Introducing myself and my history

[Guest guest]

Hi, I just joined the group. Reading all your posts

has been like a breath of fresh air to me. I'm not

alone! Well intellectually I knew I wasn't alone,

because my therapist was the first to suggest that my

mom may have BPD. Also, I read Randi Kreger's book a

few years ago and now am pretty sure mom has BPD.

My therapist is great and talking to her has helped a

lot in dealing with my mom, but it's such a relief to

talk to people who are going through the same thing.

I have been on LC for about six years with mom, (still

learning the lingo here!) following a scene with my

sister-in-law during a visit to her home. Mom was

trying to alienate her in order to try to drive a

wedge between my husband and me. Goad the sister, get

her mad, get her brother on her side, force me to

choose between hubby and mom.

(I was standing right there and couldn't seem to do

anything to stop her. It was like watching a traffic

accident.)

And the irony here? My husband thinks his sister

should have kept her mouth shut. I think his sister

should have decked my mom. She certainly deserved it.

If only I thought to do this at the time. My

sister-in-law didn't know my mom would have the

reaction she did and she too was sorry she said

anything. She didn't know my mom had BPD. I wish I'd

warned her.

Anyway, I was wise to the game. Mom could not stand

that my husband was now first in my life. (As I am in

his. As it should be.) So she tried to get in the

middle. And that's where I drew the line.

I'll do a lot for people, and go above and beyond for

my mom, but I'm not willing to sacrifice my marriage.

And that's really what she wants, even if she says she

doesn't.

I told her that I wasn't willing to speak to her or

see her until she got herself some help. So far she

hasn't. She prefers to sit in her own crap. And I

have decided that it's just not my problem.

We still communicate but only through letters and

cards. I still send her Mother's Day, Birthday and

Christmas cards. I sent her a Mother's Day card this

year and she sent me a vitriolic letter back

complaining that it was too generic. (Can you believe

this?) This letter was so crazy and insulting that my

first reaction was, " My God, was she drunk when she

wrote this? " And I was able to almost laugh. I

decided to call that progress for me.

I didn't send her a birthday card. This was the

logical thing to do, I thought, since she didn't like

my cards. She writes to me whining that she'd rather

have any card than nothing at all. She also wrote my

husband a pathetic little entreaty to please " try to

get my daughter to talk to me. " She says because

" he's so close to his family " he would understand how

she feels. (See what I mean about wedges?)

Oy.

So I sent her a card. Now I wonder if I should have.

Does this just validate her bad behavior?

Thanks for letting me vent. And thanks for being

here.

strell

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