Re: Re: On face value...

[Guest guest]

Hello,

Its kind of interesting how they try to mask it. For a longtime before I knew

about BPD, I used to wonder " am I just hearing her wrong, or was that another

'jab' or insult. As I havefigured all of this out I have talked to a couple of

friends about it and tried to explain things in laymens terms. We have all been

together on a few occasions since talking about this. Just the other night

something came up at a social event and when my wife made her comment I right

away wondered if they " saw " it too. As I glanced over at them (the friends) I

wish I could have taken a picture of thier faces....they GOT IT! I felt so

relieved that somebody in person gets it! (you are all great too, but I cant

have you over for a beer to chat ).

So the point being that others can get it IF they are educated. But how many

people can we educate or do we want to devulge our lives too. These are a couple

of my best friends in the world, so I felt comfortable.

Letty, YES it is so hard to bite my tounge sometimes. I used to make more direct

sarcastic remarks when she would do this, but now I dont as much beccause I know

it wont do any good as far as getting her to change her behaivour.

I do notice my girls do it more and more. I try to remind them that yes I know

they want to defend themselves, but try to not get to dramatic about it. The

other day when my daughter show me her yearbook before my wife saw it I heard

" sure, Dads more important and get to know everyhting about you first " to which

daughter replied " I was trying to show you first, but you were to busy with your

other stuff to stop and look, so why should I make dad wait? " I thought good for

you. Of course she didnt get her question answerded.

DKC

Re: On face value...

-

The temptation to snipe back with something like " that's right, you

don't matter, no one cares about you! " must be fierce at times. Not

that you actually feel that way, of course, it's just that the

constant need for validation is so damn tiring, especially when it's

draped with insults.

Thank God you are here, hope you can help your kids deal with it. My

dad and bro were BPD, and it wasn't pretty. I was depressed as a teen

and felt so responsible for their happiness I came near suicide. Hope

that's not true for your kids.

Letty

-- In WTOAdultChildren1@ yahoogroups. com, s <dkc22949@.. .>

wrote:

>

> Hello,

> FYI....I read this board as a husband of a BPD wife, to see what my

teens are going through in regards to thoughs about mom.

>

>

> Kyla wrote.......

> I couldn't believe it! He wrote a brief letter about camp, then

> couldn't resist " ramming his agenda " (my new term for these " polite

> attacks " of his) with the following line:

>

> " I thought you were coming over for my birthday, but I guess

> everyone's too busy.....maybe next time "

> This is EXACTLY what my wife does CONSTANTLY. Except she is a

little more blunt my adding " but I guess everyones to busy for ME

since nobody think I matter. "

>

> It makes me want to puke! Occasionally she has a point. Maybe 1 time

out of 50...maybe..

> I try to explain what that she comes across as always being negative

and critical of EVERYTHING, but she just doesnt get it at all. Luckily

my kids are learning to let things blow by.

>

> If on a weekend day when we are all around eachother for 4-5 hours

in the day we would hear things like this AT LEAST 50 times! Just

snuck in at every opportunitty she had. She then wonder why nobody is

talking some days........ because whatever we say, we'll hear shit like

this!When I first started with my T, he said " how critical can she be,

maybe keep track for a week of comments so you & I both have an

acurate picture " So I did. He was a little shocked. It came down to a

comment every 5 minutes on average when we are together. He later said

he was hoping that I would see that it wasnt as much as I thought. I

was too;).

>

> DKC

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Your post stirred up a memory for me Kyla.  My husband and I paid for our own

wedding too.  When my mother came to town about 4 months before the wedding I

took her to see the hotel we had booked.  The wedding planner from the hotel

started showing her around and she effected this Queen-like demeanor as if she

needed to be sold on the place and she wasn't quite sure it was up to her

standards...

Re: On face value...

Oh my goodness, look how hard your mother looked for trouble! She

tries to whip up the racism card, and the opposite was true -- your

in-laws embraced you completely! If anyone was hurtful by bringing

your Korean ancestry in, it was your MOTHER!

My mom was not supportive of my wedding, either. She has a hard

time parting with money, and I think she thought she could get a

nice wedding for about $100.. She hates to pay people -- yet

complains if my dad doesn't get a good paycheck. It's a one way

street with her.

My fiance (now husband of 20 years) and I paid for our own wedding.

And it wasn't a fancy affair, either. It was bare bones, except I

did splurge on my dress. (Back then, $1000 for a wedding dress was a

lot -- especially to me!) My mother just thought that you buy a

couple of cases of beer and a wedding dress and voila! you've got

yourself a wedding!

-kyla

> >

> > On face value some of the things mom does seem innocent. That's

> what

> > has always tripped me up. It also is why most observers think

I'm

> > the one with the problem. What happened yesterday is an example.

> >

> > Mom and dad are over for fathers day and mom and I are in the

> > kitchen. Mom says to me " I want to ask you something and I hope

it

> > isn't too intrusive " I think " crap, what's this going to be " .

> Then

> > she says " when you were in New York did take pictures of

the

> > kids? " . is my mother-in-law. Now, if this question is

> really

> > about whether or not (a photographer) took pictures of my

> > daughter and her cousins, why on earth would the question

> > be " intrusive " ? Because the question wasn't about photographs,

of

> > course, it was a way of stating a whole conversation about

.

> > You see, we hapened to be in New York for mothers day. The

reason

> we

> > went to NY was because my husband had reason to be in NY for

> business

> > and my daughter and I went along. I lived in NY for 18 years

and

> > some of my closest friends live there and anyone who knows me

knows

> > how much I miss living there. Anyone who knows me knows how I

feel

> > as if I come alive the second I step off the plane at JFK.

Anyone

> > who knows me knows that this is very important to me. We get

back

> to

> > NY 2-3 times a year which isn't nearly enough for me. Of course

> when

> > I told my mom we were going to NY back in May she fired back " so

> you

> > can be with for mothers day " ? WTF. Yes, mom, thats it.

No

> > other reason. I feel compelled to be with my mother-in-law on

> > mothers day beacause this stupid halmark holiday is the most

> > important day of the year for me.

> > So anyway, we saw my mother-in-law while we were there but not

on

> > mothers day. My mother found this out and is completely

> perplexed.

> > Also, my mother-in-law is going through some changes in her life

> and

> > my mother is dying to know what is going on. Not out of concern

> mind

> > you, but out of her crazed jealousy. There is a whole history

of

> my

> > mother doing crazy things regarding my mother-in-law.

> > But if someone had overheard they would just say " she was only

> asking

> > about pictures, whats wrong with you? " .

> > Then there was when she kept " complementing " me on my skin. She

> told

> > me I have " a nice glow from the sun " . I said thank you. Then

she

> > kept staring at me and saying it again and again. On face

value,

> it

> > is a complement. What's wrong with me that I can't receive a

> > complement? But it was really her way of zeroing in on my

> > appearance. She is revolted by my weight (I have been having a

> huge

> > problem with it) and every time she sees me she tries to figure

out

> a

> > way to talk about how " concerned " she is. It is really about

how

> > disgusted she is and how much she wants to " take control " of

what I

> > eat (no kidding...she once offered to take control of what I eat

> for

> > me. Whatever the f**k that means given that I'm 38). She stares

at

> > me when I eat, following the food to my mouth with a look of

> concern

> > and disgust. And for some strange reason when I'm around her I

am

> > starving and cannot stop eating.

> > The day ended with her saying to my four year old daughter " you

> said

> > you want to visit us next weekend so I hope mommy and daddy will

> > bring you... " Of course my daughter never said that.

> > It still gets to me. I wish it didn't but it does.

> > I'm sorry for rambling on and on....I just had to vent.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Oh my gawd, my mother always did that in public. So, for instance she could

give a sh*t about if I did my homework and had NO idea what classes I was

in. But, if the teacher walked in the room she would assume that air of

authority like she invented my ability to do homework. Worse still was the

case of my wedding dress. I picked out the pattern, bought the fabric and

found someone to help me sew it (I was 20 years old by the way). Then she

DELIVERED THE CHECK to the person who sewed it for me. It was hugely

embarrassing because the check was supposed to be a gift from my dad and she

basically threw a party for herself when she delivered it saying " HERE " S THE

FILTHY LUCRE!!! " No subtlty at all. I could have died from embarassment. I

realized she had been talking about the beloved check for about 30 minutes

before she presented it - it was a gift from my dad placed discretly in an

envelope with a thank you card - god I am still embarassed. THis is the

first time I've talked about it I was so embarrassed. It's only been 12

years.

>

> Your post stirred up a memory for me Kyla. My husband and I paid for our

> own wedding too. When my mother came to town about 4 months before the

> wedding I took her to see the hotel we had booked. The wedding planner from

> the hotel started showing her around and she effected this Queen-like

> demeanor as if she needed to be sold on the place and she wasn't quite sure

> it was up to her standards...

>

>

>

> Re: On face value...

>

>

> Oh my goodness, look how hard your mother looked for trouble! She

> tries to whip up the racism card, and the opposite was true -- your

> in-laws embraced you completely! If anyone was hurtful by bringing

> your Korean ancestry in, it was your MOTHER!

>

> My mom was not supportive of my wedding, either. She has a hard

> time parting with money, and I think she thought she could get a

> nice wedding for about $100.. She hates to pay people -- yet

> complains if my dad doesn't get a good paycheck. It's a one way

> street with her.

>

> My fiance (now husband of 20 years) and I paid for our own wedding.

> And it wasn't a fancy affair, either. It was bare bones, except I

> did splurge on my dress. (Back then, $1000 for a wedding dress was a

> lot -- especially to me!) My mother just thought that you buy a

> couple of cases of beer and a wedding dress and voila! you've got

> yourself a wedding!

>

> -kyla

>

>

> > >

> > > On face value some of the things mom does seem innocent. That's

> > what

> > > has always tripped me up. It also is why most observers think

> I'm

> > > the one with the problem. What happened yesterday is an example.

> > >

> > > Mom and dad are over for fathers day and mom and I are in the

> > > kitchen. Mom says to me " I want to ask you something and I hope

> it

> > > isn't too intrusive " I think " crap, what's this going to be " .

> > Then

> > > she says " when you were in New York did take pictures of

> the

> > > kids? " . is my mother-in-law. Now, if this question is

> > really

> > > about whether or not (a photographer) took pictures of my

> > > daughter and her cousins, why on earth would the question

> > > be " intrusive " ? Because the question wasn't about photographs,

> of

> > > course, it was a way of stating a whole conversation about

> .

> > > You see, we hapened to be in New York for mothers day. The

> reason

> > we

> > > went to NY was because my husband had reason to be in NY for

> > business

> > > and my daughter and I went along. I lived in NY for 18 years

> and

> > > some of my closest friends live there and anyone who knows me

> knows

> > > how much I miss living there. Anyone who knows me knows how I

> feel

> > > as if I come alive the second I step off the plane at JFK.

> Anyone

> > > who knows me knows that this is very important to me. We get

> back

> > to

> > > NY 2-3 times a year which isn't nearly enough for me. Of course

> > when

> > > I told my mom we were going to NY back in May she fired back " so

> > you

> > > can be with for mothers day " ? WTF. Yes, mom, thats it.

> No

> > > other reason. I feel compelled to be with my mother-in-law on

> > > mothers day beacause this stupid halmark holiday is the most

> > > important day of the year for me.

> > > So anyway, we saw my mother-in-law while we were there but not

> on

> > > mothers day. My mother found this out and is completely

> > perplexed.

> > > Also, my mother-in-law is going through some changes in her life

> > and

> > > my mother is dying to know what is going on. Not out of concern

> > mind

> > > you, but out of her crazed jealousy. There is a whole history

> of

> > my

> > > mother doing crazy things regarding my mother-in-law.

> > > But if someone had overheard they would just say " she was only

> > asking

> > > about pictures, whats wrong with you? " .

> > > Then there was when she kept " complementing " me on my skin. She

> > told

> > > me I have " a nice glow from the sun " . I said thank you. Then

> she

> > > kept staring at me and saying it again and again. On face

> value,

> > it

> > > is a complement. What's wrong with me that I can't receive a

> > > complement? But it was really her way of zeroing in on my

> > > appearance. She is revolted by my weight (I have been having a

> > huge

> > > problem with it) and every time she sees me she tries to figure

> out

> > a

> > > way to talk about how " concerned " she is. It is really about

> how

> > > disgusted she is and how much she wants to " take control " of

> what I

> > > eat (no kidding...she once offered to take control of what I eat

> > for

> > > me. Whatever the f**k that means given that I'm 38). She stares

> at

> > > me when I eat, following the food to my mouth with a look of

> > concern

> > > and disgust. And for some strange reason when I'm around her I

> am

> > > starving and cannot stop eating.

> > > The day ended with her saying to my four year old daughter " you

> > said

> > > you want to visit us next weekend so I hope mommy and daddy will

> > > bring you... " Of course my daughter never said that.

> > > It still gets to me. I wish it didn't but it does.

> > > I'm sorry for rambling on and on....I just had to vent.

> > >

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

>