To Tony, with special regards....

[Guest guest]

My family was close-knit and strict Roman Catholic. But the

wonderful thing about the breed of Catholic they were was not that

they went to church because " the pope said so " , but because they had

a very close and honest relationship with their goals, values, and

beliefs. Because of this religious relationship, I ALWAYS doubted

they were ever incorrect in their views. I always felt they were

trying to help me a better person. And in their minds, they are. In

THEIR reality, they love me and just want to see me living the right

way...for my own happiness, and for my own sanctity.

I've been engaged twice. First time it was with a Catholic man

from West Point. We really leaned on eachother for emotional support

regarding our strict catholic parents, especially since I had a hard

time dealing with my mother- and with him it was his father. It was

weird how much in common they had. NOW--- here's where I want you to

pay attention ---

Our parents (his dad, and my mom) were SO SIMILAR that we would

advise eachother on how to handle them. My mother would go on so

many monologues about society, religion, philosophy, how to treat

others, blah blah blah...and SO WOULD HIS DAD. HOURS AND HOURS of

these litanies, ESPECIALLY when we got engaged. Neither of our

parents handled it very well.

But here was the difference. His Dad...went and prayed about it.

Mulled it over in his mind and then both of his parents said they

would accept me into the family and welcome this engagement we

wanted. It was truly amazing.

My mom? No such luck. Oh the crying, and the " you're leaving us "

and " you're replacing your family!!! " was a bit much for me to bear.

She openly argued that I had not dated long enough, I hadn't dated

ENOUGH people to know what from what, that I wasn't thinking clearly

enough, etc etc etc. My mother's behavior is classic BPD behavior.

His father's behavior is...well, bizzare at times and yet so

endearing because this man is really trying to help his son make good

decisions for himself. See the difference?? His father seems nuts

and over the top too. And yes, sometimes he took things too far.

But in the end he chose to respect his son's decision to get engaged

and stood behind him. My mother merely tried to make me feel

incapable to making 'adult decisions' by always criticizing them and

failing to trust them.

That relationship didn't work out because we decided we weren't

right for each other- ON OUR OWN. Not my family nor his family made

this decision for us. We made it together.

Second time I got engaged, my mom pulled the same crap. I

was " abandoning the family " , and I didn't give it enough time, and I

was being manipulated, and I couldn't see the truth (as if I was

INCAPABLE of seeing as well as she could see, or make decisions as

well as she could at my age).

Blah

Blah

Blah

SO....the bottom line here, Tony, is that 'normal' people sometimes

act a little crazy. And sometimes borderlines...act a little

normal. Thats why its so confusing. But when the sh*t hits the fan,

they ALWAYS show their true colors. Guilt, manipulation, and fear

are their weapons and they mix it in with a little confusion too.

They remind you of those good times to keep you in their grasp, and

the beauty of it is they DO NOT REALIZE THEY ARE SICK. They

honestly think that YOU are the one that has a problem and that all

you need is a good swift kick in the pants to start behaving like the

good little slave they raised you to be.

Research BPD.

Read the books.

You'll freak out. lol But it'll be good for you, and believe it or

not good for your marriage. It has definitely helped my husband and

myself understand things and to be watchful on how we communicate

with each other.

I know it sucks, but you seem so smart and strong. Its obvious from

your posts that you think things through, and that you don't want to

prejudge or jump to conclusions like your parents apparantly do. You

want to be fair, and loving, but smart too. And you are! You're

mom may have BPD and your dad may be an enabler but you did grow up

to be the sagacious and impressive grown man you are today.