grown and went to a family gathering, I danced with a

cousin who said to me you were a little rebel when you were young I

said huh? As I was far from that, Well my mom told everyone I ran away

from home not the truth which was that I was sent away. And I was a

rebel. Well if a rebel is someone who doesnt clean thier room, gets

A's and B's in school. doesnt do drugs, smoke, drink, Doesnt sneak out

of house. Worse thing I did was start to stick up for myself with my

mom when I hit around 13. Dont ever do that lol. She wanted me

subordinate at all times.

Then I guess I was a rebel ahahaha

Crazy.

> >

> > Hi everyone,

> > With Christmas and all that just over, has anyone else been

> thoroughly

> > confused about what goes on in families that aren't *completely*

> > dysfunctional? (ie don't revolve around neurotic prats?)

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

My parents divorced when I was 8. Mom made sure that we had no

continuing relationship with our father. During much of our growing up

she was a single working mother of 4. I know that being a single parent

is hard, but you would think she would have found some time to attend

school functions, but she never did. At times she would promise to go,

but at the last minute was a no show. In fact she did not even attend

my high school graduation. Her excuse was she had to work. As an added

insult, Her place of employment was right next door to our school.

We were not allowed to have friends over, or participate in outside

activites. We were to come home right after school and make sure the

house was spotless when she came home from work.

When she came home from work she climbed in to bed leaving us to fend

for ourselves for dinner, homework etc.

[Guest guest]

,

My nada is a stepnada so I spent weekends around her (until high school

when I STUPIDLY suggested we spend one week with her and dad and one

week with my mom - this continued until I graduated college, because I

knew I would never be allowed to stop going over so often until I

actually moved out), and the rest of the time with my mom (who has her

own emotional issues, but loves all of us kids unconditionally. We

could knock over a bank or kill someone and she would still love us

with all her heart.)

Unfortunately, stepnada's havoc leaked into the happy/relatively drama

free side of me and sis's lives in a thousand little ways. So even

though we had a (for the most part) healthy home refuge, things were

still far from " normal " . I still feel anxiety when I drive past her

and dad's neighborhood and remember the overwhelming relief I always

felt when I pointed my car in the direction of my mom's house. Lately

I've started having dreams that I am who I am today (married, 28, my

own life) but I have to break the news to my husband that I have to

spend a week with her and a week with him because the b**** wouldn't

take no for an answer. Then I pack up my stuff and my beloved cat,

like I used to do, and head over for a week of hell. Holidays were

horrendous. We split the holidays. One year we'd be with dad for

Christmas and mom for Thanksgiving, and it would reverse the next year,

and so on. Any holiday with stepnada was completely drained of any

happiness as we were the decorating and house cleaning slaves, and were

forced to sit with her friends while she told humiliating stories about

what a bad little kid I was. Sometimes we had to fly out to see her

side of the family - which consisted of forty more of her in different

clothes and sexes. My stepnada openly hated my mother (and any woman

who has given birth) because my mother was able to have children and

she and my father weren't (my father had had a vasectomy - which she

knew when she married him, but she still considers herself infertile.

Whatever.) If she and dad would have had kids, we would have never

seen him again. Stepnada forced us to call her " mom " and would cry and

yell when we didn't (or forgot to). She also wrote a letter to my

mother stating that when we were with her, she was our mother and would

do with us as she pleased (her exact words - I've seen the letter).

Mom chose not to refuse to let our father see us because she knew we

wouldn't be able to handle being seperated from dad, no matter how bad

things were. I used to alternately beg my mother not to send us over

there, and cry over missing my dad. To this day, I have to be careful

not to mention trips I take with mom, or special things I do with her

because stepnada will make some crappy comment about how much more we

love mom and how much we hate her. We've never been able to prove our

love to her (nothing is ever enough)- though this is no surprise since

I have NEVER loved her, only pretended to so I would be allowed to see

my father. I knew that my father would always side with stepnada (he

did it all the time) and that it was much easier to try to keep her

happy. On the rare occasion that she is invited over, I still go

through MY OWN house and take down pictures of me and my mom together

since she always comments on it and starts crying or makes some

sarcastic remark about her pictures not being up. She forgets that she

won't allow pictures of herself to be taken - not to mention the fact

that the sight of her face makes my stomach clench and I wouldn't put

them up anyway . I've gotten very good at thinking out what I will

say so as not to spark a fight, and I find myself cautioning whoever

will be around not to bring up certain topics or events that she will

find controversial. At this point, they play a very limited role in my

life and I keep her away from my friends and other family members since

she decides to hate whoever I bring around anyway for whatever petty

reason she invents.

I lived two seperate lives - and to some extent, I still do. I know

this isn't normal behavior. I'm surprised I didn't have a

schizophrenic break in my late teens (though I did experience episodes

of dissociation. At mom's I was allowed to be who I was, put up my

rock posters, dress the way I wanted to, have my friends over, talk

about how I really felt about things, watch whatever I wanted to

watch. At dad's my room was decorated the way stepnada wanted it, I

wasn't allowed to have people over that were disrepsectful (all my

friends - we're from the west coast and none of us were raised

saying " yes ma'am or yes sir " like she was), and was criticized for the

clothes and perfume I wore. I think being around my mom and her side

of the family taught me how bizarre and unreasonable stepnada's

behavior was. I learned that stepnada only believed in conditional

love, and spent money to buy people's affection. The flip side was

that I spent my " happy " week feeling guilty for never wanting to be at

her and my dad's house.

Anyway, sorry this was so long, it just kinda spilled out!

>

> Hi everyone,

> With Christmas and all that just over, has anyone else been thoroughly

> confused about what goes on in families that aren't *completely*

> dysfunctional? (ie don't revolve around neurotic prats?)

>

>

>