Advice please

[Guest guest]

I've been essentially NC with the folks for 6 weeks or so. My sister

called me this morning wanting to know if I would host Christmas at my

house this year. She hosted it last year, and my brother just hosted

Thanksgiving (which I didn't attend), so it's my turn. The thing is,

I don't want to have my parents there, and although I would like to

see my brother and sister and their families I don't want to start

a " war " with my parents over which family members go to whose houses.

I was thinking maybe I'd bow out of the family Christmas get-together

entirely and then have my brother and sister and their families over

another day. Any other suggestions?

[Guest guest]

Where is it written that you have to host that type of Christmas?

Who legally obligated you to be in a continuous loop with only your

siblings, year after year? What if you wanted to go skiing one

year? Or spend it with someone on your husband's side of the

family? Or friends at their house in Aspen? etc....etc.....You get

the picture.

If you're not up to it, then tell them you're not up to it and leave

it at that. (That doesn't mean it's like that from now until

eternity, written in stone, but if you're just fresh off a

newfangled " NC " , then I don't blame you for taking some time and

distance at this first Christmas. I am dealing with the same thing.)

I know that in my family, we haven't been obligated that way -- my

brother has spent Christmases with other inlaws -- gone skiiing one

year, etc. We call and catch up after the holiday and share stories.

I have a good friend who alternates years with her family, then her

in-laws (she doesn't like to mix them, so she doesn't!). She makes

no apologies if it's not " your " year -- she just politely stated,

the first time the inlaws asked: " It's MY family's turn next year. "

Then the inlaws said " Hey, then we could go to California next

year! " and went on to make other plans.....

There's no LAW that says you have to drag yourself up to do

something you're not emotionally ready to do. People can't dictate

to you that you're going to take on the emotional, physical and

financial burden of having everyone over. Period. You're figuring

out a new way to deal with your parents -- now is not the time for

some fake, manufactured Hallmark moments. Your feelings count, too.

How about " We've decided to scale it back this year " or " I'm just

not up to it. " You have every right to take a little time and

distance from it all. Absolutely every right. It's your Christmas,

too, and you need only discuss it with your own family -- your own

husband and children.

Figure out a polite way to say it. Then say it.

-Kyla